By Wade Keller, PWTorch editor

KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
MAY 3, 2010
LIVE FROM ORLANDO, FLA.
AIRED ON SPIKE TV

[Q1]

-The show opened with Eric Bischoff at a desk telling people to vote for the top TNA Title contender. Then Manchester Orchestra's "Shake It Out" played as a video package aired on last week's happenings. The show is titled: "Hogan/Sting - The Summit."

-They went to Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff in a limo. Bischoff said "his" plane touches down in seven minutes and it's going to be great. Hogan said all of the big fish are defecting, just as they planned it. Hogan said Ric Flair is going to "jump off the cliff" when he sees whom he presents his Hall of Fame ring to, although he doesn't say the words "Hall of Fame." Hogan said somebody has to call out Sting for changing his demeanor and turning on TNA. "Hold on for the ride," Hogan said. The regular TNA Impact opening then aired.

-Mike Tenay introduced the show as the camera panned the crowd and pryo blasted. He asked who would take possession this week of Ric Flair's Hall of Fame ring. He said the Hogan-Sting summit is live this week. They went to Tenay and Taz at ringside. Tenay announced that Dixie Carter announced to the TNA roster that based on feedback from TNA fans, TNA is moving Impact "back home" to Thursday nights beginning May 13. Tenay said they're also excited to share that Spike TV has picked up TNA Reaction. Taz said Reaction is "very cool, cutting edge, cool as heel, it's different." He said he can't wait for TNA Thursdays as it will be "off the chain." Well, they got that out of the way quickly. They did their best to put a positive spin on it, but everyone will see it for what it is - a cover-story for the humiliating spanking they've taken on Monday nights. I think they should have given it another month, but I understand the move given the trend and the clear sign they're not going to hit 1.5 anytime soon. It didn't have to be this way.

-Jay Lethal walked out in a suit showing off a ring. He let out a "whoo!" and imitated Flair. He literally did a full-fledged impersonation of Flair's interview style. It was so freaking dead-on, I was suspicious he was lip-synching it. It's seriously uncanny how good he is at doing Flair. He even did the rope bounce and elbow drop on the suit coat. He called out a "fat boy" in the crowd, of course. The crowd chanted, "We want Flair!" On cue, out walked Flair. Tenay said Flair may not be as amused as the fans in the Impact Zone. "Playtime might be over right now for Jay Lethal," said Taz.

Flair pointed at Lethal and looked upset. "You are standing in front of God right now," he said. He said nobody does that to him. He stomped on his sunglasses. "You want to be Ric Flair?" Flair asked. Lethal said if he's upset about the ring, he can have it back. He sounded apologetic and said he was just messing around. "From the bottom of my heart, I meant no disrespect," he said. "I just always wanted to do that. I always wanted to be the 'Nature Boy' Ric Flair even if it was just for two minutes," he said. "You've always been the man." He said he's going to frame the footage and hang it on his wall. I sense a jealousy angle with A.J. Styles. Lethal said in Elizabeth, N.J. there's a beautiful woman watching a TV screen with a tear in her eye because she knows her little boy has made it because he's standing in the ring with "the Man, the Legend, thee Ric Flair."

Flair said, "Thank you for giving me back my most prized possession, but that does not dig you out of the hole you're in." He slapped Lethal. Flair yanked off his shirt, then slapped Lethal again. He yelled in Lethal's face that he is Ric Flair and he is wrestling. He said he can tell his mother that the greatest moment of his life turned into the saddest second of his life. He slapped Lethal again. Lethal slapped back, then chopped his chest and gave him the big backdrop. Flair landed partially on the mic. That could have been worse.

Lethal applied a figure-four. Beer Money Inc., Styles, and Desmond Wolfe ran to the ring and jumped Lethal. Then they whipped him with leather belts. Abyss made the save, but only briefly, as the heels swarmed him. Team 3D ran out and tried to make the save. They also got beat down, so Rob Van Dam made the save with a chair. The heels fled the ring.

[Q2]

-They went back to the limo ride. Bischoff said they'd be there in 10-15 minutes. Hogan said, "It feels too right." Hogan then read a text message and then said something went wrong. He said, "Machismo's an idiot. He was supposed to show it off, not show it to the world." Bischoff cringed and Hogan called for them to turn the limo around. [c]

-They aired a recap of what happened in the previous segment. Then they went back inside the ring where RVD, Team 3D, and Abyss stood. RVD addressed the heels who stood on the stage. He suggested that instead of everyone beating up on "Macho Dude," he suggested the "horse's asses" get in the ring for a fair fight. Flair said if RVD wants more, he's got it. Another brawl broke out with everyone. The heels got the advantage. Hogan walked out onto the stage and beat up Wolfe on the ramp. Then he entered the ring and punched Storm and Styles. He then faced off with Flair. Flair threw some chops. Hogan no-sold them and then tossed Flair over the top rope to the floor. They cut to another break. In the olden days (two weeks ago) when they'd give away the content of a live show before it happened in the title, they could have called this "Schmozfest!" [c]

