By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

We are LIVE from couchside for WWE No Way Out!

We have been magically whisked away to New Jersey. Yes, it's time for the YouTube preshow. We learn that there will be a four-way tag team match on the show. Whoopee.

Brodus "Torn MCL" Clay beats David Otunga by countout when Otunga walks out the match. The guy with the torn knee ligament danced before and after the match. Fantastic.

The preshow is coming to an end. Heading to the fridge for my diet green tea. The drinks will flow, and blood (won't) spill, and if the boys wanna fight, you better let 'em. Let's get this started.

If you missed the preshow, you missed Scott Stanford calling Matt Striker "Matty" until I thought Striker was going to slap him.

After the pyro, we kick things off with Sheamus defending the WWE Opening Match Title against Dolph Ziggler.

Remember, you can follow tonight's WWE conversation on Twitter by using the hashtag #FreeCrankyVince

The crowd slightly favors the heel challenger, but that's only because we're in the "Bizarro World" of New Jersey. The match starts with Vickie kissing Dolph for good luck, Sheamus going for the Brogue kick, but Dolph barely dodging it. Nice.

Remember, the title can only change hands by pinfall, submission, or one guy placing an ether-soaked rag over the other guy's nose and mouth. Oh sorry, that's Ring of Honor. My bad.

Good match, but nothing spectacular. Storyline is Ziggler showboating and Sheamus scrapping. Lawler is getting after Dolph for being cocky. It's like this is a wrestling match or something.

Sheamus kicks out of the Zig Zag. The crowd starts going nuts...for Dolph. Dolph hits the Super Sex Factor (Rhett Titus!) and Sheamus kicks out. I don't think this crowd hates Sheamus. I think they just want to see Dolph win a big match.

Nope. Sheamus counters the Zig Zig into White Noise and hits the Brogue kick for the win. Booker, who's been openly cheering for Dolph THE WHOLE MATCH, announces "You gotta love it."

And...we're backstage with Mr. McMahon and John Laurinaitis. Nice suit, Ace. Johnny says Vince has a concussion and shouldn't go out to ringside. Vince brushes Johnny off. Of course, Josh Mathews picks this moment to interview Laurinaitis, and Johnny brushes off Josh. Poop runs downhill in WWE.

Time for the Tuxedo Match. Santino Marella is wearing a powder blue suit. Ricardo Rodriguez's entrance music can best be described as "Mexican Polka."

The match starts funny and gets mildly creepy. The crowd starts a "boring" chant. Ricardo is not wearing a Justin Bieber T-shirt. The Cobra is not in formal wear. Lawler busts on Santino for wearing white socks.

Santino finally gets the victory, revealing that Ricardo is sporting Alberto Del Rio underwear. Jerry Lawler has to pretend this is hysterically funny. Booker didn't get the memo.

Backstage, Matt Striker asks C.M. Punk about his relationship with A.J. Punk is patiently attempting to explain to Striker the difference between "relationship" and "screwing" when A.J. drops by to kiss the champ.

It's Christian defending the WWE Intercontinental Title against Cody Rhodes. This is more of that "wrestling" stuff the kids have been raving about.

Cody works the shoulder while the announcers tease that Christian is suffering from a stinger. I thought that was last Sunday. *rimshot* Perfectly fine match, as Christian hits a spear and retains the title.

We get an outside shot of the Izod Center, which has been hosting WWE events since back when WWE was cool. Time for a four-way tag contenders match of Kidd/Gabriel vs. The Uso vs. Prime Time Players vs. Those Guys Who Hang Out With Rosa Mendez.

Did You Know? When you translate the Usos' Samoan war chant, you get the lyrics to "Ante Up" by Mash Out Posse.

We're about five minutes into this match, and Ryback hasn't come out to destroy all eight of these guys. I'm confused.

