By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

You are looking LIVE at barside here in West Richmond, where we are less than 30 minutes from WWE SummerSlam, the biggest party of summer!

Remember, whatever SummerSlam is, it isn't a wrestling show. Unless C.M. Punk has the microphone. Then all bets are off.

And, after a packed house last month at the Tavern, business looks a tad slow tonight. The preshow isn't on the big screen yet.

We DO have the NBA network on, showing the WNBA Sunday night game. I don't think it's the same target demographic.

On the bright side, with so few customers in the bar, the service has been excellent. We have five matches scheduled for the event.

If we run a little short, Matt Striker can come out and host an impromptu WWE edition of "The Gong Show." That'll teach those reporters.

Could it be? Comic book T-shirt, weird facial hair...Yes, we definitely have some wrestling fans rolling in here. About time.

Twelve wrestling fans here, counting me. I have no idea why this guy at the table next to me is wearing a suit and tie.

At this point, there's going to be a riot if someone doesn't switch the TV over to the pay-per-view.

Granted, it'll be a very small riot...

Alright, here we go. "Jorts Power" sign in the crowd, and The Miz makes his grand entrance.to the ring. He has the microphone.

It looks like we're starting with a six-man tag. And it looks like Jim Ross is not announcing SummerSlam. You can't trust Twitter.

It's Rey, Kofi & Morrison vs. Del Rio, Miz & R-Truth. I hope they're planning to go long. Cole explains why Rey gets a title shot on Raw.

Booker is on commentary. Was William Regal unavailable? SummerSlam is airing in Mexico, where they must be thrilled to see their top guys

...jerking the curtain on the biggest L.A. show of the year.

I hope Jim Ross went back to the hotel to watch UFC on Versus. The match goes on. Three guesses who loses the fall here.

This is a pretty good match. I wonder if I could talk the bar manager into switching over to the SAP feed for the rest of the show.

The injured Mysterio pins R-Truth with a frog splash, to prove he's not injured. Guess I called that one wrong.

Johnny Ace demands C.M. Punk apologize for kicking him in the head on Raw. Punk delivers the most insincere apology possible.

Then Stephanie McMahon pops in to wish C.M. Punk luck. Why is Stephanie wearing a long trenchcoat? Is there a nor'easter in SoCal?

Punk makes fun of Steph in a decidedly non-PG fashion. Sheamus vs. Mark Henry is next.

Here we go. Cole tells us that Henry has a 64 inch chest. So did that stripper who wrestled Scott Hall on Nitro back in1999.

And the action quickly goes to the floor. Henry gorilla presses Sheamus back into the ring. About 20 wrestling fans here, by the way.

Yes, there's someone in the crowd wearing an old-school Stephanie McMahon T-shirt. Henry misses the Vader bomb. Comeback time!

Maybe later tonight, Jim Ross and Cee-Lo Green can perform a duet on Cee-Lo's big single, "Forget you."

Sheamus just kicked Henry through the ropes. And Henry just hit the Sillsby Stampede, putting Sheamus through the barricade.

Mark Henry wins by countout, and people are pissed. The shot of some plant in a Cena shirt running for his life from Henry was very funny.

Josh interviews Christian. Christian reminds us that the match is No Holds Barred, and compares himself to Harry Potter. THAT's a heel.

We get an ad for "Killer Elite." I'm pretty sure that's not a WWE Studios release. Cee-Lo Green sings. He DOES look a little like D-Lo!

And we DO get a short version of "Forget you!" Well, that made my evening. The couple in front of me are doing a thumb war with lighters.

We'll know the show's running short if Cee-Lo segues into "Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida" by Iron Butterfly. Nope. But we get more commercials.

Kelly Kelly defending the Divas title agInst Beth Phoenix. Eve and Natalya are in their friends' respective corners.

Kelly looks okay on offense for the first ninety seconds...And that will about do it. Beth's on offense.

Kelly blocks the Glam Slam, and hits a victory roll for the pin. The crowd seems happy. Backstage, Steph is leaving Cena's locker room.

Backstage, Jimmy Hart is trying to recruit R-Truth. He's doing well until Truth figures out that Hart is Little Jimmy.

