By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of The King of Kings, Stephanie "Home Team" Levesque and WWE President "Cranky" Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because anything can happen in WWE, except for long-term storylines. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive the Casio F91W digital watch. A tried and true style great for casual wear. You’ll never need to worry about missing an appointment again. Furnished by Casio. Remember, this is only an exhibition. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE.

I was on vacation last week, but I caught the last part of Smackdown, including the commercial for tonight's Vengeance show. Here's what I saw: Triple H, Triple H, Triple H, The Game, The King of Kings, Triple H. So, business as usual.

It's time for this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson. Let us take you back to twenty years ago, when a trip overseas meant a big televised card. On October 3, 1991, the World Wrestling Federation invaded Royal Albert Hall in London, England for a mega-event. And what better way to kick off a WWF card in 1991 than The Rockers (Shawn Michaels & Marty Jannetty) vs. The Nasty Boys (Brian Knobs & Jerry Sags)?




For those of you who are more interested in wrestling from 2011, let's give you the final segment from this week's episode of Friday Night Smackdown, as WWE Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio squared off with former champion The Big Show. By the way, is that supposed to be a cross armbreaker? And why on earth would you show a closeup of Del Rio failing to get a good grip on the massive meathooks of Paul Wight?



Also, we have the footage of Big Show's first pay-per-view match. Well, sort of.



Your announcers will probably be Michael Cole, Booker T and Jerry Lawler. Why? Because WWE hates its fans. On with the projections!

Kofi Kingston & Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger & Dolph Ziggler (WWE Tag Team Titles): Air Boom is still working together, even though young Evan Bourne has gone through some minor injuries. Projection? Swagger pins Bourne after interference from Vickie Guerrero, and we have new WWE Tag Team Champions. And then the writers can get around to breaking up Ziggler and Swagger, which they were trying to do before Ziggler and Swagger ever teamed together.

Cody Rhodes vs. Randy Orton: This feud is based around Randy Orton accidentally opening up Cody Rhodes like a hot knife through butter. That won't happen here. Projection? Orton beats Rhodes with the RKO and wins the Intercontinental Title. Wait...what? Not a title match? Aw, crap. See, this is why I can't take a week off. Don't worry, Wade, I went back and edited it.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Zach Ryder (WWE United States Title): It's the Internet Champion against the United States Champion. Ziggler is a future main eventer (believe it or not) and needs to be protected. Long Island Iced Z is not in the same category. Projection? The Dolph escapes the RoughRyder and hits the Zig Zag to keep his title.

Beth Phoenix vs. Eve (WWE Divas Title): I guess we all needed a break from the Beth Phoenix vs. Kelly Kelly feud. Projection? Beth pins Eve with the Glam Slam. Kelly Kelly saves Eve from a postmatch attack by Beth & Natalya.

Sheamus vs. Christian: Are we still setting the table for another round of Sheamus vs. Mark Henry matches? We are? Projection? Just checking. Sheamus wins with the Celtic Cross.

Triple H & C.M. Punk vs. The Miz & R-Truth: Could somebody explain to me why Poochie, I mean, Triple H needs "vengeance" against The Miz & R-Truth? And since we've learned (again) that Punk vs. Truth & Miz is an even match. Projection? Punk takes the heat for fifteen minutes, Hunter gets the hot tag and pins R-Truth after a pedigree.

Mark Henry vs. Big Show (Smackdown World Title): Mark Henry was on a roll, but now the World's Strongest Champ keeps getting knocked out by the World's Largest Wrestler. Projection? Big Show has Henry cornered, but accidentally punches out referee Scott Armstrong and gets disqualified. Yeah, they can't all be winners.

Alberto Del Rio vs. John Cena (WWE Heavyweight Title - Last Man Standing): The major titles in WWE change hands too often. Obviously, Del Rio needs the victory. Projection? Del Rio beats the ten count and wins after The Miz and R-Truth come out and tie Cena's shoelaces together. Or, Truth and Miz beat the crap out of Cena so he can't get up. One or the other.

Aftermath: Tomorrow night on Raw, Josh Mathews interviews Triple H, Triple H tells Josh that he has to leave Raw, because his planet needs him. At the end of Raw, Michael Cole informs us that Triple H died on the way back to his home planet. Hey, sometimes you've gotta be cruel to be kind.

Then we go to Survivor Series, where The Rock captains a team against a team captained by John Cena in a ten-man tag team match, because who wants to see The Rock and John Cena team together? Let's say Rock, Orton, Sheamus, Truth & Miz vs. Cena, Kofi, Punk, Dolph & Swagger.

***

Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He hosts the PWTorch Livecast on Wednesdays at 5:30 PM Eastern on BlogTalkRadio. Pat would take New Orleans and give the points tonight against Indianapolis on Sunday Night Football. You know, if gambling were legal.

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