By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“It’s all good news now
Because we left the taps
Running
For a hundred years”
-“Pirate Jet” by Gorillaz

-“At WWE Summerslam, it’s gonna be an event like none other. One’s a rising athlete, while the other claims he’s the true champion. On August 14, the controversy will be settled. Joey Chestnut and Kobayashi of Major League Eating engage in the most exciting hot dog eating contest of all time! But, if Mark Henry has his way, they won’t ever be able to swallow food again. Order now!”




Nope, not a chance the above scenario is gonna happen. Although I think it should. After all, WWE and MLE are two sports with finely0tuned stars. No, most likely you’re gonna get John Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio superstar'ing it up, but Johnny boy’s got to deal with...Vince McMahon.

It looks like they’re setting things up for Cena to join the ranks of Austin/Rock/Triple H/Undertaker/Bret/Stephanie/The U.S. Congress (you get the idea) vs. Vince. And truth be told, at this point, Alberto Del Rio could use a more ‘oomph’ to his character. People are snoozing during his promos. So, a scenario where Vince gets tired of Cena because of his top star's abandonment issues (he cries into his pillow every night, saying, “Hogan! Why, Hogan, why?”) and picks Al as his new personal meal ticket, ready to pillage the international markets.

What’s noticeable about the Punk scenario is that fans don’t know how it will turn out. WWE wasn’t ashamed to set up Cena as a rebel and a defender for free speech over the cold tyranny of nutless Vince McMahon. Nobody for a second believes the prospect of Cena getting fired. It’s pretty much understood that a bone has to be sticking out of Cena’s body before they take him off television. The point of that “Yer firreeedd” stipulation was to portray Cena as a cool rebel: he’s just within a breath of getting canned. So expect to see the script of “12 Rounds 2” on Raw the next few months.

The whole “#1 contender’s battle” did leave room for the notion Punk to truly leave WWE and WWE starts the ball rollin’ on Cena-Alberto Del Rio.

Meanwhile, Punk uses a homophobic slur at a house show and things aren’t looking too good for those wishing that Punk will win at the PPV. GLAAD is on WWE like stink to a dog, as they should be.

In the back of your mind, you’re hoping that all of this is a work, that WWE is setting fans up for a big “gotcha!” moment. But, it’s not looking too good at the moment. C.M. Punk is the hottest heel right now. I cannot wait 'til he gets on the mic, because who knows what’s he’s gonna say? Will they even allow him to speak? Cut out his mic? It isn’t often that WWE goes for an “outsider rebel” character on WWE programming. I’m hoping for a big shock, but I’m also preparing myself for a letdown (the Cena vs. Vince route and Punk leaves).

One of my favorite moments of the last Raw was when Vince was talking about all of the stuff WWE shucks out and how C.M. Punk wanted his face plastered on them. “Cups...magazines...all that crap." So, it’s all crap, which is really the ringing endorsement of that new “Cage Match” DVD is toting out.




I bought the Ladder/Hell In The Cell 3-disc megathons, but three discs of chicken wire matches? Nope. I’m interested in that upcoming “HBK/Bret Hart discuss the Montreal Screwjob” DVD, though. Or, is that crap, too?

Alex Riley’s theme song includes the opening line of “Say it to my face!” So full of petchulant teenage rage. He looks like a star, and has an intense feud with The Miz, but let’s face it, he’s also pretty lucky as well. He hasn’t been slumming with Jack “Everlasting Sadness” Swagger for over a year. The question arises is if it’s really the work of the Superstar or the way he’s portrayed and the angle he’s in that gets them over. No matter the case, Riley is most-likely the breakout star of Raw in 2011. It’s not Evan Bourne, the twat who sucks up to the fella who committed treason and wears a girdle.

A mild question: Will the New Nexus be turned into…The Zack Pack?




Woo Woo Woo - you now know it?

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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