By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"I might get rich you know I might get busted
But my heart keeps calling me backwards
As I get on the 707
Ridin high I got tears in my eyes
You know you got to go through hell
Before you get to heaven"
-"Jet Airliner" by Steve Miller Band

-Smackdown: They had it. They lost it. How to get it back? Why, more Vince McMahon.

A beaten Teddy Long that was snatched from Undertaker tells C.M. Punk that the Devil's Gate submission hold is now legal. See kids? Kidnapping can lead to positive results. Kidnapping happens all the time in wrestling. It's like a surprise sleepover!

They didn't want to give a submission victory to Punk over Undertaker, so they cooked up the Montreal Screwjob incident. The most likely option of this whole thing is that this mystery will go away. Unless...

It's the way for Bret Hart to enter the WWE. Bret Hart left the WWE with the Montreal Incident. Can you imagine if he was the one who conspired with C.M. Punk and the ref to make sure that Undertaker didn't gain the championship?

Yes, the above is pure fantasy. But I can picture Bret Hart having the same "straight-edge" vibe to his protege C.M. Punk. He's a cranky delusional veteran who believes he's better than everybody else. I'm on the camp that Bret Hart should come back to the WWE. The lasting memory of Bret Hart should not be in a NWO shirt. The final nail in the coffin should not be him getting injured by Goldberg. I say bring him back.

Why? Time heals all wounds. Admit it, the first time you've heard about "The Screwjob," most likely you felt that Vince was an evil sumabitch who screwed poor Bret. But the more you read into it, the more evidence there was that Bret was also a delusional, stubborn asshole and it could be argued Vince was trying to protect his business, his commodity, his bottom line. Sometimes right decisions are not going to be popular.

Let's go back to fantasy. C.M. Punk under the wing of Bret Hart for months. And then the mother load: Bret Hart vs. Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania 26. Chances it's gonna happen? Way, way low. But man, it would be something people thought they would never, ever see.

Or maybe they should have Bret Hart vs. Randy Orton for the WWE championship. Why? So that they can re-create the finish to WrestleMania 9 and screw Bret again! That's right. Hulkamania will never die, brother. Don't mess with mother nature! "My goodness! It's the craziest s--- I've seen in all of my years of sports entertainment!"

-On one hand I'm glad that John Morrison didn't bust out the "Mr. Ziggles" thing again. But JoMo-Finlay vs. Knox and Dolph Ziggler was a two drink minimum just to get through it. I'm sorry I got on the Knox bandwagon. He's not the next Umaga. He's the next Snitsky and quickly heading into Bam Neely territory.

-Hell of a big thing for Drew McTinrye to get a public push by Vince "Funny Walk" McMahon. Drew wasn't blessed with the greatest of speaking voices (I keep of thinking of the movie "Highlander" whenever he speaks) but damned if Drew vs. R-Truth shouldn't be on the PPV. I wouldn't consider putting the match inside a cell, but at this point, I wouldn't consider putting Punk vs. Taker inside a cell either, considering how lukewarm it is.

-Good move in giving Batista the anklelock submission hold. Now maybe we won't get another five minutes of punches in Batista matches compared to the ten we get now. His match with Big Show consisted of an anklelock, a spear, and 10,000 punches. Dear Lord, Batista. I can see why people hated your matches considering the hyper junk you and Show put out.

That was the reason the whole match took place: to show off Batty's anklelock. When he does that to men, they cry and submit. When he does that to the ladies, it's called "Dave's Foot Rub." You fellas should try it out. And don't try to use John Cena lines to pick up women unless you've got 30 inch pythons and a GQ face. That doesn't work in real life. Oh man, I just hit you with an "Ask the WWE Divas" segment. Ouch.

-I wonder why WWE has just now understood the benefit of giving many of their star guys significant submission holds. Or if anybody over there can say "Battle Chamber" with a straight face.

- WWE is telling us to take Legacy seriously because Triple H didn't cut a sarcastic promo when he ate a loss from Legacy at the last Raw. He would have, you know. He has done it before.

-Seemingly only Vince McMahon knows the point of him beefing with Teddy Long. And I'm not sure that point is valid. Or logical. Oh well. The old standby: "McMahon = ratings."

-If we lived in Vince Russo's world, Crime Tyme would square off against the Hart Dynasty because Slam Master J had gotten Natalya pregnant. But as it turns out, the baby actually came from Pretty Ricky, the alter-ego of R-Truth. Al Sharpton comes out to berate Pretty Ricky. Then Al Sharpton gets tombstoned by Kane after Al Sharpton says that he is Kane's father, not Paul Bearer. All of this happens in the span of five minutes. And then...

-JeriShow vs. Batty and Rey Mysterio at the PPV? Cool beans. Mysterio will probably show up with a new tat. That's what these guys do: Get inked up. You've seen Dave with his ink. Mysterio will probably get the tattoo "I Was Framed" with a portrait of Vinnie Mac yelling. Wouldn't mind seeing these two tag teams have a feud.

-So...Undertaker wants to brutally punish C.M. Punk inside a cell. Undertaker wants to make him bleed, make him suffer; make him retire from the business. And what's the latest reason? Because Punk got a floozy count-out victory on Smackdown. Right...

Who the hell is booking this crap? Y'all remember the last Hell in the Cell match? Edge vs. Undertaker. Edge losing sleep and going insane leading up to the PPV. Mick Foley telling Edge to nut up or risk being killed at the PPV. Flash-forward to the present and we have...

-Some 1990 nonsense: (Undertaker's Death Limo complete with fog machines and purple lights)
-Some 1997 nonsense: (Montreal Screwjob)
-Some 2009 nonsense: A dumb count-out victory in a match that really had no business taking place. Seriously, what the hell?

I know that at the PPV the match can be great. But it seems lately that WWE has forgotten (or just doesn't care) about the "journey" towards the PPV. Sorry, I don't get excited for three weeks of boring tripe leading up to a gimmick PPV that assumes that I will purchase. While it is true that they still have a week left to pump up Taker-Punk (which, considering the PPV buildup, just stinks), next week will be the "Decade of Smackdown" show.

Simply put, WWE has not done an adequate job of convincing me that Punk vs. Undertaker NEEDS to take place inside Hell in a Cell. Their buildup so far is like "Casket Match" worthy. Maybe not even that.

-Al Sharpton is your next special guest host for Raw. Can't imagine a lot of people going, "Gee. You know what's missing from Monday Night Raw? Al effin Sharpton. Break yourself, it's Al Sharpie." It wouldn't be so much of a problem if there wasn't 30 minutes shelved for guest host nonsense. But then again, viewers could be treated to the United States Championship picture. Yikes. 30 minutes of the Raw mid-card trying to find Kofi's belt after Jack Swagger misplaced. The whole "U.S. belt" angle reminded me too much of the awful "Johnny Devine from Team 3D has my X Division belt and I can't take it back even when it's right in front of me because ... um ... this show is too smartly written."

Dennis Miller on Raw?



Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

We suggest these recent related articles...

10/5 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Natalya vs. Paige, Owens vs. Cara, Stephanie McMahon, Sasha Banks, Xavier Woods

COLLECTIBLES COLUMN: The History of Foam Hands in Pro Wrestling

9/28 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Kane's Split Personality, Divas Revolution, Heyman & Big Show, Reigns vs. Wyatt