By: Daniel Wilkenfeld, PWTorch Contributor

There'll be a bit more of a lag tonight than usual, especially in the second hour. Please plan accordingly.

Where We've Been: Last week's show was fun, if a bit of a mess. We got the main event picture sorted out for the next two months. At No Surrender it will be The Pope vs. Mr. Anderson and Kurt Angle vs. Jeff Hardy, with the winners meeting at Bound for Glory for the suddenly vacated title. Any of the four combinations would be a legit main event, though, given their phenomenal success at Lockdown, one suspects that Anderson triumphing over Angle to win his first ever world championship is the most likely outcome. Still, someone up in the office clearly likes The Pope, so for the first time I find myself hoping that whatever suicidal impulse prompted TNA to push Sting and Abyss despite complete fan apathy will kick in again and make them push the less popular wrestler. In all fairness it is more rational to randomly push a young-up-and-comer over a more popular wrestler than it is to push Sting or even Abyss over someone the fans actually want to see, so that probably means it's not going to happen.


The Show:

We recap the growth and grumpiness of Fortune. How was the Four Horseman recreated as a group with 6+ members?

Eric Bischoff is trying to persuade Dixe Carter not to go out to the Impact Zone, saying that he can handle it himself. She hits the ring. From the first day she began with this company, a lot of great things have happened. But there have also been a lot of hard times, and those are the ones that made TNA stronger. It was through the hard times that TNA became a family. The critics gave TNA 8 weeks to succeed, and here we are 8 years later having more success than ever before [except for about a year ago]. So many people have given so much to TNA, that she took a vow not to let anyone hurt this company. She tells Ric Flair to come out, since she has something to say. Ric slowly saunters to the ring, seemingly alone. According to a past plot-point Ric Flair's contract is iron-clad somehow, but I doubt we're supposed to remember that. Flair walks around Dixie, looks her over, and calls her drop-dead gorgeous. She's almost to the point of being sultry. Why don't they go back to the hotel and solve this like two adults? Why air their personal business on national TV? We know he wants her. She knows he wants her. She reminds him of how excited she was when he first came to TNA. Does he remember how he promised to be a mentor to those in the locker room? He's failed miserably. Hogan and Bischoff always warned her that he was no good, but she didn't believe them. Since Hardcore Justice his actions have been despicable. While she admires his legendary status, he has to be treated the same as every man—and woman—in the back. So he's being suspended. Flair, perfectly calm, asks whether this means that Fortune's suspended too. She says no. He points out that Fortune and Flair are one and the same. He calls them down to the ring, and they come. This, he says, is TNA. These are some of the greatest professional wrestlers that he's ever seen in his career. She expresses her agreement. But she reminds him that each and everyone of these guys was with her for ages building this company before they were with Flair. Is this his idea of mentoring? He asks if she's really trying to upset him. She says that she's not, but while he's on the sidelines for the next 90 days they will be working and helping TNA. Now he's pissed. Did she say that Ric Flair would be on the sidelines? Flair takes his jacket off. A random guy storms the ring, and we're told it's Dixie's husband. Fortune quickly swarm and take him down. Flair thinks that he must be kidding him. Flair takes his belt off. Hogan's music hits, and he comes out flanked by Pope, Anderson, Angle and Hardy. Hogan tells Flair to back down before he gets a boot up his ass. The rest of Fortune take their jackets off. Kurt surreptitiously helps Dixie and her husband away from ringside. Everyone else gets in the ring. When Hogan joined the company he promised to split authority 50-50 with Dixie Carter, but given the crap she's dealing with now he's taking over for the moment. He's reversing her decision, since suspending Flair would be too easy. Because these people behind Hogan (Angle is back) are TNA. Flair doesn't know what Hogan doesn't understand. Fortune is going to take over TNA—that's what Abyss has been telling everyone. But they're not going to do it tonight. Hogan says that they should do it tonight. Flair responds that they're not ready. Hogan doesn't care. Beer Money are already booked, but since Hogan's in charge he's making the other four take on the four men behind him. Fortune hold Flair back, then take him from the ring. As they're backing up the ramp though, they back right into EV 2.0, and a brawl breaks out.

That was a great opening segment, setting up the main event very well. Even Hogan brought his A game, for once uttering sentences that couldn't have come out of a random word generator.

[Commercial Break]

We recap what happened moments ago. Kurt, speaking for Hogan's posse, says that they're all here for the World Heavyweight Championship. But tonight's not about that. All four men are indebted to Dixie Carter for the opportunities she's given them, so tonight they'll be taking the keys to the company back from EV 2.0.

Orlando Jordan comes out for a match, molesting SoCal Val along the way. Hey, guess who's back?