-Back from the break, the schmoz continued with everyone still brawling in the ring including Flair and Hogan. They should just do this for two hours as their Monday farewell. After clearing the ring of the heels, Hogan said TNA is the best thing going today. He said the TNA fans want action and that's exactly what they're giving them. He then booked Wolfe in a match against RVD. Is that because of the fan voting or not? He didn't say it. Hogan said he's putting the "Ex-Champ" (not to be confused with "X Champion") against Abyss. Styles threw his heel fit. And then he added Team 3D to Beer Money and the Machine Guns match, making it a three-way. All that hype about the championship rankings system and we get Hogan naming RVD's opponent with no reference to it? Hogan's music played as Styles made eye-bulging faces.

-They cut to Sting walking in the rafters. Tenay plugged his summit with Hogan later.

[Q3] [c]

-They showed The Beautiful People applying make-up backstage. Lacey Von Erich complained about a sore back in the morning. She apparently wears the TNA Knockouts Tag Title belt to bed with her. They bad-mouthed their contenders. Madison Rayne is looking like Terri Runnels these days.

-Douglas Williams and Brian Kendrick stood in the ring. Williams wore his title belt. He complained, rightfully, that he was stripped of his title while stranded in Europe due to the volcano eruption. He said it's just not right. He said even worse, when he does arrive he's stuck in a tag match "with this crazed lunatic." When Kendrick took exception, he told him to calm down because he's just stating facts. He said Kaz has to beat him for his title at Sacrifice or else he'll be nothing but a cheap imitation.

1 -- INK INC. (Shannon Moore & Jesse Neal) vs. DOUGLAS WILLIAMS & BRIAN KENDRICK

Matt Morgan joined Tenay and Taz on commentary. He referred to himself as "we," as usual. Morgan gave Hogan seven days to make a decision on who his partner will be at Sacrifice, otherwise it's open season on the entire roster. Moore hot-tagged in at 3:00 and rallied against Kendrick. Williams abandoned Kendrick. Neal speared Kendrick and scored the pin.

WINNERS: Ink Inc. in 4:00.

STAR RATING: *1/4 -- Good action for a short TV match. Ink Inc. could lead to some jokes, and I'm not sure about two tag teams ending in Inc. in the same promotion, but the name does make sense and good use of Moore and Neal.

-Afterward, Kendrick confronted Williams. Williams slapped Kendrick. Kendrick chased Williams up the ramp. Samoa Joe came out and clotheslined Williams. Kendrick tapped Joe in the chest as a thank you. Joe attacked him next. Joe gave Kendrick a flying knee in the corner, then delivered a MuscleBuster. Tenay said they still don't know who was behind the abduction months ago. Taz said maybe Joe will give them an explanation. Joe held the mic, but then slammed it to the mat and walked to the back. Tenay said Joe's actions are speaking louder than words. [c]

[Q4]

-Flair kicked Jeremy Borash out of their locker room. The camera sneaked a view of Flair chewing out Styles. He told Styles he is the face of TNA and he needs to kick that elephant ass. He then told Beer Money he needs them to be what he thought they were going to be. James Storm said they are the best. Flair yanked his beer away and told him to prove it. He then went after Wolfe and told him that RVD will tear him up if he's not ready. Flair said they all need to make things happen or he'll find a replacement. He then noticed the camera and slammed the door.

-Hogan talked to someone off camera and said his personal life is still in shambles, and then said so much was thrown at him in TNA, and it just added to the mess to see Sting act out the way he has. He said he's going to find out what's going on with the man with the black bat. He said he's getting in his face.

-They went to Tenay and Taz at ringside who talked about the Hogan-Sting summit. Tenay said they deserve an explanation. Taz said he disagrees, Sting doesn't owe anyone anything. They talked about the Monster's Ball match between Abyss and Styles later. Taz said Flair is just motivating the troops backstage. Taz acknowledged that the audience "believe it or not" gave "a lot of votes" to Desmond Wolfe at TNAwrestling.com and the Championship Committee took that into consideration and awarded him the title match. Tenay hyped that Jeff Hardy would be live at the top of the hour. Then they cut backstage.

