By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"Well the bluebird can sing but the crow’s got the soul
And I’m a dog among kings with no self-control
And the only thing left’s to try to live
These things on my back no one could forgive"
-"Midnight" by William Elliott Whitmore

-"So, uh, it's great or something being on Monday Night Wrong, I mean, Rock, oops, Monday Night Nitro. I'm Jeremy Piven and...I really don't want to be here. Uh, come see my movie called "Employee of the Month" where I try to sell more cars than the other guy...it will be a hoot. Geez, it smells in here. Seriously, you people need to take a shower. Even though I'm the General Manager and nobody can stop me in my booking decisions, prepare to see the weekly Hornswoggle vs. Chavo in an arm-wrestling contest. The main event will be a contract signing for Cena vs. Ortonzzzzzzz. Oh, here's my special guest host: a blow-up doll! Her name is Elana. I found her in Big Show's bus."

-Shaq was the main reason to watch Raw. I wrote a while back that the possibility of Ric Flair becoming the next G.M. on Raw would be like a band-aid on a sinking ship. Raw is still sinking. (This is not a discussion about ratings; this is a discussion about quality.) Simply put, Raw still has too many throwaway segments.

-Question #1: Does Vince McMahon throw birthday parties for all of the wrestlers on their birthdays? What a nice fellow.

-Question #2: Does Triple H know that a dog doesn't die if you cut off his tail? I know. I've tried it. Sorry, Bubba. Well, to be fair, Trips is confused about dog parts. He thinks that a dog's tail is the dog's penis, and we all know that if you cut off the "head" (ho ho ha ha), the body dies. At least according to Triple H logic. He's the type of guy who has posters of his penis splashed around in his mansion.

Maybe that was Hammerhead's birthday wish. To say something absurd. Maybe that could be his new shtick. Wacky statements that don't make a lick of sense. "You know, Ted and Cody are like nose hairs growing inside Orton's nostrils. It's time that somebody uses clippers to take them out. But I'm not going to be a nose hair clipper. Nah, I'm going to be a damn chainsaw. Vroom! Vroom! Frowny face!"

-Chris Masters returning...eh. Man still looks jacked up to me. I do admit getting warm inside when the TNA audience chants "you take steroids" to that British chap with tree trunks for arms.

-Even the adorable kids who reside in the WWE Universe are committing hara-kiri with the prospect of another installment of Chavo vs. Hornswoggle. Okay, that's not true. They're not disemboweling themselves. I just want the damn thing to stop.

-My friend Jesse Thomas points out that it's looking to be DX vs. Legacy at Summerslam. DX would get the casual market to buy the big ol' Summerslam PPV. Am I excited about the DX prospect? Not much. Hell, I'll rather see a Trips vs. HBK feud, but that probably ain't never gonna happen. Because WWE is gutless nowadays.

-I'm guessing that MVP is starring in "MVP's Losing Steak II." MVP is the star of the third string. Can't remember the last time when he won the match. And I'm struggling for why MVP is featured on the Summerslam ads, considering he's a chump.

-What WWE is doing with Miz is depressing. Hornswoggle lap dance! Hornswoggle lap dance! That's your future, Miz!

-Apologies to Zack Ryder. You are no longer the "woo woo woo" chump. You are now crowned the new reason to check out ECW.

-Really nice match with Tyson Kidd and John Morrison on Superstars. WWE has a nice crop of young talent who are hoping that they don't end up on Raw.

-I enjoyed watching Orton get his groove back against Primo after constantly being portrayed as a dumb meathead on Raw.

-On Smackdown, I cringed a bit when Jeff Hardy, in the midst of talking about how "we are given the God-given right to live how we choose" and that we're all "independent, glorious free-spirit unique snowflakes," was shoving a pineapple up his butt. "Urghh...there! Thank you, Baltimore! Rock on!"

-It's the conservative Punk vs. the liberal Jeff. I can do without WWE getting all PSA on me or how Jeff is talking about the freedom to use illegal substances as he wishes. What is more intriguing and exciting is watching the heel turn of Punk? Great stuff.

What's interesting to note is that Punk has not yet really gone full "WWE Heel," meaning that he hasn't pulled a Jericho. ("Everyone in the crowd tonight are fat failure turtles.") I can cheer for Punk because I agree with his point of view. Perhaps in the following month Punk will lash out against his own fans for failing him and not supporting him. Being fakes.

-Nobody, and I mean nobody, saw the Cryme Tyme push coming. Nice move with Cryme Tyme getting the rub from Shaq. And, my goodness, we actually have a respectable tag team feud with CT vs. Jericho and Show. I choked on my popcorn when Shad did the wookie impression.

Hell, if Brian Kendrick could have shown his Yoda impression...nah, he would still be future endeavored.

-What should be "future endeavored" is the horrible Jericho/Show song mix-up. It's the equivalent of listening to somebody smashing trash can lids while playing the harmonica through their bunghole. Can it be classified as a terrorist act to drive us all insane?

-I am falling in love with Mike Knox's beard. It's a thing of beauty. And that cross-body block he did on Mysterio? Beautiful as well. Fort Knox is a beautiful man.

-Morrison vs. Hardy was...gasp...a TV show main event that I was excited for well in advance. I know. Rare nowadays.

You can tell that Morrison is ready to kick down that door to enter "Main Event Land." Main knock on him is that while his gymnast moves is off the charts, his choices of certain flashy moves is meant to get a pop from the crowd rather than contribute to the story of the match. But everybody loves his running knee. And no, I'm not going to call him the "next Shawn Michaels," as some Internet writers are more apt to do.

-I applauded when Punk snapped and went to town on Jeff. Their inevitable Summerslam match looks to be a barn-burner. Meanwhile Cena vs. Orton will consist of this: "Remember when? Good. Pay us." Is it too much that they don't go down that route again and cook up a serviceable storyline to their feud? Hell, I'll take Orton making Cena go through "12 Rounds." Muhahaha!

-The President invited the whole PWTorch.com staff and contributors to "Beer Summit II: Tequilla Time!" See y'all in two weeks!

(credit to cache.gawker.com, hellokids.com and media.photobucket.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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