By Pat McNeill, PWTorch Columnist

Torch Columnist Pat McNeill is LIVE from the McNeill Mancave, where he's liveblogging tonight's WWE SummerSlam pay-per-view.

It's your SummerSlam pregame show! Josh Mathews is LIVE from the skybox, previewing tonight's show along with the All-Star Panel of Booker T, Vickie Guerrero, and that guy from "Duck Dynasty."

We then go to Renee Young, who is the "WWE Social Media Lounge." Apparently no one's told the McMahons that "social media lounge" is just a code phrase for "any room my boss isn't in."

Paul Heyman and C.M. Punk get a video package documenting their feud. It's a good video package. It'll still be a good video package when they play it again in three hours.

Okay. Tony Dawson, blah, blah, blah. Big E. Langston goes weightlifting. This is riveting stuff. You're not missing anything. And Punk vs. Lesnar is now a No-DQ match...Wait, what?

A recap of the McMahon Family Storyline. Personally, I'm not interested in any McMahon family involvement, unless it's Vince McMahon taking shoot kicks to the head from Daniel Bryan.

Don't forget to follow SummerSlam via twitter by using the hashtag #ClumsyVersusToothpick.

The pregame panel tells us that John Cena is a millionaire who's had everything handed to him, and that Daniel Bryan is an undersized goof. So, Vince produces the preshow too, huh?

It's on! Dean Ambrose vs. Rob Van Dam for the United States title. Old King, Cole and Rich Texan are your announcers.

Rob Van Dam has Ambrose set up for the Five Star Splash, but the Shield's music hit. So, instead of hitting his finisher and winning the title, Van Dam looks to the back.

Rollins and Reigns and Mark Henry and Big Show are out at ringside, looking at each other. Maybe things will pick up after the commercial.

Van Dam hits the frog splash, and Reigns attacks Van Dam for the disqualification. Our panel tells us the RVD-Dean Ambrose feud isn't over.

Back in the Lounge, Renee Young wants you to tweet to WWE. Her exact words were something like "Please, PLEASE, PLEEEEEEEEEASE tweet us!" Renee also plays the Touts they've received from the WWE Universe. All six of them.

SummerSlam is next.

THE MAIN SHOW kicks off with our SummerSlam host, The Miz. *sigh* In case you forgot why you spent $55 on this show, Miz runs down the lineup again.

After a good cheesy intro, JoJo sings the National Anthem for us, and she's good. Lillian Garcia had better watch her back.

Jerry Lawler advises the Wyatts that "if you can't stand the heat, don't tickle the dragon." Apparently Jerry Lawler has had some interesting life experiences.

Cole promises that we'll see some unusual offense from Bray Wyatt. So far, that's meant no offense whatsoever. The audience seems to be rooting for the fire.

The Wyatt Family tries stealing the fire extinguisher from one of the ringside firemen. It doesn't put out the Ring of Fire. But smothering the fire with a blanket does. And apparently this is a no disqualification match. Bray Wyatt wins.

After the match, the Wyatts decapitate Kane with the ring steps. Good Gawd, the carnage! Okay, I'm kidding. They beat Kane up and drag him off to the Wyatt Family compound. No, not Orlando! Bill DeMott lives there! The humanity!

Tune in three months from now when Glen Jacobs returns as the Wyatt Family's attorney, Joseph Park Wyatt. We get a recap of Heyman's interview from the preshow.

If you thought that last match stunk, here's Cody Rhodes taking on Damien Sandow. You don't like that? Too bad. Silence!

BREAKING NEWS: Cody Rhodes shaved his mustache for an angle that will be paid off on YouTube in five days. Not kidding.

We get a sharp match between Rhodes and Sandow. The clean-shaven one puts away the Duke of Decency clean with the Cross Rhodes. Now, let's take a look back at the stellar career of Christian. No, Cole really said that.

Alberto Del Rio forces Lillian Garcia to introduce him in Spanish. I love that guy. JBL tells us that Del Rio fought Randy Couture many times while they were both amateurs. Well, that certainly explains why Couture became a UFC Champion and Del Rio...didn't.

Christian keeps hanging in there against Del Rio. Michael Cole tells us that Christian won't go away, like a gnat. So Cena's rich and spoiled, Bryan's a toothpick and Christian's a gnat. We need Triple H to show up and compare Punk to a fry cook again.

Christian hits the spear, but can't follow up with an injured shoulder. Del Rio forces Christian to tap to the cross armbreaker. Del Rio gets the mic and tells everyone he represents the Latinos. The Latinos in the audience agree.

