By Derek Burgan, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Smackdown review
April 24, 2003
Taped 04/22/03 in Nashville, TN
Aired on UPN
Report by Derek Burgan, Torch Team Contributor

In a nutshell: John Cena to start the show! And the Rabid Wolverine takes on the Three Stooges….

Trivia Time! Hi, hello and welcome to another mind-blowing episode of Raw Is Trivial, where each week we take a Raw moment from this past Monday and turn it into a trivia question.

Here's how the game works: you read the question, you answer the question. That's it. No special gift for trying our product this week, as recent prizes have resulted in low participation. (Hey, I offered a free ride into McNeill's final round of "Internet Idol"; what more do you want from us?)
Anyhoo, back before there was attitude, there was "Good Friends, Better Enemies", the WWF's In Your House event from Omaha, Nebraska. This was the famed last dance for such luminaries as Diesel (who lost to then-champion Shawn Michaels) and Razor Ramon (who dropped a very close encounter with Vader).
Yet, what happened to that forgotten member of the Clique? I can't remember his name but he had the Rick Rude body with the Goldust-like wig. What did he do at this particular PPV? Answer in v2.0 Hour Two!

a) Defeated Marc Mero
b) Lost to the Undertaker
c) Lost to the Ultimate Warrior
d) Defeated the 1..2..3 Kid
e) Didn't wrestle, but watched Steve Austin-Savio Vega Part XXXVIII

BUT FIRST! Well, this will be it for a couple weeks. But be here next week in this very spot for my special A-List replacement. To answer some of the people who have written. No, it’s not James Guttman or Mike Sempervive, although they are both in the list of “the five people I would like to do Express.” There should also be, via the magic of digital cameras and e-mail, a picture of the Torch Sex Symbol on the beaches of Maui.

And while most of the email to v2.0 is absolutely fantastic, I generally get one of out every 25 that say that I need to talk more about the show and stop going off on tangents. Here’s a message for you idiots. I’m going to you a HUGE favor. Here is a direct link to the Head Honcho’s very own Smackdown Recap. There you go! Now you can stop complaining, although something tells me you still will. Every other week my intergender tag team partner also does a review you can read, and I’ll start linking to that too. Why not?

On to the show!

***The opening montage, in which I really need a new bit to get over, aired.

***John Cena came out and did a good “Non Thuganomics” promo on his tournament victory and upcoming match with Brock. He also said he had “graphic footage” of Brock that he would show later on that would blow people’s minds. Speaking of footage, you must watch this v2.0 worthy John Cena short film!. You can thank me later.

(1) John Cena beat Rhyno. The finish came literally out of nowhere as Rhyno and Cena awkwardly bounced off the ropes together and The Master of Thuganomics rolled up the Man-Beast.

Heat Index: I might need some help here. Cena did an awesome move when Rhyno was outside the ring but head his head hanging inside over the ropes. Cena jumped off the top rope with a leg drop right onto Rhyno’s head. Is there a move right now called the “Guillotine?” If not, I’m trademarking it for that move.

JOB Failure: While this would, in theory, be the type of match to start a show I would normally go ape-shit over, it seriously wasn’t “all that.” Jesus, did I just sound like Oprah or what? I think I’m losing my mind.

Kayfabe Factor: If the Gods of the Internet don’t see Cena’s potential NOW, I don’t mean down the line, I mean RIGHT NOW, then they never will. Give him the title this Sunday at Backlash and see what happens. This isn’t Tank Abbot winning the WCW title, this is a solid gimmick with a soon to be world-class performer.

***Hot Rod and Sean O’Haire are IN THE BUILDING!

***Oh here we go. The FBI Three Stooges confront Chris Benoit while he’s getting a coffee. They say they bet on him last week and lost a lot of money and want him to repay it. Benoit said he’ll meet Nunzio in a match instead while walking away. Nunzio then wiped his own hand down his face while saying, “Oh, a wise guy, eh?” while Chuck Palumbo kept going, “Whooo-Whooo-Whooo”

You know, I don’t know who’s a bigger moron, Johnny Ace or that “C word” Madonna. Here’s a brief cut from that article…”U.S. pop superstar Madonna, one of music's richest performers, has attacked her fellow Americans for being obsessed with the "wrong values" such as getting rich and looking good.”

