By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

We are LIVE in the McNeill Mancave for WWE Battleground.

But first, it's time for the WWE.com pregame show. Let's show our illustrious panel of Josh Mathews, The Miz, Titus O'Neil and former "Batman" villain Egghead for their thoughts. (Yes, you have to be watching the pregame show to get that joke.)

Damien Sandow is out for his match. He doesn't like slack-jawed mouth breathers. So whatever you do, keep Sandow out of those WWE creative team meetings.

#WWEBattleground is tonight's hashtag? Seriously? I'm not going to have any characters left to write about the...Oh, now I get it.

Michael Cole tells us this is the first singles meeting between Ziggler and Sandow. Isn't it awfully early in the show to start lying to us? Lies are like timeouts. You want to have a couple of them ready when you need them.

Okay, Ziggler's selling the knee. But Dolph catches Damien lowering his knee pad, and kicks Sandow in the knee to set up his victory. That's nice.

Let us take you back to Raw last week, when Dusty Rhodes ruined that perfectly written WWE script and acted...like Dusty Rhodes.

Josh kicks it over to Renee Young. "Let's find out what's trending worldwide on Twitter." That'd be #TonyRomo, Josh.

Time to start the blessed event. If you catch me sleeping during the program, tweet Radican so he can call and wake me up.

"These are the conflicts. This is the battle ground."

Battleground kicks off with Alberto Del Rio defending his World Heavyweight Title against Rob Van Dam in a hardcore match. Ricardo Rodriguez is at ringside to show his support for breast cancer survivors. And what cancer survivor wouldn't adore a pink RVD T-shirt?

The match begins. RVD is wondering when Del Rio will hold still so Rob can put a chair up against his head. I made that up. Wait, no I didn't. Van Dam just used that move.

Cole tells us that Van Dam learned his fundamentals while being trained by the Original Sheik, and can't figure out why JBL found that amusing.

Remember, you can follow the WWE Battleground conversation on Twitter right now by using the hashtag #"Dude!"

Chair? Check. Ladder? Check. "E-C-W!" chants? Check. Garbage can made out of reinforced Reynolds Wrap? Check? We got us a hardcore match.

JBL anc Cole are running down the history of the two combatants, including their respective Money In The Bank wins. You know, the details Mr. McMahon thinks that no one remembers.

Ricardo whacks Del Rio with the bucket to save RVD. Then Del Rio compounds the problem by trying to reason with Ricardo, and takes the bucket upside the head twice more.

Van Dam makes Del Rio hold a ladder on top of him, then dives from the apron onto the ladder. Dope really does kill brain cells.

Van Dam misses the Van Terminator, and gets his arm Pillmanized by Del Rio. El Patron wins by submission with the armbar. Sorry, dude.

We're backstage with Zeb Colter and the Real Americans. Zeb's pissed about the ease with which Canadians are sneaking across the border. And they want to fight Santino Marella & Great Khali. Well, it takes all kinds.

While I appreciate Swagger & Cesaro wearing pink shirts for the Susan G. Komen Foundation, I still wish Zeb was wearing a pink hunting vest. You know, those black Gadsden flags the Real Americans have really make those pink T-shirts pop.

Yes, it's Santino & Great Khali against Jack Swagger & Antonio Cesaro. On pay-per-view. I guess there wasn't room on WWE Superstars this week.

Lawler tells us he wants to see Cesaro perform the giant swing on Great Khali. The camera does not show Cesaro & Khali turning to stare at Lawler while saying "Oh, f--- no."

I thought Lawler was joking. Cesaro is my new hero. The Real Americans are your winners.

John Cena wants YOU to help the Susan G. Komen foundation save the ta-tas.

Curtis Axel defends the WWE Intercontinental Title against R-Truth. I went upstairs to get another drink and returned to find Jonny Fairplay trolling me on Twitter.

"My name is R-Truth. I like to bodyslam. But I'd rather give Alicia Fox her breast exam. What's up? (What's up!) What's up? (What's up!)"

The crowd chants "Boring!" Which means Axel and Truth went straight to the finish, and we're not getting a replay. (Axel won, by the way.)

Earlier tonight, Damien Sandow suffered a knee injury, so he didn't cash in the Money In The Bank briefcase. That, or he wanted to do it on a show people are actually watching.

It's A.J. Lee vs. Brie Bella for the WWE Divas title. Tamina is at ringside for A.J., and Nikki is at ringside for Brie. And all four of them have some pink in their outfits. Awwww.

This match is perfectly acceptable wrestling. It also reminds me that I can watch football live on my Verizon cell phone.

