WWE Raw Alt. Perspective report
March 14, 2011
Live from St. Louis, Mo.
Aired on USA Network
Report by Xander Assaad, PWTorch contributor

[Q1]

-- WWE Open.

-- The show opened cold with a picture of The Rock. The live audience cheered. The Rock’s voice came on, and he said, “Thank you, Mr. President.” The Rock was revealed, sitting in an office, talking to “the President” about John Cena‘s “final knockout” last week. Rock asked the President if he laughed, then said of course not. Nobody laughed. Live in the arena, John Cena’s music hit. The Rock congratulated John Cena on finally showing up to his house. He told "Cena" that it was finally time to talk, man-to-man.

Suddenly, a five year-old dressed in Cena attire popped into the office and said, “You can’t see me.” The Rock turned to the camera and raised his eyebrow. Then he stood up and told “Cena” he wasn’t gangster. If Cena wanted to talk with him, he needed to talk like an adult. The child started to rap. He said, “Yo, my name’s John Cena... I’m putting on the hurt... I’m a big tough guy with a bright purple shirt!” The audience laughed and applauded. The Rock sat down in his chair so he could be face-to-face with “Cena.” He said that they should have had this talk a long time ago. Rock talked about Cena “taking the ball,” about how Cena rose to prominence after The Rock left WWE. He touched on Cena’s “cultural impact,” then compared Cena to Kermit, The Frog, and Barney.

Rock asked “Cena” why he would never be as good as The Rock. “Cena” said that it was because he just wasn’t that talented. Rock gave a sigh of relief and asked “Cena” how it felt to have the truth out there. As “Cena” started to answer, Rock caught him off and said it didn’t matter how he felt. “Cena” started to cry, and Rock told him that real men shouldn’t cry. He handed “Cena” another one of the purple HLR shirts and told him to use that to wipe his tears. Rock then gave “Cena” a gift -- a box of Fruity Pebbles. “Cena” said, “Hustle... Loyalty... Respect... and Fruity Pebbles?! Yes!” Rock said that the cereal was good for his muscles, then flexed. He said Cena would never have muscles like him and that they were what “heaven looks like.” Wow. “Cena” took the box of Fruity Pebbles and exited.

Rock turned his attention to the Miz. He got serious. For some odd reason, music began to play in the background. Rock said that Miz might be the most must-see Champion in WWE history, but Rock was the most electrifying man in all of entertainment. He addressed Miz mocking his moves on Raw last week, then vowed to deliver the Miz the biggest ass-whupping he would ever receive. Rock said that the time for talk was over. He reiterated the fact that he was going to show up on Raw before WrestleMania and “bring it.” He told Cena to shut his mouth, then claimed that the only thing Cena or Miz should worry about was how Rock was going to destroy them. Rock closed out the promo with, “Do you smell what The Rock is cooking?”

REAX: I don't know what WWE is thinking by allowing Rock to cut these promos, but I'm glad he is. From a business stand point, I do believe that Rock attacking John Cena (and WWE's business model in general) could backfire, but he's saying exactly what many people in the audience think about the company's product. I thought the promo itself was everything you could hope for: funny, intense, and progressive.

-- Live in the arena, Jerry Lawler said that was an electrifying way to start the show. Josh Mathews talked about Snooki, and she was shown talking to Trish Stratus backstage.

-- Back at the announce table, Michael Cole introduced himself. He was inside of a glass box and had his own, private announce table. He called the box his “broadcast palace... the Cole Mine!”

-- The Miz’s music played. The WWE champion made his way to the ring. Michael Cole stood up and spouted off Miz’s accolades. Cole then threw it a video package that focused on the Miz’s dominance of John Cena over the last three weeks.

-- In the ring, the audience assaulted Miz with an inordinate amount of boos. Miz took the microphone and said, “Really?!” Each time he said it, the crowd enthusiastically repeated the phrase. The Miz then turned his attention to The Rock and said he was a has-been. He talked about Rock’s family, then waited for the crowd to stop chanting, “You suck!” He asked them if they were done, then returned to the promo. He said that Rock’s father and grandfather were good, but they were never WWE Champion. That made Miz better than both of them, and he could say whatever he wanted. Miz dared Rock to step into the ring with him, then vowed to make cry. Miz then talked about Rock’s threats against Cena. He said that Rock didn’t Cena, he did. The audience began chanting, “You suck!” again, but Miz said that it didn’t phase him.

