We start with Mark Cuban. He's a billionaire who's a man of the people. He's large and in charge. He's got a showdown between Sheamus and his "main man, John Cena." What, he doesn't love DX the mostest?

John Cena faces Carlito, one of those negative nellies who are sick of Cena. Jerry Lawler assures us Carlito doesn't speak for the locker room, or, in fact, right-thinking folks anywhere.

Cena is about to AA Carlito when Sheamus walka down the ramp. Tough guy Cuban blocks him from entering the ring. Maybe he doesn't recognize him.

Carlito takes momentary advantage, but the "steadfast" Cena wins anyway, to the delight of some Dallas Mavericks, the Bella twins, and the grinning Cuban at ringside.

Ugh, another three hour show next week.

Ugh, those corny Slammy's, too.

Dennis Miller? Hey, if radio hosts are celebrities maybe we'll get Mark Madden one of these weeks. Can't wait to see WWE Creative write this guy's monologue...

Randy Orton applauds Mark Cuban for taking charge. He doesn't care who wins between Cena and Sheamus. Actually, he should hope Sheamus should win, since there's no ban on him facing Sheamus for the title. Ted DiBiase shows how Orton RKO'd Cuban six years ago at Survivor Series. Anyway, Orton wants the ban lifted and the next title shot.

After seeing that clip again, Cuban surprisingly didn't want to give Orton his way. He makes a match between Orton and Kofi Kingston, and names himself referee.

Cody Rhodes wants an answer to his Dallas Morning News challenge to Cuban, and if he wins, Cuban rescinds Orton's title shot ban. If Cuban wins?

Rhodes doesn't say what he could possibly offer a non-wrestling billionaire.

Cuban says wait until June, after his Dallas Mavericks win the NBA title.

Well, he didn't say which June.

Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase face Evan Bourne & Primo. DiBiase pins Primo.

For their trouble, Cuban has Legacy ejected from the building, presumably so they won't interfere in the Orton-Kingston re-match. Cuban laughably tries to get the fans to sing the "Na Na Na, Hey Hey Hey" song as Legacy leaves.

Smash. Crash, Crunch. Good thing wrestling is fake and all that steel smashing into flesh doesn't really hurt, huh?

They try out Kelly Kelly as a ring announcer. A little screechy.

Maryse faces Gail Kim. Maryse wins. She kicks Kelly's skinny butt for good measure. Our champion Melina chases her off.

Those lovable scamps in DX charmingly plug their fluorescent green crap. Shawn wants to play "Raw vs. Smackdown 2010" on the TV. Triple H says he got one in the mail free, too. He gives Shawn a box with Hornswoggle in it. HS is "illegally" selling a DX/Hornswoggle shirt at WWEshop.

Triple H yells, "Who wrote this crap?"

What the hell is that? That's my job. Do I work WrestleMania main events, pal?

Why isn't Hulk Hogan, or for that matter Ric Flair, doing a World of Warcraft video game and commercial?

Randy Orton faces Kofi Kingston, with Mark Cuban as referee. If WWE is serious about getting Kingston over, he needs to be doing strong promos every week, too. This match is over-exposed. Cuban fast-counts a shocked Orton and Kofi wins. Good to see an NBA owner care so much about the integrity of referees...

The Miz faces Smilin' Mark Henry. Michael Cole points out that next week's Raw celebrity host, Dennis Miller, once hosted the Emmys. What a comedown. Miz retains the U.S. Title.

I'm shocked, shocked at the conspicuous lack of intrigue at a cowardly heel courageously going about against the biggest hero team in the WWE tonight.

Chris Masters is pestering Cuban on the front row.

Hornswoggle & Eve face Chavo Guerrero & Jillian Hall. Masters doesn't like what he see, so he twitches his gyno at Chavo, then locks in the Masterlock. Eve compares breasts.

Chris Jericho touts all the awards he'll win at the Slammies. He's bigger than Raw, Smackdown, the WWE, pretty much everybody but Hulk Hogan. He doesn't even bother complaining about the unfairness of facing DX by himself, even though his character is a chronic complainer.

Chris Jericho faces DX. Jericho should just walk out and deck Mark Cuban if he tries to stop him. Jericho has a better plan. Big Show shows up and Jerishow crushes DX with chairs and ladders.

Mark Cuban moderates the not-a-contract-signing between John Cena and Sheamus. Didn't Governor Ventura do the same thing two weeks ago?

We're apparently getting not one, but two matches between these two at the pay-per-view. If a Table match is so brutal, why does John Cena want an immediate re-match?

God forbid Cena just put Sheamus over and go for revenge next time, or, you know, Sheamus just lose.

Uh oh, Cena is making a speech. God bless America. Sheamus is so inspired by Cena he decks both him and Cuban. Sheamus sets up a table in the corner of the ring.

The Mavs owner gets up after a while and shoves a shocked Sheamus to the ground. Sheamus gets up, low-blows Cuban, and puts him through the table.

A furious Cena wants to fight the departing Sheamus, but you'll have to pay your money Sunday to see that.

A good, maybe effective, end to a dull show.

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