TNA Impact WILKENFELD'S TNA IMPACT REPORT 12/2: Complete "virtual time" coverage of Spike TV broadcast
Dec 2, 2010 - 10:14:01 PM
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By: Daniel Wilkenfeld, PWTorch Contributor
Where We've Been: Last week's Impact was a bit of mess (for those who've noticed that I somehow keep skipping crummy Impacts, I can assure you that this is just a happy coincidence). Things actually started off promisingly enough, but were overwhelmed by a few major problems, most notably the complete absence of an ending. In an 8 man elimination match, only 3 men were eliminated. Then Dixie Carter showed up for no discernible reason and served Hogan an injunction preventing him from doing no discernible thing in response to his efforts this past month signing no discernible people (if TNA won't put effort into writing this crap, I see no reason to put in effort coming up with different adjectives to describe it). Seriously, I have no idea what happened at the end. Why was Dixie invited? Who has Hogan been hiring? What is he now legally forbidden from doing? With the possible exception of the second, these are not the sorts of questions that will make me tune into Reaction—they're just the sort of question that make me think the episode doesn't make any sense. I'm reminded of a Dilbert, where he asks Dogbert what he thinks of his screenplay. Dogbert reminds him of the old saying that if a thousand monkeys with a thousand typewriters had infinite time they would eventually produce the works of Shakespeare. As for Dilbert's novel? 10 monkeys, 15 minutes. That's kind of how I felt about this ending. There were a few high points earlier though. First, I thought Jeff Hardy's poem when he came in for dinner was actually brilliant heel promo-ing. I finally get the "anti-Christ" bit—the point is not that we're supposed to think he's a super evil wrestler who is the anti-Christ, but that he's a super pretentious prick who calls himself the anti-Christ. Elsewhere, the knockouts got in some good action, and Dinero—Joe has become one of the more interesting and plausible feuds on the show.
The Show: Who's Wearing the Stripes?
(1) INK INC. vs. THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS vs. GENERATION ME vs. BEER MONEY Non-Title Match
We start with a hot open as Jesse Neal flies out onto Gen Me, followed by Moore doing likewise. Ric Flair is on commentary. Beer Money swoop in and take control. They take Moore into the ring and set him up on the top rope. They look for a Beer Money Superplex, but Neal comes up behind and hits a Tower of Doom. Jeremy Buck flips in with a Springboard X Factor, but gets yanked out and double teamed by the Guns. The Guns pull a ladder out from under the ring, but Max pops them from behind and the ladder falls ramp-like against the ring. Sabin drives Max into the ladder (briefly sandwiching Jeremy) and then take turns hitting flying forearms. Jeremy attacks and sets up the ladder, taking a moment to hurl a chair into Shelley's head (damnit!). While Shelley fends them off Sabin slips to the top of the ladder and nails a Cross Body Block off the top. In the ring Ink Inc. are picking on Roode, but Storm yanks Neal to the outside. Roode drives Moore to the mat for a two count. Storm comes back in and they Stomp a Mudhole in Moore. Storm decides to work a chin lock. He and Roode and trading tags, but they seem to be the only ones. Roode stomps Moore's hand. Moore gets up firing, then bounces off the middle rope with a Cross Body Block. Storm tags back in and hits some slow strikes in the corner, gaining speed to some nice right hands. He pops Neal off the apron as he tries to come back in. They look for a Back Body Drop but lower their heads to early. Moore fights out, but right into a DWI which he somehow kicks out of. Roode and Storm argue with the ref (Jackson?), which gives Moore the opening to hit a School Boy (I think with tights) for the quick win.
WINNERS: Ink Inc. in six minutes (shown). That was a good hot open.
Flair yells from the entrance that they should kick the ref's ass, and AJ & Kazarian run down for the assist. As they hold him back, Roode lists Jackson's sins. First he rose Matt Morgan's hand against Ric Flair, then he had the audacity to put his hands on Jeff Hardy, and tonight he blew call after call, screwing them out of a win. As they say—three strikes and you're out. Storm slaps Jackson, but Morgan runs down and grabs Flair in a headlock. He says that they need to let Jackson go, or he'll break Flair's neck. As the ref scampers away, Morgan vows that if anyone touches him again, he'll rip them to shreds. He leaves, and Flair is pissed.
Mickie is excited to perform her new single and entrance music tonight. EY & OJ come up. Eric says that the one thing she needs is himself and a cowbell. She's nervous that he's going to actually come out.
