By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

PWTorch Columnist Pat McNeill was hoping to cover the big TNA Bound For Glory show from his local movie theater. Sadly, due to his recent knee surgery, that won't be happening. We will go LIVE to couchside for an exclusive report shortly after the conclusion of a certain pro football game.

God's in his heaven, RG3 rules the turf, and we are just minutes away from TNA's Biggest Wrestling Show Of The Year. You know this is the case because Hulk Hogan has the microphone, brother.

Now, let's take a closer look at the main event. "The Charismatic Enigma" vs. "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived." Wow, that doesn't really seem like a fair fight, does it?

Okay, time to switch to the pay-per-view channel. Look at the great moments from previous Bound For Glory shows. There was the time Sting won the title, and the time Samoa Joe gave himself a career-shortening injury, and, oh, I don't have the heart to keep snarking through this. The pain meds are kicking in.

Memories are going to live forever.

That's a decent sized crowd. We're kicking off with the X Division title match of Zema Ion vs. Rob Van Dam. Either TNA has a great idea for using RVD in the X Division, or they realized how flat the crowd would be if they didn't have a recognizable star in the opener.

Tenay runs down the list of wrestlers Ion has defended the X Division Title against, and it's worse than I thought. TNA needs to bring in some names for Zema to defend against, like Jigsaw or Roderick Strong or Mr. Belding.

Zema has his working boots on tonight, and his hair is full of Fighting Spirit. The champ hits a dive onto the older fellow.

"Damn, that's tough to watch!" That's Tenay's line, not mine.

Rob hits Ion with the four and a quarter star frog splash, and we have a new X Division. Plus, as Tenay reminds us, we have just seen the historuc first meeting between Zema Ion and Rob Van Dam.

Remember, you can follow all the Bound For Glory action on Twitter by using the hashtag #Meh

Samoa Joe takes on Magnus for the TNA Television Title. For the record, I'm really glad Samoa Joe stayed with Total Nonstop Action. For one thing, if Joe were in WWE, his developmental name would be Lumpy Uso.

This is going surprisingly well. Joe and Magnus have good chemistry together. Oops! Sorry. I'll go back to hating soon.

Joe finally pulls Magnus into the Kokina Clutch for the submission. Joe is your winner. Now back to Jeremy Borash, who tells us that the Roode vs. Storm match has been a year in the making. Well, they've actually wrestled twice on television and once at Lockdown, but who's counting?

Roode gets the first promo. He complains that Mom always liked Storm best.

We get the video package for the Storm vs. Roode street fight. That reminds me. If Hulk Hogan can make a phone call and bring in King Mo, why didn't he call on some friends to help him with Aces & Eights? I imagine even the most hardened biker would piss himself if Mr. T, George Foreman & Shaq rolled up to the clubhouse in the A-Team's 1982 GMC van.

Oh, crap, I think I just gave Eric Bischoff his next reality show idea.

I was wondering why that guy in the front row had a "Garett 4 World Champ" sign. Then I figured out...that's how he got the front row seats.

James Storm has been busted open. Ah, forehead scar tissue, how I've missed seeing you on important wrestling shows.

It's garbage time. I mean, literally, there's a garbage can in the ring.

You have to love King Mo's facial expression after watching Storm and Roode trade garbage can shots on the ramp. "S***, when do they teach me how to do THAT?"

Willie Urbina and the Spanish announce team looked upset upon learning that their "table" consisted of a cloth covering a pile of particle board and dried leaves.

The funny part is, the State Department had just assured the Spanish announce team that their table was "perfectly safe."

Storm shoves Roode off the top rope onto the pile of thumbtacks. (Abyss has the night off.) Then Storm hits Roode with the most unsafe beer bottle ever. It may have shattered before it touched Roode. And another superkick onto the tacks, and Storm wins.

I'll admit, part of me was wondering if they were going to have Roode screw over Storm for the umpteenth time because the other finish was too "predictable."

Okay, screw those prelim matches. Let's get to the important stuff. Joey Ryan's fighting a road agent! And it's next!

Joey Ryan just announced that he's a West Coast guy and Arizona's on the West Coast. Someone's not going to do well on "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?"

