By Wade Keller, PWTorch editor

KELLER'S TNA IMPACT WRESTLING REPORT
NOVEMBER 24, 2011
TAPED IN ORLANDO, FLA.
AIRED ON SPIKE TV

[Q1]

-A video package aired on James Storm seeking out the person who attacked him from behind, then blaming A.J. Styles - his friend - based on an admitted hunch and no evidence. Taz characterized - accurately - the newly turned babyface Storm as paranoid. Then it was revealed that Styles wasn't the attacker, it was Kurt Angle.

(WK Reax: Last week was an example of bookers/writers needing to just get out of the way of a hot act and don't overcomplicate his character. Storm looked like an idiot last week in the second half of his show-ending segment, but looked like a mega-star on the rise in the first half. It was when the bad booking idea of having Storm falsely hastily accuse Styles of the attack that Storm looked bad.)

-Kurt Angle walked to the ring. "I did not attack you from behind, you just didn't see me coming." He said he used his "cat-like reflexes" to take him down, he didn't have time to react. He told Storm not to accuse him of not looking a man in his eyes before kicking his ass or next time he might take it personally. Storm's music interrupted and he walked out.

Storm said he's thinking of taking his size 12 cowboy boot and sticking it straight up his "Olympic ass." They bleeped "ass." He said what's happened already has gone beyond personal. He said they used to travel up and down the roads together and their kids started playing together, and that was personal. What's happening now is business. Storm looked Angle in the eyes and dared him to jump him then. He told Angle if he wants to be a real man, watch him because he's never backed down from a fight and can take a whipping' like nobody else.

Angle told Storm if he's a real man, how can he explain screwing him out of his World Title. He said he just got revenge by screwing him out of the World Title two weeks ago. Storm said he thinks the fans are tired of seeing the people talk. He told Angle not to take the "ass whipping" he's about to get personally. (They bleeped "ass" again.) Angle said he's a gentleman, he doesn't want a fight. Instead, he called Daniels, Jeff Jarrett, and Bully Ray to the ring. Angle asked Storm what he's going to do outnumbered four-to-one. They surrounded him. Angle said Storm talks tough one on one, but what about one on four. That's a great heel line. Storm told Angle he had to tell his daughter that Angle gave him a concussion. She replied that he should give Angle this message. Storm them hit Angle. A brawl broke out, and Mr. Anderson, Styles, and Rob Van Dam ran out to take Storm's side and cleared the ring of the heels. Tenay said this is a good primer for the ten-man elimination match later tonight. [c]

-They showed Eric Young driving referee Rudy Charles around on a pedal cart. They pulled a turkey suit out of a case. Tenay read a line telling us what was happening and saying "I think I know what this is all about."

(WK Reax: Tenay sounded like he was talking to a kindergarten class when he read those lines for a voiceover.)

[Q2]

-A video package aired on Mexican America losing the tag team titles last week to an impromptu duo of Matt Morgan & Crimson.

1 – MATT MORGAN & CRIMSON vs. HERNANDEZ & ANARCHIA (w/Sarita) – TNA World Tag Team Title Match

They brawled out of the gate, then Morgan took control. Taz said he expects Morgan & Crimson to hold the tag titles for a long time. They won quickly and easily, ending when they nailed Anarquia with a double shoulder tackle, then a double-chokeslam. They took so long setting that up, it made the ref look a little ridiculous letting them both stay in there so long. Taz said if they can work on their double-team moves, they could become unbeatable.

WINNERS: Morgan & Crimson in 2:00 to retain the tag titles.

(WK Reax: It appears Mexican America are done as a top level team.)

-Backstage Rudy Charles and Eric Young walked in with the turkey suit. Young challenged Robbie E., with Rob Terry, to a turkey suit challenge. Robbie said he didn't even know what that means. Rudy explained that the loser must wear a turkey suit. He called it a “festive turkey day costume.” Robbie ordered Terry to give him a pat down. Young said if he doesn't do the match, his title is stripped and he'll be suspended indefinitely. He claimed those were the Stinger's rules. Robbie said this is ridiculous and he's not going to do it. He stormed off. Rudy asked Young if Sting really said all those things. Young smiled and admitted he hadn't.

-They showed Karen Jarrett, followed by Traci Brooks, heading toward the entrance tunnel. [c]

-A clip aired of Mickie James winning a gauntlet match last week to earn a Knockouts Title shot.

