By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Triple H, Stephanie "Home Team" McMahon and WWE President Verne Gag...I mean, Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because anything can happen in WWE, except for a show getting booked more than 24 hours in advance. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Mr. Turkey brand deli meats. Fat free cuts of delicious bologna, salami and ham, furnished by Sara Lee. Pat McNeill's wardrobe is provided by "Mr. Guy of Beverly Hills". Remember, this is only an exhibition. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for the part where he gives Kevin Nash his own exercise show on WWE Network.

Welcome to Night of Champions weekend, where all six WWE titles will be defended, and nobody cares. Would you like to know why people don't care about this show? It all started yesterday when WWE let everyone know that The Rock will be wrestling at Survivor Series. WWE also took the unprecedented step of telling us that The Rock and John Cena will be on the same team for a five-on-five Survivor Series. This begs a number of questions:

- Why would John Cena & The Rock agree to be on the same team? Last time I checked, they hated each other.
- If John Cena and The Rock are on one team, where is WWE going to find the five heels for the opposing team? You pretty much need Triple H to turn heel at that point, don't you?
- How can WWE have its main event booked for Survivor Series, and its main event booked for WrestleMania, and not have Raw booked for Monday night? (Okay, I think we all know the answer to that one.)

By the way, I don't think this is Vince McMahon's real Twitter account. (Not Safe For Work. Heck, it's Not Safe For Anywhere.)

It's time for this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson. Let us take you back to fifteen years ago, when the World Wrestling Federation was trying to compete with World Championship Wrestling. Vince McMahon decided to move his syndicated "WWF Superstars" program to USA Network on Sundays at noon. The first episode of WWF Superstars on USA took place on September 22, 1996, and it was sort of a pregame show for that night's "WWF In Your House: Mind Games" pay-per-view. Jim Ross and the late Curt Hennig had the call, as Savio Vega battled Vader in the Superstars main event.



For those of you who are more interested in wrestling from 2011, here's the closing segment of Smackdown, with Edge hosting the verbal debate between Smackdown World Champion Randy Orton and challenger Mark Henry.



And, if you just can't wait to preview the most electrifying matchup in sports entertainment, here you go:



Your announcers should be Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and Booker T. On with the projections!

Cody Rhodes vs. Ted DiBiase (WWE Intercontinental Title): A good matchup on paper between two former tag team partners turned mortal enemies. Normally, this would be a good spot for a title change, but here there's one catch. A title change would involve Ted DiBiase winning a wrestling match. Projection? Cody gets the win with the Cross Rhodes, but DiBiase stops Cody from bagging his face.

Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix (WWE Divas Title): Well, everyone's counting on Beth Phoenix ending up with the Divas belt. Which means WWE can go against the grain for a little while longer. Projection? This time, Kelly scores the victory with the K-2, foiling the Divas of Doom yet again.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Alex Riley vs. John Morrison vs. Jack Swagger (WWE United States Title - Fatal Four Way Match): The subtext here, inasmuch as we have one, is that Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler are both fighting for the attention of manager Vickie Guerrero. Projection? Ziggler "accidentally" knocks out Swagger with the championship belt, and Riley pins Swagger to become the new United States champion. Which, of course, only intensifies the feud between Dolph and Jack.

Air Boom vs. Awesome Truth (WWE Tag Team Titles): We have an actual feud between two actual tag teams! I'm so excited, I can barely contain myself! But while I'd love to see Kingston and Bourne receive an actual push, it's time we return to the natural order of things. Projection? R-Truth pins Bourne with the Lie Detector, and we have new WWE tag team champions.

Randy Orton vs. Mark Henry (Smackdown World Title): I don't want to say that WWE is booking stuff on the fly, but Mark Henry isn't even advertised for the Hell in a Cell show in two weeks. You know what? WWE is going to have to change the advertising in New Orleans. Projection? Henry hits the World's Strongest Slam and captures the Smackdown World Heavyweight Title. Henry's push is probably the best thing happening on Smackdown. Why not roll with it?

Alberto Del Rio vs. John Cena (WWE Heavyweight Title): Our new WWE champion has held the belt for what, five weeks now? Yeah, that's a lengthy title reign in 2011, but it's too soon to take the title from the Mexican aristocrat. Projection? Del Rio goes to get himself counted out on purpose. Cena gives Del Rio and Rodriguez a good thrashing on the entrance set, but can't bring him back in the ring in time, and we end in a double countout. Yes, that's a rotten finish, but it does set up the inevitable rematch.

C.M. Punk vs. Triple H: It's been entertaining watching Mr. Punk and Mr. Helmsley play "the dozens" every week on WWE television, but it hasn't done much to help build up this match. The stipulation that Hunter loses his COO job if he loses the match doesn't make much sense, unless WWE plans to follow through on it this Sunday. No, wait. It still doesn't make a lot of sense. But, let's go with the flow. Projection? A lengthy back-and-forth match takes place, until Hunter knocks Punk out with his sledgehammer. At that point, Hunter is attacked by Kevin Nash, R-Truth, The Miz and Johnny "Ace" Laurinaitis. After Hunter gets the crap beaten out of him, Punk rolls on top of Hunter for the victory. Then, Team Awesome Truth gives Punk a matching beating, and the show ends with Punk and Hunter doing stretcher jobs.

Aftermath: Our next pay-per-view is Hell in a Cell. In two weeks. It's a good thing WWE has been planning ahead for...oh, wait. If we must have two Cell matches on the show, Henry should say that the only way he'll give Orton a rematch is...in a Hell in the Cell. Meanwhile, Teddy Long (or whoever) puts Del Rio-Cena II inside the Cell to prevent Alberto from running away.

Then, on the October 23rd pay-per-view, WWE could have C.M. Punk & Triple H return to seek their...um...vengeance against R-Truth & The Miz. Kevin Nash can be in the Awesome Truth corner, and Shawn Michaels can be in the corner of C.M. and H.H.H. But that...is another story.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He cohosts the PWTorch Livecast on Wednesdays. Pat will join Wade Keller and Bruce Mitchell on the Torch VIP Roundtable after "Night of Champions" late Sunday night, where he will try not to sing the Clemson University Alma Mater.

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