By Sean Radican, Torch columnist

RADICAN’S $5 WRESTLING iPPV REPORT
“A TRAIN WRECK”
JULY 27, 2012
CHARLESTOWN, IND.
AIRED LIVE ON WWNLIVE.COM

Marty DeRosa and Colt Cabana came out to kick of the show in front of a sparse crowd. I wouldn’t have it any other way for $5 wrestling. Jake Manning came out and told DeRosa they were on air right now. They did a restart and Cabana announced they were live on iPPV. DeRosa ran down the wrestlers on the card and promised the crowd they would get their money’s worth. Cabana then turned things over to Mad Man Pondo, who is handling the ring announcing.

1 - - RCW Champion RAIDER ROCK vs. THE AMERICAN IDIOT

This ought to be bad! Rock is wearing face paint and a red singlet. American Idiot is wearing an American flag mask with the Canadian maple leaf on his trunks. Rock applied a horrible looking STFU that DeRosa compared to John Cena’s version of the move. It’s hard to hear Cabana, but DeRosa let us know that these two were setting the tone for what we’re going to see tonight. Rock went for a moonsault, but ended up just kind of falling backwards and landing on Idiot for a 2 count. Rock went up top again and hit a big sloppy clothesline for a one count. Rock applied the crossface and DeRosa wondering if they could call it the crippler cross face. Idiot passed out in the hold and Rock won the match.

Winner: Raider Rock to retain the RCW Championship. This was five stars on the unintentional comedy scale.

Manning interviewed Rock after the match. Rock thanked the fans watching at home. He said he felt awesome. DeRosa said Rock had camel toe and he couldn’t stop looking at it.

I’m just dying here at the spectacle of Time The Baker and Rocky the Exterminator. What a ridiculous gimmick. Little Donnie came out next with a baseball bat and a chair. Rocky exterminated Donnie when he got into the ring.

2 - - ROCKY THE EXTERMINATOR (w/Tim the Baker) vs. LITTLE DONNIE in a NO DQ match

Rocky dominated early after spraying Donnie with pesticide. It’s still hard to hear Cabana, but DeRosa is hilarious talking about Rocky’s manager being mad that he took the pesticide. Little Donnie fired back and hit a DDT on the floor, but there was no ref to count. Donnie went after Rocky with the baseball bat. They had a heck of a brawl on the outside. They ended up back in the ring and Donnie won with a leg drop off the ropes onto a chair on top of Rocky. DeRosa said that’s what you get for having a hardcore match with Little Donnie.

Winner: Little Donnie.

Dr. Blue came out next. He’s wearing a Blue Demon mask with a doctor’s outfit on. Blue danced with some fans as he came to the ring. A really fat guy called Macho Fatness came out rapping Prince Charming Chaz to the ring. Prince Charming Chaz is doing a really bad knockoff of the Macho Man. Fatness called Chaz “Mr. iPPV.” It was actually Chaz rapping to the ring.

3 - - DR. BLUE vs. PRINCE CHARMING CHAZ (w/Macho Fatness) – 2/3 Falls match

Chaz quickly won the first fall with a rollup, only for Dr. Blue to begin working over his leg. DeRosa called Chaz Tank Abbot’s stunt double. I’m almost crying right now. I still can’t hear Cabana. Blue took Chaz down and evened things up at 1 fall each. Blue did some dancing, so Chaz nailed him with an elbow. Blue went back after the leg and Chaz paused before selling his leg. Blue danced around and tossed Chaz into the corner, but ended up missing. Both guys appeared exhausted at this point. Chaz just got down next to Blue and took a long time before applying a crossface. Cabana called the crossface the finisher of the night as Blue tapped out.

Winner: Prince Charming Chaz. A rough night for both men after having to endure a 2/3 Falls match.

After the match, Chaz got on the mic and began rapping again. He dedicated the win to everyone in Baltimore during his rap. Chaz then took a spill while exiting the ring and DeRosa and Cabana laughed saying it was the biggest bump in the match.

Colt Cabana said 2 Tuff Tony and fake Brutus Beefcake were in attendance.

Jesse the Jackhammer said Jesse wanted to tell some racist jokes that he ran by DeRosa before the show. DeRosa said to imagine your racist uncle telling jokes to figure out what Jesse said to them earlier in the evening. Jeff Hart the evil Canadian was out next.

Cabana wondered if Gabe Sapolsky was going to yell at their iPPV. Oh man, I’m dying. DeRosa teased that Hart might also be the American Idiot. Dynamite came down and danced while Hart called out Cabana and DeRosa. This match may or may not be for some sort of championship held by Dynamite. Cabana and DeRosa ended up sharing a mic. Now I can hear them both perfectly.

