By Pat McNeill, PWTorch Bar Columnist

Our own Pat McNeill is liveblogging from a sports bar outside Richmond, Virginia, where he is allegedly looking for his long-lost shaker of salt...

We are LIVE from barside for WWE's "Tables, Ladders & Chairs" pay-per-view, built by The Home Depot. I have borrowed Mrs. McNeill's laptop for the evening. Granted, it's more convenient than texting it in on my cellphone, but I can't figure out how you people do this without using a mouse.

Tonight's waitress is dressed in an Albert Haynesworth Washington Redskins' jersey. Fortunately, she does not look like Albert Haynesworth. The wrestling area is filled with a large party that is obviously not here to see C.M. Punk and The Miz.

Oh, and we're getting a parody version of "'Twas the night before Christmas" for our opening montage. That's gimmick infringement, darn it. And it didn't even rhyme.

Excuse me! Vickie Guerrero is out to open the show, which means we're kicking things off with Dolph Ziggler vs. Zack Ryder for the WWE United States Title.

Please join in the conversation tonight on Twitter by using the hashtag #JohnCena'sInTheBuildingSomewhere.

#TLC is trending worldwide on Twitter. I think they air that "Sister Wives" show on Sunday nights. We'd also like to remind you that this show is broadcast on the American Forces Network, where Michael Cole's commentary is used to torture detainees at Gitmo.

Sorry about the delay. My dinner arrived. Vickie Guerrero was caught interfering and sent packing by the referee. After some nearfalls, Zack hits the Ruff Ryder, and we have a new United States Champion! The crowd is really into the win, both here and in Baltimore. Ryder sells this as the greatest moment in his life, which is wonderful.

Backstage, Booker T is playing up to Alicia Fox when he is brutally attacked by his wife...No, wait, he's attacked by Cody Rhodes. Tell me he did not just do that.

WWE is helping to donate Slim Jim meat snacks to the troops. I remember when people used to donate healthy things to the troops, like cigarettes.

Now it's time for Air Boom to take on the Puerto Rican Xchange for the WWE Tag Team Titles. The moral of this story is that synthetic marijuana is even worse for you than regular marijuana, at least if you're a WWE wrestler.

Rosa Mendes, angry that she could have been managing the United States champion, does his screaming Vickie Guerrero impression at ringside. Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise and Air Boom keeps the titles. Tune in to Superstars for the next chapter in the tag team title saga.

Josh Mathews is backstage, interviewing the door outside the trainer's office. The door doesn't know whether Booker T can wrestle tonight.

Teddy Long is dressed as Santa Claus, and he has a present for Hornswoggle. It's the Rosetta Stone Ebonics CD. Hornswoggle kicks Teddy in the shin. This actually happened.

Next up is Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett in a Tables Match. Randy actually wanted to wrestle Barrett in a taped fist match, but they straightened him out.

Orton tries to put Barrett through a table. He doesn't. Barrett tries to put Orton through a table. He doesn't. They're throwing each other into posts and tables and steel steps, and they're not allowed to blade. It's actually a good effort, but violent stipulation matches and PG-rated wrestling promotions don't really go together.

Barrett is busting out the offense tonight. First it was the Randy Savage flying elbow, then the Big Bubba Rogers Bossman Slam. The crowd is chanting for Randy. A group of Eagles fan has wandered in and are pretending not to watch the show. Barrett goes to the second rope to splash Randy through a table, but Randy moves and hits the RKO through the table for the win. Are we getting the mega-happy ending tonight?

Backstage, the Bella sisters are chatting up Teddy Claus. Teddy Claus gives them...his phone number. Hilarity does not ensue. Jack Swagger drops in. Jack wants Teddy Claus to punish Mark Henry for what happened on Smackdown. Sheamus wanders in and kisses Teddy Claus's arse. Swagger's upset. Blah, blah, blah, let's have a Sheamus vs. Swagger match later tonight.

Beth Phoenix is out to defend the Divas Title against Barbie Blank...I mean, Kelly Kelly. Kelly is dressed as one of the official pole dancers of the NFL's Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Lawler tells a joke that was funny when Joe Namath told it, forty years ago

Beth goes on a extended run of offense. Kelly sells with facial expressions that would be entirely appropriate if she were engaged in a tickle fight with her babysitter. Beth misses the top rope legdrop, and Kelly tries to hit her finisher. Then Kelly goes for a rana, and Beth drops Kelly on her face to retain the championship.

Backstage, The Miz meets up with El Patron. Miz tries to intimidate Alberto and utterly fails to impress him. (Really? Really.) Miz shoves Ricardo's dinner in his face and ruins Ricardo's tux.

Santino the Magnificent hosts the Royal Rumble commercial. There's your view of the Baltimore skyline. The National Guard thanks the WWE for soemthing. Booker T comes out to wrestle Cody Rhodes, and the bar crowd cheers. And...Cody promptly attacks Booker from behind in the aisle. Vince McMahon sends the two fattest road agents on the payroll to chase Cody to the back. No match.

Now it's the video package for the big sledgehammer bout between Triple H and Kevin Nash. Can Cody Rhodes keep this match from happening too?

No dice. Triple H vs. Kevin Nash in The Match Time Did Not Forget. There's one woman in here who likes the part where Triple H spits water. Well, that was the highlight of his match at Venegance...

Right hand by Triple H. And a right hand. A big right by Triple H. And a right hand. And another right hand. And a right hand and, aw hell, he's blown up.

Let's skip ahead to the part where they're back in the ring. Triple H grabs a ladder and hits Nash in the knee. And another one to the knee. Hunter smashes the metal into Nash's patella, and stomps the knee. And again. And Hunter wraps Nash's leg inside the ladder and executes the figure-four ladder lock. Now Hunter calls to ringside for a production assistant and has the PA climb the ladder...Okay, you got me. I made that last part up.

