By Jeremy Maes, Torch Lounger Extraordinaire

WWE Heat review
Taped Sept 19, 2005
Aired September 25, 2005 on Spike TV for the final time
Report by Jeremy Maes

So, it's come to this, one last go around for Heat on network, cable broadcasting. Yes, after so many years of good programming and creative story lines Heat has come to an end, as we know it. Sigh, if this were only the case. Instead Heat goes out with a whimper, as there should be nothing worthwhile to watch yet again, much like the last several years. Is this a real surprise though? I mean, creative can’t come up with enough worthy television for Raw and Smackdown, their big broadcasts, let alone the tiny hour here on Heat.

Anyway, this is the last edition of Heat on Spike TV, regardless of how piss poor it has been. It is newsworthy as Heat made its debut as an actual show of consequence back in the Monday Night Raw era. It was even live from time to time as a buffer for a major angle on Raw instead of just before the PPV of the month. This was the show that gave us Shane McMahon as announcer and later as wrestler. Steve Austin actually wrestles on Heat as well as Rock, Triple H, Mick Foley and other main-event stars. Now, we get Rob Conway, HurriRosey, Tyson Tomko and an assortment of people who no one watches on Raw.

Enough of that, this should be a time of celebration but it’s hard to celebrate a show that has fallen so far off the map that Vince McMahon and his writing staff don’t know the different wrestlers that wrestle on the show. The same goes for Velocity. But they had their shot already; tonight it is all about the Heat. So, for the final time on Spike TV, let's get to some Heat.

We start with Monday's bait and switch of Bischoff announcing the new WWE champion only to have his big announcement broken up by Vinnie Mac. Vince gives the speech about WWE Homecoming and a bunch of pickled wrestlers who are past their prime, although he mentions Austin, so not all are past their prime, just too decrepit to wrestle. Then he announces Bischoff versus John Cena. Then Coach and The King run down the lineup for WWE Homecoming. There is no mention of this coming Monday’s Raw though, hmm, could it be that they won’t even try for a newsworthy show for Monday night? What? Oh, my bad they have been doing that for months.

The Heartthrobs’ music plays and the two luckiest guys in WWE come down the ring to zero response. They slap hands like Kindergarteners and then strip like High School girls. Eugene and Tajiri are out next and the crowd seems happy. You know, as I wrote, all four of these guys could have been let go if they had not saved Heat for WWE.com which strikes me funny. This would have been a farewell show for all of them.

1) Eugene and Tajiri defeated The Heartthrobs Eugene stole one of the boas before the match and ran around the ring with it acting like Billy Graham, you know the preacher. He then rubs it on his butt like Billy in clear mocking of the Throbs’ wardrobe. Eugene gets attacked and ends up riding Antonio or Romeo, hard to tell sometimes since no one cares about the Throbs. Tajiri comes in and kicks Antonio in the face in the tree of woe. Tajiri comes back only to get a kick in the back from Romeo on the outside. Antonio takes over and tags Romeo back in the ring. They give Tajiri a double Russian leg sweep and then Romeo lays in with some punches. The crowd starts chanting Eugene as The Throbs work over Tajiri.

Coach starts talking about Cade and Murdoch and says he feels Murdoch is bound to become a fan favorite based on his facial expressions. I actually agree but it could be because the guy is decent in the ring and fat hillbillies can relate to him. Sorry, I call em like I see em.

Finally Tajiri makes the tag and Eugene cleans house The Throbs though hit the Hart Attack out of nowhere for a quick two count. Tajiri breaks it up and hits both Throbs with his handspring elbow. Then, in a cool spot, both Tajiri and Eugene lock on tarantulas. The referee breaks them both up and Eugene hits the stunner on Romeo for the three count.

Blather Points: The crowd was still in to Eugene and popped for all of Tajiri's signature spots. Coach pointed out afterwards that every time the fans cheer for him we are that much further from never seeing him again. Hmm, sounds like a line fed from Vince and company. The Throbs are pretty much useless as anything but jobbers. Their act has never grown past the one dimensional, "we are not gay party boys." Who knows if they have any real talent in a WWE environment though? They haven’t been given the chance really but then as a tag team they never will.

Coach and Grisham plug Homecoming again.

