CONTACTABOUTFACEBOOKTWITTERPODCAST IPHONE APPANDROID APPAMAZON APPRSS
Pro Wrestling Torch
Pro Wrestling Torch Reaches The Most Wrestling Fans Every Week: #1 in iTunes • #1 on iPhone and iPad • #1 on Android • #1 on Kindle
GOT THE PWTORCH APP YET?
iPhone & iPad
Android
Amazon Kindle
Windows Phone
PWTorch Phone App
TV REPORTS
4/24 Smackdown review: Burgan's Express v2.0 (Hr.1)

Apr 24, 2003 - 10:21:00 PM
PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO BOOKMARK US & VISIT US DAILY


By Derek Burgan, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Smackdown review
April 24, 2003
Taped 04/22/03 in Nashville, TN
Aired on UPN
Report by Derek Burgan, Torch Team Contributor


In a nutshell: John Cena to start the show! And the Rabid Wolverine takes on the Three Stooges.

Trivia Time! Hi, hello and welcome to another mind-blowing episode of Raw Is Trivial, where each week we take a Raw moment from this past Monday and turn it into a trivia question.

Here's how the game works: you read the question, you answer the question. That's it. No special gift for trying our product this week, as recent prizes have resulted in low participation. (Hey, I offered a free ride into McNeill's final round of "Internet Idol"; what more do you want from us?)
Anyhoo, back before there was attitude, there was "Good Friends, Better Enemies", the WWF's In Your House event from Omaha, Nebraska. This was the famed last dance for such luminaries as Diesel (who lost to then-champion Shawn Michaels) and Razor Ramon (who dropped a very close encounter with Vader).
Yet, what happened to that forgotten member of the Clique? I can't remember his name but he had the Rick Rude body with the Goldust-like wig. What did he do at this particular PPV? Answer in v2.0 Hour Two!

a) Defeated Marc Mero
b) Lost to the Undertaker
c) Lost to the Ultimate Warrior
d) Defeated the 1..2..3 Kid
e) Didn't wrestle, but watched Steve Austin-Savio Vega Part XXXVIII

BUT FIRST! Well, this will be it for a couple weeks. But be here next week in this very spot for my special A-List replacement. To answer some of the people who have written. No, its not James Guttman or Mike Sempervive, although they are both in the list of the five people I would like to do Express. There should also be, via the magic of digital cameras and e-mail, a picture of the Torch Sex Symbol on the beaches of Maui.

And while most of the email to v2.0 is absolutely fantastic, I generally get one of out every 25 that say that I need to talk more about the show and stop going off on tangents. Heres a message for you idiots. Im going to you a HUGE favor. Here is a direct link to the Head Honchos very own Smackdown Recap. There you go! Now you can stop complaining, although something tells me you still will. Every other week my intergender tag team partner also does a review you can read, and Ill start linking to that too. Why not?

On to the show!

***The opening montage, in which I really need a new bit to get over, aired.

***John Cena came out and did a good Non Thuganomics promo on his tournament victory and upcoming match with Brock. He also said he had graphic footage of Brock that he would show later on that would blow peoples minds. Speaking of footage, you must watch this v2.0 worthy John Cena short film!. You can thank me later.

(1) John Cena beat Rhyno. The finish came literally out of nowhere as Rhyno and Cena awkwardly bounced off the ropes together and The Master of Thuganomics rolled up the Man-Beast.

Heat Index: I might need some help here. Cena did an awesome move when Rhyno was outside the ring but head his head hanging inside over the ropes. Cena jumped off the top rope with a leg drop right onto Rhynos head. Is there a move right now called the Guillotine? If not, Im trademarking it for that move.

JOB Failure: While this would, in theory, be the type of match to start a show I would normally go ape-shit over, it seriously wasnt all that. Jesus, did I just sound like Oprah or what? I think Im losing my mind.

Kayfabe Factor: If the Gods of the Internet dont see Cenas potential NOW, I dont mean down the line, I mean RIGHT NOW, then they never will. Give him the title this Sunday at Backlash and see what happens. This isnt Tank Abbot winning the WCW title, this is a solid gimmick with a soon to be world-class performer.

