By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of The King of Kings, Stephanie "Home Team" Levesque and WWE President "Cranky" Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because anything can happen in WWE, except for long-term storylines. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Dupont Lucite paint, now available in over one thousand fashionable colors for long-lasting beauty inside or outside your home. Remember, this is only an exhibition. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except the part where he borrows a time machine to go back and fix the last four months of WWE programming, which is what got us into this mess.

Finally, The Rock has come back to pay-per-view. This will be Dwayne Johnson's first pro wrestling match since WrestleMania XX, a show that also took place in Madison Square Garden. In case you haven't heard, The Rock will be John Cena's tag team partner this Sunday against The Miz & R-Truth, even though The Great One and Mr. Rise Above Hate don't especially like each other. This match is coming about because evil Raw Interim General Manager is forcing Rock and Cena to team together, in the hopes that they will...

...wait, that's not it. What happened is that The Miz & R-Truth found out The Rock was showing up at Survivor Series, and they challenged Rock and Cena to a tag match in the belief that Rock and Cena would...

...No, that's not it either. What really happened is that The Rock and John Cena were so upset about the beating that R-Truth and Miz laid upon fiery white meat babyface Zack Ryder a few weeks back that they agreed to put aside their petty differences and gain a measure of revenge against...

...no, that didn't happen. John Cena asked for Rock as a tag team partner so that Miz & R-Truth wouldn't have as much of an opportunity to beat up Rocky before the match. Rock agreed to team with Cena because his Twitter followers (allegedly) told him to do it. And, yes, it's a good thing that Rock's Twitter followers didn't tell him to jump off a bridge.

By the way, I love the idea of Kevin Nash and Sean Waltman resurrecting the New World Order with a new cast of characters. While we're at it, why don't we remake "The Blues Brothers" with Jonah Hill and Russell Brand? And why don't we remake "Charlie's Angels" with a new group of cream-filled cupcakes? Wait, that last one really happened? Huh.

It's time for this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson. Let us take you back to twenty years ago, when the main World Wrestling Federation storyline took place on the syndicated programs. On the November 16, 1991 episode of World Wrestling Federation Superstars, taped in Fort Wayne, Indiana, Hulk Hogan stopped in for an interview on Paul Bearer's Funeral Parlor. Guess who dropped by to greet the Hulkster? Your announcers are Vince McMahon, Roddy Piper & the late Randy Savage.



For those of you who are more interested in wrestling from 2011, let's give you the final segment from this week's episode of WWE NXT, as rookie sensation Titus O'Neil tangled with the dreadlocked demolition man, Tyler Reks.



Prematch footage from the 1996 Survivor Series. Check out this handsome guy. No, not Kevin Kelly.



Your announcers will probably be Michael Cole, Booker T and Jerry Lawler. Yes, I take this as a personal affront. On with the projections!

Dolph Ziggler vs. John Morrison (WWE United States Title): John Morrison is out of the WWE doghouse. Why? We don't know for sure, but he way have signed a new contract. Dolph Ziggler, for the second month in a row, gets to do double duty on pay-per-view. Projection? Swagger tries to interfere in the match, but Zack Ryder comes out to save the Shaman of Sexy, enabling Morrison to hit the Starship Pain and capture the United States title. This show's probably going to need a feelgood moment.

Beth Phoenix vs. Eve Torrez (WWE Divas Title - Lumberjill Match): This is our second straight month of Beth vs. Eve. The dynamic has changed, now that Alicia Fox has joined Kelly and Eve in their war against Pin-Up Strong. Projection? Beth and Natalya need a little help. Let's say that Tamina Snuka interferes to help Beth score the fall, and Tamina joins Beth & Natalya's movement.

Randy Orton, Sheamus, Kofi Kingston, Sin Cara & Mason Ryan vs. Wade Barrett, Cody Rhodes, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger & Hunico (Elimination Match): It's an official five-on-five Survivor Series bout, the same kind of match WWE brought us in 1987 for the first Survivor Series. Projection? Hmmm. Ryan and Swagger go to a double countout, Sin Cara pins Hunico. Cody Rhodes pins Kofi Kingston, Wade Barrett pins Sin Cara, Orton pins Rhodes, Sheamus pins Ziggler, and Barrett gets himself disqualified. Orton and Sheamus are your survivors.

Mark Henry vs. Big Show (Smackdown World Title): Round Two of the battle between the World's Largest Athlete and the World's Strongest Champion. Projection? Big Show tries to punch Henry outside the ring, but punches a ringpost instead. Henry capitalizes on Show's broken hand and hits the World's Strongest Slam for the win.

Alberto Del Rio vs. C.M. Punk (WWE Heavyweight Title): On our last big event, Alberto Del Rio cheated to hold on to the WWE title. This time, Miz and R-Truth have other plans, so Del Rio is going to need a Plan B. Projection? In this case, Plan B stands for Brodus Clay, who makes his long-awaited return and costs Punk the match. Del Rio needs to be a bigger challenge than he is right now, and Ricardo Rodriguez can't take a bullet for El Patron every week.

John Cena & The Rock vs. The Miz & R-Truth: We've had a lot of speculation lately about John Cena turning heel. This would involve, well, doing most of what John Cena does now, plus insulting his pre-teen and female demographic on top of it. But we're not there yet. Projection? After a lot of tension, Rock pins Truth with the Rock Bottom. Cena gets his revenge for WrestleMania by hitting the Attitude Adjustment on Rock after the match.

Aftermath: In my scenario, Cena turns heel at the Royal Rumble in January, which gives WWE a couple of months to find a new hero fans can get behind. (My money is on The Miz, believe it or not.) The next pay-per-view is Tables, Ladders and Chairs, which should give us Del Rio vs. Punk in a TLC match, Triple H vs. Kevin Nash in a tables match, and Mark Henry wearing out the returning Kane in a chairs match.

***

Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He hosts the PWTorch Livecast on Wednesdays at 5:30 PM Eastern on BlogTalkRadio. Pat would take the New York Giants and give the points against Philadelphia on Sunday Night Football. You know, if gambling were legal.

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