TV REPORTS 6/19 Smackdown review: Burgan's Express v2.1 (Hr.1)
Jun 19, 2003 - 11:14:00 PM
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By Derek Burgan, Torch Freestyle Champion
WWE Smackdown review
June 19, 2003
Taped 06/17/03 in San Antonio, TX
Aired on UPN
Report by Derek Burgan, Torch Beat Editor in Chief
In a nutshell: The APA debut on Smackdown! And Your Olympic Hero has his first match since WrestleMania�.
Trivia Time! Greetings and Salutations, fellow citizens! This week, we here at the Express wish you all a happy whatever-special-day-it-is to you and yours.This week, instead of boring wrestling trivia, we have something exciting planned for this part of the column. Thanks to the upcoming rush for the new Harry Potter volume - wrestling book trivia!
Now, I know to many of you, books either prop up that short leg of the couch or are used to press wildflowers, but if you actually open one, you can marvel at the wonders that is your imagination. (A part of your imagination that doesn't have anything to do with what Stacey Keibler looks outside her short dress.) From the current listings by the good folks of amazon.com, we dedicate this question: Which current wrestling superstar or announcer have a book in the Amazon Top 5 wrestling books?
a) "Classy" Freddie Blassie
b) Matt Hardy, Version 1.0
c) "Good Ol' J.R." Jim Ross
d) Bobby "The Brain" Heenan"
e) "Rowdy" Roddy Piper
Answer in v2.0 Hour Two!
***The show begins with the AWESOME visual of last weeks show-ending ring collapse.
(1) The Undertaker beat Nunzio (w/Johnny The Bull Stamboli & Chuck Palumbo). The finish came as The Dead Man gave Nunzio a huge Last Ride.
Heat Index: Nunzio�s facial expressions while being held up in the Last Ride were absolutely priceless. He can definitely sell a beating as good as anyone on the roster. It�s a shame that he goes right up there with Jamie Noble and Crash as being completely wasted since coming on Smackdown. I would have added Tajiri to that list, but thankfully Chavo got hurt and the WWE is seeing how the Japanese Buzzsaw can shine. Although God knows that when Ultimo Dragon comes in next week the WWE is going to think there�s no way the fans will want to follow two Japanese wrestlers. There�s also good news in that the FBI finally got new music to replace that horrible theme they had. The bad news? It still sucks and is just a badly done copy of the Beastie Boys �No Sleep Till Brooklyn�, think of how WCW ripped off Pearl Jam�s �Evenflow� for Chris Jericho back in the day and you�ll get the idea.
JOB Failure: Here�s my biggest problem with FBI. They have gotten a lot of cool heel storylines over the past couple months, including a lot of main event material with Brock. You can not tell me that any fan in the audience buys them in that spot. No way. Not after all three of them have been booked to be complete retards for most of their WWE careers. This is also one of TNA�s biggest downfalls as there is not a single person in the WORLD who buys Glen Gilberti as a World Champion. Hey, the guy seems pretty funny and is probably pretty good at coming up with storylines and a great guy to know. On screen, he sucks. Period. They�ve made up a little ground in the last two weeks, but when I was watching the Jeff Jarrett-Glen Gilberti match from a couple weeks ago it almost made me sick that TNA was giving that match to Gilberti instead of Raven, AJ Styles or Killings.
Kayfabe Factor: After the match, the FBI got their asses kicked by one guy, again, until they got a lucky break. As they were beating up Taker, the APA ran in for the save. I shit you not. Bradshaw has his hair cropped closer than Billy Gunn now and I swear to God he looks like Dennis Quaid in The Rookie if he went on a cycle or two. The APA then chased of the FBI in a battle of the acronyms.
The AP F---ing A? Oh man, it�s time to bust out some Burganomics!Cue the music Maestro!
What the hell is this? I turn on Smackdown and expect to see Brian Kendrick
Instead I see two bums. One should be retired, and the other�s just a prick
Bradshaw. Justin Bradshaw. Paley cowboy ne�er-do-well
He was once managed by the greatly hairy Dutch Mantell
Oh yeah, he was a Kaintai cowboy with cow-bell and Taka
He even tagged with Terry Funk and did close to nada
Face it financial boy, you were a poor mans Stan Hanson
Next to Hanson's Vegas, you�re just a low-rent Branson
So you cut your hair. Do you think that makes you special?