***Hot Rod and Sean OHaire are IN THE BUILDING!

***Oh here we go. The FBI Three Stooges confront Chris Benoit while hes getting a coffee. They say they bet on him last week and lost a lot of money and want him to repay it. Benoit said hell meet Nunzio in a match instead while walking away. Nunzio then wiped his own hand down his face while saying, Oh, a wise guy, eh? while Chuck Palumbo kept going, Whooo-Whooo-Whooo

You know, I dont know whos a bigger moron, Johnny Ace or that C word Madonna. Heres a brief cut from that articleU.S. pop superstar Madonna, one of music's richest performers, has attacked her fellow Americans for being obsessed with the "wrong values" such as getting rich and looking good.

Yes, this is the same Madonna who is so dead set against file sharing through places like KaZzA that last week she released bogus tracks just to f--- with people. I guess thats a right value. Charging $18.99 for a 12 song CD must be a right value as well. I dont care whether you are pro-file sharing or against file sharing, but the fact that Mega-stars like Metallica and Madonna are leading the fight, making MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS OF DOLLARS while all their fans get it right in the ass is ridiculous.

Special Request for v2.0 Readers! Speaking of file-sharing, does anyone have an MP3 of the old Samoan Swat Team music that ripped off the movie Halloween or the classic Midnight Express theme? If so, please send me a shout out!

***One half the Not-So-Ambiguously-Gay-Duo, Josh Matthews, interviewed Sable, who looked off-the-hook hot. These two were apparently having a contest to see who could appear to be the worst thespian in the entire WWE. Josh crushed her and won whatever bet they had. Sable went blah, blah, blah about a Sable Invitational later tonight, which is where she brings her gym bag into the ring and you have to guess which WWE Superstar took a shit in it.

***Where the Hell is Marc Lloyd anyway?

***Next up was a short video meeting Jessica Lynch, or some other soldiers, I cant tell any of them apart. Sable, Dawn Marie, Rhyno and Rey Mysterio were there at a meet and greet and it came across like they were really cool people. Off course Rey Rey was wearing his mask which looks SO FRIGGIN DUMB in the context of the real world. But I digress.

(2) Chris Benoit beat Nunzio (w/ Johnny Stamboli & the Grandmaster Chuckie P). Finish came as Benoit reversed the Arrivaderci into the Crippler Crossface!

Heat Index: One great spot came in the middle of Benoits Rolling Germans spot. Palumbo was going to interfere, but Benoit Germand Nunzio right into him. Classic! They also had a really cool spot at the beginning of the match I felt the WWE totally messed up. Benoit came down and was basically in between all three men outside the ring. It was SO set up for him to look to the back and have two guys come out for a MONSTER pop, but of course no one came out, and no one in the crowd gave two shits about the match.

JOB Failure: I dont know who it was, but Tony Chimmel wasnt the announcer tonight and the guy who was sucked. It sounded to me that he totally botched Tony the Bulls name, which was sure to drive Torch Legend Tony Marshall up a wall.

Kayfabe Factor: After the match Benoit got destroyed by the Three Stooges. This was after wrestling a whole match in that god awful Toothless Aggression shirt. Yes, the whole match. What? Did he piss off Johnny Ace or something? Get to the bottom of this Powell!

***Next up was one of the greatest WWE skits of all time! Funaki (yes, Funaki lives!) and Tajiri (wearing an unbelievably cool Tajiri Spider-man shirt, is this on Shopzone?!) were watching a tape of Big Show getting the 619 last week and replaying it over and over. It was so good because Tajiri was doing his bizarre Japanese-English that no one other than Torch MMA Guy Nick Moore can understand while pantomiming Big Shows facial expressions. Incredible! Big Show came in and destroyed the TV while yelling, You think this is funny?! No Show, I think this is fat.

The Torch Retort: Whats going on in this grand ol site of ours?

#5) One of the best things about the Torch site is Jason Powells Torch Today updates. Why? Because he cuts to the chase and just gives us the info point blank. For example, here is something from Wednesday: -Bill Goldberg is scheduled to appear on the syndicated "Wayne Brady" show on Friday. Check local listings for times and stations. Thats it. Cut and dried. Heres the how that very same sentence would have been writing by other well known IWC members

By Dave Meltzer: You can still get a subscription to the Observer including this past Monday's issue, which is one of the largest and most talked about issues in our history, surprisingly enough-even more than last weeks, with Part III of the history of the Bob Sapp phenomenon, including how, even though most wrestling fans do not have clue to who he is, let alone the mainstream public, it is appropriate to compare him to the Beatles and Elvis as most certainly in 30 years people will still be forever remembering the magical days of The Beast. For new readers, since so many have asked via email, regular mail, telegram, smoke signals and mental telepathy, if you order a subscription of three or more months, we'll backdate it to start with the March issues so you can get the first two parts of the history of the WWF as well as the Wrestlemania issue. A three month subscription of The Observer -now in its 21st year as the leading insider pro wrestling publication in the world, read weekly by many of the most influential decision makers in the business as well as many of the biggest stars both past and present- is approximate 42,000,000 words of text, which is the equivalent of reading both the Bible and the Dictionary back to back 10 times. -- Goldberg will appear on the Wayne Brady show Friday.