-Karen led Gail Kim, Madison Rayne, and Traci to the ring. Karen called a list of babyface Knockouts to the ring. They wanted to know what Karen wanted. Karen told Velvet Sky that they have a dilemma because after all of her efforts to please the Knockouts Division, and add dignity and class and get them to cover up - “which I've obviously failed miserably at" - you're still not happy.

[Q3]

Karen said despite all of the Tweets and letters and emails sent to her office by perverted freaks who want to see more skin, she won't give in. She said she knows there are some women who have no problem with this since they flaunt their stuff all day long anyway, some of them regard themselves as real athletes and real wrestlers. Karen said Gail Kim carries herself the right way. She said tonight they're going to have their first-ever Lingerie Bowl, “soon to become a Thanksgiving Day tradition.” She said she wants them to get their skimpiest pieces of lingerie and wear them to the ring. Karen said Gail is the one true champion, which is why she sits on her perch and looks down at all of them.

Karen told Velvet she knows what she's talking about. “When you go and become one with that pole that you slide up and down on and those disgusting, horny perverts are shoving dollar bills in your bottom, that's what you're going to get and wear in this ring.” She said if any of the Knockouts refuse, “there's the freakin' door.” She said there are hundreds of women who want to take her spot on the roster, so go to the back and get undressed. Taz said it'll be a very interesting Thanksgiving lingerie situation. Tenay said, “What says Thanksgiving more than Knockouts and lingerie.” Taz said he can't believe that Tenay sent that email to Karen. Tenay laughed at Taz's chummy joke as Velvet Sky was bleeped as she swore with anger leaving the ring.

(WK Reax: Okay, so now we're back to Impact being this woman-hating promotion that openly portrays their athletes as so pathetic and desperate as to put up with Karen degrading them like that. What's worse is the reaction of Taz and Tenay. They just laughed off this disgusting behavior by Karen. Rather than react with outrage as Karen wielding her power like that, they joke about how Thanksgiving and lingerie go together. I can't recall a more tone-deaf reaction to a segment by announcers than Tenay and Taz, who illustrate here they've thrown in the towel on even caring or trying anymore. This all comes around, too, to the question of what did Sting fight for at Bound for Glory if not to give himself and Dixie Carter the power to stop Karen's disgusting, degrading treatment of the Knockouts.) [c]

-Christy Hemme asked the babyface Knockouts what they think of this. Tara said she thought she left this stuff behind. She said Karen wants them naked, but they're not there to be naked, they're there to be the best wrestlers ever. Miss Tessmacher said it's a slap in the face to their division. She said she models outside of TNA, but she comes to TNA to wrestle and this is a joke. Sky said she is just coming off of a Knockouts Title match and now she's competing in her underwear. She said she's sick to death of Karen. Sky said they just unite and do what Karen wants and “get it over with.”

(WK Reax: Wow, what a hero Sky is. Let's just give in and do what Karen wants. This is coming across as a desperate ratings ploy, and it's not even slightly well executed.)

-Tenay said the match has been titled the Thanksgiving Thong Thunder, and it's up next.

-Gail said backstage she never second-guesses anything Karen does because she's very intelligent. Mickie James barged in and asked to talk to Gail in private. They went into a back room, but left the door open a crack so Mickie could chew out Gail for going along with Karen. She said she thought Kim was going to try to make a positive impact on the Knockouts Division instead of setting it back ten years. She told her to go to Karen and put a stop to it. Kim told Mickie to give Karen her notice if she's so upset, and she's sure she be happy. Mickie called Gail a hypocrite and a suck up. Kim attacked Mickie and a brawl broke out. Madison Rayne joined in and brawled. Gail called Mickie trash.

(WK Reax: Boy, TNA is back to sinking to the lowest level possible to try to draw ratings. It's sad, after the positives steps they had taken that they're abandoning it and going back to writing a show that feels like someone typed up the script while drunk and sad and depressed in the back corner of a scuzzy strip club while thinking of how to translate how pathetic they feel about women into a Thanksgiving episode of a national wrestling TV show. Or something like that.) [c]

[Q4]

1 – VELVET SKY & BROOKE TESSMACHER & TARA vs. ANGELINA LOVE & MADISON RAYNE & WINTER

As the Knockouts walked out, Tenay said Karen made it clear that their male viewers want more skin. “Happy Holidays, everybody,” Tenay said.