We get a National Guard plug, and we get a peek at WWE's new media strategy: Put Kofi Kingston in football jersey and pretend he's Robert Griffin III.

So, if I told you that Fandango & Summer Rae just had a dance-off with The Miz & Maria Menounous, how would you react to that? Thought so.

Natalya vs. Brie Bella. This is a perfect opportunity for the announcers to plug "Total Divas." Lawler tells us he watches "Total Divas" on his DVR on a continuous loop. Normally, I don't buy into Uncle Jerry's shameless plugs, but I suspect he's telling the truth here.

Brie Bella loves to call spots in a loud voice...I mean, "Brie Bella sure loves to talk trash to her opponents."

Natalya wins by submission in the middle of the ring. Okay, now they're just screwing with me and the Reddit guy.

Earlier today, blah blah blah, stay the f--- away from Ryback when he's in the chow line.

Tune in tomorrow night on Raw, when Ryback pisses off the wrong guy in catering and learns firsthand how the "Stand Your Ground" law works.

It's Punk vs. Lesnar. Right now! No disqualification! A little early in the show, but let's roll with it.

Lesnar beats the crap out of Punk while I figure out what finish they're going to rip off from last night's UFC show. Punk rallies until Lesnar throws Punk over the announce table, and then back the other way. Hey, you know you're supposed to remove the monitors from the announce table before you...? Oh. Too late.

You know, it's amazing how good Brock Lesnar's matches are. Unless he's facing semi-retired guys with bad legs, but that doesn't happen very often.

Helpful hint for C.M. Punk. I'm not an mixed martial arts expert, but I'm pretty sure when you apply a triangle choke, your arms have to be able to reach around the other guy's head.

Yeah, I'm out of snark. This match is great. Punk hits Go To Sleep, and Heyman has to make the save. Punk snaps and beats down Heyman until Brock makes the save. That's five chairshots. Six chairshots. Welcome to the PG era! Lesnar F-5's Punk on a chair, and aloha means goodbye.

JBL says "That was awful." No, the Ring of Fire match was awful. Punk vs. Lesnar was freaking fantastic.

Some fan won tickets to SummerSlam by agreeing to take a splash from Mark Henry. The WWE promotions department better hope Bill Watts doesn't show up at their office tomorrow morning.

Ziggler & Kaitlyn vs. Langston & A.J. Lee. A.J. apparently told Michael Cole that all of her ex-boyfriends "deserve what they got." Get tested, fellas.

Langston gets himself ZigZagged, and Dolph & Kaitlyn score the win. Perfectly good popcorn match there.

The Miz hosts SummerSlam and lays out Fandango. JBL compares Miz to Chuck Woolery. Okay, that was funny.

Cena vs. Bryan. We get a video package of Vince telling Bryan he doesn't have the "ruthless aggression" a WWE champion needs. You know, like Ryan Braun.

John Cena is introduced. I'll say this for him. Cena got more cheers than, say, Sirhan Sirhan.

Here we go. Match time. I'm laying out for a little while, unless I see something important.

The highlight of the match so far was JBL explaining about Daniel Bryan's elbow injury, followed by Cole asking "Why SHOULDN'T John Cena be confident?" Um, the elbow injury?

Cena hits Bryan with the West Newbury Jam off the top rope, nearly crushing Bryan's head in the process. And then Cena attempted something that looked vaguely like a Styles Clash, and nearly killed Bryan again.

Just like that, Bryan hits the nastiest looking running knee strike known to man, and wins the WWE title. Damn. Then the fans boo Bryan for shaking hands with Cena. At least they're consistent.

The confetti drops, and Daniel Bryan gets his shining moment. What a show! Don't forget to tune in for...

"I hear voices in my head." Orton comes out, shows off the briefcase, but apparently doesn't want to face the new champ yet...

Pedigree! Triple H with the Pedigree on Daniel Bryan. Oh, for Pete's sake. And Orton cashes in. Randy Orton is your brand new WWE champion.

Why did Triple H align himself with Randy Orton? You know what they say: Evolution Is A Mystery. The crowd pelts Triple H and Randy Orton with garbage. Oh, wait, no they didn't. They've gone silent.

At least we have something to talk about on the post-show Livecast. Join James and Greg at the bottom of the hour on PWTorchLivecast.com. All you VIP's can tune in for the post-show Roundtable later in the evening. Good night, everybody.

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