By a 411 Columnist: Be sure to check out Eric Ss column, because Ill tell you something, if I swung that way I would certainly swallow for him. And lets elect Rivet for President, because hes just that damn good. Hyatte checks in with the Midnight News and is the best writer that ever lived, well except for maybe Joshua Grutman. The world renowned Ashish also has excited news about Goldberg meeting Wayne Brady, listen to the man, he knows his news.

By Dave Scherer, from a site well known for its pop-ups: Rhetorical and Unanswered Questions:

When is Bill Goldberg going to be on David Letterman instead of Wayne Brady?

Am I the only one who wonders why Wayne Brady has a talk show but Ryan Stiles and Drew Carrey Dont?

Is anyone amazed as I am that Friday always seems to fall between Thursday and Saturday?

Did it shock anyone that they used a phrase like check local times and listings instead of just writing out every television station in North America?

By Mojo Mitchell: Super Sized Steve Austin will meet Funny Black Guy on Friday.

#4) Heres the latest The Snake and the Mongoose along with Insult to Injury. You may have notice a lack of LOUNGE offerings from yours truly. Thats because I have apparently been relieved of that responsibility by people higher up on the IWC food chain than myself. The Old Derek would have gone through the roof. The New Derek now takes lemons and makes them lemonade, and will put stuff like Ripped From the Headlinez in v2.0 Hour Two, which will have the added bonus of pissing off the people who think this is too long already. Huzzah for me!

#3) Its week number 1000 in Pat McNeills Internet Idol with no end in site. Chris Hyatte gives a lot of compelling reasons why song parodies should certainly not be made in print. While I would certainly paint myself in the group that agrees with that sentiment, I do think that if for some god knows reason you feel compelled to do a song parody, it has to be a song that everyone in the world would know. Eminems Will the Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up might be okay. Lose Yourself had its moments when it was hot as hell. But 8 Mile Road?! Puh-lease.

#2) Did you see this? The WWE gives a survey to the fans. A while back I read a great article by The Melt that talked in depth of a very similar thing that WCW did back in the day before it went out of business. It asked all the right questions, got an amazing response from the group that stopped watching wrestling, and proceeded to ignore it completely. Will the WWE follow the same path? Who knows, but the good money is on all signs point to YES. Meanwhile, my inside sources tell me that many VIP Members were sent a survey from PWTorch.com. This survey had such questions as:

- Would you like to see more song parodies on the Torch?
- Do you enjoy reading established writers i.e. Jason Powell, Bruce Mitchell, Pat McNeill?
- Do you enjoy reading younger writers i.e. Pete Nyman, Mike Sempervive, James Guttman?
- Do you enjoy reading insane writers i.e. Nick Moore, Derek Burgan, Keith Lipinski?
- Dont you really think Wade Keller should just go ahead and just get rid of Derek Burgan?
- Would you like to see more songs in the LOUNGE jukebox?
- Who would you like to see in the next Torch Diva Calendar Shoot, Ellen Cohen, Mallory Mahling or Bobbi Jo Bethel?
- Would you like to see Keith Lipinski make more pop-culture references from the early 80's or late 80's?
- Would you like the Torch to admit pro-wrestling outside the United States exists?

#1) Holy Burnout Batman! How does Ellen Cohen do it?! Amazing! And now we have the Torch Babe Mallory Mahling doing the Live updates of Raw. The fairer sex of the Torch are taking over and doing a better job then the men!

Special thanks to v2.0er Richard Diaz for this fantastic Stephen Hawkings Thuganomics site!

(3) Rey Mysterio beat Crash (w/ Mattitude & Shannon AllThatAnd Moore). Finish came after Rey hit the 619 and then came off the top rope with a springboard leg drop. Awesome.