[Q2]

Miz said that week after week, The Rock promised to bring it. He got down on his knees and prayed for Rock to do just that. Miz ended the promo with, “Because I’m the Miz, and I’m awesome!” Suddenly, the Raw G.M. buzzed in. From his glass box, Michael Cole asked for everyone’s attention. He exited the box. As he made his way to the podium, Jerry Lawler stood up and got in his way. He put his hand up and opted to read the email himself. The Raw G.M. announced two “first-time ever matches” for both the Miz and John Cena. Cena would face Alberto Del Rio. Miz didn’t care about that. He said that he had beaten everyone there was to beat. Lawler said that wasn’t true, then pointed at the stage. The Great Khali’s music hit. Oh, mercy me.

[Commercial Break]

1 -- WWE Champion THE MIZ vs. THE GREAT KHALI -- non-title match

The Miz attacked Khali with multiple chops. Khali no-sold, then returned the favor. He floored Miz and attempted to crush his skull. Miz writhed around the ring in attempt to escape. He made it to the ring ropes to break the hold. Khali wouldn’t release it. Suddenly, Alex Riley jumped Khali from behind. The referee immediately disqualified Miz.

WINNER: The Great Khali via DQ in 1:30.

Post-match, Riley continued to assault Khali. Khali gained the upper hand. He set Riley up for a choke slam. The Miz rushed back into the ring and took out Khali with a knee to the leg. Miz then repeatedly smashed the steel chair across Khali’s back. Fourteen times, to be exact. The chair began to fall apart. A couple of times, it was obvious that Miz was hitting the ring canvas and not Khali’s back, but the rest of the time, the shots seemed pretty vicious. He DDT’d Khali onto the chair, then celebrated as he left the ring.

-- At ringside, Michael Cole promised another “world-wide exclusive.” He hyped up an interview with someone from Lawler’s past - an individual who would reveal the truth about The King.

-- Also tonight, Randy Orton faces Mason Ryan in a match with WrestleMania implications.

[Commercial Break]

[Q3]

-- A graphic promoting John Cena’s Facebook page appeared on screen. Apparently, he has gained over a million Facebook friends.

-- Back live, Mathews and Lawler discussed the Triple H-Undertaker match at WrestleMania. Lawler said that it would be one of the most epic matches in the history of the event. Lawler and Mathews narrated the recent history between the two men.

-- A Triple H video package aired. It had epic music initially and focused on a slow motion shot of Triple H's entrance. It turned into a highlight video focusing on Hunter’s brutality.

-- A shot of the Scottrade Center aired as Lawler continued to hype up the WrestleMania match.

-- Backstage, John Morrison was talking to Snooki. Snooki told him that “Jersey Shore” could always use another guest star. Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler walked up. She asked Snooki if she thought being on the cover of “Rolling Stone” made her famous. Vickie claimed that Playboy made her an offer once. Snooki said that it must have been a centerfold, because Vickie wouldn’t fit on a single page. Oy. Vickie tried to slap her. Snooki blocked and slapped Vickie across the face. Snooki and Morrison took off.

[Commercial Break]

-- WWE Did You Know? Over 25,000 autographs will be signed at WrestleMania Axxess.

-- Back live, Justin Roberts introduced Sheamus. As The Celtic Warrior made his way to the ring, Mathews talked about Sheamus making the cover of “Muscle & Fitness.” In the ring, Justin Roberts reminded everyone of Sheamus’s self-imposed stipulations: If he did not win the U.S. Heavyweight Title tonight, he would quit WWE. Daniel Bryan’s music hit. He was accompanied to the ring by Gail Kim.

2 -- U.S. champion DANIEL BRYAN vs. KING SHEAMUS -- U.S. Title match

Sheamus immediately took down Bryan with a hip-toss. Sheamus whipped him into the far-corner, but Bryan leapt off the top rope and over Sheamus’ head. He caught Sheamus with a drop-toe hold and tried to lock in the LeBelle Lock. Sheamus squirmed to the ropes and pulled himself to the outside. Bryan kicked Sheamus off the ring apron, then hit a splash to the outside. He rolled Sheamus back inside, went to the top-rope, and hit a missile drop-kick. He went for a cover and got a two count. Sheamus stood up and sold being stunned, then flopped out of the ring.