You�re still about as exciting as an unsalted pretzel
And what happened to you Ron? When did your WWE career go to the shitter?
The chances of you in a good match are the same as the Padres throwing a no-hitter
Big, bad Ron Simmons, All American from Florida State
Masked in Doom with Butch Reed might have sealed your fate
WCW world champion? Oh, la-di-dah, ain't you great.
Faced the Barbarian for the title at Havoc with a super low buy rate
You were once Farooq Assad, but you traded your helmet in for the Nation team
Sunny for Clarence Mason? That�s whack. You even teamed with PG-13
You got rid of your roman warrior roots for the nation of domination
But your charisma was still missing, like Saddam�s weapons of mass destruction
So the NOD floundered, like a tree falling in the forest. Not making a sound
The Rock went to bigger and better things, but Bradshaw was still around
Formed a tag team in 98 after a marker fight
You dubbed yourselves the Acolytes
And it looks like you are back, just in time for the summer season
I have a gun and one bullet, you just gave me the reason!
You know, I don�t know who�s a bigger moron, Johnny Ace or This 9 year old girl in India. I wonder where she and the groom are registered�Petco?
***Zach Gowen is walking backstage and runs into Spanky and Bill DeMott, who were having a friendly conversation. Yes, this is the same Bill DeMott who was last seen throwing Spanky head first into a wall. Zach asked where Stephanie�s office was and DeMott pointed it out. Sable answered the door and invited Gowen in to wait for Step. She said the Smackdown GM just went out for a bite to eat, so she could be a while.
***Wait a second, there�s Steph! As Rhyno and Chris Benoit were in the ring, Stephanie came out with the WWE US belt draped across her shoulder. She said that this match would be the first match in a Tournament to decide who would be crowed the new US champ at the Smackdown PPV Vengeance next month. That was the only detail that she gave about the whole tournament. Hey kids, there�s two things we learned from this segment!
1. One of the coolest belts the WWE could have is going to be introduced to about as much fanfare as the Bashom Bros due to incompetent writing.
2. There is no way anyone can watch this segment and tell me that Stephanie McMahon is not fat. I will accept all apologies at the email address below.
(2) Chris Benoit beat Rhyno. The finish came after Rhyno charged Benoit, but was tripped up into a Crippler Crossface!
Heat Index: Well, if you are going to have a half assed tourney, you might as well start on a good note with these two guys. I don�t know what the plan is for the US belt, and knowing the WWE, they don�t either, but if it doesn�t end up on Benoit it will be a travesty. Once again he made that flying headbutt look amazing and h is Crossface finisher is one of the only submission moves I think looks legit enough to make someone tap out. Every time I see Benoit�s chops now, I almost wince. Mostly from reading in the Observer the account of Rick Steamboat, who after a huge match with Ric Flair back in the legendary 89 series, was coughing up blood all night thanks to stiff chops. Can you imagine?!
JOB Failure: Maybe I�ve missed some matches over the past two years, but in this match Rhyno was like this Happy-go-lucky character that was feeding off the crowd and looking for their approval. Is this what a Man-Beast does? I don�t think so, and it�s exactly why Chyna will be the only true �Man-Beast� in my book. Or maybe Jazz.
Kayfabe Factor: Did I hear Michael Cole say �Harley Race� and �NWA�?! Am I on Earth-2 again?
***Sable talked about exposing herself last week and asked Gowen if he�d like to feel the goods. He said, �Well, gosh, yes ma�am!� Sable then undid her top and Zach got a feel. Right now I want to be Zach Gowen�s hands more than anything else in the world! This was weird though, because next to each other, I don�t think Sable�s arms were much smaller than Gowens. In fact, she might have bigger and even more tone arms. �What�s up wit dat?!� Zach gave the good �ol McMahon �gulp� and had the greatest facial expressions, like he had never seen a girl �nekkid� before. Straight out of a 70�s porn loop. Speaking of which, I also got a chance to watch �Porn Star: the legend of Ron Jeremy� today. At least I think it was called Legend, it could have been �life.� Someone needs to remind me to review that next week.