We're told that Matt Morgan will announce the guest referee for Final Resolution this Sunday, Ric Flair will pick Morgan's opponent tonight, we'll see Madison Rayne vs. Sarita vs. Angelina Love and Pope & Joe vs. Jarrett & Abyss. That's actually a pretty good sounding card. Let's see how they mess it up this week [HINT: Robbie E].
JB, in the ring, introduces Mickie to perform her new single live. Oh, apparently it's the same entrance music she's always had. Good. Her voice doesn't sound amazing tonight, but I like the song and bet she'd put on a kick-ass live show. EY comes out in chaps, with a cowbell. Mickie is distracted, but plays through. Tara eventually comes out and pops her from behind. EY goes to check on Mickie, so Tara nails him with the cowbell. That gets Mickie enough time to recover and fight into the stage, Mickie losing a bit of her top. The crowd boos as security pulls them apart. This is easily the most consistently solid feud on the show these days.
Jackson James comes to Morgan in the back and begs to be the ref at Morgan's match Sunday. He's sick and tired of being pushed around by Fortune, and he wants to be the one who raises Morgan's hand on Sunday. Morgan says that he couldn't live with himself if he put James in harm's way. This business is all about patience, and James will get his chance, but Morgan should be the one to handle the revenge aspect. He'll take it under consideration though and let him know by the end of the night. (I'm dreading the Jackson James "heel-turn", so hopefully they won't do it as a PPV main event.)
I just got a text that I'm missing Ladies 80's Night (I have no clue what that is, but it sounds interesting), and I already knew that I was missing Lebron's return to Cleveland—this had better be a damn good Impact.
Flair is saying that he's definitely mad. Morgan has put his hands on Flair three times in the last month, and Jeff Hardy deserves to know who his referee is going to be. If Morgan doesn't name him tonight, Flair will revoke the privelage—he has that kind of stroke.
Williams says that he's happy to face Kazarian. Kazarian might have a million dollar face, but he also has a ten cent brain, since every time they wrestle Williams beats him—over and over again. They're wrestling tonight, and Williams is wrestling royalty. He'll give him another wrestling lesson tonight.
(2) KAZARIAN vs. DOUGLAS WILLIAMS
Kazarian goes for a quick start, charging Williams but getting caught by an Arm Drag. Williams bounces off the ropes with a European Uppercut, then nails a few standing ones. The crowd's behind him but can't figure out what to chant. He hits a high knee and a nice Suplex for two. He looks for Rolling Chaos but Kazarian elbows him back and hits a Slingshot Leg Drop for two. Kaz works a front face lock. Williams powers half-way out, but Kazrian freezes him with some knees and brings him back down with a Neck Breaker for two. Williams fights back from his knees, but Kaz rakes the eyes. Kazarian lifts him up but he slips behind—before he can do anything Kazarian slips out and nails a leg lariat. Kazarian drives his arm into Williams's face and talks some trash. He stands on Williams's back against the bottom rope. Kazarian whips Williams off the ropes and dropkicks him for two. Williams hits open-hand haymakers as he gets up, but is too weak to keep the offense going—Kazarian shoves him back into the middle rope. He whips Williams off, but Williams catches himself. Kaz charges and gets elevated up and over the top rope. He lands on the apron and tries to come back with a Slingshot DDT. Williams looks for the German Suplex, but at the apex of the Suplex Kazarian reverses into a Victory Roll which Williams re-reverses into a cover for two. Sweet. Kazarian hits a quick Wave of the Future for two, but no one but me seems to remember the name of that move (picture a Lethal Combo that doesn't actually connect on the Back Breaker). Kazarian signals for the reverse Pile Driver, but Williams slips out and connects with Rolling Chaos Theory.
WINNER: Doug Williams in five minutes—great match (for five minutes)--I'm not sure why they didn't give this more time as a PPV match, but maybe we'll just do it again?
Morgan approaches Williams, saying that he has a big favor to ask for this Sunday. Before he can say anything more Fortune swarms in. D-Lo Brown & Al Snow eventually breaks things up. Williams calls out AJ—oh, that's way sweeter than Williams vs. Kazarian.
We run down Sunday's card.
