By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"One more chance to write the book,
And one more chance to take the stage,
One more chance to set the hook,
And one more chance to turn the pages,
One more chance to get it right"
-"One More Chance" by Saliva

-Impact blasts off with...the same first segment we saw last week with Slick Ric, honorable Hogan, a young heel Randy Orton, and a big goofy clown. Ric Flair is pooped out, with all of the incoherent insane ramblings and women trying to kill him. The four horsemen of the '80s and the '10s laid down the law boringly.

Did I just hear "Abyssmania?" Groan.

-Desmond Wolfe, relieved that he doesn't have Tomko's job, spews some baloney about Chelsea wanting Hogan's WWE HOF ring. Hell, TNA's Don West is selling legit WWE HOF rings.

-Jeff Jarrett's comeback is largely an awful affair, but at least we get to see Jarrett in demeaning roles. If it isn't Jarrett vs. Bischoff at the PPV, then I'm not interested in this.

-Nice four-way tag team match with TNA's top tag teams. Good thing it was short, because I needed that Mick Foley's Etiquette School bit like another blast of Hornswoggle's Lucky Charms. Although to be fair, the Foley comedy bit was very easy to swallow. Pointless? Sure. But hey, at least Mick got to pump up his book. And that stuffy babe teaching Mick about manners wasn't half bad either.

You see, WWE, TNA didn't have their writers smoke meth and stay up all night thinking up those annoying "sugar rush" comedy bits (I can't imagine the sacrifice the DX-Little People Court skit took).

-The British Invasion is still around, apparently. X Division Champion Doug Williams eats a loss to the Human Balloon. New Jersey Nets tickets are of more worth than the X Division Belt right now.

-Mr. Anderson, who got fired for being reckless with John Cena and Randy Orton and has the "injury-prone" tag on him, cuts a promo on Kurt Angle for being injury-prone. Kurt Angle comes to the ring and they play fight. Unless Anderson going to something shocking to the military, this storyline is just about done.

-Want to know how much TNA cares about TV ratings? I go around saying "March 8" to myself all day long. Like most fans, I have zero idea when TNA's next PPV is coming up.

-You know, Abyss can cut a promo. He can handle himself and certainly there are worse promo guys. I just don't like it when he starts shrieking and clapping his hands like an idiot. And every time Abyss looks down at his Hogan ring I'm thinking that Captain Planet is gonna bust through the wall. Captain Planet he's our hero gonna...I better stop here before I give them their next "Suicide" character.

-The Beautiful People do a recreation of "Roots." I hope that blonde bimbo gets revenge on those other bimbos so that she can continue on her bimbo ways. Bimbo Edge Society yo.

-Gee, TNA, I don't see heel WWE champion Batista pimping some baseball video game, but I saw your World champion A.J. Styles doing it. The character of Styles is portrayed as banging hotties and living the high life, but now he makes time to play a video game. Maybe I'll see Styles and Ric Flair at a local Gamestop. Whoo!

I can imagine Batista sitting inside a dark room pistol-whipping some poor fool, not pimping some video game his company told him to push. I know that TNA can't refuse to pimp an outside deal (5 Hour Stacker Energy Drink, anyone?) but did they have to use their "top heel" A.J. Styles?

-- Bubba the Love Sponge pumps up Hogan. Get used to it, folks: as of right now, Hogan and company view Hulk Hogan returning to the ring as THE biggest thing in TNA right now. Who can blame them? It's their main weapon to make a great first impression on Monday Night (RVD and Sting showing up wouldn't hurt either), which is a sad commentary.

However, do I personally care about Hogan vs. Flair? No. Why?

The question: Know what can instill fear and totally dominate Hogan right now?
The answer: A downward slope.

-I thought the Foley etiquette comedy was a bit amusing, but man, I sure laughed my ass off when TNA had the balls to have the following on-screen graphic:

"Next Monday Night, Eric Young and Kevin Nash will have comments on "The Band."

OMG! OMG! They will talk about it! Because these four guys boringly fighting each other in a dead-stiff storyline would just blow our minds! I gotta tune in! What will they say? I can't imagine what they'll say! Um, maybe they'll say something like, "Hall and Waltman, we were buddies back in 1897. But now I don't like you! Wah! Let's fight!"

Hopefully TNA will hit me with some random surprise. (Heck, I'll take Sting, the fake Sting, or the musician Sting at this point.) This Nash-Young-The Band storyline is scummy, disgusting mold that won't come off your bathroom tile. So what if Nash-young beat up the Band, or those two old NWO guys beat you up? How far does one's head have to be up their own backside to think that the majority of people care about these four unlikeable clowns? Or that it should get all of this attention paid to it? This storyline has the "Nash Stink" wafting over it.

You, out there in Internet land, raise your hand (yes, I can see you) if you as a TNA viewer honestly believe that the "Nash-Young talk about the Band Monday Night teaser" was an effective and believable bit. I'm on the "this s--- was friggin hilarious" camp.

-Oh geez, TNA expects us to all believe that Jeff Jarrett isn't seen as some ancient relic in this comeback storyline. He's the TNA founder! He's flipping burgers and mopping floors!

-This Impact was a comforting bedtime story. Put people right to sleep. Nothing too horrendously bad though, but Impact was coasting to Monday Night. It was better paced, though, compared to last week's talkathon. Here's hoping that TNA brings in some new faces March 8, because as right now the majority of storylines have hit their peak and the insipid ones keep chugging alone obliviously. I would have thought the final Impact on Thursday nights would have been a balls out affair, but it didn't turn out that way.

That's it for me. Thanks, Sean Morley, for becoming a TNA comedy joke. You almost reached Cute Kip status in nearly a month.

(credit to z.about.com, farm3.static.flickr.com, and kupywrestlingwallpapers.info for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com. Follow me on facebook - facebook.com/ShaneMcKinley88.

We suggest these recent related articles...

10/5 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Natalya vs. Paige, Owens vs. Cara, Stephanie McMahon, Sasha Banks, Xavier Woods

COLLECTIBLES COLUMN: The History of Foam Hands in Pro Wrestling

9/28 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Kane's Split Personality, Divas Revolution, Heyman & Big Show, Reigns vs. Wyatt