Kerwin has a new video up and he introduces us to his new caddy, Mr. Nick Nemeth. See, Nick has been in OVW for a spell and had a nice little feud with Ken Doane. He's kind of bland but he's young and can wrestle pretty well for someone unseasoned. He says he will always be right there by Kerwin's side. Chavo fakes hitting a golf ball and says that's nice, that's really nice. See the problem is, well, golf sucks but that has nothing to do with the vignette. The real problem is that they didn’t even bother adding sound effects to at least make it appear he hit a friggin ball. No sound of the club, no brush with the grass and no sound of metal on golf ball. Maybe that is a little nit picking but it does matter. He has a ridiculous gimmick but the only way to get it over is to add some realism; just the small things that can add up.

Commercial Break Yes, gambling sites make the airwaves. Well, it says it’s a no gambling site but we all know it is. "Into The Blue" what a great idea for a movie starring Jessica Alba, get her in skimpy bikinis add some water and film it. Plot? Who gives a s**t about plot. Make up some crap about treasure and sharks and pancakes. There, there's your friggin plot.

WWE actually acknowledges their fantasy game board and someone called Las Vegas Evolvers is winning. Congrats my friend, congrats.

Now Playing: Ric Flair still has it. They show still frames of Flair defeating Carlito and then give an actual live view of him giving his speech afterwards. Nice little bit there and made the Intercontinental title seem important. Well, that was until they gave away a free version of the match the next night on Raw. Flair actually connects with the ham hock off the top rope on Carlito. Flair eventually makes Carlito submit to the Figure Four after Ric held the ropes.

Afterwards, Carlito interrupts Flair's backstage interview and the two fight. Chris Masters breaks up the fight by attacking Flair and putting him in the Masterlock. Carlito punches away and finally spits in Flair's face. Boy, Triple H has this angle tailor made for him.

Commercial BreakSerenity looks like a decent movie and hopefully will pan out for a successful franchise. We need the next great Sci-Fi film brigade after Star Wars ended and Star Trek burnt out. This commercial with the guy in his underwear for what appears to be a video game is damn creepy. He reminds me of my buddy Ken, hairy, wearing underoos and proud of it.

2)Kerwin White with Nick Nemeth defeated Matt Striker Problem number one with the gimmick, Kerwin is still riding in the golf cart. If you have someone carrying your bags you do not need a cart. Golf carts were invented because white people got lazy and greedy. If they could find a motorized cart to drive them everywhere, they didn't have to exercise. If the same cart can carry bags, you save on caddy's fees and tips. So, you either have a cart or you have a caddy to carry your bags. It’s that simple.

Chavo actually removed his vest before the match and placed it on a hanger. Nemeth hung it on the ring ropes and the match begins. Striker takes down Chavo immediately and Kerwin was none to happy. Kerwin places him in a short-lived hammerlock but Matt turns out of it and gives him an armdrag. Chavo gives him a European uppercut . Striker comes back and gives Kerwin another armdrag. Chavo gets him on the mat though and stomps away on Strikers leg. Kerwin says something to the crowd and gets an actual vocal reaction back. Grisham actually validates my criticism by asking why Kerwin needs a caddy when he drives a cart. See, it’s not just me.

Coachman avoids the question as Chavo kicks away at Strikers knee. Chavo rushes Striker in the corner and meets a boot. He then rushes again and gets hit with a clothesline. Kerwin's elbow starts bleeding for no reason as Striker hits him with a dropkick. Striker rolls out of the corner and clamps on an armbar Grisham describes as "the hold." Kerwin gives Striker a drop toehold but he rolls with it and places Striker in the half crab for the tap out.

After the match, Kerwin puts on a golf glove and gloats as Nemeth hands him a golf club. Chavo then practices his swing as we go to break.

Blather Points: Not a bad match but the entire conundrum of Chavo/Kerwin overshadows he performance. There are so many questions about this gimmick and angle it is hard to concentrate. Maybe I am putting too much thought in to a simple wrestling gimmick but at least that makes one person. Striker is good in the ring. I wish they would do more with him instead of jobbing him out. I believe his last win was against Johnny Parisi who has been absent so far tonight.

Commercial Break They are still making Mortal Kombat games? Good lord, I played those in college and they don’t look much different. Spike TV wants you to know that "Super Troopers" is on next. You should watch it unless you turn on Cinemax late night and see it uncensored or on Secret Stash on Comedy Central uncensored.

