By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

-In the opening video package, TNA boasted that their last PPV was damn great. If you don't believe, then you're obviously a friggin idiot. They even put up Jason Powell's line about the Styles vs. Daniels vs. Joe being the best TNA PPV main event of the year. From now on, I'm going to subtly slurp TNA so that one day my dream of earning money by criticizing strangers comes true:

-"TNA is better than sex and eating ding dongs combined!" - Shane McKinley

-"Dixie Carter is a hot cougar! Grrrr!" - Shane McKinley

-"I'm going to stop watching all other television programming because Hogan's coming!" - Shane McKinley

-"Kevin Nash's work isn't at all depressing!" - Shane McKinley

-"I wetted myself from sheer enjoyment after watching a hour of Mick Foley/Abyss vs. Stevie/Raven buildup!" - Shane McKinley

-"Jesse Neal FTW!" - Shane McKinley

-The first time I saw "extremezzz" Jesse Neal with his "created wrestler gone wrong" look of a mohawk and Mr. T beard, I thought, "Man, Tomko really let himself go." But nope, it's Jesse Neal. It's sad that he's going have to eat some steel chair shots before fans accept him. Is he just going to be the fall guy for Team Hardcore?

-You know how you drink Christmas eggnog and it gives you that warm feeling? I felt that warm feeling when I saw TNA convey to viewers that Jesse Neal was bigger than Hernandez and Matt Morgan. Dang, Super Mex and Morgan. It's chumptastic what TNA did to them. We had a sense that this would happen to them. You know. We had hope.

-I dressed up like Hulk Hogan for Halloween and instead of giving me candy, people immediately shoved money into my hands. "Hulk Hogan! You're the best! Here's all the money I have!"

While looking to buy "Thunder in Paradise 3," this was one of the customer reviews: "I worship Hogan. Hogan is my God." Sarcasm? Or a scary truth?

Whatever. Hogan saved us from Saddam. It's true.

-While waiting urgently for the next Hulk Hogan slurping, I was treated to Impact gems like "watch Abyss use all of his cunning to lock Foley in with a table" and "watch Foley use that time to work on his joke material." Like this one:

"Hey, who does TNA think is really, really dumb?"
"I don't know. Who does TNA think is really, really dumb?"
"You guys! Ho ho ho. Ha ha ha"

Foley could have called security to help him, but maybe the extremely intelligent Abyss also cut the phone lines (maybe he chewed through them like a rat). Maybe Mick Foley could have crawled in the ventilation shaft like John McClane in Die Hard but he's way too husky for that. Maybe Foley could have opened the door because office doors open inward, not outward. Whatever. Who cares anyway? Foley can't save his buddy Abyss. And TNA was committed to shoving a month's work of a PPV match buildup into one show. At the start of the show I was willing to accept. At the end I was turned off.

-TNA spent an hour of television time pumping up a garbage feud for their garbage PPV match. This mid-card muck seemed to get more air time than the air time of world champion A.J. Styles and Kurt Angle. What the hell?

But hey, at least everybody's having fun. Loved Raven using the Eric Cartman line of "authoritah." Everybody's having fun. That's what I'm interested in. Raven and Foley cracking jokes while cracking each other on the head with cookie sheets.

"Hey, did you hear that Lauren got fired from her job at the Sperm Bank?"
"Yeah. They caught her drinking on the job!"
WHAP

-Speaking about babies, I think ODB and Homicide were speaking in baby talk. They were talking about something. Look, we all get it that they are actively trying to have a stupid-ass segment. But, make some money off of it. Promote a DVD, a book, TNA underwear, anything. I
don't think "Boy, I better pay attention to these guys" after watching ODB and Homicide fall down skunk drunk. Congrats, you sloshed sacks. You are awarded the weekly "Guh?" Impact award. You must be so proud.

-I do believe somebody was skunk drunk when they had X Division champion Amazing Red square off against Scott Steiner. He should be nicknamed "Puny Red," not "Amazing Red." Way to protect him. "Well, we're giving Red a rub by being with a big boy." Sure. It's too bad
that you conveyed to the fans that they should care more about the Steiner-Lashley feud. Or how loud Red's manager Don West can yell. After tonight, Red looked to be good for flossing my teeth.

-I have no idea why Nash is talking about how his father died around age 68. But The Nash does what the Nash wants. Nash-Styles? Good. Nash-Joe? Bad. Nash-Young? Jury's still out.

I just wish he didn't make me feel guilty for breathing during his promos. "Whenever you're feeling blue, call Kevin Nash and he'll make you feel even worse ooh woo...Kevin Nash shouldn't be a suicide hotline operator ooh woo...'Shut up,' I make way more money
than you" ooh woo...Nash, he makes me feel good, Nash, he takes away my blues, when I'm tired of TNA dung, he then joins Eric Young ooh woo."

-If I was watching NBA basketball and a player was choking LeBron James with his own jersey, and they went to a commercial break, needless to say, this would have been breaking news. On TNA, it's like somebody getting a new cup of coffee. Didn't you hear? Lauren just got kidnapped about an hour ago.

-The main event featured the "best technical wrestlers in the world today" with heavy emphasis on the word "wrestlers". TNA's calling card might be that WWE features "performers." I enjoyed Daniels, Styles, Angle, and Wolfe's work in this one. The problem with the show was that just getting to the main event felt like a slow slog through a swamp.

-Can the inclusion of Hogan really fix the flaws in TNA's product? We really don't know. All we know is that he is saying he will bring in a lot more eyeballs. And sometimes that's all you really need. You best believe that Raw's often-lame "guest host" bit that gets higher ratings than usual did lead to USA network picking up Raw again.

Respect Raven's authoritah!

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com For all of you PS3 owners of Smackdown vs. Raw 2010, check out my Raven created wrestler. Type in the search words "Raven," "Absurd," and "McKinley." It's the bestest thing ever.

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