Yes, this is the same Madonna who is so dead set against file sharing through places like KaZzA that last week she released bogus tracks just to f--- with people. I guess that’s a “right value.” Charging $18.99 for a 12 song CD must be a “right value” as well. I don’t care whether you are pro-file sharing or against file sharing, but the fact that Mega-stars like Metallica and Madonna are leading the fight, making MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS OF DOLLARS while all their fans get it right in the ass is ridiculous.

Special Request for v2.0 Readers! Speaking of file-sharing, does anyone have an MP3 of the old Samoan Swat Team music that ripped off the movie “Halloween” or the classic Midnight Express theme? If so, please send me a shout out!

***One half the Not-So-Ambiguously-Gay-Duo, Josh Matthews, interviewed Sable, who looked off-the-hook hot. These two were apparently having a contest to see who could appear to be the worst thespian in the entire WWE. Josh crushed her and won whatever bet they had. Sable went blah, blah, blah about a Sable Invitational later tonight, which is where she brings her gym bag into the ring and you have to guess which WWE Superstar took a shit in it.

***Where the Hell is Marc Lloyd anyway?

***Next up was a short video meeting Jessica Lynch, or some other soldiers, I can’t tell any of them apart. Sable, Dawn Marie, Rhyno and Rey Mysterio were there at a meet and greet and it came across like they were really cool people. Off course Rey Rey was wearing his mask which looks SO FRIGGIN’ DUMB in the context of the real world. But I digress.

(2) Chris Benoit beat Nunzio (w/ Johnny Stamboli & the Grandmaster Chuckie P). Finish came as Benoit reversed the Arrivaderci into the Crippler Crossface!

Heat Index: One great spot came in the middle of Benoit’s Rolling Germans spot. Palumbo was going to interfere, but Benoit German’d Nunzio right into him. Classic! They also had a really cool spot at the beginning of the match I felt the WWE totally messed up. Benoit came down and was basically in between all three men outside the ring. It was SO set up for him to look to the back and have two guys come out for a MONSTER pop, but of course no one came out, and no one in the crowd gave two shits about the match.

JOB Failure: I don’t know who it was, but Tony Chimmel wasn’t the announcer tonight and the guy who was sucked. It sounded to me that he totally botched Tony the Bull’s name, which was sure to drive Torch Legend Tony Marshall up a wall.

Kayfabe Factor: After the match Benoit got destroyed by the Three Stooges. This was after wrestling a whole match in that god awful “Toothless Aggression” shirt. Yes, the whole match. What? Did he piss off Johnny Ace or something? Get to the bottom of this Powell!

***Next up was one of the greatest WWE skits of all time! Funaki (yes, Funaki lives!) and Tajiri (wearing an unbelievably cool Tajiri Spider-man shirt, is this on Shopzone?!) were watching a tape of Big Show getting the 619 last week and replaying it over and over. It was so good because Tajiri was doing his bizarre Japanese-English that no one other than Torch MMA Guy Nick Moore can understand while pantomiming Big Show’s facial expressions. Incredible! Big Show came in and destroyed the TV while yelling, “You think this is funny?!” No Show, I think “this” is fat.

The Torch Retort: What’s going on in this grand ‘ol site of ours?

