By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Bully McMahon, the idiot daughter, the doofus son-in-law, and their respective ass-kissers. Projections are not predictions, because anything can happen in WWE, last I heard. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Starburst fruit chews. Available in five different varieties. Furnished by M&M Mars. For a transcript of today's projections, please send $8 and a self-addressed, stamped envelope to McNeill's Take, c/o Pro Wrestling Torch, P.O. Box 211654, St. Paul, MN 55121. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE.

John Cena vs. C.M. Punk is the most anticipated wrestling match since, oh, Davey Richards vs. Eddie Edwards three weeks ago in Ring of Honor. This puts a lot of pressure on anyone trying to come up with a clever finish, but that's where an experienced columnist can take advantage of his vast experience booking and producing televised professional wrestling.


(Thanks to Brian Frenck, Derek Huffman, Mike Payne & John Ellifritz.)

As we prepare to cash in this weekend, it's time for this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson. Let us take you back to twenty years ago, when the World Wrestling Federation returned to Madison Square Garden and gave us a WrestleMania VII rematch. Here's The Nasty Boys defending the WWF Tag Team Titles against the Hart Foundation. This aired July 29, 1991 on WWF Prime Time Wrestling.



For those of you who are more interested in wrestling from 2011, here's Thursday night's episode of WWE Superstars, courtesy of our friends at WWEFanNation. And what better way to kick off Superstars than the dream match of Santino Marella vs. Zack Ryder?



For those of you heading to the Allstate Arena on Sunday, C.M. Punk welcomes YOU to Chicago.



And now, checking in with his exclusive look at "Money In The Bank" is six-time former World champion Booker T. Huffman, with observations that in no way resemble random cliches from his commentary on this week's Smackdown:

Tell it like it is. This man right here, Randy Orton, has got beef, and he's looking to settle it come Sunday night. Let me tell you something. Cody Rhodes hasn't done anything since he's been back on his own. I'm looking to see exactly how Big Show handles Mark Henry Sunday night in the middle of that ring. He's one of those guys that's in Booker T's Fave Five. I said it once, and I'll say it once. Winning the title seems to do something for the company, because it catapults John Cena. I can't wait. It's gonna be on like a steamin' pot of neckbone.

Thanks as always, Book. On with the preview!

We will probably have a bonus match on this show. My guess is The New Nexus of David Otunga Hudson & Michael Hennigillicuddy will defeat The Uso Brothers to retain the WWE Tag Team Titles.

Kelly Kelly vs. Brie Bella (WWE Divas Title): Kelly Kelly was a last minute substitute for Kharma, who was supposed to be feuding with the Bella twins. Projection? Kelly pins Brie Bella with a rollup in three minutes.

The Big Show vs. Mark Henry: Mark Henry's cut some fine promos over the past few weeks, and has done a fine job as Smackdown's lead intimidator. But at the end of the day, this is still a Raw wrestler taking on a Smackdown wrestler. Projection? Henry takes the early advantage, but Big Show earns the victory by sitting on the World's Strongest Man.

Daniel Bryan vs. Justin Gabriel vs. Kane vs. Sin Cara vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Heath Slater vs. Sheamus vs. Wade Barrett (Smackdown "Money In The Bank" Ladder Match): The only think I love more than "Money In The Bank" ladder matches is hearing senior Torch columnist Bruce Mitchell complain about "Money In The Bank" ladder matches. Projection? WWE should be elevating newer wrestlers. The one Smackdown competitor that would probably benefit the most from this victory is Wade Barrett, so let the big man have it.

Alex Riley vs. Evan Bourne vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger vs. The Miz vs. R-Truth (Raw "Money In The Bank" Ladder Match): Most diehard wrestling fans are expecting Alberto Del Rio to win this match and earn a WWE title shot in time for SummerSlam. As much fun as that would be, this isn't the time to start a new main event program. Projection? The win goes to Alex Riley, the one wrestler WWE has been busting its hump to get over as a potential main event player on Raw.

