By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul "Authority" Levesque, Vice President of Non-Wrestling Operations Stephanie McMahon Levesque and WWE President Bats--- Crazy Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Contestants not appearing on stage will receive a supply of Fig Newtons. (Regular cookies are just cookies, but Newtons are fruit and cake.) Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for the part where he where he has Mr. McMahon sent to the assisted living facility.

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Yes, Dave Batista is back in WWE. Yes, he dresses funny. And yes, he is the favorite to win the 2014 Royal Rumble. In fact, The Animal might be the biggest Royal Rumble favorite since Triple H at the 2002 Royal Rumble, and that's saying something.

You've all heard the rumors. When Sheamus returns to action, WWE might be positioning him as a heel. This makes perfect sense. Look at the house show lineups. Randy Orton is at the top of the heel depth. After that, your number two heel act is The Shield. WWE has been using Kane as a heel on their A-shows because they don't have anyone else. Sheamus wasn't exactly tearing it up as a babyface in the final weeks before his injury.

Yes, there are only five matches set to fill three and a half hours. Last year, WWE filled its three and a half hours of the Royal Rumble with exactly five hours. This IS the full card. There's no need to add, say, a Divas title match.

Also, kudos to TNA Wrestling. The company just drew its biggest rating in over two years without Hulk Hogan, AJ Styles or Jeff Hardy. It's almost as if wrestling fans are more interested in fresh faces than in wrestling who were hot a decade ago. Go figure.

Before we get down to business, let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson, because that's why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on January 22, 1994, the World Wrestling Federation presented the 6th Royal Rumble pay-per-view. This was only the second time that the winner of the 30-man Rumble match was guaranteed a title match at WrestleMania. I could run down all the storylines leading up to the promotion's first major show of the 1994 season, but it would be easier if you watched the clip below. That's right, it's the 1994 Royal Rumble pre-show!



Then, let's go to Providence, Rhode Island for the opening and the first match of the 1994 Royal Rumble pay-per-view. It's Tatanka taking on the late Bam Bam Bigelow. Vince McMahon and "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase have the call.




What was happening in World Wrestling Entertainment fifteen years ago? I'm glad you asked! On January 25, 1999, the World Wrestling Federation brought us Monday Night Raw from the America West Arena in Phoenix, Arizona. This show opened with the McMahons doing a lengthy in-ring promo, followed by a big opening match between Goldust and Billy Gunn. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler had the call. (So much has changed over the past fifteen years!)


WWF Raw - 01-25-1999 Part 1 by WWF1996-1999

Did you miss WWE Main Event this week? No, you didn't. Here's R-Truth against Damien Sandow from Grand Rapids, Michigan. Tom Phillips & Mike Mizanin have the call.


WWE Main Event 1/22/14 - Full Show by WrestlingVidsUploader

Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and John B. Layfield will probably be announcing tomorrow, and at least two of them will remain sober during the show. On with the program!

Rhodes Brothers & New Age Outlaws (WWE Tag Team Titles - Pre-Show Match): Over the past four months, Cody Rhodes & Goldust have helped spark interest in the WWE Tag Team Division, to the point where the top tag teams can actually headline episodes of Raw and Smackdown. The New Age Outlaws look a lot like they did fifteen years ago during their heyday. But whatever you think Road Dogg Agent and Badd Ass Agent, they don't exactly need the titles to get over. Projection? Cody catches Billy with the Disaster Kick, and the Rhodes Boys keep the championships.

Daniel Bryan vs. Bray Wyatt: Would it be great to have a Daniel Bryan vs. John Cena rematch at WrestleMania 30? Yes. Is it going to happen? Probably not. If Bray Wyatt is in a major match at WrestleMania, or if WWE plans to keep this feud going for another month, there's only one solution that makes sense. Projection? Bryan takes the Wyatts when they try to interfere, but Bray pins Daniel with a handful of tights.

The Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar (w/ Paul Heyman): Eleven years ago, Brock Lesnar and The Big Show feuded over the WWE Title. While both wrestlers will likely want to put in a good fifteen or twenty minutes here, protecting Brock Lesnar should be more important. Projection? This match should go eight minutes at the most, and Brock needs to destroy Big Show, decisively. An F-5 and maybe a second F-5 gets Brock the victory.

Randy Orton vs. John Cena (WWE Heavyweight Title - No Disqualification Match): Let's see. WWE is teasing trouble between Randy Orton and The Authority. But that's been standard operating procedure for all heel champions and heel authority figures since the (first) McMahon-Helmsley regime. Is Randy Orton getting the job done as WWE champion, in terms of ratings, box office and pay-per-view buys. Probably not, but that doesn't seem important right now. Projection? For the second straight month, Triple H, Stephanie and Kane supply the distractions. Orton wins with the soccer kick to the head and keeps the WWE title. Yeah, I know.

And, now, it's time for the Royal Rumble! Projected Order of Entry: Number 1- C.M. Punk, Number 2 - Curtis Axel, Number 3- Fandango, Number 4- Darren Young, Number 5- Seth Rollins, Number 6- Jimmy Uso, Number 7- Jack Swagger, Number 8- Ryback, Number 9- Xavier Woods, Number 10- Damien Sandow, Number 11- Big E. Langston, Number 12- Titus O'Neil, Number 13- Dean Ambrose, Number 14- Jey Uso, Number 15- The Miz, Number 16- Cody Rhodes, Number 17- Rey Mysterio, Number 18- Roman Reigns, Number 19- Kofi Kingston, Number 20- Erick Rowan, Number 21- Goldust, Number 22- Alberto Del Rio, Number 23- Antonio Cesaro, Number 24- Christian, 25- Jake Roberts, Number 26- Dave "Dave" Batista, Number 27- R-Truth, Number 28- Luke Harper, Number 29- Rob Van Dam, Number 30- Sheamus.

Projection: C.M. Punk has a giant target on his back, but he survives and keeps surviving, eliminating Rollins and Ambrose before Roman Reigns tosses the straight edge superstar in the final third of the Rumble. The other wrestlers gang up on Reigns, but get no traction until Big E. Langston helps eliminate the powerful Samoan. Del Rio eliminates Big E. Bray Wyatt comes to ringside with Luke Harper. Daniel Bryan runs to ringside and knocks Wyatt cold, distracting Harper to the point that he's easy prey for Rob Van Dam, who eliminates him. We get down to a final four of Batista, Del Rio, Sheamus and Rey Mysterio. Sheamus tosses Rey, then Batista fights through Sheamus and Del Rio to win the 2014 Royal Rumble. Batista vs. Orton is a decent matchup, and with everything else WWE has in play, the WWE title match doesn't have to carry WrestleMania this year.

Aftermath: It's Elimination Chamber time, where we all get to enjoy Batista vs. Alberto Del Rio, Brock Lesnar vs. Big E. Langston and Randy Orton vs. John Cena vs. C.M. Punk vs. Roman Reigns vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Rey Mysterio inside the chamber for the WWE Title. After that, it's a brave new world.

***
Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He'd like to know why wrestling columnists don't get recognized with a trip to Hawaii during Rumble season.

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