(1)ORLANDO JORDAN vs. SAMOA JOE

Joe hits some quick jabs to start. Jordan falls back into the corner, where Joe stomps a mud-hole into him. He whips Jordan into the opposite corner, charges into him, and hits his version of a Pele. Joe goes for a Kokido Clutch, but Jordan backs him into the corner and slithers sensually. While Joe's distracted Jordan whacks him in the head with an elbow. He hits a series of stomps and punches. Joe falls back into a corner. Jordan hits some mounted punches. He grabs a chain with Joe's action figure and licks it. Joe takes him down with an Inverted Atomic Drop off the top rope. He hits a series of clotheslines and a T-Bone Suplex. Joe sets Jordan on the top rope, hits the Muscle Buster, and gets the three count.

WINNER: Samoa Joe in about 2 minutes.

Jeff Jarrett's music hits while Joe celebrates. He comes down to the ring and grabs a mic.

[Commercial Break]

Jarrett tells Joe that it's been 5 years since he joined TNA. Jeff knew from the first time he saw Joe on the independent scene that he wanted him as part of the best wrestling organization in the world, TNA. We know it and Joe knows it, but Joe's come a long way since then. Jarrett feels like he's contributed to that. But he's not here to ask for any favors, since Joe doesn't owe him any. But he does want Joe in his corner tonight when he takes on Kevin Nash. Joe knows what Kevin and Sting are all about. (That's funny, cause so far they haven't said.) They're trying to tear down what they've all worked so hard to build. They want to rip out the heart and soul of TNA—by which he means the best fans in the world—and spit in their faces. He says that Joe knows that this is all about greed, and them being upset that they're not the top dogs anymore. Hogan's got his hands full, and Jarrett's happy to take care of Nash, but will Joe take care of Sting if he shows up? Joe gets a mic and says that he doesn't choose sides, because he doesn't have to. He only knows how to play for one team—his own. He storms off. Nash's music hits.

(2)KEVIN NASH vs. JEFF JARRETT

Nash slides a chair into the ring. Jarrett steps on it to keep Nash from picking it up, but that lets Kevin pull Jarrett to the outside. He whips him into the guard rail, and Jarrett goes into the front row. He pulls Jarrett back and slams his head against the apron a couple times. They go back into the ring. Nash floors Jarrett twice with straight right hands, then works him over in the corners with knees to the gut. Nash hits a couple elbows to the side of Jarrett's head. Nash gets the chair and lays it in the middle of the ring. He drops the straps, but referee Brian Hebner gets rid of the chair. While Hebner's back is turned, Nash exposes the steel turnbuckle. He looks for a Snake Eyes, but Jarrett slips out and shoves Nash into it. The crowd is dead. Jarrett steps on Nash against the ropes. He hits a double sledge off the top, but when he goes for a second he gets goozled. Jarrett tries to get away with elbows, so Nash shoves him back first into the exposed steel ring turnbuckle. Jarrett falls into a Choke Slam for 1, 2...no! Jeff ducks a clothesline and goes Princess Bride on Nash, jumping on his back and choking him. Nash backs him into the turnbuckle, but the ref gets between them and the steel and takes the brunt of the damage. Jarrett drives Nash's head into the turnbuckle, then hits the Stroke. There's no ref to make the count though. Sting runs down in red face-paint and nails Jarrett a couple times with the baseball bat. Nash rolls into the cover just as Hebner comes to, and Jarrett's down for 3.

WINNER: Kevin Nash in 6 minutes. This was easily the best WCW Nitro main event I've seen in ages.

After the match Sting starts choking Jarrett with the bat. It looks like he might hit a Scorpion Death Drop, but Hogan's music hits. This time it's Bischoff, with a mic. Really Sting? He's stooped to this, showing millions of people what kind of pond scum he is? Sting yells that he wants Hogan. Bischoff says that Hogan's a little busy, but maybe he can go check. You should be careful for what you wish for, since you just might get it. He's not sure Sting's man enough to understand that. Maybe he can feel it—what he actually feels though is Hogan, who sneaked in behind him, planting him with a chair in the back. Who's the face in this feud?

[Commercial Break]

Hogan is telling Dreamer that, like it or not, they're on the same side then. The "Fatal 4" are gonna take care of Fortune tonight, so he needs EV 2.0 to back off for one night. Dreamer grudgingly agrees. But what he can do tonight is take care of Abyss. He needs to be taken out tonight. Can they do it? Dreamer seems happy to oblige.