[Commercial Break]

[Q4]

Back from break, Sheamus was firmly in control. He had Bryan locked in a rest-hold. Bryan rose to his feet and nailed Sheamus with elbows to the gut. He broke free, but Sheamus knocked him back down to the canvas. Sheamus strung Bryan up in the ring ropes, then wailed away at Bryan’s chest with sharp chops. Sheamus stepped onto the ring apron and smashed Bryan with a running knee-strike. Sheamus went for a cover. Bryan kicked out, and Sheamus started to become frustrated. He tried to hit a tilt-a-whirl back-breaker, but Bryan countered into a small package. Sheamus then fell over the top-rope and landed hard on his ankle. He sold an ankle injury and limped back into the ring.

Bryan tried to attack the injured Sheamus, but the referee held him off. Sheamus leapt to his feet and tried to hit the Brogue Kick. Bryan ducked under it and hit the LeBelle Lock. Sheamus made it to the ropes to break the hold. He popped up and tried to hit the Celtic Cross, but Bryan countered into another small package. Both men came to their feet and exchanged kicks a number of kicks. Bryan won the encounter and got another nearfall. He then jumped up to the top rope. As he flew towards Sheamus, the Celtic Warrior countered with a massive, leaping Brogue Kick. That was good for the win.

WINNER: King Sheamus in 9:00 to win the U.S. Heavyweight Title. If these two have a re-match at WrestleMania, which I’m certain they will, it will have the potential to steal the show. I was amazed by how much offense Daniel Bryan got in, as he usually has to sell for the bigger opponent. The two men had fantastic chemistry, and their styles really seemed to work well together. Just a very good match between two men trying to work their way up the totem pole.

Post-match, Sheamus celebrated all around the ringside area. He was all smiles. He went back into the ring and talked trash to Bryan.

-- At the announce table, Michael Cole stood up on his desk and asked for the audience’s attention. He said that he was about to commit “regicide.” Up next, he was going to interview the individual who would reveal the truth about Jerry Lawler.

-- WWE Slam of the Week: Steve Austin’s return.

-- Back live, Michael Cole stood center ring and sold dismay at Austin's actions. He addressed Stone Cold first, and guaranteed that Austin's impact at WrestleMania would be very small. He then addressed Lawler. He talked about how defensive Lawler gets when someone talks about his family, then said that he wasn’t there to talk about family. He said that he wanted Lawler’s family to talk about him. Cole introduced Lawler’s “biological son,” Bryan Christopher. Christopher popped onstage and started dancing to some generic hip-hop. Time has not been good to that kid. He was now sporting bleach blonde hair and a noticeable beer gut. Christopher continued to dance around the ring. He and Cole bumped knuckles. Cole welcomed him back to WWE and talked about Christopher’s past with the company. He asked Christopher why he never used the name “Bryan Lawler.” Christopher said that it was because he never felt like Lawler was his father.

[Q5 -- Top of the second hour]

He said that while Lawler was traveling all around the world and becoming famous, he neglected his son. According to Christopher, Lawler never wanted a child. Christopher jumped to the ringside area and approached his father. As he tried to speak into the microphone, he started huffing and puffing. He pointed at Lawler and said that his father never wanted anything to steal his spotlight, and that included his son. Lawler then took a microphone and said that he was glad Bryan never took the family name. He called Christopher a bigger screw-up than Charlie Sheen. Christopher asked his father how it felt knowing that his son competed at WrestleMania before he did. More wheezing into the microphone. Josh Mathews looked to someone at his side and accidently said into the headset, “This is uncomfortable.”

Christopher stepped closer to Lawler and started smacking him around. He continued to ask Lawler how it felt, then thrust his pelvic bone into Lawler’s shoulder. He continued to torment Lawler, then said that he never used Lawler’s name because he was ashamed of The King. Christopher threw the microphone down. Back in the ring, Michael Cole said that this all played out just like he expected. He called Lawler a coward and said that at WrestleMania, he would put Lawler in his place.