-Mr. Anderson was beating up "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero. Anderson rammed a storage cart into Pope several times. Anderson was wearing a choir boy robe or something similar. He then put on Pope's sunglasses and walked away. The camera showed Pope knocked out cold below. [c]

-Anderson stood in the ring. Taz said they had Hardy scheduled to be there, but Anderson stole the spotlight. He told the members of his congregation not to judge him for his beautiful attire. He said he stands before everyone at a loss for words as the crowd chanted, "You suck! You suck!" He said. "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they speak." He said he had a tremendous sermon planned for them, but as his music hit, he had an epiphany, an awakening, a realization. The crowd chanted, "We want Pope! We want Pope!" He said for unforeseen reasons, The Pope would not be able to join them. He said when he dies, he will not go to Heaven, but he will in fact burn in Hell. Jeff Hardy's music interrupted.

[Q5]

Hardy walked out. He said, "The Congregation and the Creatures of the Night are one in the same." He said Pope won't be able to wrestle tonight, next week, or even at Sacrifice because of what he did to him. He said it as if what Anderson did to him made it obviously he'd miss three weeks of action. Hardy challenged Anderson to a match at Sacrifice. Anderson asked if he's challenging him in his ring. He said he can't do it because he has something going on that night. The crowd chanted, "Take that dress off!" He said, "Pot... kettle" at a fan in the front row wearing some sort of dress. Hardy then gave Anderson a Twist of Fate and stripped off his dress. He was wearing skimpy black underwear that said, "Speak in..." on the back and "Mic" on the front. Hardy then accepted his own challenge by pretending that Anderson said it'd be an honor and a dream come true. Tenay said when it comes to the regime of Hogan and Bischoff, they'd take that as an acceptance of the challenge. Anderson got up and pretended to be embarrassed to be stripped down to his black underwear. [c]

2 -- LACEY VON ERICH & MADISON RAYNE & VELVET SKY vs. TARA & SERINA & TAYLOR WILDE

Lacey did a dance, which Taz compared to Elaine from Seinfeld. It wasn't that bad. Tara spit at Serina early, then tagged her in a minute later. Wilde entered next and Serina flipped her onto Sky. Tara wanted Wilde to tag her, but she tried to tag Serina. Tara blocked the tag and entered. Serina then tagged Tara's back to officially enter. Wilde shoved Tara. Tara knocked her out of the ring at 3:00. The BP then double-DDT'd Serina for the win with Sky scoring the pin.

WINNERS: Sky & Von Erich & Rayne in 3:00.

[Q6] [c]

-Tara said she's busted her butt to get to TNA, but she hasn't gotten respect from coworkers or management. She challenged Rayne to a title match at Sacrifice because the only time she gets respect is when she has the title around her waist. Christy Hemme asked why management should grant her that wish. Tara said she'll put her career on the line. She seemed even a little choked up saying it, since it is probably the end for her.

3 -- TEAM 3D vs. BEER MONEY INC. vs. THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS

At 3:00 Brother Ray got a hot-tag from Devon and went to work on Beer Money as the Guns watched on the apron. Devon hit the headbutt to the crotch. Scott Hall and Kevin Nash entered the ring and caused a no contest ruling. The Guns just watched. Hall and Nash beat on Team 3D. Eric Young ran out with a kendo stick. Tenay said Syxx may or may not return to TNA. Young then attacked Team 3D and revealed himself as the new member of The Band. "You've gotta be kidding me?" said Tenay. Alex Shelley threw Young out of the ring. The Guns then double-teamed Hall with a missile dropkick. They followed with a climbing kick to Nash followed by a double superkick. Beer Money then jumped the Guns with a spinebuster and a DWI. Young stomped away at Brother Ray. Nash put his arm around Young.

WINNERS: No contest in 5:00. [c]

[Q7]

-The O-Zone interview segment debuted with Orlando Jordan. He walked out, looking very, well, gay. He said this is the segment where he does and says anything he wants. He said, "One size fits all, batteries not needed." He added, "Don't worry, it'll be our little secret." That should be his catch-phrase. He said he has a little freak in him. He introduced his first guest, "The Freak" Rob Terry. He interviewed a cardboard cutout of Terry. "I thought I had an amazing body and some amazing bulges," he said. He observed Terry's crotch bulge under a boa. They cut to Taz asking Tenay how long this was going to go. Jordan asked "Terry" whom he fantasizes about at night. He pretended Terry told him that he fantasizes about him. "Wow, I'm honored." The real Terry ran out, destroyed the cutout, and knocked Jordan onto his loud orange couch. Terry said, "Don't make meh com bahk." He turned his back and held up his Global Title belt. Jordan attacked him and choked him with a chain. Then he dropped part of his set over Terry. I'm not a fan of beginning a regular interview segment by having the host beat up the wrestler he's feuding with, because where do you go from there?

-Tenay and Taz reacted briefly to the odd Jordan's new interview segment.

