By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Welcome to couchside, where we are LIVE for WWE Vengeance, with me and the cats and my good friend Scott Stanford. How can I resist the temptation to flip channels and check out the World Series? Let's find out.

I prefer to look on the bright side. At least I didn't have to review the new John Cena movie.

The opening video has the feel of WCW opening videos from the year 2000. The theme is "We're going to TRY to explain this stuff in a way that makes sense, but if we can't do that, we'll make it look interesting." Seriously, why does Triple H need vengeance against Miz & Truth? Because they got him fired from a job he hated?

We're kicking the show off with the tag title match. It's Air Boom against Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger. Be sure to follow our coverage of tonight's show on Twitter by using the hashtag #SellYourWWEStockNow.

A serious question for our audience. Which announcers are worse? Michael Cole & Booker T, or Joe Buck & Tim McCarver? (calling the World Series on Fox)

Bourne gets the tag and starts kicking everybody. Wait, did Cole say that the US Title match is up next? The crowd is into the match, or are at least remembering they hate Vickie.

Now Bourne takes the heat. In case you haven't heard, Colt Cabana was doing a heel comedian gimmick at the Wrestling Revolution tapings. Do you think that character might have been based on Jerry Lawler?

Good little match. Apparently, Air Boom is trending on Twitter. That's important because...I'll get back to you on that one. Bourne hits the shooting star press and pins Ziggler. Hey, how about that? Zack Ryder is next.

Well, so much for that. Dolph wins the bout with a superkick. Did we really need two Dolph Ziggler matches? Ted DiBiase makes a cameo appearance, and then Punk and Hunter declare their undying mistrust for each other.

Michael Cole announces that making fun of Jim Ross is more important than covering a pay-per-view. Well, this particular pay-per-view. Kelly Kelly and Beth fought backstage before the show, so Kelly and Natalya are banned from the Divas title match.

It's Beth Phoenix vs. Eve. We've already had the return of the term "granny panties" to WWE, which means that someone's getting frustrated with his PG-rated promotion. Eve ties Beth to the ropes with Beth's own gear. (Never mind, it's tough to explain.) Eve's been studying her Brazilian Diva Jiu-Jitsu, and has Beth in trouble.

Eve misses the moonsault. Whoops. Beth wins with the Glam Slam.

Time for Matt Striker to interview Big Show. This ought to be good. "Big Show, are you prepared for tonight?" "Gee, Matt, I knocked out the hairy f---er Friday Night on Smackdown. I guess I'm ready."

"For the first time ever, get the inside story on the feud between Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels." Yeah, between the thousands of words written, the two men's autobiographies and the award-winning documentary of the Montreal incident, no one ever got to the bottom of that mess.

Sheamus vs. Christian. Lawler and Book are openly mocking Michael Cole on commentary. And apparently, Vince McMahon is openly mocking Lawler and Booker over the headsets. Hey, did you know that Sheamus will take two punches in order to deliver one? No? Maybe they'll mention it again.

Apparently, in order to understand the subtext of tonight's $55 WWE pay-per-view, you have to be following Jim Ross on Twitter, like Michael Cole and Vince McMahon are. Sweet merciful crap. I have an idea. Why don't we bring Josh Mathews out to call the show, and then Vince and Cole can respond to Ross on Twitter without involving the rest of us?

Booker T's term for Sheamus's punches "Irish Hand Grenade" is trending worldwide on Twitter. At least, I hope that's why it's trending worldwide on Twitter. I'd better check CNN.com. Sheamus wins with the brogue kick.

And now, we get a light comedic interlude with The Miz, R-Truth and Vicki Lawrence.

And now it's Miz & Truth vs. C.M. Punk & Poochie. Punk and Hunter are having some fun in the early minutes. Now Hunter's taking the heat, and that is an upset in and of itself. Jerry Lawler calls for "earmuffs" during Booker's commentary.

Cole: Many people question the ring shape of Triple H. McNeill: Not the people who like working for WWE.

Cole: Miz is cool. He was President of his fraternity. McNeill: Yeah, if there's one thing I learned from "Van Wilder", it's how cool fraternity guys are.