Suddenly, the Oklahoma Sooner music hit. Jim Ross appeared on-stage and made his way to the ring. The crowd popped huge. A noticeably skinnier J.R. entered the ring and glared at Cole. Cole said he knew that this would eventually happen. He told J.R. to go back to his computer. J.R. took the microphone and said that this had all gone on far enough. He told Cole to snap out of it and come back to his senses. Cole told J.R. that he was now the voice of WWE.

J.R. said that he had wanted to say something about that. He brought up his long history at the announce table, alongside Jerry Lawler. He said that neither him nor Michael Cole would be the voice of WWE - the voice of WWE was the WWE Universe. J.R. then said that Lawler had been carrying Cole for years. He compared the Lawler/Cole relationship to that of a kangaroo and its kin. He said that Cole wasn’t actually a kangaroo, but a rat bastard. J.R. turned to leave. Cole said that J.R. was leaving with his tail tucked between his legs. J.R. stepped back into the ring, removed his hat, his jacket, and his tie, and stepped up for a fight. Cole obliged.

Suddenly, Jack Swagger hopped over a guardrail and attacked Lawler at ringside. He stepped into the ring and kicked J.R. in the stomach, then locked in the Ankle Lock. Cole got in J.R.’s face and asked him how that felt. Lawler entered the ring and broke up the hold. Cole jumped on his back, which gave Swagger the chance to take down The King and put him in the Anklelock. Cole’s eyes widened. He stepped over to J.R. and put him in the Anklelock. J.R. screamed. Cole released the hold and talked trash to both men. He said that this was his time and no one else’s. Swagger raised Cole’s hands in the center of the ring.

-- Still to come, John Cena faces Alberto Del Rio in a battle for “WrestleMania momentum,” according to Josh Mathews.

-- Up next, Randy Orton versus Mason Ryan.

[Q6]

-- WWE Rewind: Randy Orton’s Punts on both Michael McGillicutty and David Otunga.

-- Randy Orton’s music hit. On a side note, the crowd was incredibly hot tonight. Orton made his way to the ring. At the announce table, Mathews said that the show was finally settling back down. Cole was back in his glass chamber. He restated that this show was not about him. As Mathews talked about the sponsors of tonight’s episode, Cole kept trying to interrupt him to talk about Orton. C.M. Punk’s music hit and he and Mason Ryan made their way to the ring.

3 -- RANDY ORTON vs. MASON RYAN -- If Ryan wins, he can accompany C.M. Punk at WrestleMania

The men locked up to start the match. Ryan backed Orton into the far-corner. Orton wiggled out and nailed Ryan with right hands. Ryan tried to fight back. He whipped Orton into the turnbuckle. Orton bounced back and smashed Ryan with a clothesline, but Ryan stayed on his feet. He dropped Orton, then nailed him with a back-breaker. He got a two-count. He hoisted Orton back up and hit two more back-breakers, then went for another near fall. Up on the stage, C.M. Punk cheered Ryan on.

Back in the ring, Ryan locked Orton in a bear hug. Orton broke out and kicked Ryan in the face. He finally knocked the big man off his feet. Ryan popped back up and slammed Orton with a modified Rock Bottom. He got another near fall for his efforts. Orton sold being unconscious. Ryan dragged him to his feet, but out of nowhere, Orton nailed him with an RKO.

WINNER: Randy Orton in 3:00. Well... at least there was post-match interaction, which was phenomenal.

Post-match, Orton stood on the middle turnbuckle and glared down at C.M. Punk. He stepped out of the ring and slowly made his way towards Punk. He dared Punk to come after him, then turned and looked at Ryan. Orton ran back into the ring. Punk ran down to try and stop the Punt, but Orton smashed Ryan in the head with it. Punk slid into the ring as Orton pushed himself up and down on his knuckles. The two men had a face-off (from their knees), then Punk backed out of the ring.

-- A replay aired of Snooki’s confrontation with Vickie Guerrero.

REAX: I just can’t get over how well how Orton and Punk play off of each other. The visual of Punk running to the ring just as Orton hit The Punt was fantastic, just like last week. The stare-down between the two of them was even better. This is the match I am most looking forward to come WrestleMania.