Hunter goes to whip Nash into a ladder, but Big Kev reverses it and sends Hunter into the ladder with a Flair Flip up and over the top turnbuckle to the floor. Yeah, that looked painful. So did that backbreaker onto the ladder. Good grief, Hunter.

Nash rolls Hunter out of the ring, clears the announcer table and motions for a powerbomb. Here comes the part where Hunter reverses it into a backdrop. And here comes...well...There's getting up for the backdrop, and then there's "not exactly."

A few minutes later, we're all wearing our bowling shoes. Hunter and Nash climb the ladder...very.....slowly. Hunter swings the sledgehammer into Nash, who falls off the ladder and crashes through a table. And Hunter has the sledgehammer. Nash doesn't really sell go through the table, but the sledgehammer shots to the knee? He sells those. Pedigree. Another sledgehammer shot. Triple H scores the pin.

You know that four-disc Best of Triple H DVD set that's coming out in March? This match won't make the cut. Nash is strapped to a backboard, and will be taken to Kayfabe Methodist Hospital.

Backstage, Matt Striker chats with WWE Champion C.M. Punk. Punk, having learned from WWE legends Triple H and Kevin Nash, completely no-sells the beatdown he suffered on Raw and any concern he might have about facing two former champs in a TLC match. John Laurinaitis comes by to wish Punk good luck.

It's Sheamus vs. Jack Swagger. Vickie Guerrero is wearing one of those outfits that women wear when they're trying to look heavier than they really are. Sheamus misses the Brogue kick and Swagger starts working on the knee of Sheamus. Sheamus escapes the Ankle Lock and hits the Brogue kick for the win. Okay then. The babyfaces are 5-1 tonight.

Backstage, Josh Mathews welcomes The Big Show. Show's strategy for tonight is to keep hitting Mark Henry with the chair. Troy Aikman would approve.

Big Show vs. Mark Henry in a chairs match. Show leaves the ring and starts tossing chairs into the ring. Henry gets upset and tries to walk out on the match. Show chases Henry and hits Henry a few times with a chair. Henry rallies and rams Show's right hand into the steps, nullifying Show's knockout punch. Now read the above paragraph really slowly over a period of four minutes, and you'll have an idea what this match is like.

Show then nails Henry with a right hand and drops him. Show with the cover. One, two, three. A woman at the pool tables screams "That was the worst fudging match ever!" But she doesn't say "fudging."

Mark Henry attacks Big Show after the match and lays Henry out with a DDT. Well, that was...Wait, it's Daniel Bryan! Bryan hands over the briefcase. Bryan covers the unconscious Big Show. One, two, three! Daniel Bryan is the new Smackdown champion. One person in the bar cheers. (Okay, that was me.) The angry woman shoots the double bird at the big screen.

Daniel Bryan then jumps on the announce table and taunts Michael Cole with the big gold belt. Then Bryan celebrates with the crowd. Big Show wakes up, surveys the scene, and slinks off to the back.

The WWE Network commercial airs again. It will launch...sometime in 2012.

Josh Mathews consoles Booker T. Booker responds by performing the Mel Gibson speech from "Braveheart." Okay, not really. But it is time for Cody Rhodes defending the Intercontinental Title against Booker T.

Cole tells Lawler that with all the screwy finishes tonight, he wouldn't be surprised if Booker won the title. Normally, a line like that would be a dead giveaway as to the finish. Cody actually locks a full nelson on Booker, but The Book powers out.

Booker has the advantage, so it's time for a spinaroonie. Yeah, he's blown up. Cody hits the Ernest "The Cat" Miller springboard kick for a near fall. Another kick finishes the match. Cody Rhodes is still your Intercontinental champion.

I need to create one of those Amazon Wishlists, just so I can put the Stone Cold DVD set on it. Jerry Lawler loves him some Kasabian. Time for the main event.

C.M. Punk vs. Alberto Del Rio vs. The Miz in a TLC match for the WWE Title. It's Clobberin' Time. The entire crowd is chanting for Punk. It's the opposite of what a John Cena match sounds like.

Miz and Del Rio work together to beat up Punk, until Ricardo distracts Miz and Del Rio chairs Miz. By that time, Captain Pipe Bomb has recovered. Now we hit the part of the match when the wrestlers each take a turn damaging another wrestler.

Punk gets the advantage and beats the crap out of both opponents. Punk rolls the ladder in and gets ready to climb. Then Ricardo runs in and handcuffs Punk to the small bar on the underside of the ladder. Del Rio beats up Punk and starts climbing. Will this be the end?

Nope. Punk kicks the ladder until the little bar gives way, and pulls himself free. That was a good spot.

Now it's Alberto's turn. He sends Punk off the top rope through a table. Ladder-assisted armbar on Miz. Chair-assisted armbar on Punk. Del Rio starts climbing. Miz and Punk team up and turn over the ladder, sending Alberto crotch-first onto the top rope. Ricardo runs in and tries to climb the ladder. Miz and Punk repeat the trick, tipping the ladder over and sending Ricardo over the top rope through a table for a Holy Crap bump.

Punk misses a shoulderblock and Miz grabs the handcuffs and cuffs Punk to the turnbuckle. Miz and Del Rio start fighting their way up the ladder. Punk has to unscrew the second turnbuckle and frees himself. After a three-way fight on top of the ladder, Punk finishes off his opponents and retrieves the title. That was a hell of a match, and a popular finish here and in the pool room.

That's all for now. Join Caldwell and Parks for the postgame show, and join me on the Wednesday Livecast with The Headbangers. No, really.

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