Brother Devon comes out, looking like he's all business. The crowd seriously pops for him. He reminds Ray that he said last week that if Devon came, he'd be here. Well he came, so Ray should bring his ass out so they can settle this once and for all. He calls out "Bubba" a couple more times. The problem is that Devon's standing right here, but Bubba, being the coward that he is, isn't showing up. Ray finally shows up on the entrance and slowly saunters to the end of the ramp (when did the ramp stop going up to the ring?). Ray says he can hear from right where he is. Devon tells him that for 15 years Ray has been nothing but a bully and a coward. Ray wants to call Devon the weak link and say that he was only in the team cause he's family? If it wasn't for Devon there would be no Team 3D. Devon reminds Ray that it was Taz, right there, who gave them a chance in ECW. Ray yells that Taz is a washed up loser, just like Devon. Devon starts to recount their history, when Taz gets up and grabs a mic. He hates to interrupt others' business, but he couldn't help but hear Ray calling him washed up. He's know them a lot of years, and he hates to see them interact this way. Devon told Ray to get in the ring, so he should cross the line and get his ass into the ring right now. Ray yells that this isn't about him. Taz agrees, and (line of the night moment:) says that he'll tell him something right now—he (Taz) is washed up, but Devon isn't—get your ass in the ring! Ray goes as far as the steps before pulling back. Devon says that Shannon Moore was right a couple of months ago—Ray really is a douche bag. The crowd decides to call him that as well. Devon adds that in every company they've ever been in nobody liked Ray, but it was because of Devon affiliating with him that they kept their jobs. Ray could show his video last week, but why doesn't he show the real video—Devon was the worker, and Devon was the one who worked his ass off to get this team over. The only weak thing about Ray is his freak'n breath (I'm not sure that came out right). As far as Devon's concerned Ray's nothing but a piece of crap, and that's all he'll ever be. Ray will attack him from behind, but why won't he come attack him now? Ray again starts shouting that Devon is Marty Jannetty. Devon looks like he's about to charge, so Ray runs away. The crowd laughs, then calls Ray a dickhead. Devon recommends that if you wants some, come get some. And Devon wants some, so he's coming to get some. He runs out towards Ray, who flings SoCal Val at Devon to make his escape.
Pope is asking Joe if tonight will involve them teeing off on each other. Joe says that sounds real good to him. Pope asks if that means they're going to serve to Immortal just what they want on a silver platter. Joe says that that sounds right. Pope says that Joe might just be the stupidest Samoan he ever met. Joe says that he doesn't like Pope, doesn't like what he stands for, and doesn't want to be his friend. Joe replies that if it wasn't for the fact that he thinks Pope'd be such a great punching bag for Immortal, he'd be kicking his ass around right now. Pope says that Joe's nothing but a pimple on his back, but he's down for whatever tonight.
(3) SARITA vs. MADISON RAYNE (w/TARA) vs. ANGELINA LOVE Non-Title Match
Mickie jumps Tara before the start of the match, and they drive each other into walls towards the back. While the ref is giving Love instructions Rayne pops Sarita with the belt. Love drags Rayne into the ring and hits a couple flying forearms, then a dropkick to a seated Rayne for a two count. Rayne kicks Love in the gut as she gets up, then yanks her down by the hair a few times. She pulls on the hair some more. She works a rear chin lock. She wraps her legs around Love's head, but before she can do the mat pound Love slips out and hits a big clothesline. She hits a Power Slam, then whips Rayne chest-first into the turnbuckle. She tosses Rayne from the ring. Rayne grabs the belt, and as the ref is checking on Sarita whacks Love with it. However, Sarita quickly shoves Rayne back out of the ring and falls onto Love for the cover and the win.
WINNER: Sarita in 3 minutes—this wasn't much of a match, but I'm always happy to see Sarita get over.
Flair is talking to some unseen person, saying that with Hogan and Bischoff busy dealing with the lawsuit Flair has a lot on his plate. While the mystery person's contract is important, he has a job to do first tonight.
Love is throwing a tantrum over the fact that she's lost two matches in a row. Winter comes over and sits down next to her. She says that there's nothing wrong with Angelina—she's perfect. But now that they're together, she will never have to lose again. "We" will never lose. Love wants her to explain "we". Winter says to come with her so they can talk.
Matt Morgan comes out to meet his mystery opponent.
(4) MATT MORGAN vs. RHINO
Morgan shoves Rhino back to start. Rhino comes back with some strikes. He works a side headlock, but Morgan shoots him off and into a shoulder block. AJ vs. Williams is official for Sunday. Morgan hits his step-over-top-rope-choke-thing. Rhino comes back with a quick strike and shoves Morgan into the ring post. He rolls Morgan into the ring and stomps his forehead, which is bleeding some. Rhino hits a couple shots to the forehead, then chokes Morgan against the middle rope. He steps on the wound. He kicks Morgan in the head and covers for two. He works a choke. I'm bored, but the crowd's come alive for Morgan, who powers out. Rhino shoves him into the corner and goes back to right hands, but Morgan no sells them. He touches his own blood and gets a furious look. Rhino backs off. Morgan comes with a trio of clotheslines, then charges Rhino in the corner. A Side Slam gets two. Morgan signals for a Choke Slam. Rhino elbows out but then runs right into a discus clothesline for two. Morgan hits his series of back elbows. Morgan goes for another charge but Rhino stops him with an elbow to the abdomen, then hits a Belly-to-Belly Suplex. Rhino goes for a Gore, but Morgan side-steps. Morgan signals for the Carbon Footprint and nails it. Fortune swarm right when the count is at two.
