MCNEILL'S TAKE Bright Lights, Bigger City: McNEILL Previews WWE's Summerslam 2011 PPV!
Aug 14, 2011 - 6:13:37 PM
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By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist
Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Psycho Dad, the Straight-to-DVD Son-In-Law and Mamma Levesque. Projections are not predictions, because anything can happen in WWE, except for a show getting booked more than 24 hours in advance. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive the Great American Popcorn Machine, furnished by Sunbeam. Pat McNeill's wardrobe provided by "Botany 500". Remember, this is only an exhibition. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for the part where he locks the extended McMahon family in a conference room with Mick Foley and Melina Perez for the weekend.
It's the Biggest Wrestling Show of the Summer. The 24th edition of WWE SummerSlam is set to go in Los Angeles tomorrow night. There are a couple of issues going into the event. First of all, the main storyline in WWE, the buildup to John Cena's big rematch with C.M. Punk, isn't exactly setting the cable ratings on fire. The second issue is, the main event of tomorrow's show is built around the fact that new WWE Chief Operating Officer Triple H will be the special guest referee. This might work if Triple H were as over as Punk and/or Cena. The crowd reactions and the ratings suggest otherwise.
It's time for this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson. Let us take you back to twenty years ago, when the World Wrestling Federation gave us their "go home" show on the way to SummerSlam 1991. Worcester, Massachusetts was reeling and rocking as Hulk Hogan made a rare televised defense of the WWF Championship against former champion Sgt. Slaughter. This aired August 18, 1991 on the "SummerSlam Spectacular" edition of WWF Prime Time Wrestling.
For the record, Monday's episode of Raw did a 3.1 rating on the USA Network. This show did a 3.6.
For those of you who are more interested in wrestling from 2011, here's the big contract signing for Sunday's main event at SummerSlam. If you didn't watch it, see what the fuss is about.
And, in you case you missed last month's acclaimed "Money In The Bank" pay-per-view, and don't have three hours to watch the DVD, here you go:
Your announcers should be Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and, of all people, Jim Ross. On with the projections!
First Order Of Business: At this writing, only five matches have been announced. Last year's SummerSlam had six matches. At the bare minimum, we need one more match, preferably one that can last at least ten minutes. Let's pick out a match from last weekend's house shows, and have R-Truth & Jack Swagger defeat Kofi Kingston & John Morrison when Truth hits Morrison with the Lie Detector. Morrison will be losing the fall because, well, you know.
Daniel Bryan vs. Wade Barrett: The battle is joined between two guys who headlined last year's SummerSlam. Raise your hand if you thought one year ago that Daniel Bryan and Wade Barrett would both be at the same level today. Projection? As long as Daniel Bryan has the briefcase, he needs to be kept strong. Bryan makes Barrett tap out to the LeBell Lock.
Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoneix (WWE Divas Title): The Divas of Doom, Beth Phoneix and Natalya Neidhart, plan to take over the women's division. Actually, this is all about using the experienced Divas to carry the younger swimsuit models through their matches. I hope it works. Projection? Beth Phoenix pins Kelly after a Glam Slam, and we have a new Divas champion.
Sheamus vs. Mark Henry: So far, Mark Henry has defeated and injured Big Show, Kane and Vladimir Kozlov on his path to the Smackdown title. Frankly, I don't think Kozlov's coming back to get his revenge on The World's Strongest Man. Projection? Henry gets the victory with the World's Strongest Slam, but manages to escape the postmatch beating without having to do a stretcher job. It's the least they can do for the Celtic Warrior.
Randy Orton vs. Christian Cage (Smackdown World Title - No Holds Barred): Congratulations go out to Randy Orton and Christian for facing off on their fourth consecutive pay-per-view. Of course, you can have too much of a good thing. When The Viper has wrestled in the Smackdown main event for seven weeks in a row, it's obvious that maybe Randy's appearances aren't as special as they could be. Projection? Edge is seated at ringside. Christian tries to get Edge to interfere on his behalf. Edge won't do it. Orton wins with the RKO and regains the Smackdown title. We then prepare for the scintillating feud between Orton and Mark Henry. Might as well get it over with now, before WrestleMania season.
John Cena vs. C.M. Punk (WWE Heavyweight Title - Special Guest Referee "The Chaperone"): The question is, will Triple H turn heel on John Cena, or will Triple H turn heel on C.M. Punk? How about neither? Projection? C.M. Punk taunts Triple H foe the entire match. Punk hits the Go To Sleep, but Cena kicks out. The frustrated Second City Savior goes under the ring and fetches...a sledgehammer. Punk wants to use it on Cena, but Hunter tries to grab it away. Hunter succeeds and accidentally bonks Cena with the sledgehammer. Punk pins Cena. Again.
After the match, Cena comes to, sees the sledgehammer lying behind him, snaps and gives Triple H the Attitude Adjustment. At this point, Alberto Del Rio brings the briefcase and referee Mike Chioda to the ring. Del Rio is too smart to let Punk kick him in the head this time. So, this time, Punk kicks Chioda in the head and knocks out the ref. Punk and Del Rio go it at for a few minutes until Del Rio clocks Punk with the briefcase. At this point, Ricardo Rodriguez revives Triple H. Triple H sees Del Rio laying on top of Punk, sees the Money In the Bank briefcase in the ring, and counts the fall. Alberto Del Rio leaves SummerSlam with the WWE Title. John Cena, C.M. Punk and Triple H leave SummerSlam hating each other. Game on.
Aftermath: Our next pay-per-view is Night of Champions, the first part of WWE's annual stretch of three pay-per-views in five weeks. Expect Alberto Del Rio vs. C.M. Punk and Randy Orton vs. Mark Henry on this show. Also, expect the Sunday Night NFL game that's on against Night of Champions to do a boffo rating here in the states. Of course, it all leads to Cena vs. Punk at Hell in a Cell on October 2nd.
Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He cohosts the PWTorch Livecast on Wednesdays. Pat will join Wade Keller and Bruce Mitchell on the Torch VIP Roundtable after "SummerSlam" late Sunday night.
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