And Kevin Nash attacks Triple H, enabling Miz to pin C.M. Punk and win the match. Triple H is selling for Nash, the guy who just lost to Ricky Morton on a rinky-dink pay-per-view in central Virginia.

We now get to see Kevin Nash's attack on Triple H again in slow motion. Oh, wait. That's not slow motion. Booker T wins the night by doing his version of "Why, Kevin, Why?"

Backstage, Alberto Del Rio talks to some stooge. After that, we get our obligatory "Be A Star" public service message. Remember kids, don't be a bully. Vince McMahon hates competition.

It's time for Randy Orton against Cody Rhodes. This has a shot at being Match of the Night, due to how lackluster the rest of this show has been. Orton gets the advantage, and then Rhodes dominates the midpoint of that match. Booker says he's seen Cory Rhodes put away lots of guys with that kick he just used. Really, Booker? Name two.

Randy gets distracted by one of Cody's baggers (not a euphemism) allowing Cody to hit Cross Rhodes. But Orton kicked out. I wonder why fans don't take Cody seriously as a main eventer? Orton survives interference from the second bagger and gets the victory.

Hey, The Rock is wrestling at Survivor Series, which is the 24th Anniversary of the first Survivor Series! Mark Henry and Big Show are next. Smackdown World Heavyweight Champion Mark Henry is taking on all comers. Does anyone have Cain Velasquez on speed dial?

That video package contained some of the worst-written promo's I've ever heard. It's a good thing WWE isn't responsible for putting together movie dialogue. Oh, wait...

We just had another fabulous bit with Booker T starting to describe Mark Henry's big gold championship belt, then remembering he couldn't use the word "belt." We got some decent big man offense, and now it's time for Mark Henry to slow the pace.

By the way, if you're a Colts fan, and were thinking of flipping over to watch the football game, don't.

Show and Henry kick out of each other's finishers. Then Henry goes up to the top rope, but Show catches Henry and hits a chokeslam. Henry kicks out again. This is definitely the best Big Show vs. Mark Henry match ever.

Mark Henry superplexes Big Show, and the ring collapses. This is the same spot Show and Brock Lesnar did back in 2003, which definitely exceeds the statute of limitations. Show and Henry are both out. Here come Johnny Ace and Teddy Long to ringside. Yes, I'm going to keep calling him Johnny Ace. You would too, if you had to type "Laurinaitis" over and over.

There's a mob of people trying to move Henry and Big Show out of the ring, and the ring is broken. I guess we can't have the main event. Oh, well. Sorry, folks, park's closed. Moose out front should have told you.

Henry refuses help and struggles to the back. Interim General Manager and Executive Whatever Johnny Ace announces that the show must go on. Our Last Man Standing match is next.

Hey, Jerry Lawler, have you ever seen anything like this? Well, Cole, there was the night I fought the San Diego Chicken and...what's that? Sorry, Vince. No. Absolutely not.

Let's go, Cena. Cena sucks.

The announcers wonder why Cena and Del Rio started the match inside the (broken) ring. Nobody had a good answer for that one. Lawler wonders aloud if the broken ring constitutes an "unsafe work environment." Of course not, King. These guys are independent contractors.

This ring is "broken", but it still bounces when someone bumps on it. Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment, but El Patron makes it up at an eight count. Ricardo distracts Cena long enough for the champ to apply the sleeper. Cena survives, then throws Del Rio from the ring into the barricade.

The fight continues as the two men brawl to the back. Alberto turns the entire backstage interview set over on Cena. That should do it. Nope. Cena gets up. Back toward the ring. Ricardo interferes, allowing Del Rio to throw Cena through the entrance set. Cena puts Del Rio through a table. They're still getting up.

The finish should be them going into the crowd, and Cena being waylaid by a group of preteen girls and divorcees.

Nope. Cena gets beaten up and taken out by Miz and Truth. The referee forgets Del Rio long enough for Alberto to get to his feet. But Cena gets up. Again. Some more. Del Rio whacks Cena with the title belt. And that finally does it. Del Rio keeps the WWE championship. Booker and Lawler act like irate babyfaces. At last.

See you tomorrow, wrestling fans. Or you can subscribe to the Torch and check out the post-show roundtable, which we'll have posted about 90 minutes from now.

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