Tyson Kidd does a rana on Primo from the top turnbuckle to the floor. Fortunately, the other six wrestlers in the ring are there to break Primo's fall. The finish comes when Abraham Washington turns on the Colons and joins the Prime Time Players. Primo and Epico go after A.W., but Young and O'Neil complete the beatdown.

Alberto Del Rio is the star of the commercial for next month's "Money In the Bank" pay-per-view. I hope he's cleared to wrestle by then.

Triple H, uh, is speaking, uh, next. Call me when his entrance is over.

Speech time. Hunter wants to get rid of the fat, balding, lawyer-type manager. Hey, what the hell? Oh, wait. He's talking about Paul Heyman. Hunter challenges Lesnar to a match at SummerSlam. The crowd, sensing the importance of this development, starts chanting for Daniel Bryan.

Backstage, A.J. wishes Daniel Bryan luck, and kisses him. Hmmmmm.

Up next is your Divas title match. It's Layla versus Beth Phoenix. Layla steals Beth's tiara and leads the Glamazon on a chase around the ring. Fifty-five dollars in HD. I'm just sayin'. Lawler does commentary like a man who never got over the demise of apartment house wrestling. Layla hits a DDT and wins again.

Backstage, yada yada yada, A.J. kisses Kane. But unlike those other dips, Kane kisses her back.

Up next, Sin Cara versus Hunico. Cole explains that Sin Cara used to be the biggest box office draw in Mexico, but WWE put a stop to that. The crowd, as if the underscore that last joke, starts chanting for Zack Ryder.

Sin Cara beats Hunico with a tilt-a-whirl headscissors into a pin. Booker T was ranting about Hunico's Chuck Taylor sneakers and how they were "old school" -- from the 1980's. Right, Book. I remember all those great showdowns between Chuck Taylor and Magic Johnson.

Time for our WWE Title match of C.M. Punk vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Kane. This is going to be fun. It had better be good too, because this match needs to save the show. Booker says something dumb, but the match is good enough that I'm willing to let it slide.

The crowd hasn't figured out that we won't get a finish until A.J. hits the ring. And there she is! Kane accidentally knocks A.J. off the ring apron and Punk catches him with the GTS. The crazy chick saved Punk. Sort of.

After the match, Kane carries A.J. to the back, like Richard Gere carried Debra Winger in "An Officer and a Gentleman." To put a bow on all of this, A.J. is wearing Chuck Taylor hightops.

WWE claims Raw is the biggest television program in the history of Monday nights. I wonder who gets to break that news to the boys at "Monday Night Football?"

The next match is Dan Delaney & Rob Grymes against Skip Ryback. Maybe Ryback could hold off on his victory until I finish typing this sentence. Ryback wins. This might be the way WWE future endeavors people from now on.

The theme song for SummerSlam uses the words "Be A Star". I defecate you not. The main event is next!

John Laurinaitis makes his way to ringside. Mr. Laurinaitis's wardrobe is supplied by Jim Cornette's Menswear. Vince McMahon is wearing a somewhat normal gray suit.

Cena and Show are in the cage. This would be exciting if I hadn't already seen Cena wrestle Show numerous times over the past several years. Both wrestlers pass up opportunities to leave the cage and, you know, win the match. Show goes for the Randy Savage elbowdrop off the top...and misses.

To quote the great Casey Kasem, this match is ponderous.

Laurinaitis and Vince fight over control of the cage door. Laurinaitis hits Vince from behind and slams the door on Cena. Show tries to leave the cage, but Brodus Clay is there with the steel chair for the block. All the babyfaces Show beat up hit the ring to help Brodus. Show tries to go out over the top, but Kofi Kingston kicks Show back in.

We end with a cage race. Cena escapes over the top before Show leaves through the door. Laurinaitis gets fired and Cena gives Ace the A.A. through the Spanish announce table. Well, there you go.

John Cena foils the bullies (except for the one in the gray suit) and the fans leave happy. That's it from here. Join James Caldwell and Greg Parks for the post-game show, and I'll be part of the VIP roundtable later on.

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