[Commercial Break]

[Q7]

-- Back from commercial break, a video package aired that announced Drew Carey as the next Hall of Fame inductee. Really?! The man made one appearance on WWE Television. Oh, I get it. They’re using it to plug his new television show. Another confirmation the Hall of Fame is simply an advertising venue.

-- At the announce table, Michael Cole once again asked the audience for their attention. Cole said that everyone got to see the world premiere of the Michael Cole Anklelock. He said that it was the move he would use to embarrass Jerry Lawler at WrestleMania. Cole turned his attention to J.R. and used a number of Ross’ old-catchphrases to explain what he did.

-- Backstage, Snooki and Trish Stratus walked to the ring. Zack Ryder popped up and asked Snooki what she thought of his abs. Snooki shrugged him off and continued towards the ring.

[Commercial Break]

-- Back from commercial, Justin Roberts introduced Snooki to, literally, no reaction from the live crowd. She entered the ring. Her head could barely peek over the top ring-rope. Snooki took the microphone and asked everyone, “Wat up.” She said that she was very excited to be hosting Raw. She was also excited to see Trish Stratus beat Vickie Guerrero. And that was it. She exited the ring.

Vickie Guerrero made her way out, sans music and Dolph Ziggler, for her match. Roberts announced that the match was a No DQ Match.

[Q8]

Guerrero took the microphone and the crowed tried to drown her out with boos. She turned her attention to Snooki. She told Snooki to never lay a hand on her again. She was also mad that Snooki stole her spotlight. Guerrero then showed an image of Snooki’s “Rolling Stone” cover, and said that the cover was originally supposed to be hers. Guerrero showed the “original” cover -- her riding a tin-can rocket ship. Trish Stratus’ then came out for her first match in years.

4 -- TRISH STRATUS vs. VICKIE GUERRERO -- If Vickie wins, she gets a job on Raw

Vickie asked Trish to hold off for a moment. She started to warm-up with stretches and jumping jacks. As Vickie stretched with the assistance of the ring ropes, Trish charged and rolled her up for a near-fall. Vickie tried to escape the ring. Trish grabbed her foot and Vickie’s shoe fell off. She escaped and ran around the ringside area, then slid back into the ring. She picked up her shoe and wielded it like a sword. She took off her other shoe. Trish bent Vickie over and spanked her with the shoe.

Dolph Ziggler ran into the ring and tried to stop the attack. John Morrison ran in and attacked Ziggler. He knocked him to the outside, then flung himself over the top-rope with a corkscrew. Lay-Cool followed suit and took out Trish. Vickie and Lay-Cool dog-piled Trish, and that was good for the three count.

WINNER: Vickie Guerrero in 3:00. So, Vickie spent a majority of the match trying to figure out what to do with her clothing? Yep. That was the sober version of Jeff Hardy’s TNA Title match Sunday night.

Post-match, Vickie and Lay-Cool celebrated. The trio turned their attention to Snooki. Michelle McCool taunted her, then stepped out of the ring to face the “Jersey Shore” star. Snooki sat cross-legged and just played with her hair. Finally, she stood up. She only came up to McCool’s abs. McCool turned away and got back on the ring apron. Snooki popped up and pulled McCool’s legs out from under her, then entered the ring and tackled Layla with a Lou Thesz Press. Trish re-entered the ring and attacked McCool. A catfight broke out. Morrison and Ziggler got back into it. The heels escaped the skirmish and retreated to the entrance ramp.

Once order was restored, Vickie took the microphone and announced that Raw was her show now. She said that she couldn’t wait to embarrass all three of the faces at WrestleMania. She challenged Stratus, Morrison, and Snooki to a match at the event. The faces discussed it in the ring. Snooki took the microphone and accepted.

-- Up next: John Cena faces Alberto Del Rio for the first time ever.

[Commercial Break]

-- A vignette for Sin Cara aired. It displayed his “unique” brand of athleticism.

-- Back from commercial, Michael Cole said that he could not wait for the confrontation between Undertaker and Triple H. Josh Mathews threw to part three of Shawn Michaels’ interview about the two men.

