By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA Wrestling pay-per-view preview column!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Vince Russo, Eric Bischoff, Brother Love or anybody else in Carter Country. No TNA bookers have been harmed in the writing of this column. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Koogle Flavored Peanut Spread. Koogle comes in four delicious flavors: banana, chocolate, cinnamon and vanilla. And remember, four whammies brings tears to your eyes and puts you out of the game Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had control over Total Nonstop Action.

This is the final TNA pay-per-view of 2011. We've all followed the latest updates on the WWE Network, and there's a possibility that WWE will end up putting most of its pay-per-view shows

Before we talk about the matches, let's go on to this week's Wrestling History Lesson. Twenty years ago, on December 1991, World Championship Wrestling ran its annual "WCW Starrcade" pay-per-view at The Scope in Norfolk, Virginia. This was the debut of the "Battle Bowl" concept, a random draw tag team tournament. You'll note that "Battle Bowl" is not used today. The first random draw match was Michael "P.S." Hayes & Tracy Smothers vs. Marcus Bagwell & Jimmy Garvin. For the call of the action, let's go to Jim Ross, Tony Schiavone, Eric Bischoff, Magnum T.A., and Missy Hyatt's Enormous Hairdo.



Also, as a special bonus, here's the main event of this week's episode of TNA Xplosion. It's Samoa Joe taking on Douglas Williams.



Five years ago, at Turning Point 2006, TNA gave us the finals of the Paparazzi Championship Series. It was Senshi vs. Alex Shelley vs. Jay Lethal vs. Sonjay Dutt vs. Austin (Starr) Aries.



On with the projections!

Robbie E. (w/ Robbie T.) vs. Eric Young (TNA Television Title): What's worse? Is it the fact that TNA used Rob Van Dam as the setup guy for Eric Young's television title shot, or the fact that the maligned TNA creative team probably made the right call? Projection? This is an Eric Young match, and it's for the television title, which means Eric will want to get a television character to help him. Looking at the various options available at Universal Studios Orlando, I propose that Barney the purple dinosaur interferes to help E.Y. regain the TV strap.

Gail Kim vs. Mickey James (TNA Knockouts Title): In an amazing display of restraint, TNA waited almost two whole months to get to the battle between Gail Kim and former Knockouts champ Mickey James. Projection? Madison Rayne interferes, and Gail hangs on to the title. It's too soon to switch the title now. Really.

Rob Van Dam vs. Christopher Daniels: No, really. TNA had the stipulation match between Rob Van Dam and Christopher Daniels last month, and they're having the regular ol' wrestling match between the two men this month. Good work. Projection? Van Dam wins with the Van Terminator, so we can put an end to this feud.

James Storm vs. Kurt Angle: The storyline here is that Storm is angry with our Olympic Hero for costing him the TNA World Title. Of course, to buy that, you'd have to forget that Storm lost the title when Robert Roode turned heel on him, with Kurt Angle nowhere to be found. Angle cost Storm the rematch. Projection? Angle, the former gold medalist, needs to use the ropes for leverage to pin Storm.

Matt Morgan & Crimson vs. Brother Devon & Pope Dinero the First: Apparently, right before the taping of last night's episode of Impact, someone in creative said "Oh, crap! We forgot to turn The Pope heel!" That's why Pope corrupted Devon's kids and turned on the champs all in the same segment. Projection? Morgan pins Pope, Pope and Devon have a messy breakup, touching off a lengthy feud. And no one, not one single person, will give a rat's behind.

Austin Aries vs. Kid Kash (TNA X Division Title Match): Two things jump out at us. 1) This should be a fun match. 2) It'll be difficult to get the crowd involved unless they pick a wrestler to get behind. Projection? The crowd makes Kid Kash the de facto babyface, and Aries wins the match with a brainbuster.

Jeff Hardy vs. Jeff Jarrett (Steel Cage Match): Can TNA get one more main event out of Jeff Hardy on January 8th before Something Happens? The race is on. Projection? Hardy beats Jarrett in a long match (or, at least, as long as Jeff can go without blowing up.)

Bobby Roode vs. A.J. Styles (TNA World Title - 30 Minute Iron Man Match): It's unfortunate that the best years of A.J. Styles' career have been wasted in Orlando, but them's the breaks. Projection? Roode scores a fall with a few minutes left to tie the match at two falls each. A.J. very nearly puts Roode away, but the time limit expires.

Aftermath: Next month is Genesis 2012. Let's go with Bobby Roode vs. Jeff Hardy, James Storm vs. Kurt Angle in a no disqualification garbage match, and Garett Bischoff & Abyss vs. Scott Steiner & Bully Ray. One of those might be a joke.

***
Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He'd take Army to beat Navy this weekend, if gambling were legal. Drop him a line at patmcneill@live.com

We suggest these recent related articles...

McNEILL's Late Night Deadblog - WWE Night of Champions: Bucklebombs, Light-up Jackets, Poachers, IcoPro, Eddie, more!

Night of Gold: McNEILL Previews Night Of Champions 2015 (w/Wrestling History Lesson)

Double Duty: McNEILL previews ROH's All-Star Extravaganza VII pay-per-view!