WINNER: Matt Morgan by DQ in five minutes. Rhino's offense felt a bit slow, but the crowd was really digging the Morgan comeback.
Fortune beat down Morgan some more. Rhino joins in. That might hurt Fortune more than it helps them, since it draws out RVD. Rhino cuts him off on the ramp and they brawl to the back. Fortune are still stomping on Morgan when Hardy's music hits. He saunters to the ring slowly, holding a chair. Fortune get Morgan to his feet and turn the back of his head to Hardy's chair. Before he can swing Mr. Anderson's music hits. Wow. He runs to the ring, sporting a lead pipe. Hardy briefly thinks about swinging with his chair, then just hightails it along with everyone else. Mr. Anderson calls down his mic.
Anderson says good evening. He's been in the business eleven years, and he's about to do something he's only done a handful of times, if that. He turns to Morgan and very calmly says "thank you". Fantastic. He thanks Morgan for having his back, and thus everyone else's backs too. He knows Morgan knows this, but we might not, so he's going to let us know. They might not like each other. They might hate each others' stinking guts and wail on each other every night. But there's a code, and there are certain things you just don't do, like maybe whack people in the back of the head with a chair. But Hardy just does what he want. (He does his Hardy impression here). Morgan's been main-eventing PPVs, but Anderson wants to let Morgan what he's been doing for the past month—he doesn't remember. This is a shoot (he says). He's not complaining. He knows this isn't ballet, and sometimes you get a booboo, but he just wants Jeff Hardy to know what he's in for. It might be tomorrow, or it might be next week—he might see him in the grocery store. Hardy really doesn't want to stop in traffic and see Morgan behind him. But in the meantime, he hears Morgan needs a referee. He owes Morgan a favor, so maybe if they put their heads together they can come up with someone. Morgan starts to offer him the gig, but Anderson says to just hang on while he thinks about it. The crowd chants for an asshole. Morgan extends his hand. Anderson agrees to be the ref, but, seeing as how he's perfectly impartial, they probably shouldn't be seen shaking hands or exchanging money or anything like that. Though he does have one more thought that just hit him in the back of the head—on Sunday night the bigger man will win.
Mickie James and Tara have now fought to the parking lot. The brawl goes a bit long, but you can at least tell what they're going for. Tara Back Body Drops Mickie into a dumpster to finish things off.
JB says that it's time for tonight's fist pump challenge? No, really. You know what, they don't pay me enough to recap this crap. Actually they don't pay me at all, but I don't think they even could pay me enough to recap this crap. Oh, and apparently Cookie will be contained in a shark cage elevated over the ring while Robbie E defends his title this Sunday. O.M.G. Oh wait—when Lethal comes out he's shaking his head in disgust. There might be hope for this segment yet. JB lets them know that this will be a New Jersey regulation fist-pump showdown. I can't tell if this would be funny if the X Division Championship weren't involved. Oh wait, I can, and it wouldn't. They both get a chance to make an opening statement. Robbie says that Lethal is a disgrace to Jersey, blah blah blah, fist bump, blah blah blah. Cookie says that she's claustrophobic, so she's not going into the cage. I honestly don't know what anyone's talking about anymore. Robbie E starts. JB is trying like hell to sell this crap, but it's still not happening. It's time for Lethal's opening statement. Okay, here's the chance to save this feud. Jay Lethal says that, first of all, Robbie makes him embarrassed to say he's from Jersey. If he came to Lethal's part of Jersey looking like he does four things would happen: he'd get laughed at, he'd get beat up, his shoes would be stolen, and they'd be tossed onto a telephone wire. That was okay, but he's missed the window to say how stupid this feud is. Lethal says that if the fans want to see him compete tonight, he'll do it. They cheer. He turns his hat sideways, lets the music start, then pops Robbie in the face. He clotheslines him out of the ring and beats him to the back. Robbie crawls up to Christy Hemme, but Cookie gets jealous and pops her. Unfortunately for her Christy can wrestle and beats her into a nearby conveniently placed cage. Robbie comes up and drives the door of the cage into Lethal's face a few times.
