By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Welcome to couchside, where we are LIVE for WWE Hell In A Cell, with a half-eaten dinner beside me and Jack Karpela in front of me. Since this is not being done by text message, we can do more than 140 characters at a time. I'm aiming for sentences, maybe even paragraphs.

My first observation? Hooray for Jim Ross being on the show. It's about time.

Here's the intro video. The Cell is talking to us. Wonderful.

Yes, the wife is watching Magnum P.I. Season 2 on the other television. You keep a happy marriage your way, and I'll keep one my way.

Sheamus vs. Christian is our opening bout, and The Miz & R-Truth make their way to their ringside seats. R-Truth is hearing a "We Hate Cena" shirt. That's not cool. He's an Anti-Cenite. And here comes John Laurinaitis with security to boot them out.

Remember, fans, you can follow this show on Twitter by using the hashtag #NoThanksIHaveAFreakingLife.

Having looked at the lineup, I have a suggestion for Sheamus and Christian. Go long, fellas. Stretch it out. Christian pushes Sheamus from the top turnbuckle to the floor, and the Pale Rider is in some trouble.

Booker informs us that Christian needs to look out for the "Irish Hand Grenade." I don't know what that means. Maybe Sheamus will just, ahem, potato him. Cole recaps Christian's argument with Triple H from Raw. Jim Ross points out how stupid it was for Triple H to punish Christian by giving him two main event matches and a slot on the pay-per-view.

Christian hits a sweet tornado DDT, but I was distracted by both Ross and Booker butchering the word "lackadaisical." Alright, now Sheamus is teasing his finisher. Nope, Christian takes Sheamus to the floor. Christian almost gets the win with the spear.

And Sheamus hits the brogue kick for the win. Good opener. I wish I could type fast enough to transcribe Booker's call of the replay.

We're backstage with Matt Striker, who will try to interview Mark Henry. Mark wants Matt to shut up. Mark does an awesome promo, again.

It's time for Good Sin Cara vs. Evil Sin Cara. Michael Cole calls this a "bizarre yet interesting" rivalry. I'm not sure it qualifies as either. They should have distinguished between these two more by having Evil Sin Cara come out to entrance music from Abba.

Good Sin Cara misses an Asai Moonsault (that's not good) and Evil Sin Cara hits the chinlock. Evil Sin Cara went through FCW, so he's the one who knows how to work. Now I'm curious as to how WWE plans to fill the next couple of hours. Is Hornswoggle coming out later to recite the collected works of Langston Hughes?

Good Sin Cara hits the Code Azul for the pinfall victory, sparing us all more of Michael Cole making fun of Jim Ross's Spanish pronunciations. Cole implies that this feud is over. Great. Nice work, Vince!

We go backstage, where C.M. Punk is not interested in joining David Otunga's class action suit against Triple H. Air Boom is next!

It's Air Boom vs. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger for the tag team titles. Well, this is definitely an improvement over having Hornswoggle read poetry. Bourne and Kingston are wearing matching outfits. The "Boom" armbands may be a little much.

That was a dandy little match, culminating with Bourne hitting a rana on Dolph for the victory. We've had three babyface wins in the first hour, which makes you wonder what's coming in our two Cell matches.

Triple H is "Inside Out" on DVD.

Mark Henry vs. Randy Orton is next. The video package for this match was top-notch. I can't believe I'm looking forward to a Mark Henry match. Jim Ross puts over how good the first Hell In A Cell match was in 1997. He's not lying. Go watch it if you don't believe me.

Randy Orton is 31 years old. According to Michael Cole, Orton is going for his tenth world title. And the next WWE pay-per-view is in three weeks. Shoot me now.

Mark Henry's offense looks kind of snug. Much like the way Randy Orton described it in that radio interview a couple of months ago. You all realize that if Orton had said how much he loved working with Mark Henry, Henry wouldn't have been in spitting distance of a title shot at this point, right?

Mark Henry throws the steps at Orton, misses, and the stairs go into the cell wall. And since the cell wall held, that part's not gimmicked. I don't want to rain on WWE's PG parade, but this match would be a lot better if Orton had already done a two-alarm bladejob.

Henry's got Randy in the bearhug while Booker explains to us that once you have the World Heavyweight Title, you don't ever want to lose it. No, really. He actually said that. Randy Orton hits a Thesz press, and the crowd is totally behind him.

Orton hits the RKO, and Henry kicks out. Instead of trying another RKO (a fine suggestion from Ross and Booker), Randy takes forever setting up the soccer kick, and Henry catches him with the World's Strongest Slam for the win. Henry tries to Pillmanize Randy's ankle, but Randy escapes and catches Big Mark with some good solid PG chairshots. Henry's not the new Kenta Kobashi, but this worked. It worked better if you got to see Orton's anguished facial expression after Henry's kickout.

