By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA Wrestling pay-per-view preview column!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Vince Russo, Eric Bischoff, Brother Love or anybody else in Carter Country. No TNA bookers have been harmed in the writing of this column. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a Ronco Pocket Fisherman Spin Casting Outfit, the famous fishing pal that has thrilled generations. Ronco Pocket Fisherman: It's always ready for the fish to strike. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had control over Total Nonstop Action.

We've definitely had some change in Total Nonstop Action as of late. Former WWE Talent Relations Guy Brice Prichard is now overseeing TNA's creative team. To the shock of one, well, no one, TNA Impact is a better television show when Mr. Vince Russo has more, um, guidance.

That's the good news. The incredibly silly news is TNA extending the contract of Hulk Hogan. Think about this for a second. Hulk Hogan has been in TNA for about two years, and hasn't made any difference in the television ratings or pay-per-view buyrates. It is possible that Hogan has made it easier for TNA to sell its television rights overseas, but we don't have those figures. So, instead of renegotiating a new deal with the Immortal Huckster, TNA rolled over his current deal, as if they wanted to make sure Hogan wouldn't jump back to WWE. (Although, with the state Vince McMahon is in, I can't rule out that possibility.)

Hogan rewarded TNA's good faith by making the rounds this week. At the "Hogan and Friends" stage show, Hulk let it be known that he isn't physically able to wrestle, and that he won't be taking any bumps during his "fight" with Sting on Sunday. So, after a two-year build for Sting vs. Hogan in TNA, there's no match. And unless they've found a great stunt double for Hulk, he's going to have a rough time selling for Sting. On the bright side, it's not as though all the advertising for Sunday's show is centered around Sting and Hogan. Oh, wait...

Before we talk about the matches, let's go on to this week's Wrestling History Lesson. Twenty years ago, on October 26, 1991, World Championship Wrestling held Halloween Havoc 1991 in Chattanooga, Tennessee. The opening bout was the first (and last) Chamber of Horrors cage match. There were some problems with the buildup, as the participants in the match kept changing, and the rules of the match weren't fully explained until the pay-per-view went on the air. It was Sting, The Steiner Brothers & El Gigante against Vader, Cactus Jack, Abdullah the Butcher & "Diamond Studd" Scott Hall. Jim Ross and Tony Schiavone have the call.




Also, as a special bonus, here's the main event of last week's episode of TNA Xplosion. It's Alex Shelley stepping in against Gunner.



Five years ago, at TNA Bound For Glory 2006, Chris Sabin took on Kaval, I mean Low-Ki, I mean Senshi.



On with the projections!

Mexican America vs. Ink, Inc. (TNA World Tag Team Titles): This match will air on the TNA Facebook page, because that's how UFC handles its dark matches. I know that TNA has improved its storytelling, but they still have a ways to go. Don't believe me? Try explaining this feud to a non-wrestling fan. Go ahead, I'll wait. Projection? Hernandez pins Jesse Neal after Jesse is distracted by Rosita & Sarita.

Crimson vs. Matt Morgan vs. Samoa Joe: We wrasslin' intellectuals call this a "Thomas Hobbes" match, because it's going to be poor, nasty, brutish and short. (* Rimshot! *) Thank yew! You've been a wonderful audience. Be sure to try the smoked gruyere. Projection? Matt Morgan pins Joe after a Carbon Footprint, so Crimson can continue losing without...losing.

Winter vs. Mickie James vs. Velvet Sky vs. Madison Rayne (TNA Knockouts Title): Yes, many male professional wrestling fans are heartbroken over the news that "Hardcore Country" Mickie James is romantically linked with Impact wrestler Eric Magnus (or whatever his name is now). No, I don't know if Winter's seeing anybody. Oh, the match! Projection? Winter gets surprised by The Long Kiss Goodnight, and Mickie goes on to promote another country album.

Austin Aries vs. Brian Kendrick (TNA X Division Title Match): We should put a bullet in this feud. The only way TNA is going to get an entertaining promo out of Brian Kendrick is if they lock him in a room with a video camera, a green screen, Paul London and a box of wonder joints. (Editor's Note: Mr. McNeill is referencing an old comedy movie (NSFW). PWTorch.com does not endorse the use or abuse of any illegal or prescription narcotics, barbituates or stuimulants. Just say no!) Projection? Aries hits the brainbuster and successfully defends the X Division title, and the less said about that the better.

A.J. Styles vs. Christopher Daniels (I Quit Match): Let me get this straight. TNA has spent several weeks building up a grudge match between A.J. Styles and Christopher Daniels. Styles and Daniels have known each other forever, and can probably put together a good match in their sleep. So the plan is to...have them trade submission holds? Okay. Projection? For continuity's sake, Styles uses a fork to Daniels' eye to get the Fallen Angel to give up. Daniels will probably be back in a couple of weeks to agitate everyone.

Mr. Anderson vs. Bully Ray (Falls Count Anywhere): Hey, a hardcore match in Philadelphia. Go figure. Projection? Bully pushes Anderson down a flight of stars and runs him over with a zamboni for the victory. Better yet, can we have Bully Ray hit Anderson in the throat, causing him to be unable to speak for several weeks? I can't speak for anyone else, but that would greatly improve my enjoyment of TNA Impact Wrestling.

Rob Van Dam vs. Jerry Lynn (Full Metal Mayhem): Former ECW Champions Rob Van Dam and Jerry Lynn hate each other, so they're going to settle this by jumping off ladders onto each other. Fighting has sure changed since I was a kid.Projection? Lynn uses pepper spray on Van Dam and piledrives RVD through a table for the win. TNA really needs something for Van Dam to do over the next few months. Why not Jerry Lynn?

Sting fights Hulk Hogan: So, after nearly two years of building to Sting vs. Hulk Hogan in Total Nonstop Action, there's not going to be a wrestling match, because Hulk Hogan isn't medically cleared to wrestle and can't bump. I know, I already wrote that, but it's still staggering. Anyway, if Sting wins this "fight" with Hogan, Dixie Carter gets storyline control of TNA again, although no one's explained why that's a good thing. Projection? They could do a pretaped fight, but they won't. So we'll need some more moving parts. Let's have outside interference from Eric Bischoff, Jeff Hardy, Gunner, Abyss, Karen Jarrett, Dixie Carter, Jennifer Hogan, Traci Brooks, Jeff Jarrett, Serg Salinas, Philadelphia's own "Smokin'" Joe Frazier, and the Temple University Diamond Marching Band (under the direction of Dr. Michael Brunner.) Then the lights go out. When they come back on, we see that Sting has "knocked out" Hogan with a baseball bat to win the match.

Kurt Angle vs. Bobby Roode (TNA World Title): You have to admit, TNA has done a fine job of building up Bobby Roode as a potential World Champion, and as a family man that the folks at home can identify with. TNA has threatened to break Roode out as a main eventer for the past seven years. The current champion, Kurt Angle, is working through injuries again, some more. It's time for a change. Projection? Roode and Angle kick out of each other's finishers before Roode makes Angle tap to the Fujiwara armbar in the middle of the ring to become the new TNA Champion. Angle shakes hands with Roode after the match. Then Angle takes a few months off to heal. Use a straitjacket if necessary.

Aftermath: Next month is Turning Point. Assuming Angle takes time off, you have Bobby Roode vs. Bully Ray, Jeff Hardy vs. Jeff Jarrett and A.J. Styles vs. Kid Kash. Wouldn't that be something?

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He's on vacation. Really. Drop him a line at patmcneill@live.com

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