Ron Artest watches R-Truth's meltdown, and does not approve. Really. Cole ruins the joke by explaining who Ron Artest is. Get it?

It's time for Daniel Bryan vs. Wade Barrett. I guess Cena and Punk are doing a 60-minute broadway. Michael Cole still hates Daniel Bryan.

Jerry Lawler explains to Michael Cole that wrestling is not bodybuilding, without using the word "wrestling."

Bryan kicks Barrett's ass all over the ring while Cole rants about what a nerd Daniel is. Only in WWE.

Booker tells the others that making money is WWE is more important than winning titles. If you don't know what's wrong with that statement

...kindly get the hell out of this business. This is a good match, by the way. LeBell Lock, but Wade makes the ropes.

Barrett hits Wasteland and scores the clean win. Michael Cole actually pays lip service to how well Daniel Bryan performed.

The California National Guard is in the house! And so is Jenny McCarthy. Christian vs. Orton is next.

Christian has a secret plan to win the no holds barred match. I hope Tomko is involved.

Christian's big surprise for tonight is...Edge is in his corner! Gee, I thought I knew Edge...

Edge apparently left twenty pounds of muscle at his home in Asheville. By the way, the crowd went BONKERS for Edge.

Edge takes the mic and says that he was glad to pass the torch to Christian, but now Christian's become a real toolbag. Or something.

And...there goes the satellite signal. Well, it's not like this match is important or anything.

We're back. Thunderstorm. The woman in front of us wondered aloud why the satellite couldn't go out during the Kelly Kelly match.

This has been pretty intense, especially given the participants. The crowd is doing dueling chants, warming up for the main event.

The Spanish announce table is not long for this world. Christian whacks Randy with a monitor. Orton RKO's Christian through the table.

Was that a "this is awesome" chant? You'll want to put a stop to that. Orton kicks out of the Unprettier.

Christian spits on Orton. Bad idea. Orton hits Christian with a chair, and then puts him through a table. Then a second table.

Then a kendo stick shot. Then a DDT on a garbage can. Then an RKO on the aluminum steps. Orton regains the Smackdown title.

Follow that, you guys. WWE follows it...with a video recap of Fan Axxess.

We then have footage of the WWE party that all the Comcast NBC Universal stars were railroaded into attending.

Our cameras show Triple H and Mrs. H conferring in a hallway backstage. Your main event is NEXT!

Triple H. C.M. Punk. John Cena. The champs are here. And it's clobbering time.

Night of Champions will be on against Michael Vick's return to Atlanta. Good luck with that, WWE.

And we're off. The crowd seems pretty evenly split. Chain wrestling...I mean, chain entertaining to start the match.

C.M. Punk complained on WWE.com that Triple H as ref is like the cop who tickets you doubling as the judge in the cage.

That might be the only time Triple H has ever been compared to Sheriff Andy Taylor of Mayberry.

Cole picks John Cena to win. Lawler picks C.M. Punk. Booker should pick Alberto Del Rio, but he doesn't. Book praises both men's cardio.

Punk performs the John Tenta sitdown splash on Cena. Not to be outdone, Cena hits Ray Traylor's Bossman slam.

They trade submission moves. Triple H calls it down the middle. File that sequence away for later.

They tease a double countout, but Hunter goes outside and rolls both men back into the ring. Where'd the Cena fans go? Is it bedtime?

Doesn't Cole know that the match can't end until both men hit their finishers? Somebody tweet him. #MichaelColeIsClueless

There! Cena hit the Attitude Adjustment. Told you. Punk kicked out, because he hasn't hit the GTS yet. Oh, there it is.

As Bruce Mitchell could tell you, this match could end any second. Punk hits the Macho Man elbow for two. A "Randy Savage" chant.

A second GTS. HHH ignores Cena's foot on the ropes, and Punk wins. Whaddaya know, it's 10:45.

That'll do it from here. Punk refuses Hunter's handshake and celebrates. Wait a second. Kevin Nash is in the ring and beating up Punk!

I am NOT making this up. Powerbomb by Nash. And here comes Alberto Del Rio with the briefcase. One, two, three. Del Rio is WWE champ.

There you go. Tune in to James and Greg on the Livecast in 30 minutes, and then check out the VIP roundtable for many of the same jokes.

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