Mojo Mitchell's Summer Stream of Shooting Raw Except When It Isn't

We start with C.M. Punk in the ring, carrying a megaphone. Turns out he doesn't need it, because they let him have a microphone. He has the balls to say things no one else has the balls to say. He runs down the company and is more of a babyface with every word. He says that Vince McMahon desperately wants to sign him to a long-term contract and is offering him every thing he ever wanted, but all he ever wanted was the microphone in his hands - a pipe bomb for him, nothing much for everyone else. He says the only time WWE gets mainstream attention is either when he talks or a wrestler dies.

He's half right.

C.M. Punk is Howard Beale in Network, yelling I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore.

He suggests he and McMahon have a contract negotiation live on Raw tonight. John Cena comes out. Punk says the first thing he's going to do when he wins the title is change that ugly belt. (Cheers) Punk mocks the idea that McMahon will fire Cena if he loses, saying the last time he got fired he was back in seven days. He's right, but so much for that.

Cena does the best promo of his career in response, strongly making his own case that he's the best wrestler in the world, not Punk. He says everything he needs to say and in exactly the way he should. It's a money promo, and maybe it should have ended the show instead of starting it.

Why the hell is the laptop general manager making John Cena wrestle David Otunga and Michael McGillicutty, the tag champions? Jerry Lawler rightfully wants to know the same thing. Michael Cole says Mr. McMahon, not the GM, is doing this as part of his contract negotiation with Punk. That's ridiculous. Wouldn't McMahon be trying to stop Punk, maybe putting him matches like this instead, after the nasty things he said and his lack of respect for his family and his company?

Michael Cole puts a ton of heat on the WWE Title, saying only 537 men have held it in its fifty-year history, detailing some of its history, and saying if Punk takes it out of the WWE, it would be like someone taking the American flag out of our country.

Okay, that might be a little much. Funny to hear WWE put all this emphasis on the World championship when they've traded the thing around like it's one of the better Ben Ten cards for the past 20 years.

A way over Cena beats the tag champs straight up. No Cena Sucks here.

Dolph Ziggler wants to tell Mr. McMahon to fire both Punk and Cena and promote around Dolph Ziggler and the U.S. Title. Hey, that's how they used to do it in Detroit, San Francisco, and the Carolinas. Ziggler, Vickie, and Drew McIntyre do Mr. McMahon imitations, then exaggerate how badly his breath stinks. Har Har Har. McMahon, of course, walks up and scares them all into submission.

Melina is back. She's sitting on a ringpost making faces at the Bella Twins at ringside. She faces Diva champ Kelly Kelly. Bella Twins ridicule Kelly's weight, her hair, her smell, everything but her alleged promiscuity. Kelly wins. The Bella Twins do the old Lay-Cool double-team on Kelly, until she jumps one of them. The twins beat her up, kind of, until Eve tries to make the save.

The Miz cuts a promo on top of a ladder to hype the Money in the Bank match. He knows how to take the MITB path to the championship. He still has what it takes to be a champion. He's comfortable on the ladder. This is where the future happens. I'm the Miz and I'm...

Jack Swagger interrupts. He also cashed in MITB and became a World champion. Hell, who hasn't?

Evan Bourne cuts a surprising promo, in that it's surprising they let him talk. Kofi Kingston does one of those thankless expository speeches explaining the gimmick, and pointing out that Edge had to retire after competing in too many matches like this. R-Truth reminds everyone he beat the champion John Cena when he threw him through a table a couple of weeks ago, so he shouldn't have to compete here since he should already get a title match. He's got arachnophobia because he's afraid of heights (you know how they are with big words) but then he says there better not be any spiders on the ladders. Cole does that fake laugh because Truth is so dumb.

Alex Riley just wants to fight The Miz and chases him out of the ring. That makes sense. Alberto Del Rio repeats his destiny line for the umpteenth time. This is getting too long and too flat.

The Raw GM wants a match, so Evan Bourne, Alex Riley, and Kofi Kingston face The Miz, Jack Swagger, and R-Truth. Del Rio gets the night off since he's winning the Money in The Bank match. Good match. Kofi takes the beating to set up the hot tag to Alex Riley, who ends up pinning Swagger, then the rest exchange some more spots. Bourne is about to hit his 450 splash when Alberto Del Rio throws him off the top turnbuckle and whacks Riley with a ladder. Del Rio stands triumphant in the ring, even though he didn't even have to wrestle in the match.

Special Pro Wrestling Torch Mini-Quiz: Drew McIntyre & Dolph Ziggler (w/Vickie Guerrero) face Big Show in a handicap match Mr. McMahon made in order to:

A. punish Big Show
B. punish Drew McIntyre
C. punish Dolph Ziggler
D. punish Vickie Guerrero
E. punish Raw viewers

Big Show is mad because Mark Henry kicked his ass and knocked him through that cage wall, so the answer is B and C.

Show crushes them and is about to chokeslam McIntyre off the stage when Mark Henry blindsides him and all three fall onto what looks like a mattress pad covered by a black tarp. Cole says Henry "took it to another level." Ugh.

Mr. McMahon and C.M. Punk are in the ring for the contract negotiation. I wonder how long it takes for the obligatory "red M&Ms" codicil.

McMahon comes out three times before he gets the ovation he wants. The hilarious fact is they don't cheer very much the third time either. Nice suit. He begs for cheers again. He and Doug Williams must have fallen asleep in the tanning bed together.

C'mon, let's get this over with. I've got a plane to catch.

Punk mocks McMahon's walk. Some C.M. Punk chants.

Punk mocks McMahon signature play-by-play call: Whatta maneuver! He's surprised McMahon isn't decked out in all John Cena garb. McMahon claims his contract has everything Punk asked for.

Punk has a new contract with new provisions. He wants his own jet. He wants his face on everything, the Titantron, the turnbuckles...

He wants McMahon to bring back the WWE Ice Cream bars. Big pop. Look at that. I just made you a million bucks in ice cream sales. He wants a movie, you know, Chaperone II, except it will be funny, entertaining and successful. He gets the main event at WrestleMania, Dwayne or no Dwayne. Most of all, he wants an apology from Mr. McMahon.

You apologize to these people for being a hypocrite. You have an anti-bullying campaign and yet you are one of the biggest bullies I've ever met. You will apologize for Colt Cabana and Luke Gallows.

Just calm down. Let's be gentleman and businessmen.

Do we want to be businessmen or do we want to apologize?

Boston wants to hear an apology.

(Little voice) I'm sorry.

What?

I apologize, you son-of-a-bitch!

That's better than three World titles! Vince McMahon just apologized to me.

McMahon goes to sign the contract, but just as he (finally) gets the pen out, John Cena's music hits.

Cena cuts a good, but more typical "entertaining" speech about the two in the ring acting like children. They point at each other. Well, I've been there.

Punk tells off Cena. You think you're the underdog? Your beloved Boston Red Sox think they're the underdogs. The Celtics? The Patriots think they're the underdogs. But Cena, you're the dynasty. You are what you hate! You're the New York Yankees!

Punch. Punk goes down. That was tremendous.

Punk takes the contract to the ramp and tears it up. Cena, I'm glad you punched me. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of you. I'm just tired. Sunday night, say goodbye to the WWE Title. Say goodbye to John Cena. Say goodbye to C.M. Punk. I'll go be the Best in The World somewhere else.

When it was C.M. Punk doing his thing, and John Cena was cutting that direct promo in that first segment, this was great and something that should sell tickets. When it was mucked up with McMahon and all that contract negotiation gaga, then it was the same over-done stuff that tires out more than just C.M. Punk.

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