By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul "Authority" Levesque, Vice President of Non-Wrestling Operations Stephanie McMahon Levesque and WWE President Bats--- Crazy Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Rice-A-Roni, the big flavor side dish that's so quick, so easy. Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for the part where he where he put, you know, wrestling on the WWE Network.

I don't think WWE needs C.M. Punk for this WrestleMania. And I definitely don't think C.M. Punk needs WWE. At some point, several months from now, WWE will need Punk more than they do now, and Punk will be ready to return. So leave it alone.

The WWE Network debuts tomorrow, as we kick off the Road to WrestleMania XXX (not to be confused with "Motherboy XXX" from Arrested Development.) Pro wrestling as we know it will never be the same again. The traditional business of pro wrestling on pay-per-view is dead (at least in North America.) Here at PWTorch.com, we'll be taking about this at length for the next three hundred days or so. So stay tuned.

Before we get down to business, let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson, because that's why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on February 21, 1994, the World Wrestling Federation presented Monday Night Raw live from the Mid-Hudson Civic Center in Poughkeepsie, New York. We opened things up with The Quebecers defending the WWF Tag Team Titles against Razor Ramon and The 1-2-3 Kid. How about that? Vince McMahon and the late Randy Savage had the call.



What was happening in World Wrestling Entertainment fifteen years ago? I'm glad you asked! On February 22, 1999, the World Wrestling Federation brought us Raw is War (pretaped) from the UTC Arena in Chatanooga, Tennessee. This show opened with Vince McMahon doing a lengthy, family-friendly, in-ring promo and the main event saw The Undertaker against Kane in an Inferno Match. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler had the call.



Did you miss WWE Main Event this week? No, you didn't. Here's The Shield vs. Sin Cara & Los Matadores from Colorado Springs, Colorado. Tom Phillips & Byron Saxton have the call. (If you want to see it, hurry, because WWE will have it down in about fifteen minutes. Or less.)



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and John B. Layfield will probably be announcing tomorrow, and during the show, two of them will be making fun of the other one. On with the program!

Rhodes Brothers & Ryback & Curtis Axel (Pre-Show Match): WWE would like to thank Cody Rhodes and Goldust for helping revive their tag team division by...booking them in this match. Oh, well. At least they'll get a nice payoff. Projection? Cody hits Ryback with the Disaster Kick, and the good guys win.

Darren Young vs. Titus O'Neil: It is nice to see the former Prime Time Players get their blowoff match on pay-per-view. After see Young tear apart O'Neil's suit, I still expect to see a blowoff tuxedo match at WrestleMania. And I'm not kidding. Projection? Titus wins with a handful of tights. A cheap finish, which means the feud must continue.

The Middle Age Outlaws vs. The Usos (WWE Tag Team Titles): This match could go either way, and I'm not just saying that because I haven't heard from the Reddit guy. But let's give this to the guys who deserve it. Projection? Jimmy Uso goes all Superfly on Road Dogg, and we have new WWE Tag Team Champions. If you want to have a return bout at WrestleMania in April, be my guest.

Big E. Langston vs. Jack Swagger (w/ Dutch Dynasty) (WWE Intercontinental Title): Hey, remember when WWE thought they had a money heel gimmick with Zeb Colter and Jack Swagger? Only to find out that people who disagreed with the McMahons' politics aren't always heels in the real world? Good times. Projection? Somebody's going to beat Langston for the Intercontinental, but it won't be Jack Swagger. Langston wins with the Big Ending. He does not demand the five count.

Dave Batista vs. Alberto Del Rio: Let's just say I'm not overwhelmed by this matchup. In fact, I'm not even whelmed. Projection? Big Dave with the OverDave into the Dave Bomb. Next!

The Shield vs. The Wyatt Family: According to our Livecast poll, this is the most intriguing match of the show. In fact, WWE is probably a little bit surprised at how well this got over. They *do* deserve full credit for the build, though. Projection? A wild melee, with Bray Wyatt hitting Sister Abigail on Seth Rollins for the victory.

Randy Orton vs. Antonio Cesaro vs. Christian Cage vs. Daniel Bryan vs. John Cena vs. Sheamus (WWE World Heavyweight Title - Elimination Chamber): Be honest. Are you *reall* looking forward to seeing Dave Batista take on *any* of these men at WrestleMania? If you're not, then Batista is the problem. Projection? Cena and Bryan are in one and two. Cesaro is in third. Sheamus is in fourth. Orton is in fifth, and Christian gets in last. Bryan eliminates Cesaro with the Yes Lock. Christian eliminates Sheamus with an inside cradle. Sheamus snaps and beats the hell out of Christian. Cena eliminates Christian with the STF. Bryan eliminates Cena (again) with the running knee, Kane comes out to attack Bryan, and Orton finishes off Bryan with the soccer kick to win the Chamber and keep the WWE Title. Sorry, folks.

Aftermath: It's WrestleMania time! Orton defends the title against Batista, but that's not the main event. Daniel Bryan wrestles Triple H. If Undertaker wrestles Brock Lesnar again, that's your main event. The rest can wait until my next article.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. See you tomorrow at 9 AM Eastern. Tick, tock.

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