Randy Orton vs. Christian Cage (Smackdown World Title): According to the stipulations, if Randy Orton gets disqualified, or if Christian loses due to poor officiating, Christian becomes Smackdown World Champion. But you have to consider Orton the favorite here, because what are the odds of poor officiating during a pro wrestling match? Projection? Orton and Christian do it one more time. Referee Charles Robinson gets bumped and taken out of the match. Referee Jack Doan runs down to the ring, and then he gets bumped. Christian knocks out Orton with the Smackdown title belt, but a revived Robinson sees it and disqualifies Christian.

Why? Because, at SummerSlam, Randy Orton will face Christian one more time, this time with Edge as the special guest referee. You didn't think Edge was going to be at Fan Axxess next month and not be a part of SummerSlam, did you?

John Cena vs. C.M. Punk (WWE Heavyweight Title): So far, we've all heard at least a couple of dozen ideas for how WWE will book this main event. Some of them are very good. Some of them aren't so good. But if you're looking to capture the attention of the WWE audience, and get more than, oh, 2.9 percent of them to tune in to Raw on Monday night, what do you do?

Of all the possibilities here, the "doomsday scenario" presented by Vince McMahon last week is that C.M. Punk leaves the Allstate Arena with the WWE title, and John Cena gets fired as a result. I say, why not? Why can't that happen? Because Punk's contract expires on Sunday? Because Vince McMahon told the writers that Sunday in C.M. Punk's last day? Because C.M. Punk said so on his Twitter? Caucasian, please.

Projection? We get a lengthy match, which ends when C.M. Punk rolls up John Cena with a handful of tights to capture the WWE Heavyweight Title. Cena gets his hands on Punk after the match and drops Punk with the Attitude Adjustment. Cena signals to the back. Vince McMahon appears with on the ramp and announces that Alex Riley will be cashing in his Money In The Bank briefcase now (if he knows what's good for him). Riley's music hits. Riley comes out and hands the briefcase to McMahon, starts down the aisle, and is immediately jumped from behind by The Miz and Jack Swagger, who stomp a mudhole in Riley and throw him off the ramp. Miz grabs the briefcase from McMahon and runs off.

Before anyone can do anything else, the New Nexus runs in through the crowd, followed by Colt Cabana, Luke Gallows, Daniel Bryan and maybe even Danny Dominion, for all I care. The Second City Nexus beats the urine out of John Cena. Referees and security come out from the back, but Mason Ryan and Luke Gallows literally carry a wobbly Punk out of the arena and into a waiting car (driven by "Crazy" Ace Steel). The final shot is of C.M. Punk and friends riding away.

Aftermath: WWE Raw kicks off on Monday night with John Cena trying to enter the Resch Center, and being removed from the building by security. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler tell us that John Cena has been fired from WWE, the wrestlers who helped C.M. Punk escape have been fired by WWE, and that Vince McMahon will appear at the end of the show to address the WWE title situation. Randy Orton appears on the program, and the Raw general manager tells us that the World Heavyweight Champion will be appearing on Raw and Smackdown until further notice.

During the final segment of Raw, Vince McMahon is about to make his announcement when John Cena comes down the aisle. Security comes to haul Cena away, but John has a microphone.

"Vince, if I can bring the WWE Championship back to Raw, will you rehire me?"

McMahon motions for the guards to let Cena go. Cena enters the ring and whips out several sheets of paper, which have obviously been taped back together.

"Last week on Raw, before I left the building, I found these papers in the back. This is the WWE contract that C.M. Punk grabbed from you and tore to pieces. I thought it might come in handy. Because when he handed you the contract from his lawyers, the one with the movie deals and the ice cream bars, C.M. Punk had already signed it."

McMahon, catching on quickly, grabs the contract from Cena, flips through it, and signs it.

"C.M. Punk, now you work for me again! And if you don't show up next Monday night on Raw, with the WWE Championship, you will be in breach of contract, and I will sue you for every penny you have!"

(Hopefully, WWE can take it from there.)

***

Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He cohosts the PWTorch Livecast on Wednesdays. Pat will join Wade Keller and Bruce Mitchell on the Torch VIP Roundtable after "Money In The Bank" late Sunday night.

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