Immortal vs. Joe & Pope is up next.
Jarrett is telling Abyss that Immortal had their doubters, but they've proven them wrong. Then they didn't take Jarrett's MMA skills seriously, and he proved them wrong again. Tonight he'll make Joe tap, and Sunday Joe doesn't have a chance—he'll beat him with his own hold. Abyss says that Joe's not the only one without a chance, since he and Janice love caskets (he has a casket match with Dinero).
They hype the card again.
Abyss & Jarrett come out for their match. Jarrett's sporting his MMA gear.
(5) ABYSS & JEFF JARRETT vs. "THE POPE" D'ANGELO DINERO & SAMOA JOE
Jarrett goes behind Pope to start, but Pope flips him down. They get in some quick chain-wrestling on the mat, culminating with Jarrett shooting Pope off. Pope hits a shoulder block and they grapple into the corner. Pope unloads with a series of quick strikes. Joe asks for a tag. Pope does, but takes so long that Jarrett tags out too. Joe is not happy. Abyss shoves him into the corner, where he dodges a charge and hits his version of the Pele. Joe face washes Abyss, and Pope blind tags himself in on the running boot. Joe is not happy, and as they bicker Abyss nails a double clothesline. He beats Pope into the corner, then charges him. Jarrett tags back in. He goes for an arm bar, but Joe kicks him in the back before he can really get it locked in. He maintains the hold anyway, but then lets it go to tag in Abyss. Pope tries for a series of rights, but then walks right into a Big Boot. Jarrett tags in and works a rear naked choke. Pope hits a back drop as Impact ends.
Joe tags himself in as Jarrett tags out. Joe unloads with jabs, hits an inverted atomic drop, a yakuza kick, and a Senton Splash for a long two count. Abyss tries to whip Joe into the corner, but Joe stops him with an elbow and comes off the middle rope with a kick for two. Abyss gets up firing, but Joe nails a Snap Slam for a long two count. Joe charges into the corner but gets goozled. Abyss hits the Choke Slam. Pope comes in and hits his big uppercut, then clotheslines Abyss out of the ring. Jarrett comes behind and picks Pope's leg. Neither of them is legal, but the ref doesn't appear to care. Pope crawls to the rope, but Jarrett pulls him off. Pope rolls through, sending Jarrett into the ref. Pope goes over the top rope and onto Abyss. Jarrett grabs his guitar, but Abyss kicks right through it. Joe picks up the guitar to taunt Jarrett, but that's when Brian Hebner comes back in. He sees Joe with the broken guitar over the prone Jarrett and calls for the bell.
WINNERS: Jeff Jarrett & Abyss by DQ in 8 minutes.
As Joe yells at the ref Jeff comes behind and locks in his own Kokido Clutch. Abyss has whipped Pope into the coffin, but Jeff calls him over to help him get Joe in. The casket opens and Kurt Angle comes out. The crowd goes nuts, and Jeff figures something's fishy. Abyss attacks Kurt and eats an Olympic Slam, but Jarrett flees.
We end with comments from Jeff Hardy. He says that the pieces are in place. Some will climb to greater heights, but others will fall from the universe. He is Jeff Hardy. He is greatness. He has reached a level never seen before in this profession. He can't be beaten. He won't be beaten. Morgan is just another faceless victim, and Kenny won't be getting up this time. He will rest in eternal piece.
Where We're Going: Final Resolution would look like a really awesome card, were it not for two things. The first thing involves Robbie E, the X Division Championship, and, heaven help us, a shark tank. The other issue is that I don't see how they can end the show without doing something stupid, be it an Anderson heel turn or some horrid Anderson officiating. I mean I guess they could have a clean finish. I will now pause for hysterical laughter.
Star of the Night: Anderson. Sincerity is hard to sell, but he sold it.
Overall: The show started super hot, but then calmed down a little before coming to a sickening halt in the fist pump challenge. I mean that segment was just a black hole of energy. At least they clearly knew it was stupid but, much like their mocking of Big Dick Johnson by producing their own fat naked oily guy, I fail to see why that makes it a good idea. Bleh. Double bleh. Joe kicking through the guitar was neat, but I'm not sure why a tag match still couldn't have a satisfying finish. Much of the promo work was great at least. Taz stole the show, as he so often does, and Morgan continues to be plausible on the mic. Basically this was a great show to watch with a fast forward button at the ready. B-
Daniel is a graduate fellow at The Ohio State University. Disregard the message that was in this spot, if you read it. If you didn't you can still feel free to email firstname.lastname@example.org.
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