#5) One of the best things about the Torch site is Jason Powell’s Torch Today updates. Why? Because he cuts to the chase and just gives us the info point blank. For example, here is something from Wednesday: -Bill Goldberg is scheduled to appear on the syndicated "Wayne Brady" show on Friday. Check local listings for times and stations. That’s it. Cut and dried. Here’s the how that very same sentence would have been writing by other well known IWC members…

By Dave Meltzer: You can still get a subscription to the Observer including this past Monday's issue, which is one of the largest and most talked about issues in our history, surprisingly enough-even more than last weeks, with Part III of the history of the Bob Sapp phenomenon, including how, even though most wrestling fans do not have clue to who he is, let alone the mainstream public, it is appropriate to compare him to the Beatles and Elvis as most certainly in 30 years people will still be forever remembering the magical days of “The Beast.” For new readers, since so many have asked via email, regular mail, telegram, smoke signals and mental telepathy, if you order a subscription of three or more months, we'll backdate it to start with the March issues so you can get the first two parts of the history of the WWF as well as the Wrestlemania issue. A three month subscription of The Observer -now in its 21st year as the leading insider pro wrestling publication in the world, read weekly by many of the most influential decision makers in the business as well as many of the biggest stars both past and present- is approximate 42,000,000 words of text, which is the equivalent of reading both the Bible and the Dictionary back to back 10 times. -- Goldberg will appear on the Wayne Brady show Friday.

By a 411 Columnist: Be sure to check out Eric S’s column, because I’ll tell you something, if I swung that way I would certainly swallow for him. And let’s elect Rivet for President, because he’s just that damn good. Hyatte checks in with the Midnight News and is the best writer that ever lived, well except for maybe Joshua Grutman. The world renowned Ashish also has excited news about Goldberg meeting Wayne Brady, listen to the man, he knows his news.

By Dave Scherer, from a site well known for it’s pop-ups: Rhetorical and Unanswered Questions:

When is Bill Goldberg going to be on David Letterman instead of Wayne Brady?

Am I the only one who wonders why Wayne Brady has a talk show but Ryan Stiles and Drew Carrey Don’t?

Is anyone amazed as I am that Friday always seems to fall between Thursday and Saturday?

Did it shock anyone that they used a phrase like “check local times and listings” instead of just writing out every television station in North America?

By Mojo Mitchell: Super Sized Steve Austin will meet Funny Black Guy on Friday.

#4) Here’s the latest The Snake and the Mongoose along with Insult to Injury. You may have notice a lack of LOUNGE offerings from yours truly. That’s because I have apparently been relieved of that responsibility by people higher up on the IWC food chain than myself. The Old Derek would have gone through the roof. The New Derek now takes lemons and makes them lemonade, and will put stuff like Ripped From the Headlinez in v2.0 Hour Two, which will have the added bonus of pissing off the people who think this is too long already. Huzzah for me!

#3) It’s week number 1000 in Pat McNeill’s Internet Idol with no end in site. Chris Hyatte gives a lot of compelling reasons why song parodies should certainly not be made in print. While I would certainly paint myself in the group that agrees with that sentiment, I do think that if for some god knows reason you feel compelled to do a song parody, it has to be a song that everyone in the world would know. Eminem’s “Will the Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up” might be okay. “Lose Yourself” had it’s moments when it was hot as hell. But “8 Mile Road”?! Puh-lease.

#2) Did you see this? The WWE gives a survey to the fans. A while back I read a great article by The Melt that talked in depth of a very similar thing that WCW did back in the day before it went out of business. It asked all the right questions, got an amazing response from the group that stopped watching wrestling, and proceeded to ignore it completely. Will the WWE follow the same path? Who knows, but the good money is on “all signs point to YES.” Meanwhile, my inside sources tell me that many VIP Members were sent a survey from PWTorch.com. This survey had such questions as:

- Would you like to see more song parodies on the Torch?
- Do you enjoy reading established writers i.e. Jason Powell, Bruce Mitchell, Pat McNeill?
- Do you enjoy reading younger writers i.e. Pete Nyman, Mike Sempervive, James Guttman?
- Do you enjoy reading insane writers i.e. Nick Moore, Derek Burgan, Keith Lipinski?
- Don’t you really think Wade Keller should just go ahead and just get rid of Derek Burgan?
- Would you like to see more songs in the LOUNGE jukebox?
- Who would you like to see in the next Torch Diva Calendar Shoot, Ellen Cohen, Mallory Mahling or Bobbi Jo Bethel?
- Would you like to see Keith Lipinski make more pop-culture references from the early 80's or late 80's?
- Would you like the Torch to admit pro-wrestling outside the United States exists?