Joey Ryan vs. Al Snow. Taz tells us there's no ring rust on Al, which raises the question of how Taz is qualified to be a "Gut Check" judge in the first place.

Joey gets the advantage and stops to make out with Head. There's no way this can end well. And I'm right. Matt Morgan just ran in to beat up Al Snow. And Joey Ryan gets the win.

Daniels and Kazarian cut a promo. They're ready for the triple threat match. Appletinis all around! Very well done.

TNA obviously put more time into this prematch video package than they will on putting together the actual match.

It's Daniels/Kazarian vs. Styles/Angle vs. Chavo/Hernandez. Good stuff, but Angle looks like he can only work in short bursts. And just as I type that, Angle hits a bunch of suplexes, and we start a round of Everyone Hits Their Big Moves.

Angle gets knocked off the apron and sells it way more than you normally sell getting knocked off the apron. Either that or he stayed down so he wouldn't have to catch any of these big dives. A.J. does an absolutely psychotic double springboard.

Daniels hits the BME, but Styles kicks out. "Daniels is blowing a cork!" Thanks, Tenay, there's another visual image I didn't need.

Hernandez pins Daniels after a border toss/frog splash combo. New tag team champions. This finish doesn't get over until Christy Hemme interviews Chavo and Chavo explains that he's Eddie Guerrero's nephew.

Time for an epic tale of betrayal and revenge. It's time for Brooke Tessmacher vs. Hollywood Tara for the Knockouts Title.

There's a celebrity at ringside! It's a female disc jockey from the local classic rock station. Okay, somebody's been watching Ring of Honor.

Taz sums up referee Taryn Terrell's career: "At least she's hot."

Tara wins clean and introduces us to her new boyfriend, former Big Brother contestant "Mr. Pec-tacular" Jesse Godderrddzzz. The crowd chants "Who are you?"

We get highlights of Sting's Hall of Fame induction. The good news is that Lex Luger looks a lot healthier than the last time we saw him. The bad news is, now he sorta looks like a healthy Dwight Schrute.

We get a video package recapping the entire Aces and Eights storyline. It doesn't help. Sting & Bully Ray versus The Mystery Bikers is next!

The Aces & Eights team drags Joseph Park to the ringside with him. Park looks rough, like a guy who just went on a bender after betting on Boston College.

This is no disqualification, right? So instead of sending two guys to the ring, why didn't Aces & Eights send twenty guys with tire irons? What's Hogan going to do, suspend them?

Spoke too soon. A couple more Aces (or Eights) arrive. They put Bully through a table and win the match, four-on-two. Hogan makes the save and delivers the world's slowest beatdown to the bad guys.

Hogan takes the mask off the "leader" and reveals...Brother Devon! Hey, at least the fans recognized him. Sort of. The bad guys rescue Devon and they all beat feet.

I may not have heard it correctly, but it sounds like the fans are chanting "This is awk-ward."

It's worse than I thought. Jeff Hardy recorded another entrance song for himself. On the bright side, he now glows in the dark.

Aries vs. Hardy for the TNA Title. Yes, the fans are cheering for the heel champion in the cape. I love TNA crowds.

Aries and Hardy stay with it, and Aries gets enough heat that we have dueling chants.

Aries has Hardy in a front chancery, but Hardy escapes. We get a crisscross and Hardy drops Aries on his face.

This has been good, but it's not a classic.

Jeff, who has his face done up like Growltiger from "Cats," is having a hard time figuring out why the adult male crowd isn't getting behind him.

Hardy takes everything Aries has and wins the title with the swanton. Most of the crowd hates this.

Good match. And a decent show. I'm not sure it will raise interest in TNA's product, but it shouldn't run anyone off. Now go join James on BlogTalkRadio for the postgame show, and the VIP roundtable will be up in an hour or so. Good night!

We suggest these recent related articles...

McNEILL's Late Night Deadblog - WWE Night of Champions: Bucklebombs, Light-up Jackets, Poachers, IcoPro, Eddie, more!

Night of Gold: McNEILL Previews Night Of Champions 2015 (w/Wrestling History Lesson)

Double Duty: McNEILL previews ROH's All-Star Extravaganza VII pay-per-view!