Heat Index: Crash is out of purgatory and is an MFer?! Smackdown is the greatest show on TV! Shannon Moore did an awesome bit where he clocked Rey with Matts new book, which is how product placement should be done. As usual, Mysterio was the man. In fact, right before he did his springboard finish, Shannon went to jump him on the ring apron and Rey Rey just flipped him over to the ground. Great stuff all around.

JOB Failure: WTF? Matt goes over to the announcers desk and doesnt say a word?! That aint right! This guy is gold behind the mic! He did do an amazing job at selling his disgust when Crash lost. The look was perfect, absolutely priceless.

Kayfabe Factor: Matt Fact: Matt only uses low fat salad dressings & Matt told his brother to use Monster.com

***John Cena is backstage with A-Train trying to get him motivated for his match against Brock Lesnar. Cena accidentally knocked over a VCR and did some quick improve instead of not selling it at all. He then played a tape where it looked like Brock broke A-Trains neck during a move that I dont ever remember seeing on Smackdown. Seriously, this looked worse than Brocks Shooting Star Press.

(4) Rikishi beat Roddy Piper (w/Sean OHaire) byDQ. The finish came as Piper was about to get Stinkfaced and OHaire ran in for the attack.

Heat Index: That donkey's name is Julian? I have a friend named Julian. Does that donkey fix cars? No. Oh, then they're probably not related...I'm Brian Fellow!

JOB Failure: Wait A Second., Piper wrestles without his shirt, totally out of shape and whiter than David Duke in full Ku Klux Klan regalia, and Chris Benoit wrestles in the dumbest shirt ever made?! What the hell is going on here?!

Kayfabe Factor: Okay, after the match OHaire did a cool looking reverse DVD on Rikishi that was kinda cool, so it wasnt all for waste. And damn, is that guy ripped or what?! Seriously, this was just plain horrible. Almost as if it was a rib on all of us watching.


New From PWTorch Films! It Runs in the Torch Family: The Torch is a highly successful dirtsheet/Internet family - except when it comes to communicating with each other. Three generations of writers, each in their own way, live separate lives but find a couple moments in time, usually on Monday and Thursday nights but occasionally a Sunday as well, to come together through laughter and tears and remind themselves that they are attached by sarcasm. The Head Honcho (Wade Keller), the patriarch, is having difficulty coming to grips with his favorite pastime being targeted to a group 15 years his junior. His formerly prized protg, The Torch Sex Symbol (Derek Burgan), has spent his life trying to earn his bosses respect while only succeeding in alienating him, while the Honchos eldest writer, Mojo (Bruce Mitchell), a cantankerous curmudgeon, tries to cope with the fact the Hurricane has a better chance to bring in new fans to wrestling than "Suit Guy."

MPAA Rating: PG-13 for constant typos, no selling of email and the F dash dash dash word.

END OF HOUR ONE It's time for Hour Two!

***Derek Burgan writes Smackdown Express each and every week for all the PWTorch readers who would rather watch coherent things like the Jamie Kennedy X-Periment. Bastards! He can be reached at Dburgan@pwtorch.com and welcomes any and all comments and/or suggestions.




We suggest these recent related articles...
PARKS'S WWE SMACKDOWN REPORT 10/8: Ongoing "virtual time" coverage of Thursday show, including Roman Reigns & Randy Orton vs. Bray Wyatt & Braun Strowman
METZGER'S ROH TV REPORT 10/4 & 10/7: IWGP World champ Okada vs. Roderick Strong main event, plus Briscoes vs. Time Splitters, more from "Field of Honor," Overall Reax
MCMAHON'S TNA IMPACT REPORT 10/7: TNA Title Series kicks off, Bound for Glory fall-out, more; Overall Reax
prowrestling.net
CLICK HERE FOR EVEN MORE PW.NET HEADLINES


CLICK TO EMAIL THIS ARTICLE
CLICK HERE TO RETURN TO MAIN LISTING

NEW! SIGN UP FOR FREE PWTORCH BREAKING NEWS EMAIL ALERTS
BECOME A PWTORCH VIP MEMBER
-FORMER MEMBERS LOGIN HERE TO RENEW
-NEW MEMBERS CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP
SELECT BY ARTICLES CATEGORY
SEARCH PWTORCH.COM



CLICK HERE FOR LIST OF UPCOMING PRO WRESTLING EVENTS
MORE HEADLINES AT AFFILIATE SITES
MMATorch
LATEST HEADLINES - CLICK TO READ CLICK HERE FOR MORE MMATORCH HEADLINES


