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TNA Impact
KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT 7/28: Live ongoing "virtual time" coverage of Spike TV telecast

Jul 28, 2011 - 11:13:40 PM
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KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
JULY 28, 2011
TAPED IN ORLANDO, FLA.


[Q1]

-The show opened with Kurt Angle walking to the ring. Mike Tenay and Taz talked about how driven he is. Angle called out Hulk Hogan "so we can end this once and for all." Tenay wondered what this was all about. Angle said Immortal is led by two of the biggest scumbags in the world, "Eric Bischoff and you." He said he'll beat Sting at Hardcore Justice for the right reasons - to win the World Title and because he's never defeated Sting on his own before. He said he will beat Sting, and when he beats him, he'll prove he's the best in the world. He asked Hogan if he knows how it feels to be the best in the world. Hogan said of course he knows what it's like to be the best. He said he carried the business on his back and carried every small territory until he turned the business into an international phenomenon, brother.

He said in 1984, when Angle was still pooping in his diapers (as a teenager?!?), he was selling out arenas, so he yeah he knows what it's like to be the best. Hogan said he thought when he watched him, he had a vision for a higher level that would mean more money for everyone. He said, "You damn sure can't eat the gold medals." Angle jumped in and said Hogan had it all wrong. He said he respects him, and that's why he's not kicking his ass right now. He said he paid to see Hogan because he was great, and now 25 years later the name Hulk Hogan brings out a whole new meaning. As he said he can't go anymore, Hogan interrupted and said he's entering dangerous territory. He said he had to make a choice, and after 30 years of being the best wrestler to ever step foot in the ring, after eight back surgeries, knee replacements, and hip replacements, he had to make a decision, and he chose quality of life. He said he has to beat Sting because he just doesn't know and maybe he's training for the Olympics because he didn't pin the man and won it via the judges, so maybe that was a fluke, too. He said if he wants to fight him over his pride, they're getting really close to seeing that happen.

Angle said he obviously just lit a fire under him. He said the older they get, the more the fire burns. He said he knows Hogan can still go, but he knows he has to prove it to himself. Hogan asked him what he was trying to say. Angle said Hogan should be the one to take out Sting. He said every great warrior has one last fight in him, so prove it and don't call him to do it for him again. Angle dropped the mic and walked out. Tenay explained what Angle just said.

-Backstage Eric Bischoff walked into the building on his cell phone saying he was late because his plane was delayed. A woman handed Bischoff an envelope from The Network. Bischoff yanked it away from her and uttered "pain in the ass." [c]

[Q2]

1 -- ROB VAN DAM vs. GUNNER -- Bound for Glory Series Match

-Tenay noted they'd have an update later on the status of Matt Morgan in the tournament.

-In the end, RVD slipped out of Gunner's attempt at his finisher, then hit a long-distance Five-Star Frogsplash for the win.

WINNER: RVD in 6:00 to earn 7 points. [c]

-Bischoff sat at his desk backstage and relayed news to Bully Ray, Abyss, Jeff Jarrett, Karen Jarrett, Mr. Anderson, and Scott Steiner. He said The Network informed him it expects him to build and brand the X Division based on the success of the Destination X pay-per-view and hire more X Division wrestlers ASA-frickin'-P. Bischoff chewed out Abyss for losing to Brian Kendrick at the PPV. Hogan barged in and said Angle is a dead man. He said all he cares about is cutting Angle's throat. Ray said he'd volunteer Anderson to do it. Anderson stood up and protested. Jarrett tried to play peacemaker, using newly learned Spanish. Karen asked Anderson if he was afraid. With his pride called out, Anderson said he'd step up.

Bischoff said there's more. Sting walked in with a big cage draped in a black cover. Hogan asked what he was doing. Sting said just making the rounds. He straightened out a picture of Hogan on the wall and then put the cage on Bischoff's desk. Hogan said he's in dangerous territory. Sting propped his feet up on Bischoff's desk. Karen said he's crazy. Sting said he's always had a great relationship with The Network. He said he's now become the Network Exec. Karen said there's no way they'd put a lunatic like him in charge of anything. Sting said he heard everything they were saying earlier and he said the Anderson vs. Angle match will be inside a cage. He said he's not done yet and he scolded them for being unruly. Karen chimed in with a hilarious, "Oh my god." Sting added that Fortune would surround the ring to prevent any funny business. Hogan said he doesn't have the power to do that. Sting said he does. Karen asked if everyone realizes how bad this is.

[Q3]

-Brian Kendrick and Alex Shelley stood mid-ring. Kendrick said New Age gibberish that ended with asking the spirits toss end Austin Aries's ego to them for cleansing. Shelley said he'd translate - Aries is a jackass. Out walked Aries. Tenay said the X Division has always been about the spirit of competition. Shelley asked the fans if they think Aries is the greatest man alive. Aries walked to mid-ring. Shelley listed Jerry Lynn, Low Ki, A.J. Styles, Christopher Daniels, Samoa Joe, Alex Shelley, Brian Kendrick, "these are men who worked their asses off to build up the X Division." He said they developed a mutual respect for each other. He defined the X Division as being about hybrid wrestling - mixed martial arts, submissions, high-flying, and excitement. Yet Aries is about pulling tights, gouging eyes, swinging chains. Shelley said: "I'll give you one chance to either play by our rules or you don't play at all, you douche bag."