(3) THE FBI vs. BEER MONEY

If either Fortune or EV 2.0 interfere they'll be fired. Storm nails a Back Stabber on Tony Mamaluke, who falls into a clothesline from Roode. Little Guido's in now, eating a Superkick. Roode comes in, knocks Mamaluke off the apron, and nails a Full Nelson Slam on Guido. Guido gets a quick Small Package for two, then makes the tag. Tony Mamaluke flies in off the top rope, but right into a Spine Buster. Storm tags in and hits the DWI for the win.

WINNER: Beer Money in under 2 minutes.

Guido continues the fight after the bell, so Storm breaks a beer bottle on his head. Roode picks Mamaluke up for a Last Call Superkick. Storm busts open Guido, then they hit a mean DWI on him.

The original Beautiful People are on their way to the ring.

[Commercial Break]

Dreamer is rallying the troops, who now have matching t-shirts. He wants to know who wants Abyss, and Stevie Richards steps up first. I wonder if he's still upset about their therapy sessions.

The production guy apparently decided that Velvet Sky got the music in her break-up with Rayne, cause the original Beautiful People are officially back together and on their way back to the ring. Good for them. I'm still annoyed Rayne never returned my email. Love takes the mic. She knows she's made a lot of mistakes, as had Velvet, but she's learned from them. They had a friendship that is hard to come by in this business, and when they went their separate ways she could tell something was missing. She knows that she's not always a perfect little angel, and in fact sometime she can be a little bitch. But she thinks they should put all that in the past. Sky agrees that there's no point to rehashing problems, especially while they still have the work of dealing with that monster they created in Madison Rayne. So they should go back to what they do best, which is dominate the women's division. Holla. The Beautiful People's music hits again, but this time it's Rayne riding to the ring with Motorcycle Lady. Rayne screams that if she weren't such a lady she would bust right now. Her lawyer will be calling them first thing in the morning. They can't use her music, and they can never call themselves the Beautiful People, since she's the only beautiful people in this ring. She grudgingly nods to ML too. And unlike those two silicon dolls, she's all natural. She doesn't know if the botox is seeping into Love's brain, but she needs to be reminded that she brought Rayne in because they needed someone young and exciting, and she got them back to the top. And Velvet Sky only is and ever has been one thing, which is Rayne's bitch. Sky hits a quick Double Leg Takedown on Rayne, and we get a cat-fight. TNA security, including Gunner and Murphy, breaks things up.

Sabin and Shelley are in the back. Shelley thinks it's "ironic" (I think he means "appropriate"?) that the Motor City Machine Guns, from the music capital of rock and roll, got this free copy of Rock Band. There are perks to being the champs. But it's not all about the perks. There are top-notch teams like Wolfe & Magnus and Generation Me after their titles. The Guns paved the way for small teams, and now they have to fend them off. They might as well relax before their match though.

[Commercial Break]

The team of Wolfe & Magnus, which I didn't know existed till moments ago, are celebrating their #1 Contender status by going shopping for better threads. Wolfe asks Chelsea if she'd like a dress—well as soon as she gets her own money she can get one. She wants to stop for food, but he reminds her that she ate yesterday. Magnus brags about his no limit credit card, and that they'll be closing stores so no one can shop for threads with them. He gives Chelsea the card to hold, but she smirks and walks away behind their backs.

(4)THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS vs. GENERATION ME
Non-Title Match

Sabin and Jeremy lock up to start. Jeremy goes for a quick roll up, but doesn't get one. He tries to shoulder block Sabin down, but Sabin stays on his feet and hits one of his own. Jeremy gets a Mahistrol Cradle for one. Max tags in, and they hit stereo dropkicks to Sabin. Shelley breaks the cover up right away. He tags in, and they hit their Front Face Lock Drop Kick on Max. Shelley kicks Max in the gut and hits a Body Slam. After some struggling, Shelley gets Max into a cool Single Leg Boston Crab/Lion Tamer, but Max gets to the ropes right away. Sabin tags in, and he nails a Shelton Benjami-style Leap-frog Arm Breaker. He drives Max's head into Shelley's boot, then tags Shelley in. A couple of quick covers get two. Max tries to reach for a tag, but Shelley stands on his hand. He cinches in a sort of neck vise. Max starts to power out, so Shelley tags in Sabin, who comes in with a Springboard Double Axe Handle. Sabin charges Max in the corner, but eats an elbow. Shelley charges and gets elevated out and onto the floor. Max wants to tag out, but Sabin grabs his leg. Sabin tries to transition into a German Suplex, but Max reverses into a Victory Roll into a tag. Jeremy comes in firing. Shelley kicks him from the outside and tries to hold him, but he fights out. He goes to the apron and hits a crazy Slingshot Facebuster that drives Sabin's head vertically into the mat for a long two. Sabin rolls to the outside. Both Guns are on the outside, so Max flies out with a flying Baseball Slide. Jeremy then elevates Max a bit so he can in turn catapult Jeremy onto the top rope, where he somehow turns 180 degrees and hits an Asai Moonsault. Holy shit. Sabin comes back in. Max Spears him, then nails a Standing Moonsault as Jeremy simultaneously comes in with a Slingshot Frog Splash. Shelley is back up on the apron, so Jeremy flips upside down as if to hit a Hurricanra, but then Max runs up his back and kicks Shelley in the head. Max hits an Oklahoma Roll. Jeremy goes for a 450 Splash, but Sabin gets his knees up. Sabin then holds Jeremy in place while an unsuspecting Max follows up with a Moonsault and ends up hitting his brother. The crowd is going ballistic by now. Shelley is back, and he nails a standing Sliced Bread #2 on Max. They hit Skull & Bones on Jeremy, and that's it.

