MOJO MITCHELL'S WWE RAW 8/17: Stream of Live From St. Louis, It's Monday Night Raw, and You'd Never Guess Who's Ready

Remember when Saturday Night Live was good?

We start with tonight's Raw host (and former WWE writer) Freddie Prinze, Jr. I wonder if he's going to do his bit about the Chihuahuas bobbing their heads up and down in the back of the car.

Prinze was a big WWF fan back in the eighties, eating the ice cream bars and watching the Coliseum Home Videos, so you know he doesn't know anything about good wrestling.

He's going to give away Summerslam tonight. Well sorta. He makes some generic announcements, then the killer from I Know What You Did Last Summer comes down the aisle. (Thanks, Jerry.)

Actually, it's Santino Marella. He wrote a screenplay. Nobody wants to be in wrestling anymore. Morella auditions for a romantic comedy.

This is okay, but they need a house band.

Marella auditions for 24. Prinze tells him to go rehearse for, like, the next two hours.

Randy Orton comes out. Summerslam is six days away, so he doesn't feel like competing tonight. He's got good sense.

Prinze reminds Orton this is his hometown. Orton is not here to please these people. "This about me."

"Take me out of this match."

Prinze butches up and tells Orton he will team up with John Cena to face Chris Jericho and the Big Show tonight. Orton breaks Prinze's neck. The crowd chants RKO, then some of them boo. The EMTs drag Prinze out by the ankles.

Stephanie McMahon appears. She fires Randy Orton for breaking the neck of one of the celebrity Raw guest hosts who mean so much to the ratings.

Okay, no she doesn't.

Kofi Kingston defends the U.S. Title against Carlito (w/ Rosa Mendes). Michael Cole says Kingston already beat Carlito once in a title defense, so Carlito may be winning. Carlito is working a little here. Nope, I was wrong, Kofi wins with the Trouble in Paradise.

It's DX Greatest Hits. There's a couple of shots where some man with black hair is standing next to the two of them. Also, Mike Tyson was the third member.

Cole and Lawler are having such a great time tonight.

The Miz is in the ring. He's got new look – same mouth. He's on a quest to become the new U.S. champion. He faces Evan Bourne, another hometown boy. Miz wins a good match.

DX are so great, it's like they don't even need opponents to be the main event at Summerslam. They arrive in a white limo with green DX tats. Triple H has to make HBK get out of the car like it's the first day of school.

Jillian Hall sings the DX theme for them until HBK dumps a garbage can on them.

Santino is rehearsing still. HBK superkicks him.

DX arrives in the ring. They're selling those green fluorescent sticks. After several minutes, Triple H and HBK are happy to be there.

Triple H starts that Are You Ready stuff when a couple of spoilsports ruin the fun. Jerry Lawler identifies the two as Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase, members of a rival group called Legacy. They kick DX's ass Horsemen style, with a little Terry Gordy taking his boot off and whacking them in the head to go along with it. HBK might have the right idea with that short order cook thing.

Well they, for one, are ready.

Mickie James faces Gail Kim. It's okay until a strange block by Kim, followed by awkward forearm by James for the pin.

Josh Matthews is in the back with John Cena. He makes a speech about WWE champion Randy Orton. Cena didn't even notice that Randy Orton broke Freddie Prinze's neck. He's pretty funny, though.

After Summerslam, the Champ is here.

Soft-spoken, mean Chris Jericho says Cena has a Giant problem. The Giant agrees.

That weird Vince McMahon tribute to Monk airs again. McMahon clearly has never heard of him, even though the show has been on for nine years.

MVP faces Jack Swagger. First Swagger beats MVP up so bad he gets DQed, then MVP jumps up and beats him up back.

Prinze is back and he's going out there. Seriously, this guy is a movie star?

Hornswoggle faces Chavo Guerrero in a Falls Count Anywhere match. How many times does Hornswoggle have to beat this guy? Hasn't he earned a title match by now?

The St. Louis fans entertain themselves with a Let's Go Blues chant until Chavo opens a door and gets knocked out by a flying paint can on a rope. HS pins him.

Smilin' Mark Henry didn't do it.

The Home Alone kid did. Really. That was cute.

Floyd Mayweather is next week's Raw Guest Host. Was he on that Variety list?

Chris Jericho & Big Show against Randy Orton & John Cena.

Butch Prinze makes this a lumberjack match and hand-picks babyfaces to be the lumberjacks, Seriously, this guy is a movie star? Really? Orton takes a beating from everyone concerned. Maybe the idea is Orton will then be easy picking for Cena at Summerslam. Cena finally gets in and kicks butt. He pins Jericho with an Attitude Adjustment.

Orton, of course, immediately RKOs him. Jericho and Show pile on. The good guy lumberjacks jump in. That distraction allows Cena to make his own save.

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