By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"Just follow the smoke; they're bringing bottles of the goose
And all the girls in the corner getting loose
Screw rehab I love my addiction
No sleep, no sleep I am always on a mission"
-"Can't Stop Partying" by Weezer

Seems Chris Jericho should use an oldie and drink a tall glass of shut up juice.

It's all understandable. Jericho has had an innate ability this year to look like an ass in public. True, Jericho jousting with the fans at the start of the year was the sign of his heel character getting way over. Jericho making quips about President Obama taking away from Jericho's six-pack...well, I understand that, because I'm Republican. The latest was Jericho's offensive slur...to some, that "f" word is offensive. To others, it's what you call your bros in a joking manner. I'm not going to hold it against him.

Still, I wish he could have called the guy "germ incubator" or "blubbery parasite."

-ECW G.M. Tiff is getting on my nerves. Maybe it's her tendency to draw things out in crayon in big, bright colors. It would be cool if WWE played up that Tiffany injured her arm doing roller derby. But that would require knowledge of the outside world.

-I was thinking of doing an absurd list rating the women in wrestling. It would be sexist and childish, but then again, so is wrestling.

I bring this list idea up because Rosa Mendes has caught the fancy of our beloved Zack Ryder, and Rosa ain't no catch.

At first glance I thought that Rosa Mendes was a new diva. It's hard to keep track of them nowadays. She got what I like to call "The Van Halen Treatment," meaning Zack Ryder had a short music video in his head of how beautiful Rosa was. Meanwhile I couldn't figure out why Ryder busted his proverbial nut over Mrs. Potato Man.

We all see what's going on. WWE doesn't know what to do with talent like Jack Swagger and Zack Ryder, so look who become puppy dogs in love! Jack and Zack! Awww! Ah, maybe we'll get a blooming romance between all of these four knuckleheads. They could go the stale route of some hero fighting meanie Swagger for the honor of Eve (and then Eve does a turn). I say go with Eve calling up her homeboys Cryme Tyme and them laying a licking on the All-American American. Maybe then the "smart" bit of that utterly hollow "our divas are smart, sexy, and powerful" line WWE pumps up can come to fruition. I don't expect them to do my taxes, but I would like to say to young women that they can become smart, sexy, and powerful without getting a official WWE boob job.

I'm going to go ahead and nominate that "smart, sexy, and powerful" line as the worst WWE line for 2009. Every time I hear Mikey Cole say that as shiny pants-wearing divas come bouncing down the ramp, I naturally think of Austin Powers: Goldmember.



-Oh, I want to get back to busting a nut. Namely, WWE's fondness of premature ejaculation nowadays. From Dolph Ziggler to Zack Ryder, WWE just can't get enough of what's plaguing America. Haven't you heard? Premature ejaculation what all of the cool kids at school are talking about.

-It's been surprising that Paul Burchill has managed to keep his job in WWE for this long. I wouldn't put him in the same area of a Val Venis or even a Jamie Noble. More like a Scotty Too Hotty. His feud with the Green Hurricane has lasted 247 weeks. Keep at it boys.

-Abraham Washington wants sooooooo bad to be Eddie Murphy.

-Lance Vance Dance Archer, e.g. Lance Hoyt of the TNA Rock 'n Rave fame, is a tall and brooding sort of fella. I say jump on that "New Moon" craze and have Lance Archer be a vampire. A cool vampire. Not a goofy one like Gabriel or Kevin Thorne. These guys aren't accepted in the vampire club. Lance Archer, however, is already accepted somewhere. In my heart. You see his eyes? He's dreamy. I would like to get infected tonight.

I wonder how Jericho would respond to this.

-Why can't ECW end on damn time? Raw ended on time for once this week. I've got Dancing With The Stars to watch, ECW.

-By 2020, we will have automated cars and unmanned airplanes. We will have robots doing most of our grunt work. By then we can inhale certain nanomachines that produce dreams. And in 2020, DX will come back for a re-union and we'll all be bored senseless. "Hey look, it's those guys from 1997!"

I must say that DX are badasses in that Survivor Series commercial. Who cares that they submitted to Legacy? Who's fragging Hector while wearing bunny slippers? DX, baby.

I like how I'm supposed to drop $40 right now because hell, it's DX! And it's Survivor Series! It only happens once a year! So ya gotta buy it! It would be a hoot if the PPV only had DX coming out and doing their shtick for three hours. The PPV would get more buys than Bragging Rights, that's fer damn sure. Then again, so would a cat fashion show.

-I think TNA's new slogan should be this: "I Love TNA!" TNA could go the WWE PG route and have little kids going, "I Love TNA!" "TNA: Put Your Face Right In It!" Impact should also look into having a guest host like Raw to get even more viewers. But stay away from any NASCAR. I don't watch NASCAR, but I watch wrestling. And seemingly every time NASCAR gets involved in my wrestling, they have some good ol' boy botching things up royally and pissing me off. So now I hate NASCAR. But I Love TNA! "TNA: It's Okay To Take A Peek!"

I've been trying to figure out what is TNA. Is TNA a retirement home for WWE rejects? Is it the asylum for loony booking decisions? Are the words "TNA" a calling cry for those who crave fast paced X Division action? It's hard trying to figure out nutty TNA, but here's one thing I know: TNA believes they will never be considered a top dog with the X Division. Nah, it's old guys with name recognition like Jim Neidhart. And guys like Jim will be pushed over young talent like Jay Lethal. Jim over Jay. Does it make sense? Not really. Then again, who needs home-grown young talent? More old WWE farts will be sure to come down the pipe. Who can blame these legendary legends? A paycheck is a paycheck. Read this Editorial (w/SPOILERS!)

Yes, TNA can do whatever they damn please with their mission goal. It is up to them to achieve it. But TNA should remember that they have a hardcore loyal fanbase that stuck with them through some really questionable times (TNA at times was failing at the wrestling things
we fans take for granted). TNA should not just be a retirement homefor WWE rejects. It should be much more than that.

Later. Stay cool in yo bunny slippers.

(credit to cache-02.gawkerassets.com, sescoops.com and cdn.bleacherreport.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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