By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of The King of Kings, Stephanie "Home Team" Levesque and WWE President "Cranky" Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because anything can happen in WWE, except for building new stars. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive Hamilton-Beach's Deluxe Drinkmaster milkshake machine, with two mixing speeds. Perfect for making milkshakes, diet drinks, omelettes and more. From Hamilton-Beach. Remember, this is only an exhibition. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except the part where he fires Michael Cole. Out of a cannon.

As WWE's recent ratings slump enters its second...decade, it's time to examine the current state of the promotion.

1) After twenty-eight years running the biggest pro wrestling company on the continent, Vincent K. McMahon still doesn't grasp that people watch professional wrestling to see pro wrestling matches and pro wrestling storylines.
2) This is especially troubling, since Mr. McMahon is trying to launch a 24-hour WWE cable channel, and non-wrestling fans are going to avoid this channel like the plague.
3) The WWE writers aren't trying to put together compelling television programs. Their goal is to avoid being yelled at by Vincent K. McMahon.
4) Vincent K. McMahon plans to give up his grip over World Wrestling Entertainment when they pry the company out of his cold, dead hands.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Now, it's time for this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson. Let us take you back to twenty years ago, when we actually had a semi-important pay-per-view in December. On December 3, 1991, the World Wrestling Federation put on its special "This Tuesday in Texas" pay-per-view from San Antonio, Texas. In the opening contest, Bret "The Hitman" Hart defends the WWF Intercontinental Title against current FCW trainer Steve "Skinner" Keirn.



In fairness, WWE did something right on this week's three hour Slammy-laden episode of Raw.



And yes, Kane will feud with John Cena. Trust me on this, you people.

In other news, I found the Holy Grail of YouTube videos. Share and enjoy.




Your announcers will probably be Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and Josh Mathews, unless I get a say in the matter. On with the projections!

There might be a seventh match on this show, something along the lines of Beth Phoenix defeating Eve Torres (again). The Air Boom vs. Primo & Epico title match would be a better fit for Raw on Monday.

Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett (Tables Title): The one thing about a show like this is that every match feels important. By the way, I'm not a fan of calling Randy Orton "The Apex Predator." Every time I hear it, I expect Chris Hansen to hop the barricade and ask Randy to have a seat. Projection? Orton RKO's Wade through a table for the win. The "beauty" of a tables match is that it doesn't end the feud, because all the winner's proven is that he can put the other guy through a table.

Zack Ryder vs. Dolph Ziggler (WWE United States Title): Yes, Zack's getting a shot at the United States title. Yes, again. Projection? See, Ryder deserves something, but he doesn't deserve to beat Ziggler, who should be the promotion's next main event star. Vickie distracts Ryder long enough for Ziggy to hit the Zig Zag and keep the championship.

Cody Rhodes vs. Booker T. Huffman (WWE Intercontinental Title): I know people are worried about whether Booker can still deliver a quality match, but those people are forgetting the big picture. The big picture is, Booker won't be doing commentary. And since we're doing this, why not kill two birds with one stone? Projection? Cole tries to interfere on Cody's behalf. Daniel Bryan comes to ringside and kicks Michael Cole in the head a few dozen times. This eliminates Cole from the rest of the broadcast, and distracts Rhodes look enough for Booker to roll Cody up and capture the WWE Intercontinental Title.

Also, the injuries from all the kicks from Daniel Bryan cause Cole to experience selective amnesia. When Cole returns to Raw two weeks later, he can't remember all the stupid stuff he did over the past year, and Cole stops acting like an asshat and starts acting like WWE's lead announcer. Maybe that will help people, you know, enjoy the show more.

Triple H vs. Kevin Nash (Sledgehammer on a Ladder Match): Two guys with bad knees in a ladder match? Really? Is Bill Goldberg booking Raw now? Because he's probably the only guy in the business who'll get a kick out of watching this. Projection? It's time for Sean Waltman to make his return to WWE. Specifically, it's time for Sean to drive a cherry picker to the ring, thus enabling Kevin Nash to retrieve the sledgehammer without having to climb a ladder. Then, Hunter gets the weapon away from Nash, sledgehammer Nash in the junk, and scores the victory. Hey, after seeing Nash and Hunter feud back in 2003, there's no way I'd book something like this without lots and lots and lots of gimmickry.

Mark Henry vs. Big Show (Chair Match - Smackdown World Title): Round Two of the battle between the World's Largest Athlete and the World's Strongest Champion. Projection? Show has Henry in trouble until Henry blocks the WMD punch with the Big Gold Belt. Then the World's Strongest Man chairshots Big Show like a government rule, until the ref stops the bout and awards the match to Henry.

C.M. Punk vs. Alberto Del Rio vs. Mike Mizanin (TLC Match - WWE Heavyweight Title): It looks like Alberto Del Rio is on his way back down the card. Punk vs. Miz has the potential to be a fun and interesting feud, and if it sets the table for the returning Mystery Man on January 2nd, so much the better. Projection? Del Rio and Miz are fighting it out at the top of the ladder, when Punk pushes the ladder over, and the rest is history. Punk keeps the championship.

Aftermath: Let's see. We can kick off 2012 with John Cena vs. Kane, the continuation of Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett, Sheamus taking over as Mark Henry's new challenger, C.M. Punk vs. The Miz, Cody Rhodes trying to regain the Intercontinental title from Booker T., the return of The Undertaker to face Triple H at WrestleMania 28, and the possible return of Chris Jericho. That seems like a winning formula to me.

***

Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He hosts the PWTorch Livecast on Wednesdays at 5:30 PM Eastern on BlogTalkRadio. Pat would take Baltimore and give the points against San Diego on Sunday Night Football. You know, if gambling were legal.

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