Austin made fun of Shelley's clothes, then said if he goes away, they'll have to play by themselves. He said he played by their rules and made it to Destination X and then beat three more guys. He said now that he's signed, sealed, and delivered with a contract, he's going to win at all costs by playing by his rules. He said they're just trying to please the fans, but he doesn't care about that. He said he has a back catalog of five-star matches, but what he wants is a five-star bank account. Taz chimed in with "amen." He said he doesn't need to cheat or take shortcuts, but the ends justifies the means, and he's going to be the new X Division Champion. Kendrick interjected by saying he is the X Division Champion and the energy won't let the X Division Title devolve to the point it becomes a monicker for him. He told Aries he has termites in his soul. Aries asked for a translation. Shelley told Aries to shove his five-star matches up his ass. Shelley said The Network has a new priority - to push the X Division to the moon. He said he gets a a title match, a three-way with him, Kendrick, and Aries at Hardcore Justice.

Out walked Abyss onto the stage. He said Kendrick won't make it to Hardcore Justice. He said as much as Sting and The Network think they control things, the reality is Hogan and Bischoff call the shots and as a result of that, Hogan and Bischoff have given him his rematch for the X Division Title tonight. He said he'll do to Brian what he should have done at Destination X - take the hunk of metal and kill the X Division. Sting chimed in on the big screen and said according to The Network, he has more stroke than Hogan and Bischoff combined. He said the match he had with Kendrick was a heck of a match, so he gets his rematch tonight, but it'll be an Ultimate X match. "Oh my God!" exclaimed Taz. Kendrick smiled as Abyss melted down. [c]

-Backstage Matt Morgan showed that he tore his pectoral muscle on his right side. He said he's never had an injury before and never missed a match, and just as he had the best chance to reach the top, he got the news from the doctor. "My whole world ended; my heart literally broke into a million pieces," he said. He said the World Title is his oxygen tank. He said he doesn't want it, he need it.

[Q3]

-Tenay and Taz talked about Morgan was at the top of the heap of the BFG tourney, and now it's all over for him. They hyped the Hardcore Justice PPV next, then updated the BFG standings. Crimson was in first, followed by Gunner, RVD, and then Matt Morgan, so Morgan wasn't quite at the top of the heap, so to speak.

-Bully said he's not afraid of facing Crimson next. He said he's playing Angry Birds on his phone right now, that's how scared he is. He said he'll beat him when he wants to beat him, so add his 7 points now. Ray plugged his match in Houston, Tex. against A.J. Styles in a BFG Series match. He said, "Okie-dokie. Do you know why I say okie-dokie? Because I can." [c]

2 -- BULLY RAY vs. CRIMSON -- Bound for Glory Series Match

-Tazz said a veteran like Ray can chop down a young rookie on a hot streak like Crimson.

-Ray jumped Crimson at the bell. He stayed on him relentlessly. Tenay said it was unfamiliar territory for Crimson to be on the defensive several minutes into the match. Tenay said his undefeated streak is at risk.

-Crimson at 4:00 hit the Red Sky sitout powerbomb out of nowhere for the win. Ray looked on in disbelief as Crimson celebrated at ringside.

WINNER: Crinson in 4:00.

-Tenay and Taz plugged Winter vs. Tara and the main event cage match. [c]

[Q5]

-They actually opened the second hour, as people are shopping around for a new show to watch, in the midst of a commercial break, then Bischoff yelling angrily into a phone. He demanded that The Network get on the phone with him. He wasn't pleased they said they'd try to get back to him. He said it's insane that Sting is now the Network Exec. He slammed the phone down.

-Backstage Madison Rayne said she's going to get revenge on Tara for unleashing that rodent Poison on her. Sting surprised her. He said inside his cage he had something far worse than Poison. He teased lifting the veil on the cage, so Rayne ran away screaming.

3 -- WINTER (w/Angelina Love) vs. TARA (w/Miss Tessmacher)

-Before the bell rang, ref Earl Hebner ordered Tessmacher and Love to the back.

-In the end, Tara lifted Winter for a powerbomb and apparently Hebner got hit in the face with a boot. Winter then gave Tara a low blow mule kick (the faked boos were dubbed in here) followed by a spinning backbreaker for the win. Everything about that finishing sequence screamed "Take 2."

WINNER: Winter in 3:00. [c]

[Q6]

4 -- BRIAN KENDRICK vs. ABYSS -- Ultimate X Match for the X Division Title

-Kendrick attacked early, but Abyss grounded him and then looked up at the belt hanging from the crossed cables above him. He began to climb the truss, but wasn't eager to move to the cables. Kendrick recovered and went after Abyss again.