4 -- A.J. STYLES vs. ABYSS - Monster's Ball Match

Dave Penzer said in this match "weapons are legal and encouraged." Abyss brought a trash can full of apparatus to the ring. Styles springboarded at Abyss, but Abyss caught him. He then threw a charging Styles over his head and into the ring. Abyss lifted a crutch, but Styles kicked him. Abyss swung a chair, but Styles moved. he went for another chairshot, but Styles ducked and hit a Pele kick. Styles followed up with a dropkick. Abyss whipped Styles a minute later into a chair wedged in the corner. He followed up with Shock Treatment for a near fall. That was a lot for Styles to kick out of. Abyss poured thumb tacks onto the mat. Flair walked to the ring. Chelea tried to stop him. That distracted Abyss, so Styles hit him from behind with a chair. Styles then gave Abyss a crossbody block and Abyss bumped onto the tacks. Styles then scored the pin. Chelsea entered the ring and smiled, having successfully distracted Abyss. She opened her raincoat briefly revealing a sexy black dress. Styles and Flair double-teamed Abyss as they cut to a break.

WINNER: Styles in 4:00. [c]

[Q4]

5 -- ROB VAN DAM vs. DESMOND WOLFE -- TNA World Hvt. Title Match

If TNA wants to know why title matches don't draw like they could, just add up the hype for this title defense. Just Hogan announcing it, Flair berating Wolfe early in the show, and a couple nonchalant mentions by the announcers. No real sense that this is something special having a title defense on Impact. No big promo from Wolfe. No reaction by RVD to having to face Wolfe. It's just so inefficient. A TNA Title match should be hyped for at least a week ahead and there should be more fanfare when a new challenger is officially announced. Tenay plugged a few times during the show that Impact was moving back to Thursdays on May 13. A crawler at the start of this match said Impact was "moving home to Thursdays." It also plugged online voting for title contenders. Taz said he thinks online voting for contenders is a real cool deal. Wolfe got an early advantage and gloated. RVD made a comeback and hit Rolling Thunder. Wolfe caught RVD on the top rope with a punch. He set upa Tower of London off the top rope, but RVD blocked it. RVD hit a sidekick off the second rope. Wolfe charged at RVD, but RVD backdropped him into the ring pretty close to what Abyss did to Styles in the previous match. RVD then hit a Five-Star Frog Splash for the win. Styles ran out and jumped RVD, then held up the TNA Title and looked at the camera.

WINNER: RVD in 3:00. Now this show is starting to really piss me off. The fans vote for Wolfe in overwhelming numbers and they job him out in a match with little fanfare in three minutes? Would "idiotic" be a fair description of how TNA handled this? They deserve what they get with this type of booking.

-They cut backstage to Jeff Jarrett saying to Hogan that Sting jumped him. [c]

-Hogan walked to the ring. Tenay said that was Jarrett who Hogan tended to backstage before the break. Tenay said the Hogan-Sting relationship goes back to the "WCW days." Taz wondered whom Hogan and Bischoff were going to pick up at the airport at the start of the show before turning around. Hogan said he wanted to quote one of his favorite wrestlers about things that are "real, damn real." Sting walked out. Taz said Sting pulled him aside earlier and said he was going to break his silence tonight. Hogan said they say you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but he's been around too long to be fooled any of the time. He asked him what makes him tick.

Sting said what makes him tick is TNA Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. He said his agenda hasn't changed. He said his goal is to give back to the sport of wrestling "that I love so much, especially TNA because I love this brand - T-N-A." He said when he thinks about all of those years when he was up in the WWF, Hogan had this veil and canopy of protection over him all the time. He said he saw in WCW, he had the same veil of protection, but in TNA he doesn't have protection.

Hogan said Sting just doesn't like that now he can't go around and attack people from behind and pick them off one at a time such as RVD, Abyss, or Dixie Carter, "the lifeline of this company." Hogan said he has blood on his hands. He said he just left Jarrett lying in the back. "Is that what makes you tick?" he asked. Sting laughed. He said if Hogan wants to play chess and play games, it's his move. He put his bat up to Hogan's chin. Hogan told him to take his best shot. He challenged him to try to put an end to him. Jarrett walked out to the ring instead and bashed Sting with the bat. Hogan cut off Jarrett from hitting Sting again with the bat. Tenay hyped, "We'll see you May 13th when TNA moves to Thursdays!" I don't get it. Sting is just so ambiguous and contradictory that it's not compelling, it's just exhausting.

Final Thought: After that online poll, they really decided it was best to job out Wolfe and feature Jarrett in the show-closing angle with Sting? That's "listening to the fans"? I can live with them "seeing through" the Jarrett-Sting feud, but this wasn't a compelling advancement of the feud, and jobbing out Wolfe is still just stupid of them.

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