By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of the World Wrestling Entertainment creative team. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive the new 22 volume World Book Encyclopedia, including research guide and index volume. Easy to use, easy to read. Furnished by World Book. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for the part where he tells Triple H and Stephanie to go home and play with their kids.

You know, it's been a nice quiet week here at Titan Towers, except for two stories. One is former United States champion Matt Hardy, who has been acting like a human trainwreck and been pulled off the road by World Wrestling Entertainment. The other story is WWE's new "no tolerance" policy on prescription painkillers. Good thing those two stories aren't related.

Meanwhile, former WWE boss Linda McMahon is still trailing in her campaign for the United States. Her former company is trailing in the cable ratings race. The past two weeks of Raw have drawn 3.0 ratings up against American football on Monday nights. Unfortunately, there's sixteen more weeks of Monday Night Football, starting this Monday night with the Defending champions, the New Orleans Saints in action. The WWF of ten years ago, with Stone Cold, The Rock and Triple H, wouldn't have sweated the National Football League. But times change.

It's time for this month's Wrestling History Lesson. Yes, this is WWE's Night of Champions, a show which started out as a tip of the cap to the heritage of WWE's major championships. There is, of course, one title belt which has been left out of the discussion, and that's the WWF Hardcore Championship. The WWF Hardcore Championship was only around for a few years before being unified with the WWF Intercontinental Title, but those years had a significant impact on this business. In fact, let's take you back ten years to September 24, 2000, when Steve Blackman defended the hardcore title against Al Snow, Crash Holly, Perry Saturn, Sho Funkai and Test. (Don't worry. None of the dead people in this match died on Linda McMahon's watch.) The match took place at Unforgiven 2000, a show that featured, um, Undertaker and Kane in the main event.



For those of you who missed Friday Night Smackdown, let us take you back to the final segment. It was The Undertaker confronting Smackdown World Champion Kane.



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and Matt Striker will be calling the action once again. No, we are not expecting Cole to have the giant gong from last week's NXT behind the announce table, although it might come in handy. On with the show!

The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya) vs. "Dashing" Cody Rhodes & "Dreary" Drew McIntyre (WWE Tag Team Titles): Officially, this match isn't on the lineup. Unofficially, it's on. Projection? The challengers come close, but Tyson pins McIntyre after a Hart Attack to keep the belts. However, you can except a rematch some time in the next few weeks.

Melina Perez vs. Michelle McCool (WWE Diva-fication Title - Lumberjill Match): Well, now we know why Melina won the Divas' title. Layla is technically the champion, but Michelle gets to face Melina to create one women's title. Projection? McCool beats Melina with the Faith Breaker following Layla's interference, and we start counting down to the inevitable Lay vs. Cool match at WrestleMania.

Big Show vs. C.M. Punk: At this point, I'm trying to figure out what, exactly, Punk did this time to piss off management. Maybe he added unicorns to Johnny Ace's PowerPoint presentation, like Mark Sanchez did on "Hard Knocks". Projection? Another comedy match where Punk can put Show over. Mind you, I don't know who's left for Show to feud with over on Smackdown. Maybe we'll see Big Show vs. Alberto at Survivor Series.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston (WWE Intercontinental Title): Really? We're still having this feud? Is it best of 5? Best of 7? Best of 101? Projection? Vickie Guerrero tries to help Dolph, but it backfires and Kofi wins the Intercontinental Title. Hey, nothing against Dolph or Kofi, but both wrestlers need fresh opponents.

Mike Mizanin vs. Daniel Bryan (WWE Intercontinental Title): Despite the way the WWE geniuses have put this feud together, WWE fans are still interested. Maybe because this is a fresher matchup than, I don't know, Cena versus Orton? Projection? Miz takes the countout loss. This feud must continue.

Kane vs. The Undertaker (Smackdown World Heavyweight Title - No Holds Barred Match): This feud has only been going on for thirteen years or so. I think one of the nice DVD bootleggers online should put together a four volume Undertaker vs. Kane compilation, and make people pay not to send it to them. Projection? Kane beats Undertaker within an inch of his life. Undertaker keeps coming back, so Kane knocks 'Taker out with an urn to keep his title.

Sheamus Farrelly vs. Chris Jericho vs. Edge vs. John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett (WWE Heavyweight Title - Elimination Match): I don't know if this match has enough stipulations. Maybe WWE could make this a Championship Scramble match too. Projection? Let's see. Barrett eliminates Edge. Cena eliminates Jericho. Barrett eliminates Cena. Orton eliminates Barrett. Nexus beats up Orton after the fall, leaving him easy prey for Sheamus, who keeps the title.

Aftermath: The next pay-per-view is "WWE Hell In A Cell", which happens in two weeks. On that show, Kane defends the Smackdown title against Undertaker in a Hell in a Cell match, while Sheamus defends the WWE title against Randy Orton in another Hell in a Cell match. Since there won't be enough stipulation matches on the show, we can also have Nexus face Team Hornswoggle in a handicap Tug-of-War or something.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He's not a big Auburn fan.

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