WWE Raw Report CALDWELL'S WWE RAW RESULTS 12/2 (Hour 3): Cena-Orton contract signing, Henry dances, Prime Time Pukers, more
Dec 2, 2013 - 10:15:45 PM
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WWE Raw TV Results
December 2, 2013 - Episode #1,070
Live in Oklahoma City, Okla.
Aired on USA Network
Report by James Caldwell (@JCTorch), PWTorch assistant editor
Third Hour Raw Results
Next Week: One Slammys category will be "Total Diva of the Year."
Backstage: Renee Young was standing by with C.M. Punk to discuss The Shield. Renee asked Punk to react to facing Shield in a handicap match at the TLC PPV. Punk took a deep breath, then went nuts talking about how excited he is about the creative genius who came up with this idea. Punk then mockingly "sports-entertained" with music from "West Side Story." Punk got serious and said he's going down. And he's taking The Shield with him.
Arena: Wade Barrett has some bad news. It's about Thanksgiving. Barrett said as a result of eating unhealthy food, Americans's arteries are clogged, they sweat when they eat, and they are all constipated. #BadNewsBarrett flashed on the screen again. Should have been #McMahonHumor.
Backstage: The Miz and Kofi Kingston had an uneasy meeting. Kofi extended his hand and Miz reluctantly shook. Lawler said they are reluctantly giving it another go as a tag team against Ryback and Curtis Axel.
[Commercial Break at 10:10]
Wednesday on Main Event: Goldust vs. Ryback in singles action.
In-ring: "Former Paul Heyman Guys" Ryback, with a protruding gut on-display, and Curtis Axel were standing by in the ring. The Miz and Kofi Kingston were then introduced separately to team up again.
7 -- THE MIZ & KOFI KINGSTON vs. RYBACK & CURTIS AXEL
As the match started, the announcers discussed the history of WWE champions and World champions. As for the match, Ryback displayed his power with a delayed vertical suplex on Miz. "Yeaaaahhhhhh!" Axel shouted from the ring apron. Ryback continued to toy with Miz as Axel shouted verbal insults from the ring apron. Miz finally escaped Ryback and tagged in Kofi, who ducked a clothesline, causing Miz to take the blow from Ryback. After some chaos, Ryback settled things down with Shell Shock to Kofi. Ryback then pinned Kofi for the pin and the win.
Post-match: Axel confidently left the ring with Ryback, who smiled at his work. Back in the ring, Miz helped up Kofi, then slapped him across the face. Miz promptly left the ring with a scowl on his face. "Are you kidding me?" Kofi asked. The announcers played it up as the two of them trying to make each other better competitors.
WINNERS: Ryback & Axel at 5:54. Is this going anywhere? Or, will it be forgotten by next week?
Merch Table: Los Matadores tried to sell some merchandise, but El Torito entered the scene and played an animal trying to grab all of the items, ruining their sales pitch. Diego and Fernando calmed down El Torito, then completed the sales pitch.
Raw Last Monday: John Cena dropped Alberto Del Rio with an AA, but Randy Orton blindsided Cena and stood tall to close Raw with possession of both top title belts. The contract signing is coming up.
[Commercial Break at 10:25]
Slammys Next Week: It's the "LOL! Moment of the Year." Lawler again spoke in vague terms about there being some "great ones" this year. Please, elaborate.
In-ring: Fandango was in the ring with Summer Rae, making her second appearance of the show. Mark Henry's music then played to bring out Henry, who filled up the camera shot with his "That's What I Do" t-shirt. Henry, who already feels like just another wrestler on the roster, marched to the ring with eyes on Fandango. What happened to Henry's partnership with Big E. Langston?
8 -- MARK HENRY vs. FANDANGO (w/Summer Rae)
Fandango tried to distract Henry with dancing, which was the First Hour when Tons of Funk and XavierTruth feuded over dance moves. Henry was not in the mood and ran over Fandango. Well, maybe he was in the mood, as he gyrated in front of Summer Rae. Fandango tried to use the distraction to his advantage, but Henry back-elbowed him. A brief "Sexual Chocolate" chant came up as Henry continued to use dance moves.
Henry missed with a corner charge, though. Fandango then went on the offensive before coming off the top rope with a big splash. Henry tried to catch him, but Fandango fell on top of Henry and collapsed on top of him for a nearfall. Moments later, they went to Fandango falling into Henry's arms for a World's Strongest Slam. It was good for the win. Post-match, Henry did more dance moves toward Summer Rae, who refused Henry's advances.
WINNER: Henry at 3:22.
