By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA Wrestling pay-per-view preview column!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Vince Russo, Eric Bischoff, Brother Love or anybody else in Carter Country. No TNA bookers have been harmed in the writing of this column. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of tanning lotion from Hawaiian Tropic. Natural tanning lotions and oils from Hawaiian Tropic, the tan of the islands. If you land on "Bankrupt", you lose your cash but not your prizes, 'cause once you buy a prize, it's yours to keep. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had control over Total Nonstop Action.

You have to feel sorry for Ring of Honor wrestling. Here they are, spending an entire year to build up a storyline where their top tag team (Davey Richards & Eddie Edwards) breaks up over the World Heavyweight Title. It seems so unnecessary, when TNA just showed everyone how to do the same storyline in four weeks. (Yes, that's sarcasm.)

Unlike WWE, TNA doesn't try to pretend that their B-level pay-per-views are worth ordering. This is why you get shows like Turning Point. We'll have decent wrestling, but there won't be a lot of storyline developments. Those will be saved for Impact on Thursday.

Before we talk about the matches, let's go on to this week's Wrestling History Lesson. Fifteen years ago, on November 11, 1996, World Championship Wrestling ran an episode of WCW Monday Nitro in St. Petersburg, Florida. Your WCW Nitro main event was The American Males vs. Meng & The Barbarian. Eric Bischoff, Mike Tenay and Bobby Heenan have the call. Stay tuned after the match, for what may have been the most disappointing overrun segment in the history of our sport.



Also, as a special bonus, here's the main event of last week's episode of TNA Xplosion. It's Brooke Tessmacher battling Madison Rayne.



Seven years ago, in November 2004, Jeff Hardy and Jeff Jarrett squared off in Nashville.



On with the projections!

Mexican America & Sarita vs. Ink, Inc. & Toxxin (TNA World Tag Team Titles): It's the same match as last month, except it should be even better, because the lovely ladies, Sarita and Toxxin, are in the mix. Projection? Toxxin pins Sarita after interference from Rosita backfires, and we have new TNA World Tag Team Champions. And maybe we'll get out of this feud before the end of 2011. Maybe.

Velvet Sky vs. Gail Kim (TNA Knockouts Title): Look, I like Velvet Sky just fine. Not as much as her boyfriend likes her, obviously, but I like her. But don't kid yourself. TNA can do much more with its Knockouts division with Gail Kim on top. Projection? Velvet fights through interference from Karen and Madison, but Gail scores the win with the Flying Dragon.

Rob Van Dam vs. Christopher Daniels (No Disqualification Match): It's a Rob Van Dam grudge match. In the words of the master, Dude. Whatever. Projection? Hopefully, Rob can still hit the Van Terminator and get the victory.

Crimson vs. Matt Morgan: Remember, this is a dream match. For someone. Projection? Matt Morgan knocks Crimson out with some sort of weapon to win the match, and turns himself heel. Frankly, once Crimson loses this undefeated gimmick, he'll be better off.

Mr. Anderson & Abyss vs. Bully Ray & Scott Steiner: We were in danger of having a pay-per-view without Ken Anderson on it. Thank goodness that didn't happen. Projection? Abyss pins Steiner after a Black Hole Slam. I'd nominate Bully Ray for a face term, except that TNA isn't loaded with top heels who can step up and fill the gap.

Eric Young vs. Robbie E. (TNA Television Title): I'm sorry. Didn't Robbie E just get pinned by Jersey Shore Ronnie on Impact? He gets the title shot? Projection? Young gives Lil' Robbie a wedgie or something and pins him. Please drive through.

Austin Aries vs. Jesse Sorensen vs. Kid Kash (TNA X Division Title Match): Austin Aries is in this championship match because he's a great wrestler. Kid Kash is in this championship match because's a great talker. Jesse Sorensen is in this championship match because Eric Bischoff thinks Jesse is pretty. Projection? Sorenson has Aries beat, but Kash breaks up the pin, then holds Jesse's legs so Aries can pin him. We're going to need Jesse to find a partner to face Aries and Kash, so Sorensen can only be one-quarter of the match.

Jeff Hardy vs. Jeff Jarrett: TNA has already brought Jeff Hardy back from semi-oblivion. Even though it doesn't look like he's a ratings draw anymore, the promotion might as well get some mileage out of him, just in case, you know, something happens with the Enigma in the coming months. Projection? Hardy beats Jarrett in a long match (or, at least, as long as Jeff can go without blowing up.)

Bobby Roode vs. A.J. Styles (TNA World Title): This match looked a lot better on paper before Styles injured his ankle on a house show last weekend. Projection? Roode "injures" Styles' ankle early in the match, and we get a mat-based contest. Styles goes for the Styles Clash, but his ankle gives out and Roode pins him.

Aftermath: Next month is Final Resolution. Let's go with Jesse Sorensen & Alex Shelley vs. Austin Aries & Kid Kash, Abyss vs. Jeff Jarrett and, yeah, Robert Roode vs. Jeff Hardy.

***
Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He'd take Stanford over Oregon tonight, if gambling were legal. Drop him a line at patmcneill@live.com

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