By Bruce Mitchell, PWTorch columnist

We start with Santino Morella and the Glamazon. Santino has a secret about Santa Claus. Even Glam doesn't want him to give up that secret, but he tells her to shut up.

Every kid's best friend, John Cena, saves the day and won't let him tell. (I had that exact same conversation with a 3rd grader last week, and in the exact same way.) Santino challenges him (calling Cena "Chena" in his fake Italian accent, cracking him up) to get a partner and face Glamourella. Cena nods to Goldust, who wants a shot at Santino, but Santino says the partner must have ovaries. Goldust apparently doesn't.

Kane comes to the ring for his match, accompanied by his sexual harassment victim Kelly Kelly. He "apologizes" to her for kidnapping and intimidating her, only he doesn't mean it.

Michael Cole explains the rules Stephanie McMahon laid out last week for what Jerry Lawler dubs "The Race To The Rumble." I wasn't listening this week, either.

Kane loses to The Heartbroke Kid, Shawn Michaels. Cole and Lawler go on and on about how sorry they feel for HBK.

WWE recaps Batista's injury from getting kicked in the head. Beats doing a job.

Kofi Kingston beats Manu (w/Cody Rhodes.) The guy can get up, I'll give him that.

John Cena chooses Kelly Kelly as his partner against Glamarella. It can't be because he's seen her wrestle, so apparently he's cock-blocking Kane.

Sim Snuka wants to join Legacy. Randy Orton, irritated that Manu lost, says maybe they could use a new member.

A depressed Heartbroke Kid joins Triple X in the Degeneration X merchandise plug. Oh wait, it's the same one from last week. I hate when those pro wrestlers fake-fight.

C.M. Punk and Shawn Michaels are chatting when Triple H comes up to them. He wants to talk. He wants Michaels to know that he could have come to him for financial help. Michaels says he didn't want to ruin the friendship. (Wasn't this an episode of Seinfeld?) Michaels says he knows what he's doing, then looks sad.

Jillian Hall sings a carol in a British accent, because she's teaming with Layla, against Mickie James & Melina. What a great babyface that Melina is. William Regal, at ringside, says in three years WWE will put out a DVD on the history of his IC Title reign, and it'll be the biggest selling DVD in WWE history. It's good to have goals. Melina pins Jillian.

Rey Mysterio faces JBL. It's about time Shawn Michaels came to help out his employer. Rey and JBL look ridiculous in the ring together. JBL beats on Rey for a good while, the Rey makes his comeback. Rey hits a DDT and gets a two count on JBL. He goes for a 619, but Shawn Michaels pulls JBL out of the way, then makes sure ref is watching, and slaps JBL across the face so the ref will DQ Rey for outside interference.

Shouldn't the ref DQ JBL instead, since Michaels helped him first by pulling him out of the way of the 619?

Randy Orton faces Batista. I thought he was injured. He was. Orton gets the win because Batista doesn't appear. Okay, this is stupid. Orton deliberately injures the guy, WWE doesn't fine him, suspend him, or do boo about it. Instead they book a match between the two, never check with the guy who got his skull kicked in to see if he will make the match, and award the match to the guy who kicked his skull in.

On the other hand Randy Orton cuts a hell of a heel promo on the guy. "Christmas came early." It's so good the crowd chants RKO on his honor. Okay, maybe it's not so effective after all.

Now Miz is mad at poor Kelly. Okay. He has reason. He wants to know who she's... anyway, someone trashed her hotel room. Time to call the police.

Chris Jericho faces C.M. Punk in the Race to The Rumble. Pretty good match so far.

Proof the economy is bad: The first ever cheapo 800 number male enhancement commercial airs because the local cable couldn't sell an ad.

The Toronto fans sing "Oh Canada" in favor of their local hero. It doesn't faze Jericho in the slightest. The noise makes for a great backdrop. Jericho reverses the Go To Sleep into the Walls of Jericho and the fans go crazy with glee. If he taps, its Boxing Day.

Punk finally gets out. Boo!

Jericho hits the Codebreaker for the clean win. Yay!

Kelly has to go to the hotel room (I hope that doesn't mean Kane is waiting there to rape, I mean, confront her.) so John Cena is left along to face Glamarella!

Oh yeah, never mind.

By the way, that's our main event.

Glamourella face John Cena & someone. Who could it be? Some new Diva is waving a sign at ringside for Beth Phoenix. Santino is about to give away the Santa Secret when John Cena's music hits. Cena points out Santa at ringside.

Santa has a present for John Cena: a partner.

Trish Stratus.

Okay, that's pretty cool. I see why this is the main event now. Stratus looks great, like the time in retirement agrees with her. The crowd loves the Trish-Beth Phoenix stuff. Cena pins Santino for the win. Fun stuff.

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