By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, projections are not predictions, because this columnist is neither a McMahon nor a Gewirtz nor "Fabulous Freebird" Michael Hayes. This preview was sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Dupont Lucite paint, now available in over one thousand fashionable colors for long-lasting beauty inside or outside your home. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for the part where he replaces the fine coffee served at Titan Towers with Folger's Crystals.

Sunday is the 24th annual WWF/WWE Survivor Series. No, seriously, I want someone to tell the folks at WWE.com that this is the 24th Survivor Series, and not the 23rd. In 1987, we had Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant. This year, it's Randy Orton and Wade Barrett in the main event, but the focus is on the final fate of John Cena. Will he help Wade Barrett capture the WWE title from Randy Orton, or will he be fired?

It's time for this month's Wrestling History Lesson. You may have enjoyed Monday's "old school" episode of WWE Raw. It was fun to look back on some of the quirks and low-tech elements of World Wrestling Federation television in the 1980's and 1990's. But if you want some real "old school" wrestling, we'll take you back to November 1990, when the World Wrestling Federation's go home show for the Thanksgiving classic was the "Survivor Series Showdown", broadcast on USA Network on November 18, 1990. Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan have the call as Bret "Hitman" Hart battles The Honky Tonk Man.



For those of you who are more interested in the here and now, let's take you back to Monday night for a video that a lot of fans are raving about. Roddy Piper welcomes John Cena on "Piper's Pit."



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and Matt Striker will be calling the action tonight. Can't they all just get along? On with the program!

Daniel Bryan vs. Ted DiBiase (w/ Maryse): (WWE United States Title): Why mess with a good thing? Let's have Daniel Bryan open yet another WWE pay-per-view. "The Million Dollar Bland" Ted DiBiase Junior, is the opponent du jour. Not only is Bryan providing the championship belt, he'll also be bringing the charisma. Projection? A somewhat lengthy opening match, closing out with DiBiase tapping to the LeBell Lock. The feud's been on for a whopping six days. It is too soon to change the title.

Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. Kaval: (WWE Intercontinental Title): Mr. Ziggles has Vickie Guerrero back in his corner. I wonder where Kaitlyn went? Projection? Dolph defeats Kaval with the Zig Zag. There's really not enough time on the show for any love triangle shenanigans.

Michelle McCool & Layla El vs. Natalya Neidhart (WWE Unified Diva Title - Handicap Match): Welcome to professional wrestling, where Natalya Neidhart can't beat Michelle or Layla in a singles match for the title, but she has a pretty good chance of beating both of them at once. Projection? Layla accidentally kicks Michelle, and Natalya finishes achieves her goal of winning the Divas. We'll get a slow burn for the eventual breakup and feud between Michelle and Layla. It's amazing how patient WWE Creative is when the storyline involves the wife of a top wrestler.

Heath Slater & Justin Gabriel vs. Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov (WWE World Tag Team Titles): Let's see. We have a virtually unknown set of tag team champions who may have actually defended the belts once on television. On the other side, we have WWE's top comedy act. Tag team wrestling is hotter than ever here in WWE! Projection? Slater and Kozlov brawl on the outside. Gabriel finishes Santino with the 450 splash.

Rey Mysterio, Big Show, Kofi Kingston, MVP & Chris Masters vs. Alberto Del Rio, Cody Rhodes, Drew McIntyre, Jack Swagger & Tyler Reks (Survivor Series Elimination Tag Team Match): Actually, this is a good way to get ten Smackdown wrestlers on the show. The problem is, these are ten of the top wrestlers on Smackdown. There might be a lack of roster depth. Projection? (Deep breath.) Kingston pins Reks, Swagger pins Masters, MVP defeats McIntyre, Rhodes defeats MVP, Show defeats Swagger and the Soaring Eagle, Del Rio pins Kingston, Rey pins Rhodes, Del Rio, in tribute to the first Survivor Series, does his best Honky Tonk Man impression and takes the countout loss. Mysterio and Big Show survive.

John Morrison vs. Sheamus Farrelly: WWE has spent weeks trying to build up John "Moonlight Drive" Morrison as someone who can hang with Sheamus in an important match. And we know what that means. Projection? Sheamus wins clean with the Celtic Cross.

After the match, guess who pops in to say hello to Sheamus? Yeah, it should be Triple H. Why would you wait until the December pay-per-view, or Monday Night Raw, to bring back The Game. Hunter has a sledgehammer. Sheamus has an escape route.

Kane vs. Edge (Smackdown World Heavyweight Title): The most impressive part of this feud is Edge's kidnapping of Kane's manager, Paul Bearer. Think about the costs involve in the care and feeding of Paul Bearer for a week. Think of how hard it must have been to sneak a 300 pound man through Customs. Think of how difficult it must have been to evade police on two continents. Projection? Kane throws a fireball at Edge and pins him. The Big Red Machine has been a show killer as champion, but does anyone really think Edge could do better?

Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett (WWE Heavyweight Title - Guest Referee John Cena): Boy, I can't wait until John Cena can finally get his hands on Wade Barrett and get his revenge by giving him the Attitude Adjustment. Oh, wait. That already happened. Projection? Cena calls the match down the middle. Nexus tries to help Barrett, but Big Show and Morrison and some other babyfaces run them off. R-Truth tries to get a chain away from Wade Barrett, but he screws up and accidentally clocks Orton with it. Cena refuses to make the count, then hits the Attitude Adjustment on Barrett and lets Orton score the pin. Randy Orton keeps the WWE title. John Cena is fired. Tune in to Raw on Monday night for Triple H hunting down Sheamus, and Cena's tearful farewell to Raw.

Aftermath: The next pay-per-view is "WWE Tables, Ladders and Chairs", a theme that goes well with WWE's current TV-PG, anti-concussion strategy. Oh, well. Let's go with Randy Orton defending the title against The Miz, Sheamus facing Triple H in a big revenge match, Kane vs. Big Show for the Smackdown title, and Wade Barrett taking on Raw's newest superstar, the masked "Unknown Soldier." We'll figure out where to put the tables, ladders and chairs later.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He'd take the Giants and the points on Sunday Night Football. You know, if gambling were legal.

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