***A really cool Ultimo Dragon vignette aired and ended with him coming, �Next Week!�
(3) Rey Mysterio beat Kanyon.. The finish came after the �Wine �em, Dine �em, 619 �em� and the West Coast Pop.
Heat Index: Rey Rey outdid himself here including a spot in which he gave Kanyon a snap mare near the ropes, jumped outside and used ropes to deliver a drop kick to Kanyon�s chest. Then Rey used the ropes to come back in the ring via a sprinkboard moonsault. INSANE!
JOB Failure: Kanyon was just there, in the ring to start the match. I�m beginning to think that the WWE can�t reintroduce anyone anymore.
Kayfabe Factor: Okay, well we already know what I think about the US tourney. Here�s what I think the WWE should do which would help them out in so many ways. If you are going to hold a tournament, do it right and rip off the Super J Cup that is held in Japan. Make it an �exclusive to cruiserweights� tourney and I bet if you had some qualifying matches on Smackdown, you could sell it as one of the brand PPV�s. You could bring in a lot of the big name Indy guys for one nighters leading up to the Tournament, maybe even a TNA guy. The matches would tear down the house and maybe create a new PPV anchor that KOTR used to be and only WrestleMania and SummerSlam are now (and don�t hold your breath on SummerSlam after this year.)
***Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas come out to new music and �amateur wrestling-like� singlets. The new look is maroon and silver, which Tazz says is combining the colors of Benjamin�s college (Minnesoat) and Charlie�s (Seton Hall). If that�s legit, I think it�s really cool. They ran down Kurt Angle, saying they would take him on next week. This brought our Your Olympic Hero who said that �next week� are two words not in his vocabulary. OH~! It�s on!
(4) Kurt Angle beat Charlie Haas (w/ Shelton Bling Bling Benjamin). The finish came after a nice looking Angle slam.
Heat Index: Angle is back! The Angle suplexes were thrown with ease, an Ankle lock was applied and the Angle slam looked perfect. All is right with the world!
JOB Failure: Without having Angle around, I really think Team Suck Squad needs a third man in the worst way possible. This could be the Triple X team for the WWE, because if they don�t do something like that I can imagine Shelton and Charlie are going to be visiting A-Train in Velocity Hell in the not too distant future.
Kayfabe Factor: Before he got kicked out to the back, Shelton had one of the best bits of the night. After Angle was thrown outside, Shelton put his hands behind his back and started looking the other way as Charlie went over to the ref to distract him. Seriously, to me this came across like a cartoon in which the character is trying to pretend he�s innocent. What can I say, it cracked me up. After reading all the Blassie stories this week, It also makes me think there is a huge opportunity for a real ringside manager to make an impact.
***After the match Shelton ran down to attack Angle, and after a beatdown of Your Olmypic Hero, Team Suck Squad was finally run off by The Next Big Thing.
New From WWE Films! Legally Bronze: Red, White & Orange: Tan-loving, boa-wearing Verne Gagne Business School graduate Hulk Hogan returns in this sequel, as he turns his legal and backstage political-savvy know-how towards getting a bill passed through Congress, relocating a second time, after adapting his Stamford, CT ways to Atlanta, and now... Washington, D.C. The issue at hand is animal testing, which Hogan becomes concerned about after being informed by Al Snow that former WWE Superstar Pepper the Chihuahua was rescued from a cosmetics laboratory. Arriving at the Watergate and not knowing where to begin in the city, only that he needs to work every single person in it, he befriends the hotel's lazy doorman (Kevin Nash), who becomes his guide to the way the political system works, and how to get his legislation... legislated.
MPAA Rating: PG-13 for one finger pins, receding hairline and bad finishing holds
END OF HOUR ONE
***Derek Burgan writes Smackdown Express each and every week for all the PWTorch readers who would rather watch coherent things like FOX�s Celebrity Impersonators gone wild. Bastards! He can be reached at Dburgan@pwtorch.com and welcomes any and all comments and/or suggestions.
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