4 - - JESSE THE JACKHAMMER vs. JEFF HART vs. ECW Champion DYNAMITE – ECW Championship match

I guess Dynamite’s ECW Championship is on the line here. Dynamite and Jackhammer worked over Hart. Cabana said this was a three-way so Dynamite wouldn’t have to do a job. Dynamite ended up on the outside while Hart gingerly worked over Jesse’s legs. DeRosa and Cabana wondered how Freight Train was prepared backstage for his match against U-Gene. Jesse ended up on the outside while Dynamite hit a sloppy suplex on Hart inside the ring and both men were down. DeRosa said Hart and Dynamite have been wrestling on legit wrestling shows lately. DeRosa said Dynamite told him when he looked over in the locker room and saw Muta, he realized he was where he belonged. Cabana dubbed Dynamite the “Blue Tooth Bandit.” Dynamite slumped in the corner and Cabana and DeRosa wondered if he had fallen asleep. Cabana admitted to falling asleep in the ring once as well after a long road trip. Cabana called Jesse Grimace, as he was wearing a purple singlet and limping around in the ring.

Jesse took forever, but ended up lighting up Hart with a huge chop. DeRosa wondered how these wrestling savant’s always did the best chops. Jesse set up Hart for another chop in the corner and nailed him with it. Hart took another big chop and begged off. Time stood still after Dynamite hit a stunner on Hart, but he got his foot on the ropes. Picture the most awkward looking sequence in wrestling ever and you might get an idea of what just transpired here. Hart applied a sloppy sharpshooter on Dynamit and DeRosa said that’s just how Bret taught him. Jesse ended up making the save. Cabana called over some pretty girls and they said they were here to see some wiener. Cabana promised they would see wiener at some point. This is hilarious. Jesse hit a big running awkward splash on Dynamite, but couldn’t make the cover. Hart made the cover on Dynamite, but he kicked out. Dynamite then got the rollup on Hart for the win.

Winner: Dynamite to retain the ECW Championship – This was hilarious.

Manning interviewed Dynamite. He said he enjoyed himself in Indiana. He said he was taking the gold back to where it belongs. DeRosa wondered what Rhino thought of that. Dynamite said whoever he faces next would get the same treatment as his foes got tonight. Manning said they were going to intermission soon, but he wanted to dance with Dynamite. Manning and Dynamite then danced. The dancing involved a lot of pelvic thrusts.

Cabana said JCW announcer Kevin Gill was offering technical support via text before they went to intermission.

Manning introduced Mr. 1859 to come in as guest commentator after intermission. Compton said it’s good to be back on PPV. Compton said the last time he was on PPV he won the WWE Tag Team Championship. Wolfman came out to a chorus of boos. Manning interviewed the Wolfman as Cabana tried to figure out his audio issues. The announcers all huddled around one mic. Wolfman heeled on the crowd. He said he’s one of the greatest professional wrestlers ever created. Wolfman ran down the fans for being fat and out of shape. Cabana said Wolfman could have said all of that in one sentence as he continued to ramble on. Wolfman said he belonged somewhere better than $5 Wrestling. Cabana asked Gill to text him about how they sounded. Manning told him he’d be facing the $5 Sheik.

5 - - THE WOLFMAN vs. The $5 SHEIK

Compton said the Wolfman is 2 months away from an FCW tryout. That was a good one. Cabana said Gill had informed them that sharing the mic sounds fine. They had a passable wrestling match and the crowd chanted “knock it off.” Cabana did Sheik imitations saying Brian Blair don’t want the tip, he want all of it. Alright I’m dying again. Sheiky baby! Compton did a Freight Train imitation saying he’s taken a lot of walks to train for his match with U-Gene. Sheik worked over Wolfman and hit a big slam. Cabana begged them to mess up a move. Some music played and a fake Kamala came to the ring. This guy is huge and there’s a fake Kimchee with him. This just hit 1 million stars. Fake Kamala hit the ring and took out both men for the DQ.

Winner: No contest because of fake Kamala and fake Kimchee. Cabana said he wanted to go into the ring and take a picture with the giant Kamala. Alright he’s called the Giant Kukamunga.

Wolfman cut a promo on Kukumunga after the match. Kukumunga went after fake Kimchee, who managed to enchant him into a dance.

Oh man they’ve got a fake Jake Roberts. He’s got a tiny white bag.

