By Tony Batalla, Torch Team Contributor

Live from Houston, Tex.

(1) Christopher Nowinski & Rodney Mack over The Dudleys. Pretty meaningless. Teddy Long momentarily distracted D-Von by asking him how come he always has to get the tables allowing Nowinski to smash Bubba with his metal nose-guard and pick up the pin.

Eric Bischoff and Steve Austin engaged in the first event of the Redneck-Off: A belching contest. There is a reason why nothing besides the "pie-eating contest" was advertised ahead of time. Total waste, with piped in, worked burps. Does somebody find this funny?

(2) Scott Steiner over Test. At least the Test-Stacy-Steiner program should be wrapped up. But, realistically, I wouldn't be surprised to see it continued. Steiner came out to a good pop, but after the worked burps, I really questioned its authenticity. On PPV, Ross and Lawler refused to say the word "whore," referring to it as "that horrible name Test called Stacy on Raw." Match got off to a rough start but they picked it up by the end. Not bad, but not really good either.

Back to the Redneck-Off, Bischoff showed off his strippers from down the street, in hopes of the upcoming pie-eating contest. Well, hope those 2 or 3 buys that thing got are satisfied with that teaser. Austin set up that it would be "his pick." Is Bischoff's character�really that stupid that he wouldn't realize what was coming up?

(3) Booker over Christian via DQ. Bad match. Half way, Christian tried to bail for the count out, so the ref just decided to make up the rules as he went along and let Christian know that he would forfeit the belt if he got himself counted out. I never understood where refs getting off making up the rules mid-match. Anyway, Christian, being a genius, just walked in and cracked Book with the belt for the DQ. Hey, that's exactly what I would have done in his shoes. Stupid refs.

In-ring, Lawler was joined by Bischoff and Austin for the big pie-eating contest. Naturally, Austin brought out, not one of the strippers, but Mae Young. Oh dear. She stripped down to a lingerie bottom.�Bischoff, rather than "be a quitter" according to Austin, decided to go through with it, knowing full well that he still might not even win the event and Austin could have brought out one of the strippers as his own choice.��I guess he really is supposed to be that stupid. Mae gave him a low blow, setting up a horrid bronco buster for the cheap ha-ha, wink-wink, the audience knows its all a work and they're laughing with us, not at us moment. Austin followed by forfeiting the event and gave Mae a pitiful looking Stunner. What was the point? Austin just beat up an 80 year old lady, and proved himself to be "nothing but a quitter." But we should cheer him. The crowd meanwhile, had other things on their mind and basically died off for the remainder of the show, only popping for the babyface spots but acting indifferent towards the heels.

(4) La Resistance over Kane & RVD.�Resistance cut a pre-match promo and bashed Texas for producing "that buffoon, George W. Bush." Ross' blood boiled over and he vowed that his cookbook will never include French fries. I'd love to catch him at McDonalds one day chowing down on some fries. Or go to a Fish-N-Chips joint and refuse the chips. Besides, America invented�the term "French fries." Ross, the entire night, refused to go into overdrive and really added nothing to the show. As for the match, it was fine for a Raw, RVD nailed Kane accidentally with a somersault plancha leading to the double team spinebuster from Resistance for the win.

(5) Goldberg over Jericho. Well, Goldberg had to answer to the half-boos again as he did nothing of note to get the crowd behind him. Jericho tried. Personally, I knew Jericho could comeback from a squash match and, all things considered, it would have been the best option for business here. Naturally, they went like 15:00 with Goldberg selling the majority of the match. Afterwards, Ross said the issue was "unresolved" so this one should continue. Maybe Goldberg will get his squash on Raw some time soon.

Bischoff & Austin landed a Sing-Off as the last contest. Should be so funny.

(6) Ric Flair over Shawn Michaels. Thankfully, I didn't have to throw my TV set from California all the way to Stamford as I said I would in the VIP Forums a while back if Shawn Michaels were to�go over. Instead, Flair one with a chair shot from Randy Orton proving why he is the dirtiest player of all time. Perfect for the context. The match was actually good, but not great. They used a table spot to liven things up, with Shawn doing a nice twisting splash. He hit the Chin Music, just as Orton nailed him while the ref was out. Once again, Ross treated it like a preliminary try out match. His announcing tonight was one of he bigger disappointments on a night filled with them.

Bischoff came out and lip-synched his song. Whatta knee-slapper. Austin admitted he sucked as well and made up the rules declaring that whoever got tossed in the pigpen would be the loser. Austin whooped him around, gave him a Stunner, dragged him to the ramp and tossed Eric into the mud. You know, tossing it into the mud is a metaphor for this entire show.

(7) Triple H over Kevin Nash. The no-blade rule was in effect for everything else, including Flair, so that Triple H, Nash, and Foley could all do good ones here. Triple H pulled out a toolbox and blasted Nash with the tray. A toolbox full of weapons and he used the tray? Seeing the err of his ways, he used a hammer. They also used just about every other weapon in the state of Texas besides automatics to get the match over. Ross "apologized to the viewers at home for the graphic display" while Triple H was doing a weak gouge of Nash with a screwdriver. He should have just cut himself off after "viewers at home." Foley took the best bump of it, flying off the apron with the back of his head cracking into the cage. Later, he took a wicked chair shot. Nash used a snake eyes on the barb-wired bat setting up the Jackknife for a good nearfall. Triple H came right back with a sledge hammer and the pedigree and nobody but nobody kicks out of the pedigree. Better than expected which is like saying pulling out your toe nails with pliers didn't hurt as much as you thought it would. Ross brought nothing.

Overall: 3.5. Well, call me negative. The show went off the air 25 mins. early which resembles a dying ECW PPV. In fact, with the tease of "pie-eating," the dumb comedy, and the overbooked hardcore mess of an HIAC Main, this resembled a dying ECW PPV in more ways than one. The Brand Only PPV, at least I thought, would make room on the card for guys who otherwise never would have been given it. Still, Hurricane, Lance Storm, Goldust, Spike, Rico and all of the women didn't get a spot while Austin-Bischoff were given 25 mins. to�wear out the crowd and the show itself ended nearly a half hour early. The Raw Brand PPV looked a lot like, well,�Raw.

Tony Batalla writes reviews for PWTorch.com and the Torch Newsletter. He can be contacted at: tbatalla@pwtorch.com

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