Now Playing: The eight man tag match This was billed as the biggest main event in the history of Raw. Um, I could name two right off the bat that was bigger and more meaningful. One would be Austin versus Kane after King of the Ring. Another would be the last "biggest main event in the history of Raw" you know, the one we are bound to see in a few weeks. This is not to say that this match was not fun. It was definitely a good time and decent viewing and that has been absent from Raw for a while. The end came when all of the faces pinned Edge. Yep, every one of them was on top of Edge as the referee counted. Why did he count instead of getting everyone out of the ring? Who cares, that is that pesky logic again.

Commercial Break Real fights, blah blah, real competition and real petty people. Wow, just like a night out at the bar for yours truly

3) Rob Conway defeated You know some people actually like this theme song? Coachman apparently is one of those people as he actually sings along with some of the words. Incredible, just incredible, pure crap is being accepted by some serious fans. Grisham gives the "Main Event" catchphrase that has never caught on. Out next is Shelton Benjamin, you remember him from such feuds as Carlito Cool and currently Kerwin White. They start off with an arm ringer and armlock by Conway who still has his sunglasses on. Shelton reverses the armbar and goes behind with a hammerlock. Grisham actually said both men are high-fliers. Um, has he seen a Rob Conway match? I know he has called one but it is now confirmed he never watched one. Conway, still wearing shades, gets hit with a hip toss and then stands up. He calls the referee over and slowly removes the sunglasses and hands them to him. Conway gives Shelton a hiptoss and then misses an elbow drop. This has been pretty good so far. Shelton backdrops Conway, who rolls out of the ring for our first commercial break.

Commercial Break There's no such thing as too far, such as making a sequel to Big Motha Truckers. Was it totally necessary to make a sequel to an at best, mediocre game? TNA's new commercial is awesome. It captures everything TNA is trying to be on a massive scale. Action, big bumps and action. Pray wrestling fans, pray that they catch on and provide a legitimate shot in WWE's ass.

Back from the break, Conway is in control and choking Shelton. The referee breaks it up so Conway goes back in again. Shelton rolls towards the ropes and Conway stomps on him. Conway picks up Shelton slowly and hooks him for a neckbreaker. What makes this notable is that Shelton actually fights it instead of simply allowing Conway to manhandle him. It's the little things kids. Conway pounds on Shelton's back but Shelton comes back with a springboard off the top rope with an elbow. Nice move. Shelton makes the comeback with punches and chops. Conway misses a corner, um, something allowing Shelton to hit the Stinger Splash. Shelton gets a two count after a quick pin. Conway goes for a suplex but Shelton powers out and lands a Samoan drop out of nowhere. Conway roles out of the ring and Shelton follows to the floor. The referee counts to ten as both men fail to get back in the ring. What a fitting end to Heat. Really, a wish wash of an ending to a decent match. Why am I not surprised?

Blather Points: What a let down and the crowd sure knew it. You could see the disgust on their faces with the cheap finish. Even if the match ended by Shelton losing by count out it would have been better than the crap finish of an over wrestler drawing with a non-over wrestler. It’s a sad state when things like this start happening. The finish also took away from a good match. Conway is pretty good in the ring and could work as a good foil for Shelton. I am all in favor of this feud. Now we'll see if it plays out. I bet it is on Raw tomorrow.

Well, that's it for Sunday Night Heat as we know it. Nice of the show to feature some decent in ring action for once, as all of the matches were solid but unspectacular. It’s still rather sad that this once burgeoning show has been reduced to Internet fodder instead of a legitimate lead in show for Raw on Mondays. It doesn’t take a genius to book this show in advance and then make adjustments as they go along as needed. So, WWE is down to two shows on Monday and Friday respectively. Instead of utilizing all of their time they abused it and now, they have no vehicle to sell last minute PPV's or sell their main attraction on Mondays. Bravo WWE, bravo.

Jeremy Maes welcomes any comments, oversights and opinions you have to share. Drop me a line at jeremymaes@yahoo.com. If you send me e-mail please include something in the title of the e-mail saying what you are writing about. My Lounge column, Frustration Nation is posted Wednesday. Check it out. Until then, don’t follow my path son, don't follow my path!

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