Josh Mathews is way too excited about talking to Alberto Del Rio. Alberto complains about how unfair the triple threat Cell match is, but vows to win it anyway. That sounds about right. Rey Mysterio hypes the Light Strike laser tag guns. The announcer wins points with me by saying "Rey Mysterio not included."

Don't forget to follow tonight's show on Twitter by using the hashtag #ShutTheFUpMichaelCole.

WWE Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes comes to the ring to remind us all to bag our faces. Oh, look! Cody went to Wildcat Belts and bought himself a replica of the old Intercontinental Title strap. The crowd actually cheers for this. Cody volunteers to defend his belt any time, any place...

...and here comes John Laurinaitis to announce that Cody is defending the title right now against John Morrison. How about that?

Cody responds to this by smashing Morrison upside the head with his new belt, then kicking the referee in the nards when he tries to stop Cody. Cody gets himself disqualified and leaves with his title. Oh, wait. That's not what happens. Cody, instead, has to wrestle in his suit.

Cole suggests that Cody split and let himself get counted out. Cody actually gives it a try, but Morrison is able to bring Rhodes back into the ring. Nice backflip armdrag by Morrison. And this is the point where Cody should cheat to win...

...except that Morrison misses the springboard kick and Cody wins clean. That's right, I forgot how much WWE is trying to bury Morrison. Oh, well.

Triple H starts to chew out John Laurinaitis until Laurinaitis tells him that R-Truth and Miz are loose in the locker room. Triple H runs in and helps security toss out the reprobates, then threatens to fire Laurinaitis for not hiring real cops to provide security for the show. Does that fall under the purvey of Talent Relations? Just curious.

It's time for Kelly Kelly defending the Divas title against Beth Phoenix. But not before we have a surreal exchange at the announce table, with Michael Cole stating that the company is "imploding." You don't say?

Well, this match is going surprisingly long. Natalya beats up Eve Torres on the outside, so Kelly has no backup. Natalya then takes the mic and taunts Kelly, and finally Beth wins with the Glam Slam. Yay! We have a new women's...um, ladies...um, Divas champion. This is Beth's first run as Divas champion, and she is overcome with emotion.

On behalf of WWE, we'd like to thank everyone watching tonight, whether it's in Great Britain, or Austria, or on an illegal stream.

WWE Creative rips off a seventeen year old movie to provide a trailer for the "Vengeance" pay-per-view. Now it's time for the main event, starting with a video package. How long can Alberto Del Rio wrestle before the universe crumples upon itself?

Justin Roberts provides the ring introductions. Michael Cole actually says that this triple threat match proves that Triple H is biased in favor of C.M. Punk. Oh, brother. Also, could somebody contact Michael Cole on Twitter and explain to him the difference between "square feet" and "cubic feet?" That would be grand. There's the bell!

"Let's go, Cena! C.M. Punk!" Ouch. Punk has a nasty gash on the left side of his back. A good match so far, but nobody's expecting it to end this early. Ricardo Rodriguez is hanging around ringside. Del Rio stacks Punk on Cena and hits a top rope senton on both of them. Actually, the word "hits" might have been generous there.

Del Rio manages to put Punk through a table. At the same time, Ricardo produces a lead pipe and knocks out the outside referee. Rodriguez steals the referee's keys and opens the Cell. Ricardo runs in and passes the lead pipe to Del Rio, but Cena gets Ricardo, carries him out of the cage, and hits the Attitude Adjustment. When Cena tries to go back into the Cell, Del Rio hits Cena with the lead pipe and pushes Cena out of the Cell. Del Rio then locks the Cell from the inside, locking Cena out. Everybody follow all that?

Punk kicks out of a bunch of stuff, but Del Rio whacks Punk with the pipe a couple of times, and that's it. Del Rio regains the WWE Title. The moment the match ends, the Cell goes up. Cena charges in and goes after Del Rio. But two guys with black hoods come in with baseball bats and beat up Cena. Yes, it's Miz and R-Truth. The Cell is lowered again, and Miz and R-Truth go to town on Cena, Punk, the ref, the cameramen, the popcorn vendors...

...Eventually, the cops come to ringside. Eventually, the cops get the Cell door open, at which point Miz and R-Truth drop their bats and surrender to the police. Miz and R-Truth get cuffed and perp walked down the aisle, but Triple H jumps on Miz and R-Truth and beats them up. John Laurinaitis tries to pull Hunter off of Miz and Truth, but Hunter throws Johnny off him. Security manages to pull Hunter off the heels and the police finally remove Miz and R-Truth up the rampway. Everybody follow all that?

Good. You'll be tested on it tomorrow night, when Raw comes on the air. Drive safely, everybody!

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