WINNERS: Motor City Machine Guns in 7 minutes, but with action packed tightly enough to make it seem like 25. Holy shit that was great. After the match the Guns raise Generation Me's hands.

[Commercial Break]

Flair's yelling at no one in particular about how pissed off he is. Now he has 5 or 6 guys who are the heart and soul of this company. Did he lose count? Sting and Nash come up behind him, and Sting chokes him out with the bat. He says that Flair has "a receipt" coming, and once they're done with the big problem, they'll be coming after him.

"Shore" is coming soon. I don't know.

AJ and Dreamer have been booked in an "I Quit" match at No Surrender. We also have the two tournament matches, and the tag title match.

In the back, Stevie Richards is beating up Abyss (without any weapons). Not surprisingly, Abyss turns things around and whips Richards into some recycling bins. That has to be a metaphor for something. He tosses a bag of cans onto Richards, asking if he wants to join his buddy RVD. He's dropped the Abyss-voice almost completely, which is nice, but weird. He wants to know if he ever introduced Stevie to his girlfriend Janice. Stevie ducks a shot from Janice and drives Abyss head first into a production truck. Abyss tries to get away, but Stevie keeps up the attack. Abyss retakes the upper hand, yelling about how RVD screamed like a pig. It could be my imagination, but Abyss's voice seems a bit out of sync with his actions, in a way that makes me think his part was voiced over. He tells Stevie to tell his buddies that if they come after him, the same thing that happened to RVD will happen to them.

[Commercial Break]

Rhino gets into the ring and grabs a mic. He says that if Abyss wants to fight someone he should get out here and fight him now. I don't know Stevie Richards ambushing Abyss is good evidence that Abyss wants to fight someone. Abyss comes out with Janice. EV 2.0 are really not good at this taking-someone-out thing. Rhino charges him and whips him into the steps. He goes for a Gore, but Abyss stops him with a Big Boot. They brawl into the crowd. Seriously—send 2 people at once, it's really not that hard. Abyss looks to Choke Slam Rhino through the Spanish announce table, but Rhino fights it off. They brawl up onto some staging, where Abyss catches his arm on some scaffolding. Rhino nails him with a Gore, then limps off. Hitting a finisher counts as taking him out?

AJ, flanked by Fortune, talks again about how he built this house. Not Pope, not Angle, not Anderson, and certainly not Jeff Hardy—he hasn't been here long enough to build anything. Dixie thinks she made a mistake bringing in Flair? Well really he messed up bringing in Dixie. She didn't give him any opportunities—he built her a company.

Fortune hit the ring. Their music is pretty generic, but maybe it'll get better with time. Anderson's out first for his team. Ladies and gentlemen—and Fortune—he hails from Green Bay Wisconsin. Mr...Anderson! Anderson! Interesting that Anderson came out before Pope. Pope is out next, followed by Hardy. Angle gets the clean-up spot.

[Commercial Break]

(5)MR. ANDERSON, "THE POPE" D'ANGELO DINERO, JEFF HARDY, & KURT ANGLE vs. MATT MORGAN, DOUGLAS WILLIAMS, AJ STYLES & KAZARIAN
8-man Tag Match