Announcers: Cole said he can't believe they're going to make them talk about this, but back on Friday's Smackdown, Titus O'Neil threw up in JBL's cowboy hat. Cole called it disgusting and made a sour-looking facial expression to set up the video clip. This is what gets replayed from Friday's Smackdown. #McMahonHumor. The clip sent Raw to break.
[Commercial Break at 10:35]
This Friday: C.M. Punk faces one member of The Shield on Smackdown.
In-ring: The Prime Time Players were in the ring prepared for tag team action. The Real Americans were then introduced as the opposition. On the mic, Zeb Colter asked Oklahoma if they're glad to see them. On the way to the ring, Zeb asked what kind of a man likes to puke on another man. In the ring, Titus smiled. Zeb said that man is Titus O'Neil. He said now PTP means Prime Time Pukers. Zeb said deviant behavior like that will not be tolerated in the ring or in their America. Zeb then led the crowd in shouting, "We The People." Cole said he actually agrees with Zeb here, continuing to move Zeb away from the "controversial" heel routine.
9 -- REAL AMERICANS (JACK SWAGGER & ANTONIO CESARO w/Zeb Colter) vs. PRIME TIME PLAYERS (TITUS O'NEIL & DARREN YOUNG)
Titus was knocked to the outside early on, prompting the announcers to wonder if Titus is starting to get sick again. The modern-day Droz tried to fight back on Swagger, but the Real Americans cornered him to keep Titus away from D-Young. Swagger Bomb, then a double-stomp to Titus's stomach. Young had enough and broke up a pin attempt. Meanwhile, the announcers continued to offer stomach-ache-related one-liners and quips about Titus's condition.
[Q12] Cesaro grappled Titus for the Big Swing, which no one wanted to see. But, Cesaro did it anyways. Titus sold losing his lunch, then Zeb got on the ring apron and told Cesaro to stop because he's going to puke again. Cesaro took his instructions as Titus held his stomach, did some over-the-top facial reactions, and stumbled back into his corner to tag in D-Young.
Young tagged in and cleaned house as Titus recovered on the floor. Young got over-zealous and tried a top-rope attack on Cesaro, but Cesaro intercepted with a big European Uppercut. It was good for the pin and the win on Young. As the Americans celebrated on the outside, Titus continued to sell the possibility of throwing up.
WINNERS: Real Americans at 6:43. McMahon's writing continues to regress. It's as if he's Benjamin Button turning into an eight-year-old coming up with content that would appeal to elementary school kids. A match like this is the "main event" slot is a joke, which combined with the lack of coherent booking for the top programs is a double-whammy of why WWE needs a Creative change. Of course, when the owner, GM, and head coach are all the same, no change is coming. Matt Hardy summed it up on Twitter after Raw: "Just saw a clip of Titus puking on SD. Speaking from experience, I don't know anyone who finds regurgitation more entertaining than Vince."
Backstage: Triple H and Stephanie McMahon were shown smiling as they walked backstage with possession of the TLC PPV main event contract.
[Commercial Break at 10:50]
Total Divas plug: Brie Bella and Nikki Bella are having drama over Nikki's injury. And, there are other problems.
Next Monday: "Match of the Year" will be voted on for the Slammys show.
Announcers: Lawler stepped up at the announce table to reveal the App vote on what the champion should be called after TLC. The winner was Unified Champion with 38 percent, followed by 31 percent each for Unified WWE champion and Unified World champion. Cole dumped water on the App vote, saying he's sure The Authority will take this vote under consideration.
Cena-Orton Contract Signing
In-ring: Triple H's music played to bring out Hunter and Stephanie McMahon. The Authority walked past a collection of tables, ladders, and chairs positioned in and around the ring before arriving in the ring. Hunter spoke first that they have scheduled a monumental match for the TLC PPV in two weeks. Stephanie reinforced that there will be one winner, one Undisputed, Unified champion. "We guarantee it," she said.
Stephanie then introduced WWE champion Randy Orton first. Orton hit the ring and posed in the corner as Hunter and Stephanie clapped it up for him. Stephanie then introduced his opponent, the World Hvt. champion John Cena to loud screams from the crowd. Cole name-dropped Ric Flair, saying only Flair has held more World Titles than Cena, who hit the ring to applause from The Authority.