6 - - BIG TIME CHOLO & BUBBALICIOUS & JIMMY THE SNAKE & MACHO FATNESS vs. BIG DONNIE & PORK CHOP CASH & WHITE NEW JACK

DeRosa wondered where Donnie’s penis might be. Compton called Big Donnie one of the biggest dicks in wrestling. Big Time went for a slam on Donnie early, but that wasn’t happening since Donnie is huge. Big Time finally hit a sloppy suplex on Big Donnie. Macho hit a sloppy elbow drop off the top on Donnie for a 2 count. Cash hit a big dropkick as Big Time continued to take a beating. Cabana asked if Subway has $5 Snake Longs. Oh man… Donnie hit a big running splash on Big Time for a 2 count. The announcer said there were five minutes left in the time limit. Big time finally tagged in Jimmy the Snake, who ran wild as Compton said his 8 Ball was kicking in. The crowd went nuts for Jimmy the Snake and chanted “You still got it.” Major laughs for that line. Cash hit Jimmy low and tagged in Donnie. Jimmy fired back on Cash and Donnie and tagged in Bubbalicious, who hit some awful looking punches. Donnie ended up hitting a splash on Bubbalicious. White New Jack then hit a top rope moonsault. The ref went to count and something happened. I guess that was the pin.

After the match, Jimmy ended up hitting DDT’s on everyone.

Winners: Pork Chop Cash & Big Donnie & White New Jack – This was horrible, but the commentary was great.

March Fatness went to shake Jimmy’s hand, but he gave him a short-armed clothesline. I’m dying here. Jimmy hugged Bubbalicious before giving him a DDT as the crowd applauded. Jimmy then went inside his white bag as the crowd chanted “Snake, snake, snake.” Jimmy took out a very small snake and put it on Donnie.

Compton left the commentary booth. Donnie came to the outside and got into a slap battle with Donnie. They started brawling as Cabana tried to break it up.

Pondo introduced the special guest ref for the main event. Pondo introduced George South, who came out in a very unique referee outfit. South came out with his new autobiography available at Highspots.

The challenger, U-Gene came out first with the Hammer. The Hammer was wielding a bat. Cabana said this match was a dream come true. Freight Train came out next to a big pop.

7 - - $5 Wrestling Champion FREIGHT TRAIN vs. U-GENE (w/The Hammer) - $5 Wrestling Title match w/ Special ref George South

The fans were hot for the start of the match. Freight Train drove U-Gene into the corner and he bailed outside. U-Gene yelled at the Hammer on the outside before getting back into the ring. Train took down U-Gene and danced around the ring. U-Gene went for a single leg and Train slowly collapsed. U-Gene went to work on his leg. Train eventually shoved U-Gene to the floor and the crowd seemed split. The fans chanted “BeetleJuice” at South. DeRosa said they were going to do a kickstarter to get Freight Train some real gear instead of his sports authority gear. Train crotched U-Gene up top and shook the ropes as the fans cheered. Cabana said Train was wearing “Starter” short. That brings back some memories from the ‘90s. U-Gene worked a headlock and Train began to fade on the mat, but he got the ropes. The ref didn’t notice him getting the ropes, but finally came to realize that Train in fact had gotten the ropes and forced a break.

U-Gene hit several punches, but Train wouldn’t go down. Train blocked a punch and fired back with some lousy punches that U-Gene sold like HBK when he faced Hogan at SummerSlam. Train went for a running punch, but U-Gene blocked it and Train took a wacky bump. U-Gene set up for a superkick and nailed Train, but only got a 2 count. Cabana said he hopes U-Gene isn’t a Benoit fans given all the crossface finishes we’ve seen on the show. U-Gene hit a pedigree, but Train kicked out again and the fans rallied behind him. U-Gene went for a bulldog, but Train shoved him into the ref. Train hit a chokeslam for a visual pin with the ref down. U-Gene got some powder and tossed it into Train’s face. U-Gene followed with a big punch, but there was still no ref. Another ref ran down, but Train kicked out at two. U-Gene decked the ref and got the bat from Hammer. Hammer put on a ref shirt while U-Gene went to town on Train with the bat. Hammer counted the pin for the apparent victory as Cabana threw peanuts into the ring with DeRosa. The crowd booed U-Gene.

Cabana wondered if this is how the show was going to end. The locker room came out suddenly and prevented U-Gene and Hammer from leaving the building. They pushed him back into the ring. Hammer turned on U-Gene and tossed him into the ring. Train hit a punch on U-Gene for the win.

Winner: Freight Train to retain the $5 Championship – This was a hilarious match that the crowd ate up. Cabana and DeRosa were hilarious again on commentary.

The entire locker room got in the ring and celebrated with Train. Cabana and DeRosa also got into the ring and danced with Train. Manning tried to get some words from Freight Train. Train said this his first time wrestling an old WWE superstar and he wasn’t sure if he was going to win. Manning asked him about getting a win on iPPV. Train thanked the fans for tuning in on iPPV. Train said he was just getting started beating an old WWE superstar. Manning told Freight Train he’s the face of $5 Wrestling. Train did the choo-choo motion to close the show. Cabana molested Macho’s belly to end the show.

Overall thoughts: This was hilarious. They had some mic problems early, but adjusted nicely. This was one of the best $5 Wrestling Shows I’ve seen so far. Cabana and DeRosa are just hilarious and play off the action in the ring. If you want to laugh, order this show now!

***

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