Okay, NOW this bout has gone on too long. Tamina covers for it by strangling Nikki outside the ring with Nikki's own hair. Not making that up. A.J. wins off the distraction. I think we can pencil in that A.J. & Tamina vs. The Bellas matchup for Raw tomorrow night.

Time for Cody & Goldust vs. Rollins & Reigns. This is the part of the show where Vince Russo would have booked Dusty Rhodes to turn on his sons and help The Shield.

Backstage, Renee Young chats with the Rhodes family. "Dad, we TOLD you we were all wearing black and gold tonight. Did you forget?"

Okay, the sight of Goldust wearing pink Susan G. Komen gloves with that outfit made me chuckle.

For those of you beginning wrestlers who aren't familiar with how tag team matches are supposed, watch this match. Then watch it again. All six of these guys are doing their respective jobs. And, other than the moonsault, they've kept this simple.

Goldust wins tonight's Ricky Morton award for tag team excellence. And young Cody pins Rollins with the Cross Rhodes for the victory. This is destined to be our match of the night.

It's a commercial for the Hell In A Cell pay-per-view. Starring R-Truth. R-TRUTH?!

Backstage, Brad Maddox is having the damnedest time getting chicken wings delivered to the arena. He calls in Vickie Guerrero for backup.

Kofi Kingston vs. Bray Wyatt. The Wyatt Family entrance is like one of those formula horror movies. Apparently, right down to the part where the African-American guy dies first.

Bray Wyatt has a riddle for Kofi Kingston. The riddle is not "What state is high in the middle and round at both ends?"

Kofi does the best he can creating movement in this match. Bray gets to practice his selling. He hasn't done much of it in his other television matches.

"What is Kofi thinking here?" I don't know, Cole. Maybe he's wondering why Bray is wearing white slacks after Labor Day.

Yeah, Kofi just got Abigailed. Bray Wyatt remains unbeaten.

An ad for the "Triple H: Thy Kingdom Come" DVD. Hunter tells us he got into this business to be great. And to bury people. But mostly to be great.

Time for C.M. Punk vs. Ryback. This matchup seems oddly familiar.

Time for C.M. Punk vs. Ryback. This matchup seems oddly familiar. Good news. These two work together better than they did last year.

Ryback goes on offense. He's wearing C.M. Punk down. He's wearing the crowd down too. C.M. Punk goes back on offense, so Paul Heyman distracts Punk by talking over the house mic. Wow, that made Punk look stupid.

Yes, it's the semi main event of a WWE pay-per-view, and the crowd was chanting for Buffalo Bills running back Fred Jackson. Heyman distracts the referee, but that gives Punk the chance to hit a mule kick and win the bout.

They're trained WWE superstars. You're not. If you wear pink trunks in the schoolyard, you're getting your ass kicked. Please, don't try this at home.

The only thing missing from the video package of Daniel Bryan beating Randy Orton is "Flashdance" by Irene Cara playing underneath the clip.

"Where's the Randy Orton who gave me a DDT and made sweet, sweet love to me all night long on his tour bus?" Sorry, just trying to liven up this video package.

Apparently, Triple H's plan to keep Daniel Bryan from winning the title involved cutting the power to the arena. That WAS a good one.

It's time. It's Daniel Bryan and Randy Orton. And, given the decisive victories for C.M. Punk and the Rhodes Family, I'm guessing Bryan is in for a huge screwing here.

"Randy Orton may be the most dangerous man in the WWE." It's either him or Vince McMahon when Vince drives on I-95.

It's your typical Bryan vs. Orton match, meaning it's very good thus far. Your referee is not Scott Armstrong. And the McMahons have (allegedly) left the building early. Maybe they realized they were in Buffalo. (Rimshot!)

Daniel Bryan hits the diving headbutt on Orton. What should WWE do, fine him for doing that move? I say "YES!"

Somewhere, Nikki Roxx is screaming "Randy Orton just stole my finisher!" (Okay, maybe not)

Bryan has Orton in the Yes Lock, and here comes Big Show's music. And here comes Big Show taking out the ref, and Big Show knocking out Daniel Bryan, and Brad Maddox motioning Scott Armstrong into the ring to make the count...

Then Big Show knocks out Scott Armstrong. Okay. Then Big Show knocks out Randy Orton. Then Big Show chokeslams himself to death. I only made up one of those sentences.

Seriously, that's the show. The championship match ends in a no contest. I'm guessing that goes over like a lead balloon. Or like Los Matadores. Or Stephanie McMahon. You get the idea.

So, we'll have a VIP roundtable up later. Don't forget to join us tomorrow for lots and lots and lots of Raw coverage. Good night!

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