[Q13 -- over-run] Once everyone was in the ring, Hunter thanked both men for coming out here. Hunter told them to sit or stand, whatever. Steph sarcastically thanked Orton for his message about being bigger than WWE, then Hunter hyped his personal titleholder. Hunter name-dropped past champions, with "Stone Cold" Steve Austin getting the loudest pop. Hunter then name-dropped past World champions, with Ric Flair getting loud "whoos" and Shawn Michaels getting the loudest pop. Steph again interjected with a "Triple H" name-drop, drawing boos.
Hunter said unifying the titles has been something they have been thinking about for a long time. But, they needed both champions going into the match to be The Face of WWE. And they have reached that time with both Cena and Orton. Hunter said they have a moment in time to cement their legacies forever. Orton sat off to the side contemplating this, then stood up and surveyed the contract.
Hunter presented Orton with the pen and Orton signed the contract as Stephanie looked on. Hunter then presented Cena with the contract, which Cena hurriedly signed. Once the title match was official, Steph gave them a chance to speak about the match.
Orton spoke first. Orton said he is better than all former champions, including Cena. But, that's why The Authority chose him to be the Face of WWE. Besides, they don't like John Cena very much. The crowd responded with cheers and boos. Orton said he is the only one capable of taking down Cena and putting him out of his misery.
Cena coughed to interrupt. He mockingly introduced himself as World Hvt. champion John Cena, prompting Orton to have an IED moment telling him to shut up. Orton reminded Cena that he kicked his dad in the head a few years ago. And since then, he's made a great career for himself destroying the hopes and dreams of his opponents. Orton said despite all of Cena's accomplishments, the only reason why he was put on God's green earth is to lose the biggest match ---
"Would you just shut up?!" Cena shouted. Cena mocked Orton's speech, then went back to 10 years ago when Hunter hand-picked Orton to be a success in WWE, but he never lived up to his potential. Ever. Orton wiped his head in frustration. Cena said he doesn't fault Hunter because he picked the most-gifted WWE star ever. But, with that, he got cocky and a bad attitude to boot. Then, he got lazy. Orton seethed. Cena said Orton got lazy, so he took his spot. Cena said he's the first to show up and last to leave.
Cena said Orton thinks he should be given everything because of his legacy and family history, so he should think in one hand and crap in the other, then see which one fills up faster. Cena said if Orton gets anything from him at TLC, he will have earned it. Cena said he's not the Apex Predator, just John Cena. Cena gave him two options: leave or make a move. But, listen up. Cena tossed the baseball cap. If Orton so much as makes one single move right now, this audience will be reminded of what a TLC match really is. So, is he going to step up or step aside?
Orton tried to dump the contract table on Cena, but Cena ducked and tackled Orton. The brawl spilled out to ringside, where Cena delivered a ladder shot to the shoulder. Cena continued to unload on Orton, who fought back with headbutts. Orton posted Cena, then cleared the announce table. But, Cena came back with a steel chair jab to the gut. Cena removed his t-shirt, then jabbed Orton in the gut again.
Back in the ring, Orton pushed a ladder into Cena's face, temporarily KO'ing the World champ. Orton then picked up a chair and popped the chair across Cena's back. And again. More jabs to the chest. Cole said the crowd is in a frenzy right now as Orton began re-arranging furniture in the ring. Orton took too long to follow up, allowing Cena to recover and chuck Orton through a table propped up in the corner. Cena then did a Thumbs Up / Thumbs Down motion. Cena wanted an Attitude Adjustment, and he drove Orton through another table. Cole called it a major statement by the World champion. Cena then reversed last week's ending by holding up both top titles while standing tall over Orton. Cole said there will be only one Unified champion in two weeks at TLC. Raw signed off 15 minutes past the top of the hour with Cena continuing to stand tall.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Strong final segment once The Authority got out of the way, complete with a lot of physicality given away - something that WWE probably felt was necessary to sell this main event after a string of poor PPVs. But, is it really necessary to have three hours worth of filler and gunk to make Cena-Orton look epic in juxtaposition to the rest of the show? It seems very inefficient.
Regarding the loopholes in-play with Cena vs. Orton, the theory gaining traction is Triple H takes both titles himself at the TLC PPV to stand alone as WWE champion (which Orton is holding for him) and World champion (which was re-introduced for him in September 2002). It's plausible considering Stephanie name-dropped Hunter twice when Hunter was running down the list of former WWE champs and World champs. Then, of course, the original Undisputed champion Chris Jericho could show up and challenge Hunter, who ran down Jericho a few months ago. See how far the rabbit trail can go here? Overall, the Hunter Loophole Theory is a cousin to the other loophole theory that Hornswoggle takes out both Cena and Orton, then runs up the ladder and takes both belts, which would be fitting after the first three hours of this week's Raw.
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