-- Shawn Michaels Interview: Michaels focused on The Undertaker this time around. He discussed The Streak and how defeating it was like an addiction for him. In the middle of the video, the camera suddenly cut away to a live shot of the audience watching the interview, which they randomly started doing recently. Michaels talked about how The Undertaker becomes an entirely different competitor at WrestleMania.

[Overrun]

-- Back live, Justin Roberts introduced Ricardo Rodriguez. Del Rio’s music hit and he drove out in a Bentley convertible. If Del Rio is rich enough to have a personal ring announcer, shouldn’t he also have a personal driver? As Del Rio made his way to the ring, Brodus Clay came out in a support role.

John Cena’s music hit and the crowd absolutely erupted. On the entrance stage, Cena pointed to his HLR logo. He shifted gears and charged into the ring. Del Rio ran out towards the announce table.

5 -- JOHN CENA vs. ALBERTO DEL RIO

The two men locked up and Del Rio hit Cena with a knee to the cut. Del Rio took him to the mat and kept him down with a headlock. Cena escaped and hit a hip-toss and a drop-kick. Del Rio rolled out of the ring. As all of this was happening, Michael Cole announced that he had breaking news that The Rock was actually in St. Louis.

[Commercial Break]

Back from commercial, John Cena kicked out of a Del Rio pin attempt. Del Rio hit a drop-kick and went for another pinfall attempt. He locked in sleeper hold. Cole and Mathews continued to debate whether The Rock would actually show up. Cena rose to his feet and dropped Del Rio with a belly-to-back suplex. Both men took their time getting back to their feet. Cena made it up first. Del Rio and Cena knocked each other down with dual clotheslines. Once again, they both struggled to get back to their feet, then started exchanging right hands. Cena gained the upper hand and hit all of his signature moves. He capped it off with a Five Knuckle Shuffle, then set up for the Attitude Adjustment. As Cena hoisted Del Rio up, Brodus Clay entered the ring and nailed Cena from behind.

WINNER: John Cena, by DQ, in 8:00 (3:00 during commercial break). For those people who complain about WWE giving away “money match-ups” on free television, don’t worry. All we saw from these two was a few rest holds, a couple of punches, and a match that started as if it was in the final minutes of an hour-long contest. I suppose Cena and Del Rio could be a decent main-event somewhere down the road.

Post-match, Del Rio and Clay continued to assault Cena. Suddenly, The Rock’s music hit. He appeared to walk on to the stage, but it was actually The Miz wearing a bald-cap. As Miz made his way to the ring, Cena continue to fend off Del Rio and Clay. He turned his attention to Miz, and that resulted in the heels gaining the upper hand. Miz hit Cena with a beautiful Rock Bottom (seriously, it was equal, if not better, than Rock’s ever looked). Del Rio nailed Cena with a running enziguiri. Clay hit a fall-away slam that sent Cena out of the ring. The Miz stood on the ring-ropes and mimicked The Rock’s hand-raise.

Miz ripped off his skull-cap and exited the ring. He rammed Cena back first into the ring-post. He grabbed a microphone and asked Cena how the road to WrestleMania was treating him. He bashed the microphone across Cena’s head. Miz said that he had owned Cena for the last three weeks and that he would own him all the way to WrestleMania. He cracked Cena with the microphone one more time. Cena tried to crawl up the entrance ramp. Miz picked him up and suplexed Cena on the steel walkway. He picked Cena up one more time, but Cena punched him in the face. His offense was only momentary, though, as Miz deflected an AA attempt with a DDT on the stage. He picked Cena up once again and smashed him, head-first, into the giant WWE logo. Cena struggled to get to his feet. Miz stood behind him and waited for the Skull-Crushing Finale. He hit it against the base of the WWE Logo. The show closed out with Miz against the base, creepily whispering at an unconscious Cena.

REAX: The Miz is just rolling right now. He is taking everything WWE gives him and makes absolute gold out of it. When he came out on stage, the audience didn’t realize he WAS NOT The Rock until he made it to the ringside area. That was brilliant in and of itself. More importantly, though, he continued to dominate Cena and show off his extremely aggressive side. It builds up the storyline of Cena wanting revenge (and, presumably, the WWE Title), and it sells Miz as a credible threat to WWE’s top star. Well done.

[END SHOW]

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