-At 4:00 Kendrick climbed his up and began to get near the belt, but Abyss yanked him down. A minute later Kendrick took Abyss down and climbed up to grab the belt, but as he grabbed it, Abyss yanked him down.

-When Abyss lifted Kendrick into the air in a powerbomb position, Kendrick was high enough to reach up and grab the belt to win the match.

WINNER: Kendrick in 5:00 to retain the X Division Title.

-Backstage Velvet Sky talked with Traci Brooks about the cops or someone bringing someone back there. [c]

-A vignette aired with Eric Young meeting with David Hasselhoff's agent, Joel Dean. Young said he'd sign him on sight. Young told Dean he's looking to expand his brand. He said he didn't want those title belts to intimidate him, so he took them off. He said the jewels are all real so don't get any ideas. Dean said he's not sure what he wants. He suggested he get an acting coach and then come back. Young said that was a deal and he'd see him tomorrow. Dean said it would take along than 24 hours to learn to act. Young said fine, 48 hours. Oh, yeah, Young also stripped to his wrestling trunks and embarrassed Dean mid-meeting.

-Traci and Sky invited ODB and Jackie to come to the ring to meet with them. Traci said their issues need to end tonight. ODB said she'd be happy to end it after she puts her boot up her plastic Barbie Doll ass. ODB said she didn't lose her job until Sky rubbed her booty-tang all over the ropes. Sky revisited her history of being the runt in her neighborhood growing up in Hartford, Conn. She said there were days she didn't get want to get on the school bus, and she never told her parents because she didn't want them to worry about her.

[Q7]

-Sky said she vowed not to be a victim anymore and she would stand up for herself regardless of the circumstances. She said when she was hired by TNA, it was the greatest gift she could have received, but she earned it through hard work and broken bones. She if they want jobs so badly, why not just ask and showcase their skills like great athletes instead of attacking her like two thugs. She said if they fight it out week after week, she will be the last one standing. She said the ball's in their court, but she's done being anyone's punching bag. This is a segment, in stark contrast to what Impact Wrestling was like up until a few weeks ago, that could actually attract women to this show. Sky is speaking as a role model and standing up to bullies, a good basic approach to take when building a feud between a likable, admirable babyface and a heel.

-Kaz gave Bobby Roode, James Storm, A.J. Styles, and Christopher Daniels a pep talk about being lumberjacks in the main event. Daniels asked Styles if he had a chance to think about what he asked him about last week. Styles asked if he was serious. Sting then showed up with the covered cage and asked if they were ready to keep the bad guys out of the cage. Styles asked what was in the cage. Sting said it's not a cage, but he's about to give it to Bischoff.

-After Angle and Anderson made their ring entrances for the cage match, Fortune's music played and they walked to the ring. Then they cut to a break before the bell. [c]

[Q8]

-Bischoff got through to someone from The Network and he ranted and raved angrily. "Do you know what we mean to your company?" he said. He felt insulted and disrespected. He said Sting is their problem, not them. Bischoff then got quiet and said, "What do you mean you haven't talked to Sting in weeks?" He hemmed and hawed as Sting walked in with his cage. Sting said to Bischoff that he has stuff bottled up inside of him and he can't hold it in anymore. He struggled, but finally let out: "I'm not the Network Exec." He said he had no authority to book the Ultimate X match and the cage match. He said he made it all up and then mock-cried that he was sorry, sounding like the Cowardly Lion from the "Wizard of Oz." He said when someone wears a nice suit, people listen to you and you get your way. He said it felt good to have stroke. He let a crow out of the cage. Sting said it's like Alfred Hitchcock's movie, "The Birds," they just peck away at you. He left the bird. The bird moved toward Bischoff right on cue.

5 -- KURT ANGLE vs. MR. ANDERSON -- Cage Match

-They joined the match just under way as Tenay and Taz said this isn't even an official match because Sting had no actual authority to make the match.

-After several minutes of back and forth action and some near falls, Angle kicked out after a Mic Check at 5:00. Anderson tried to escape the cage, but Angle grabbed Anderson's ankle. Anderson kicked Angle off of him and then clotheslined him.

-When Anderson climbed to escape over the cage, Angle met him on top and suplexed him to the mat. That was good for a two count. Immortal ran down the ramp and brawled with Fortune at ringside. Mexican America joined in, siding with Immortal. Bully Ray hid at ringside as Angle dropped his straps and waited for Anderson to stand. Ray yanked at Angle's singlet from the camera hole in the cage. Anderson hit him from behind. Anderson then ordered Ray to do his job and give him a chair. Ray opened the cage door and asked Anderson what he called him. Anderson said, "Sweetheart." They argued and yanked on the chair. Angle then got up and gave Anderson an Angle Slam for the win.

WINNER: Angle in 8:00.

-As Angle celebrated, his music was cut off by Sting's. Sting met Angle in the cage for a staredown. Then he raised Angle's arm into the air and reminded him of their match in ten days at Hardcore Justice as the show ended.


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