(WK Reax: So are Karen and Tenay heels, or are Karen and Tenay babyfaces, because one can't be a heel and the other a face since Tenay seems to be endorsing her decision without any sense of outrage over how she went about implementing the decision. Same with Taz.)

Velvet wore a big t-shirt. Tessmacher gave in and yanked off her shirt, revealing a bikini. Taz made a Butterball joke. Love also posed proudly on the second rope. Tara also posed. Taz cracked inaudible jokes to entertain himself and Tenay. Sky finally yanked off her t-shirt and revealing a one piece nightgown that showed off her cleavage. Tenay said Karen claimed she wanted to bring back dignity and class to the Knockouts Division. Taz said, “I'm very happy with this whole situation,” then mumbled inaudibly some more.

Finally the match began and the women all started brawling. After all of that hype, they cut to a break a minute into the action. [c]

Tara slammed Rayne after the break. Taz made some Olivia Newton John reference, then admitted he was dating himself. After a Helen Keller reference, Tenay told Taz he's all over the map tonight. Love and Tessmacher battled for a few minutes with near falls, then tagged out to Rayne and Sky.

[Q5]

Sky threw four clotheslines in a row, then a bulldog faceplant on Rayne. Things got chaotic and sloppy with all six in the ring brawling at 10:00. With the ref at rngside, Rayne grabbed the Knockouts Title belt and wound up to hit her. Mickie James made the save and snapped Rayne's neck over the top rope. Sky then finished Rayne with a double underhook faecplant for the win.

WINNERS: Sky & Tessmacher & Tara in 11:00.

-They showed someone in a mask backstage purporting to be Jeff Hardy, walking as if he was five years olds counting cracks on the sidewalk. [c]

-Karen yelled at the babyface Knockouts backstage, telling them she's sick of them. She said half of them were more covered than what they normally wear. She said they do the opposite of what she says. She said, “You know what, you little bitches, game on. Next week I'm providing the outfits you'll all be wearing in the ring.” She told them to remember who is running the show around here. Isn't it Dixie Carter and Sting? She told Sky she's going to take away her last ounce of dignity.

-Jeff Hardy's ring intro took place and a guy in a mask walked out in a lose sweatshirt and sweat pants playing to the fans. He continued to do a ridiculous strut on his way to the ring that came across like he was on psychadelic drugs. Some fans in the crowd looked skeptical. He removed his mask and revealed himself to be Jeff Jarrett. He said, “Ha ha! Look at me, the charismatic enema!” He said he's so full of crap he has to have hot water flushed up my backside just to get some relief. He said he doesn't know why the fans love him. “Maybe it's because I wear make-up like a circus clown.” He mocked him for giving “dynamic promos each week” and for taking chances that could paralyze him. He said maybe the fans love him because each of them can relate to him because he's a low-life, degenerate, worthless, and has no business being in this company. “That's why you love me, because you can relate.”

He said he wants each of the kids who idolize and love him to grow up idolizing and emulating him. “Maybe some day you kids can grow up to embarrass and humiliate the company you work for,” he said. Hardy ran out and threw Jarrett into the ringside barrier and steps, then back into the ring where he pounded on him. Christopher Daniels and Bully Ray ran out and attacked Hardy. Rob Van Dam, Mr. Anderson, and A.J. Styles quickly ran out to make the save. Bobby Roode came out next and joined in the fight. Security also intervened. Jarrett threw Hardy into the ringside steps as everyone else brawled inside the ring. He did it a second time, then chewed out Hardy. The heels left the faces lying in the ring as they cut to a break.

[Q6] [c]

-They replayed Jarrett throwing Hardy into the ringside steps before the break. Then they went to Tenay and Taz on camera reacting to what happened. Tenay said he wonders if Hardy can compete in their elimination tag match later. They said their lines like they were memorized. Tenay then shifted to all smiles as he talked about the TNA tradition of the turkey match. It included clips of A.J. Styles throwing a fit, Alex Shelley wearing it backwards, and then the phrase on the screen: ”Whose turkey will be cooked?”

