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MCNEILL'S TAKE
This Mystery Is Generally Managed: McNEILL Previews WWE Money In The Bank!

Jul 18, 2010 - 11:06:46 AM
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By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of the World Wrestling Entertainment creative team. Projections are not predictions, because we can't imagine what this show will look like after Mr. McMahon looks it over this afternoon. This preview was sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Starburst fruit chews. Available in five different varieties. Furnished by M&M Mars. Pat McNeill's wardrobe provided by Mr. Guy of Beverly Hills. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing.

WWE's July pay-per-view is built around the "Money In The Bank" ladder match, a stipulation match that has been used as opening match filler at WrestleMania for the past few years. There will be two Money In The Bank matches, one for Raw and one for Smackdown. And it's difficult to take either of those matches seriously. Cashing in the Money In The Bank briefcase was neat when Edge did it to John Cena, and has become less interesting each successive time it's happened.

But on Friday night, WWE introduced a new dynamic to this show by having Kane beat up Jack Swagger's father. For those of you who didn't recognize Papa Swagger, he was played by Jimmy Golden, better known to a generation of WCW fans at Bunkhouse Buck. Which leads up right into this month's Wrestling History Lesson. Let's take you back to the summer of 1994, and an episode of WCW WorldWide Wrestling. Tony Schiavone and Jesse Ventura have the call of the show's main event, featuring Terry Funk & Bunkhouse Buck against Eric Watts & Barry Houston.



No, that really was the main event. For those of you who missed Friday Night Smackdown and have no idea what I'm talking about, here's the scene where Kane confronted Jack Swagger and Papa Swagger.



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and Matt Striker will be calling the action once again. On with the show!

Big Show vs. Christian Cage vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Drew McIntyre vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Kane vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Matt Hardy (Money In the Bank Ladder Match): Only one of these eight money is going to climb the ladder and retrieve the briefcase. Or, in the case of Big Show, is going to grab the ladder, swing it like a giant baseball bat, and knock the briefcase into the crowd. Projection? The other seven men destroy each other, and Dashing Cody Rhodes escapes with the briefcase.

Layla El vs. Kelly Kelly (WWE Women's Title): This show needed two ladies' matches? Really? Projection? Layla El wins in four minutes with her Lay Out neckbreaker.

The Hart Dynasty vs. The Brothers Uso (WWE World Tag Team Titles): Are there any current WWE fans remaining who haven't seen this matchup? Any at all? Projection? D.H. Smith powerslams an Uso and the Harts keep their tag team titles. Next!

Alicia Fox vs. Eve Torrez (WWE Divas Title): This is the long-awaited rematch from last month's big championship match at the Fatal Four-Way show. Right now, Eve and Alicia are in the middle of a hot feud or something. Projection? Eve wins the title back.

Chris Jericho vs. Edge vs. Evan Bourne vs. John Morrison vs. Mark Henry vs. The Miz vs. Randy Orton vs. Ted DiBiase (Money In The Bank Ladder Match): One of these eight men is going to leave Kansas City with the MITB briefcase. Wouldn't it be wild if Edge didn't win this time? Projection? If Randy Orton is physically capable of climbing the ladder, he had better do it now. Randy hits four or five RKO's en route to grabbing the case.

Rey Mysterio vs. Jack Swagger (Smackdown World Title): Mysterio returned from injury to save Smackdown during the recent rash of injuries. He has another month of summer to go. Projection? Rey keeps his title with the West Coast pop. Kane beats up Swagger after the match.

John Cena vs. Sheamus Farrelly (WWE World Heavyweight Title - Steel Cage Match): Cena and Captain Mayo are now best friends forever, and the Nexus Rookies are coming to beat both of them up. Really, that's the story. Projection? There are a bunch of different ways to go with this. Let's look at a few.

1) Sheamus is the secret general manager, and has cut a deal with Nexus, and turns on Cena. Not buying this one. Actually, there's only one part of this I'm not buying. Does anyone really think Vince would have made Sheamus the new GM? I don't see it.

2) Cena is the secret general manager, and has cut a deal with Nexus, and turns on Sheamus. So Cena hired Nexus, a group of rookies, to beat him up every week and cost him the WWE title? I don't see that one either.

3) HHH is the secret general manager, and has cut a deal with Nexus, and turns heel. That's a tough one, especially with The Game sidelined for an indeterminate amount of time. My issue here is that Nexus has been beating up Cena and largely leaving Sheamus alone. Does that sound like Heel Triple H to you?

I don't know what Option 4 is, but let's have Cena trying to leave the cage, and Nexus stopping him, throwing him back into the cage, and beating the crap out of him. Sheamus pins Cena. Then, let's have Nexus beat up Sheamus too, just because they can. Wade Barrett remains as leader of Nexus, and the mystery general manager is revealed as soon as WWE comes up with a better idea.

Aftermath: The next pay-per-view, "Summer Slam", happens in four weeks. That's a catchy name. Let's have Randy Orton vs. Sheamus and John Cena leading the Cenation Army against Nexus in a six-on-six match, and Kane vs. Jack Swagger vs. The Undertaker.
***

Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He'll be happy when global cooling begins.


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