Anderson and Kazarian lock up to start, then trade wrist locks. Kazarian slaps Anderson in the face and gets a side head lock. He comes off the ropes with a shoulder block, but then walks into an Arm Drag. Anderson follows up with a Body Slam and a slap, then tags in Pope. Kazarian rakes the eyes and tags in AJ. AJ hits a running forearm, but then walks into a forearm from Pope. Pope jukes and jives into some elbows, then hits a big right hand for two. AJ backs Pope into his corner, where he gets quadruple-teamed. Fortune quickly tag in and out, hitting Pope as they go. AJ ends up back in there with Pope. He Snapmares him down and kicks him in the back. He tags in Morgan. Pope slips out of his grasp, but doesn't go for the tag. Morgan signals that he wants Hardy though, so Pope obliges. Morgan is amused by the height difference. Jeff gets a waistlock from behind, but Morgan elbows him off. Morgan corners Hardy, but whiffs on a charge. Hardy beats down Morgan in the corner, nailing the delayed dropkick. He hits a running forearm, but AJ catches his leg from the outside. He slips away from AJ and knocks down Kazarian before he can interfere, but then turns around into a clothesline from Morgan. Morgan chokes Hardy in the corner, then tags in AJ. AJ hits a Body Slam and his high knee drop. The crowd is cheering for AJ. Morgan tags back in, and hits his series of elbows in the corner. Now the crowd's behind Hardy. Matt hits a straight Suplex, which gets two. Williams tags in, and tosses Hardy throat first onto the top rope. Even though Williams is already in control, Flair trips Hardy. While the ref is trying to restrain Hardy's team Flair rolls him out and nails him with a low blow. They roll him back in, where Williams gets a cover for two. AJ tags back in. Hardy gets off a couple of shots, but AJ nails an elbow to the back of his head and tags in Williams. Williams works a neck vise. Hardy powers out, but Williams stops him with a head-butt to the gut. Hardy comes right back with a Flashback. Kazarian and Angle tag in. Angle pops Morgan off the apron, then takes down Kazarian with a series of clotheslines. AJ runs in, and runs right into a Belly-to-Belly Overhead Suplex. Kurt locks in an Angle Lock, but AJ nails him with a flying forearm off the top rope. Pope takes AJ down with an STO, then turns into a T-Bone from Williams, who turns into an Oklahoma Roll from Anderson, who turns into a Decapitator Clothesline from Morgan, who eats a Whisper in the Wind from Hardy, who gets a Wave of the Future from Kazarian, who nails an Olympic Slam on Kazarian as Pope blind tags himself in. Pope makes the cover for the win.

WINNERS: Anderson, Pope, Hardy & Angle in 9 minutes. It was a nice touch that instead of everyone hitting their finishers at the end, they hit other signature moves—it added a bit of variety to the usual formula.

Kurt is not happy that Pope stole his win. They get in each others faces and start shoving. Anderson gets between them, but before he can make peace Morgan and AJ knock them all down from behind. Fortune lays in with the beat down. Beer Money come down for the assist. Storm and AJ set up a table outside of the ring, where for some reason Jeff Hardy is lying prone. EV 2.0 run down for the save. Sabu pairs off with Williams, tossing a chair into his head. He sets him up on the table, then whacks him on the back with a chair. He hits his Leg Drop onto the chair onto Williams's head (actually he misses by a decent 6 inches, for those who were concerned), and I become incredibly embarrassed cause I don't remember the name of that. AJ and Dreamer are brawling, as Flair gets away from Mick Foley.

It's an Arabian Face-Crusher I think.

Where We're Going: It seems to be Fortune vs. all, which, given the current caliber of Fortune's wrestlers as opposed to EV 2.0's, is probably about fair. Sting and Nash are going to continue to not have any idea why they turned heel. Sabu might be joining the X Division, which I'm all for. Now they just have to retire the TV Title so that the original X looks cool again. On a bright note, I like that they're sowing seeds for Pope vs. Angle.

Star of the Night: The Motor City Machine Guns. Again: d'uh.

Overall: This show had a couple really great parts. Obviously The Guns vs. Generation Me was the highlight, but the women's segment and the buildup/execution of the main event were good as well, as was Joe's being a bad ass. There was a whole lot more tedium though in the form of Nash—Jarrett—Sting and oddly protracted Abyss vs. EV 2.0 brawls that didn't actually go anywhere. I mean really—Abyss puts your buddy in ICU, and you show him who's boss by hitting one Gore and then limping off? That doesn't really send much of a message, other than "feel free to put my buddy in the ICU again". Though it's obviously a horrific under-valuing of his talents, it's nice that they found something to do with Wolfe. It's weird though that there was no explanation of them being #1 Contenders—maybe it was on Reaction or Explosion? They don't really expect me to watch those, do they? Overall this would have been a really awesome 30 minute episode, a very good hour-long edition of Impact, but really just ran out of steam on the whole. Also, while I liked both the first and last segments, having both end with EV 2.0 attacks felt a little like watching a rerun. C+

Daniel is a graduate instructor at The Ohio State University. His birthday is next month. Questions about what to get him can be sent to dawilk316@gmail.com.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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