By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA Wrestling pay-per-view preview column!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Vince Russo, Eric Bischoff, Brother Love or anybody else in Carter Country. No TNA bookers have been harmed in the writing of this column. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Lee Press-On Nails. They press on in seconds. No glue, no mess. In natural and glamour lengths. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had control over Total Nonstop Action.

You might be wondering, as Torch assistant editor James Caldwell often does, what TNA could do to increase the number of people who will order tomorrow night's "No Surrender" pay-per-view. Well, here's my idea. We all know how much TNA enjoys playing off of real-life situations. Why not bring in an off-duty Florida state trooper and have him officiate as TNA World Champion Kurt Angle and former TNA World Champion Jeff Hardy square off in the first ever TNA Wrestling Surprise Field Sobriety Test? I think you'd get a few extra buys out of watching the two big stars stand on one leg, recite the alphabet backwards, and then walk in a straight line. If there's time left over, conduct field sobriety tests on Dixie Carter and everyone else who works out of TNA's Nashville office.

By the way, why IS Kurt Angle still driving himself? Shouldn't TNA have hired a Pittsburgh indy wrestler by now to get Kurt to all the TNA house shows? That way, Kurt could be in the backseat, catching up on some much needed sleep.

Before you talk about the matches, let's go on to this week's Wrestling History Lesson. Fifteen years ago, on September 5, 1991, World Championship Wrestling held Clash of the Champions XVI in Augusta, Georgia. This thrilling event kicked off with a 15 man "Georgia Brawl" battle royal. Jim Ross and Tony Schiavone have the call. See if you recognize any of these curtain jerkers.




Also, as a special bonus, here's the main event of last week's episode of TNA Xplosion. It's Frankie Kazarian taking on "The Monster" Abyss.



Five years ago, at TNA No Surrender 2006, this happened.



On with the projections!

Jesse Sorensen vs. Kid Kash: No matter how badly Kid Kash behaves behind the scenes, it's always fun to see him inside a wrestling ring. Projection? Kash makes that handsome Sorensen fellow look good, and Jesse wins with the running neckbreaker.

Matt Morgan vs. Samoa Joe: Samoa Joe snapped and started injuring wrestlers over the last few weeks. Matt Morgan, who was taken out of the Bound For Glory series due to injury, has recovered and is back for a shot at Joe. Projection? Joe wins with a low blow and beats up Morgan after the match.

Mickie James vs. Winter w/ Angelina Love (TNA Knockouts Title): This match seems very familiar. Maybe it's because we saw the EXACT SAME MATCH last month at "Hardcore Justice." Projection? Winter gets surprised by The Long Kiss Goodnight, and Mickie goes on to promote another country album.

Brian Kendrick vs. Austin Aries (TNA X Division Title Match): There's no reason for Brian Kendrick to be the TNA X Division champion. Heck, there's barely a reason for Brian Kendrick to be on the TNA roster. Projection? Aries hits the brainbuster and captures the X Division title. Then we get the highly anticipated Aries vs. Sorensen X division title match at Bound for Glory. On a related note, I've wasted my life.

Hernandez & Anarquia (con Rosita y Sarita) vs. Brother D-Von & Pope D'Angelo I (TNA World Tag Team Titles): It could to see Brother D-Von getting along so well with that suck-up street preacher D'Angelo Dinero. Projection? Anarquia knocks out Pope with a blackjack, and the Mexican Americans keep the tag team titles.

Bobby Roode vs. Gunner (Bound For Glory Series): The second and third place competitors in the Bound for Glory series square off, playing for a tie with leader Bully Ray. Projection? Gunner has Roode beat, but Gunner wants a submission victory. Gunner goes for the figure-four, but Roode pins Gunner with a roll-up.

James Storm vs. Bully Ray (Bound For Glory Series): Over the past couple of weeks, we've had multiple Torch writers discuss how James Storm and Bully Ray deserve to main event a TNA pay-per-view. Well, they came awfully close. Projection? Storm forces Bully Ray to tap out in the Sharpshooter, giving him ten points for the submission win, allowing Storm to win the BFG series by...one point. Roode could get the win, but there's something to be said for having, like, an actual gimmick.

Kurt Angle vs. Ken Anderson vs. Sting (TNA World Title): Oh, for crying out loud. I could be watching the end of the Dallas Cowboys game instead of this match. Angle's an Olympic trainwreck. Anderson is an average worker, and he's so awful on promos that I'm surprised WWE Studios hasn't signed him to a three-picture deal. Sting is the One Star Insane Icon, and shouldn't be headlining much of anything. Projection? Sting has Angle beat somehow, but Flair interferes and hits Sting with a baseball bat so Angle can score the pin. Sure, you could have Hogan interfere, but having to watch Hulk shuffle his way from the stage to the ring isn't going to do us any good, and it's probably hell on Hogan's knees.

Aftermath: Next month is Bound For Glory. Do we care? Not so much. But let's go with Kurt Angle vs. James Storm, Crimson vs. Samoa Joe, Rob Van Dam vs. Jerry Lynn, A.J. Styles vs. Christopher Daniels, and any other ideas that don't involve Hulk Hogan or Eric Bischoff appearing on camera.

***
Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He'd like to mark the tenth anniversary of 9/11 by watching his Washington Redskins beat the New York Giants like government mules. Drop him a line at patmcneill@live.com

We suggest these recent related articles...

McNEILL's Late Night Deadblog - WWE Night of Champions: Bucklebombs, Light-up Jackets, Poachers, IcoPro, Eddie, more!

Night of Gold: McNEILL Previews Night Of Champions 2015 (w/Wrestling History Lesson)

Double Duty: McNEILL previews ROH's All-Star Extravaganza VII pay-per-view!