By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of "Bionic Arm" Paul Levesque, Stephanie "Home Team" Levesque and WWE President "Cranky" Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a Black & Decker SmartBrew® coffee maker. The SmartBrew® has a Perfect Pour® Carafe with a dripless spout and ergonomic handle. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, unless it interferes with a joke or a running gag.

So, we've gone from John Cena vs. The Rock to John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar to...John Cena vs. John Laurinaitis. Going into the month, it was obvious that Over The Limit was the twelfth most important WWE pay-per-view of the year. Now it's official. On top of that, WWE Raw's rating for Monday night was a 2.9. USA Network responding to this drop by convincing WWE to make Raw a three-hour show. What happens when Raw hits a 2.6 rating? Does USA give WWE a fourth hour of Raw?

More on that in a moment. Let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson. Twenty-five years ago, in the days before monthly pay-per-views, the World Wrestling Federation had a television show called "Saturday Night's Main Event." The date was May 2, 1987, and we had George "The Animal" Steele against the late Randy "Macho Man" Savage in a lumberjack match. Vince McMahon and Jesse "The Body" Ventura have the call.



Did you miss the main event of Friday Night Smackdown? Here it is, with Sheamus meeting Randy Orton in a non-title affair. Before the match begins, watch as John Laurinaitis utterly fails to Be A Star.





What was the main event of WWE Raw fifteen years ago? I'm so glad you asked! From May 19, 1997, it's a titanic battle as "Stone Cold" Steve Austin faced off with Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart. Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler have the call, after a very special interview with The Undertaker.



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and Booker T. Huffman will probably be announcing this show. On with the projections!

I'm guessing WWE will have more than five matches on the show. So let's add a couple of matches based on recent television and house show results. I'll go with Lord Tensai beating up Tyson Kidd, and the team of Cody Rhodes & Christian defeating Santino Marella & The Great Khali.

Zack Ryder vs. Kane: Poor Zack. Poor Kane. Most of all, poor us. Projection? Kane wins with the chokeslam. Let's keep this simple.

Layla El vs. Beth Phoenix (WWE Divas Title): Layla El won the Divas title in a shocking swerve at Extreme Rules. Beth Phoenix obviously wants to win it back, but WWE also has Kharma waiting in the wings. Projection? Layla somehow hits the Face Lift and pins Phoenix. It would be best to stretch out this storyline so the first meeting between Beth Phoenix and Kharma takes place at SummerSlam.

R-Truth & Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger (WWE Tag Team Titles): Hey, remember when Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger were set to fight over the affections of the fair Vickie Guerrero, leading to a big feud? I know. It's been a while. Projection? We have a miscommunication between the challengers. R-Truth hits Swagger with the Lie Detector for the victory, and Swagger blames Dolph for the loss. Yes, it would require some suspension of disbelief on behalf of the audience to buy that anyone in WWE still cares about the tag team titles, but you have to start somewhere.

Sheamus vs. Alberto Del Rio vs. Chris Jericho vs. Randy Orton (Smackdown World Title - Fatal Four Way): This is one of those rare instances when the move from a singles match (Sheamus vs. Del Rio) to a four-way match might actually build up interest in the bout. Alberto Del Rio is a bout as cold a main event wrestler as you'll find this side of TNA. Projection? Jericho catches Orton with the Codebreaker, but Sheamus hits the Brogue Kick and pins Jericho. Again, maybe we should build toward Sheamus and Orton at SummerSlam, and not hotshot in time for Memorial Day.

C.M. Punk vs. Daniel Bryan (WWE Heavyweight Title): This is it. This is the match that old-time wrestling fans have been waiting for, for a couple of weeks now. Of course, for workrate fans to be satisfied, this will have to get the time an average pay-per-view main event gets. Projection? A.J. Lee comes to ringside and attempts to distract C.M. Punk. Punk ignores A.J. and hits the Go To Sleep to keep the title. Bryan blames A.J. for the loss.

John Cena vs. John Laurinaitis (No Disqualification Match): The last time John Laurinaitis wrestled on American pay-per-view was twenty-two years ago. And he wasn't that good at the time. Sometimes, the obvious finish is the best one. Projection? Cena has Captain Clown Shoes in trouble, when Big Show runs in from the crowd and decks Cena with the WMD punch, enabling The Ace to grab a tainted victory.

Aftermath: The next pay-per-view is "No Way Out," which takes place in four weeks. Let's go with Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho, Sheamus vs. Christian, and John Cena vs. Big Show.

***

Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He's stuck in the middle, and the pain is thunder.

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