By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

Turning on my car radio this morning, what was the first voice I heard? Hulk Hogan urging me to check out rent-a-center with Troy Aikman, brother.

After this happened, brothers, I ponder this to you: how much pull does Hulk Hogan have? He's not the 2005 Hulk Hogan, where he had a popular reality show "Hogan Knows Best" on VH1. It's 2010. It's pretty much over for the Hulkster. Time to let the young pups rise up and take over. Right? People were saying this back in 1999.

Psst. Yo, brother. Did you know that Hulk Hogan is back and he's wrestling today? TNA has been blaring it out. "Hogan's gonna wrestle!" Heck, there's probably an ad sitting right next to this absurdity article promoting that fact. And that's the main draw for watching Impact tonight apparently: Hogan is going to wrestle. You'll gladly fall for this ratings grab because, my goodness, it's freaking Hulk Hogan. That's all it takes.

Yup, Jeff Jarrett was right; the talent in TNA wouldn't even fill a coffee cup. Least that's the impression I get from TNA.

-Apparently the first 5-10 minutes of Impact will make all those TNA haters immediately get down on their knees and beg forgiveness. Hey, seeing RVD in TNA would make me happier than a pig in you-know-what. That is, until RVD gets "TNA'ed up."

-Some fans were peeved that the last Impact was seen as a dud. Forgoing any sort of PPV buildup (is there a PPV coming up? I can't tell), you would have thought TNA would have pumped up March 8 with as much enthusiasm as they pumped up January 4. Nope, didn't happen.

So what are the reasons why you, dear wrestling fan, will check out TNA Impact tonight?

(1) You'll watch to see how much A.J. Styles sells for Hogan (I'm guessing Styles is under very strict orders not to "Shawn Michaels Super Sell" it).

(2) You'll light some candles, rub your lucky rabbit's foot, and hope that guys like RVD, Jeff Hardy, and Sting come by to save us all.

(3) Jeff Jarrett becoming a popcorn vendor and becoming the best damn popcorn vendor there ever was.

(4) Three skits of Mick Foley balancing a book on his head and complaining about getting up from his seat.

(5) Bischoff will have a different color T-shirt on underneath this trademark leather jacket (I'll go with ... a vibrant blue) and he'll make another lame "WWE stinks! XFL stunk! Celebrity guest hosts stink! I'm not petty! Wahhhhh" remark.

-Speaking about Jeff Hardy...

Jeff: Dude. I told you that I can't even wrestle. I got a court date coming up. I can't work for you.

TNA: It doesn't matter! On Impact, it matters not what the characters are doing, it just matters that the characters are there! We'll film you drawing art again, like last time! Have you whack another useless X Divisioner with a chair! Then we'll bring you in July! Don't worry about it!

-Maybe it's too much to ask for a "fun" match on Impact. I'm not talking hokey comedy matches. I'm not even talking a typical TNA match, which consists of wrestlers doing spots until the four minute clock timer goes off (ding) and TNA discards what happened in the match with a storyline advancement bit.

No, what I mean by a "fun" match is a Luke Gallows vs. Rey Mysterio from the last Smackdown type of match - a match that is enjoyable and is easy to get into. Many times on Impact, the feeling is that the wrestling matches are court-ordered by a judge and TNA is glumly paying out their dues. (Russo: "I don't get it! Whaddya mean that wasn't a wrestling match! Those guys were doing...stuff! What's this new order? At least 1200 seconds of "meaningful" wrestling for every show? You killin me! Killin me!")

People have been dissecting TNA for years now with the precision of sledgehammers and surgical knives. They've ranted, they analyzed, they have discussed, and they have broken down and cried. And it boils down to tonight. If TNA is serious about becoming "the #1 wrestling company," then we shouldn't see such a sad ratings slump like what TNA experienced ever since the Jan. 4 fever died down. I'll take a respectable month of ratings after WrestleMania (since WWE is cookin' with gas right now) and an honorable PPV (you know, the one after "Destination Nowhere").

-Speaking about the future, Stone Cold is going to be guest hosting Raw next week. To me, this is the opportunity to salvage the Vince McMahon-Bret Hart angle. They shouldn't do anything this week, since the angle is over-exposed. I've seen a bit too much of crazy old Vince. I've seen a bit too much of cranky, unlikeable Bret Hart. I've felt my eagerness for this feud quickly die, like when you realize one day that you been watching guys fake fighting each other in their underwear.

Raw next week could go like this: Stone Cold talking about his infamous match with Bret Hart at WrestleMania 13, Bret coming out and confronting Stone Cold, Austin telling Bret to nut up and fight Vince, Bret agrees, and then Batista comes out and beats up both men until Cena comes out. And then they all eat Lucky Charms and Stone Cold whips out a guitar and he starts singing a Kesha song and...

Nah. That's too absurd. Catch y'all tonight.

(credit to latenightwithjimmyfallon.com and i153.photobucket.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com. Follow me on facebook - facebook.com/ShaneMcKinley88.

We suggest these recent related articles...

10/5 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Natalya vs. Paige, Owens vs. Cara, Stephanie McMahon, Sasha Banks, Xavier Woods

COLLECTIBLES COLUMN: The History of Foam Hands in Pro Wrestling

9/28 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Kane's Split Personality, Divas Revolution, Heyman & Big Show, Reigns vs. Wyatt