#1) Holy Burnout Batman! How does Ellen Cohen do it?! Amazing! And now we have the Torch Babe Mallory Mahling doing the Live updates of Raw. The fairer sex of the Torch are taking over and doing a better job then the men!

Special thanks to v2.0’er Richard Diaz for this fantastic Stephen Hawkings Thuganomics site!

(3) Rey Mysterio beat Crash (w/ Mattitude & Shannon AllThatAnd Moore). Finish came after Rey hit the 619 and then came off the top rope with a springboard leg drop. Awesome.

Heat Index: Crash is out of purgatory and is an MF’er?! Smackdown is the greatest show on TV! Shannon Moore did an awesome bit where he clocked Rey with Matt’s new book, which is how product placement should be done. As usual, Mysterio was ‘the man.’ In fact, right before he did his springboard finish, Shannon went to jump him on the ring apron and Rey Rey just flipped him over to the ground. Great stuff all around.

JOB Failure: WTF? Matt goes over to the announcer’s desk and doesn’t say a word?! That ain’t right! This guy is gold behind the mic! He did do an amazing job at selling his disgust when Crash lost. The look was perfect, absolutely priceless.

Kayfabe Factor: Matt Fact: Matt only uses low fat salad dressings & Matt told his brother to use Monster.com

***John Cena is backstage with A-Train trying to get him motivated for his match against Brock Lesnar. Cena accidentally knocked over a VCR and did some quick improve instead of not selling it at all. He then played a tape where it looked like Brock broke A-Train’s neck during a move that I don’t ever remember seeing on Smackdown. Seriously, this looked worse than Brock’s Shooting Star Press.

(4) Rikishi beat Roddy Piper (w/Sean O’Haire) byDQ. The finish came as Piper was about to get Stinkfaced and O’Haire ran in for the attack.

Heat Index: “ That donkey's name is Julian? I have a friend named Julian. Does that donkey fix cars?” No. “Oh, then they're probably not related...I'm Brian Fellow!”

JOB Failure: Wait A Second., Piper wrestle’s without his shirt, totally out of shape and whiter than David Duke in full Ku Klux Klan regalia, and Chris Benoit wrestle’s in the dumbest shirt ever made?! What the hell is going on here?!

Kayfabe Factor: Okay, after the match O’Haire did a cool looking reverse DVD on Rikishi that was kinda cool, so it wasn’t all for waste. And damn, is that guy ripped or what?! Seriously, this was just plain horrible. Almost as if it was a rib on all of us watching.


New From PWTorch Films! It Runs in the Torch Family: The Torch is a highly successful dirtsheet/Internet family - except when it comes to communicating with each other. Three generations of writers, each in their own way, live separate lives but find a couple moments in time, usually on Monday and Thursday nights but occasionally a Sunday as well, to come together through laughter and tears and remind themselves that they are attached by sarcasm. The Head Honcho (Wade Keller), the patriarch, is having difficulty coming to grips with his favorite pastime being targeted to a group 15 years his junior. His formerly prized protégé, The Torch Sex Symbol (Derek Burgan), has spent his life trying to earn his bosses respect while only succeeding in alienating him, while the Honcho’s eldest writer, Mojo (Bruce Mitchell), a cantankerous curmudgeon, tries to cope with the fact the Hurricane has a better chance to bring in new fans to wrestling than "Suit Guy."

MPAA Rating: PG-13 for constant typos, no selling of email and the “F dash dash dash word”.

END OF HOUR ONE It's time for Hour Two!

***Derek Burgan writes Smackdown Express each and every week for all the PWTorch readers who would rather watch coherent things like the Jamie Kennedy X-Periment. Bastards! He can be reached at Dburgan@pwtorch.com and welcomes any and all comments and/or suggestions.

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