PWTORCH POLL - VOTE NOW!
RAW POLL 10/12: Vote on Monday's show
 
pollcode.com free polls


RAW POLL 10/12: What was the Best Match on Raw?
 
pollcode.com free polls
MCNEILL LIVECAST POLL: TNA will have a 32-person tournament to determine a new Hvt. champion - your thoughts?
 
pollcode.com free polls
CENA POLL: If John Cena takes a year-end break, who should win the U.S. Title from Cena?
 
pollcode.com free polls
VOTE IN OR SEE RESULTS OF PREVIOUS POLLS



LATEST HEADLINES - CLICK TO READ CLICK HERE FOR EVEN MORE INC HEADLINES

_
LATEST FREE AUDIO SHOWS - CLICK TO LISTEN VIEW MORE PWTORCH LIVECAST EPISODES
DOWNLOAD PWTORCH LIVECAST APP
SUBSCRIBE TO PWTORCH LIVECAST IN ITUNES


ABOUT US

THE TORCH REACHES MORE COMBAT ENTERTAINMENT FANS THAN ANY OTHER SOURCE

PWTorch editor Wade Keller has covered pro wrestling full time since 1987 starting with the Pro Wrestling Torch print newsletter. PWTorch.com launched in 1999 and the PWTorch Apps launched in 2008.

He has conducted "Torch Talk" insider interviews with Hulk Hogan, The Rock, Steve Austin, Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Eric Bischoff, Jesse Ventura, Lou Thesz, Jerry Lawler, Mick Foley, Jim Ross, Paul Heyman, Bruno Sammartino, Goldberg, more.

He has interviewed big-name players in person incluiding Vince McMahon (at WWE Headquarters), Dana White (in Las Vegas), Eric Bischoff (at the first Nitro at Mall of America), Brock Lesnar (after his first UFC win).

He hosted the weekly Pro Wrestling Focus radio show on KFAN in the early 1990s and hosted the Ultimate Insiders DVD series distributed in retail stories internationally in the mid-2000s including interviews filmed in Los Angeles with Vince Russo & Ed Ferrara and Matt & Jeff Hardy. He currently hosts the most listened to pro wrestling audio show in the world, (the PWTorch Livecast, top ranked in iTunes)


REACHING 1 MILLION+ UNIQUE USERS PER MONTH
500 MILLION CLICKS & LISTENS PER YEAR
MILLIONS OF PWTORCH NEWSLETTERS SOLD
PWTORCH STAFF

EDITORS:
Wade Keller, editor
(kellerwade@gmail.com)

James Caldwell, assistant editor
(pwtorch@gmail.com)

STAFF COLUMNISTS:
Bruce Mitchell (since 1990)
Pat McNeill (since 2001)
Greg Parks (since 2007)
Sean Radican (since 2003)

We also have a great team of
TV Reporters
and Specialists and Artists.

PWTORCH VIP MEMBERSHIP

PWTorch offers a VIP membership for $10 a month (or less with an annual sub). It includes nearly 25 years worth of archives from our coverage of pro wrestling dating back to PWTorch Newsletters from the late-'80s filled with insider secrets from every era that are available to VIPers in digital PDF format and Keller's radio show from the early 1990s.

Also, new exclusive top-shelf content every day including a new VIP-exclusive weekly 16 page digital magazine-style (PC and iPad compatible) PDF newsletter packed with exclusive articles and news.

The following features come with a VIP membership which tens of thousands of fans worldwide have enjoyed for many years...

-New Digital PWTorch Newsletter every week
-3 New Digital PDF Back Issues from 5, 10, 20 years ago
-Over 60 new VIP Audio Shows each week
-Ad-free access to all PWTorch.com free articles
-VIP Forum access with daily interaction with PWTorch staff and well-informed fellow wrestling fans
-Tons of archived audio and text articles
-Decades of Torch Talk insider interviews in transcript and audio formats with big name stars.


**SIGN UP FOR VIP ACCESS HERE**

CONTACTABOUTFACEBOOKTWITTERPODCASTIPHONE APPANDROID APPAMAZON APPRSS
VIP SIGN-UP
VIP LOGIN
THE TORCH: #1 IN COMBAT ENTERTAINMENT COVERAGE | © 1999-2013 TDH Communications Inc. • All rights reserved -- PRIVACY POLICY