MOJO MITCHELL'S WWE RAW 9/14: Stream of Torture, Pop, (Chavo) Taps, Brawl, and (Batista) Bomb

Randy Orton learned last night what Dick Cheney (in an undisclosed location) never did:

Torture doesn't work.

Oh crap they're still in Canada.

Batista is here to announce a career-changing announcement. He's going to learn how to wrestle.

No, that's not it. He's come back to say goodbye. This is not how he wanted to go out.

Randy Orton interrupts him. Bad move. If Randy had just let things be The Animal would have left stage right. Maybe I'm wrong, but perhaps we haven't seen the last of Batista.

Randy isn't happy about losing the title last night. Fortunately Batista's retirement is cheering him up. He rips Batista for his lack of guts in not coming back months early from his injury and says nobody cares about him.

Batista slyly tells Orton that he's very predictable, slips his big ol' brace off his arm, then blasts him. He announces he's going to Smackdown, but before he goes he went to the tonight's guest host and got her to book him in one last no-holds-barred match with Orton by sleeping with her.

Forty years-old and he's back three months early from a major muscle tear. Hard to predict how that will turn out...

Trish Stratus is out to guest host. Brunette. She looks great.

She's glad to be back. She liked it when Bob Barker almost made Chris Jericho cry. Hmmm...

She casually talks about all this like a normal person, and it just doesn't carry much oomph. She's out of practice wrestling-acting, not that that isn't for the best. She makes the Hell In The Cell re-match between John Cena and Randy Orton for the HC pay-per-view.

Kofi Kingston & Primo face Miz & Jack Swagger in a Superstars rematch. Swagger pins Kingston and Miz steals his U.S. Title belt. Ouch.

Mickie "Pop. Ouch!" James is out to watch Alicia Fox and Gail Kim wrestle for a future shot at her Divas championship. Kim misses a leap from the top turnbuckle so Alicia Fox wins a decent match. Here's a tip: Work on your chops, girl.

Beth Phoenix is upset that she didn't get a title shot from Trish Stratus. Chris Jericho tells Trish he kicked her to the curb years ago. Trish says he's clearly angry because he misses her on all those long, lonely nights. Vince McMahon, I mean Beth Phoenix says Chris Jericho didn't retire to run a yoga studio when new competition arrived; he kept competing.

Trish says she'll get a partner (hey, where's Rock filming these days?) to go up against Phoenix and Jericho.

Cody Rhodes wants to know if you're ready...to welcome the dawning of a new era in WWE. The Legacy made DX submit and tap out, unlike the Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Undertaker, The McMahons, and Team Rated RKO.

DX heads to the ring. Nice work in that promo admitting that no one ever fought them as hard as The Legacy. Okay, I made that up.

Ted DiBiase returns the favor to Shawn Michaels to immediately blunt what happened last night. The Canadian fans remind Shawn Michaels that he screwed Bret.

Oops, I was wrong. DiBiase didn't return the favor. Cody Rhodes finally jumps a tired-looking Michaels as he's getting ready to tune up the band. DX and The Legacy have another big brawl.

Evan Bourne & Hornswoggle face Chavo Guerrero & Carlito. Michael Cole notes it's the first time HS & Bourne have ever teamed together. Carlito & Chavo are kind of rough on Evan Bourne for a comedy match. Hornswoggle blows some green apple into Chavo's face, then pins him with a Tadpole Splash.

Jerry Lawler says Chavo needs to find a new feud. Chavo agrees, and tells HS he gives up. I tell the TV I give up too.

John Cena promises universal health care for the WWE Universe.

Cole and Lawler announce that The Legacy and The DX will also have a re-match inside Hell in The Cell.

Trish Stratus & ? face Chris Jericho & Beth Phoenix. ? turns out to be MVP. Big Show attacks MVP from outside the ring for the DQ. Mark Henry makes the save. Trish Stratus rejects the DQ and makes the match a six-person tag, so I guess the MVP/Mark Henry challenge for the tag titles continues.

The fans are way into Trish's spots with Phoenix and she pins her with the Stratusfaction. Trish looked fine in her return.

Cedric the Entertainer is guest host next week. I've always liked him. We'll see whether he translates to WWE.

Randy Orton faces Batista. Why is Batista leaving for Smackdown after Orton broke his arm again? Chicken?

Nah, the chicken is Randy Orton, who runs away after a few minutes of typical action between these two. Our new champ John Cena throws Orton back into the ring and Batista powerbombs him for the win.

Overall score (6.0)

Trish Stratus had a decent night as Raw guest host. She was treated for the most part with respect and looked just fine in the ring. The Legacy didn't just give their win immediately back to DX, but Triple H and Shawn Michaels need to put them over on the mic too. Batista's story in out-smarting and getting Randy Orton in the ring for revenge was basic good story-telling, but his early return from rehabbing his injury is a foolish risk.

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