MCNEILL'S TAKE It's Alright, Ma, I'm Only Bleeding: McNEILL Previews WWE Hell In A Cell 2011!
Oct 2, 2011 - 5:37:39 PM
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By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist
Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Triple H, Stephanie "Home Team" Levesque and WWE President "Cranky" Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because anything can happen in WWE, except for long-term storylines. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Closed captioning provided by Nestlé Crunch, a unique combination of smooth Nestlé chocolate and crisped rice. Pat McNeill's wardrobe is supplied by "Botany 500". Remember, this is only an exhibition. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for the part where he cries himself to sleep.
Really? Another WWE pay-per-view? Fantastic. It seems like only a couple of weeks ago we had both major WWE titles change hands at Night of Champions when...What's that? It WAS only a couple of weeks ago? Right. We're mailing this one in, wrestling fans.
It's time for this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson. Let us take you back to thirteen years ago, when Hell in a Cell meant blood and guts and people taking suicidal bumps to keep themselves from being moved down the card. On June 15, 1998, the second ever Hell in a Cell match took place in San Antonio, Texas on an episode of Monday Night Raw. Why, yes, Vince Russo was head writer for WWE at the time. How did you guess? Anyway, here's "Stone Cold" Steve Austin & The Undertaker in a rare Marvel Team-Up as they took on Mankind & Kane inside the cell.
For those of you who are more interested in wrestling from 2011, let's give you the opening segment from this week's episode of Friday Night Smackdown, as World Heavyweight Champion Mark Henry is interviewed by everyone's favorite broadcast journalist, Booker T.
Also, we have the footage of Paul Levesque's first WCW television match, which aired on TBS on February 12, 1994. For those of you who think I no-sell jokes, check out the five-star job Tony Schiavone does no-selling color commentator Bobby Heenan.
Your announcers should be Michael Cole, Booker T and Jerry Lawler Should Be Looking For A Good Workman's Comp Attorney. I give two to one odds on Michael Cole working the line "Rectum? Damn near killed him!" into the commentary somehow.
On with the projections!
Yes, there should be more than five matches on this pay-per-view. Last year's Hell In A Cell show had six matches. And, believe it or not, we only have two matches from Raw. Best guess is that the sixth match will be Dolph Ziggler successfully defending the United States title against John Morrison.
Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix (WWE Divas Title): We're still doing this feud, huh? Well, the matches have been pretty good. Here's your fun fact for the weekend. Kelly Kelly won the Divas Title back on June 20th. In that space, the WWE Heavyweight Title has changed hands five times. Somebody's priorities are messed up. Projection? Beth Phoenix catches Kelly with the Glam Slam to win her first Divas title. (Yes, she won the Women's Championship before, but not the Divas title. Yes, I've wasted my life.)
Sin Cara vs. Mirror Universe Sin Cara: Actually, the more I think about it, the more I like the idea of a WWE Mirror Universe, a place where C.M. Punk is a humble, kid-friendly babyface, John Cena wears all-black outfits, and Vince McMahon is retired in Florida, going fishing twice a week, and taking long walks on the beach with his wife. Projection? I have no idea. Let's say that Good Sin Cara picks up the victory with the tilt-a-whirl DDT, and that WWE writers cull through every "evil twin" comic book storyline in the thirty years to come up with enough material to take this battle through to WrestleMania. Assuming, of course, that Mistico lasts that long.
Sheamus vs. Christian: You know how I can tell that Vince McMahon like Sheamus? Because Sheamus has been getting all the dick jokes and poop jokes normally reserved for John Cena. Those are WWE's equivalent of the Glengarry leads. Projection? Which of these two wrestlers would have an easier time recovering from a loss? Yeah, that'd be Christian. Sheamus wins with the Celtic Cross.
Mark Henry vs. Randy Orton (Smackdown World Title - Hell In A Cell): Mark Henry wins the Smackdown title, and Smackdown gets its highest rating in the year. Either Henry's over, or people just couldn't believe he had won a major title and had to see for themselves. Projection? Henry crushes Orton against a ringpost and scores another clean victory over the Viper. Orton gets a few weeks off.
John Cena vs. C.M. Punk vs. Alberto Del Rio (WWE Heavyweight Title - Hell In A Cell): This is our first Triple Threat Hell In A Cell match, despite the fact we've already had a six-way Hell in A Cell match. I've heard the suggestion that Kevin Nash will be hiding under the ring, and will pop out to interfere in the match? Really? You're going to take a 7 foot, 52 year old man with two bad knees and stick him under the ring for a few hours? No matter what I've said about Nash, I'm pretty sure he's smart enough to shoot down that idea. Projection? Cena pins Del Rio with the Attitude Adjustment to keep the title. Then we cut to backstage, where Kevin Nash, R-Truth, The Miz and a man wearing a black mask and trenchcoat are beating the crap out of Triple H.
Aftermath: Our next pay-per-view is Vengeance, in three weeks. Let's go with Mark Henry defending the Smackdown title against the returning Big Show (Yeah, I know.) and Triple H, Cena & Punk against Nash, R-Truth & Miz in a six-man tag.
Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He hosts the PWTorch Livecast on Wednesdays at 5:30 PM Eastern on BlogTalkRadio. Pat would take Nebraska to beat Wisconsin tonight in college football. You know, if gambling were legal.
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