2 – ERIC YOUNG vs. ROBBIE E. (w/Rob Terry) – Turkey Suit Match

Rudy Charles referee'd the match. Rudy was slow with an early count during a cover by Robbie, only getting to a one count. Rudy held onto the turkey outfit as he referee'd and made pin counts. Taz said this is the strangest thing he's ever called. Young fired back with a belly-to-belly suplex. Taz said it was a throwback to Magnum T.A. Rudy began acting like a turkey, inspired by Young. Terry handed Robbie E a roll of coins which he used to KO Young. Rudy found the roll of coins and restarted the match, despite Robbie E.'s protests. Young recovered as Rudy and Robbie shoved each other. Young gave Robbie a piledriver for the win.

WINNER: Young in 3:00.

[Q7]

-Young said it appears Robbie is too hurt to wear the turkey suit, but with his help, they'll find a replacement. He pointed at Rob Terry. Rudy then ordered Terry to wear the turkey suit “by the power vested in my by the Stinger.” Young led the crowd in a chant of “Turkey! Turkey!” Terry gave in and put it on sideways. Rudy put the headpiece on him and laughed. Young ran away as Terry chased him in the turkey suit. [c]

-Young told Rudy he did a great job for him. Rudy said it was great to be back as senior referee. Young said they have to start training for next year. Rudy rode a small bike in circles as Young sprinted away. Rudy drove right into the back of a semi-trailer.

(WK: It would be hard to put together a show that I would be more embarrassed and ashamed to watch with family on Thanksgiving evening.)

3 – A.J. STYLES & MR. ANDERSON & ROB VAN DAM vs. KURT ANGLE & CHRISTOPHER DANIELS & BULLY RAY & JEFF JARRETT (w/Karen) & ROBERT ROODE – Elimination Tag Match

Jeff Hardy was supposed to team with the babyfaces, but the pre-match attack knocked him out of action. Bully Ray tore up a fan's sign on his way to the ring. The fan was so upset he nearly leaped the railing. Roode joined Taz and Tenay at the announce desk. He said he wasn't quite warmed up yet. Roode said even though he's team captain, he's concerned first and foremost with the World Title now, and he's sure Angle can lead the team in his absence. Roode bad-mouthed Styles, saying he's nothing compared to him. Taz said he doesn't blame Roode for being selfish. He said he's lived life as a World Champion and gets his point of view. Roode said he shares a lot in common with Bully Ray, who also dumped his partner after carrying his partner for years.

[Q8]

Roode ran out, tagged himself in by tagging Ray from behind, and stole his pin on Mr. Anderson after a one-arm slam. Anderson never took off his shirt and was treated like a wrestler outside of the top tier in the eyes of the bookers. Styles tagged in and went to work on Roode with a flurry of energized offense. Roode used a low-blow to slow him down. Taz couldn't believe he did it right in front of the ref. The ref DQ'd Roode and sent him to the back. Jarrett entered against Styles as they cut to a break. [c]

RVD hot-tagged in at 13:00 and nailed the heels with rapid-fire offense. He landed a Rolling Thunder, although he barely tucked his head in time before landing. Angle shoved RVD off the top rope. James Storm went after Angle at ringside as Daniels covered RVD and yanked on his trunks to score the pin. Daniels bled from his mouth at this point.

It came down to Styles vs. Daniels, Jarrett, and Ray. Ray tagged in Daniels and told him to give Styles the moonsault. Daniels gave Styles a one-armed slam, then climbed to the top rope. When he went for the BME, Styles lifted his boot and caught Daniels on the chin. Ray and Jarrett were going to double-team Styles, but instead Styles ducked and they collided. Styles then hit Ray with a kick to the back of the head. Hardy's music then played and he made his way to the ring, buckling his belt as he limped toward the ring. He yanked off his shirt and then reached for a tag from Styles. Styles tagged him in. He went to work on Daniels and hit the Twist of Fate for the pin. He quickly pinned Jarrett with a small package, but Ray quickly gave Hardy a boot to the face. He scored a believable near fall. Styles then blind-tagged in and gave Ray a springboard crossbody for the pin.

WINNERS: Styles & Hardy & RVD & Anderson in 15:00.

-Afterward Roode hit Hardy and Styles with his belt, then trash-talked Styles.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Awful, embarrassing show most of the way through, saved from being a complete disaster only by the main event. TNA should just send a "Best of" tape to Spike for Thanksgiving and save us from this "teacher's out of the room, let's screw around" version of the show.

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