TNA Impact WILKENFELD'S TNA IMPACT REPORT 8/5: Ongoing "virtual time" coverage of Spike TV broadcast [updated]
Aug 5, 2010 - 10:23:46 PM
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By: Daniel Wilkenfeld, PWTorch Contributor
Where We've Been: I'm running late, but thankfully last week's show (which I didn't get to see till a couple days ago) is easily summarized:
1)I enjoy watching Raven do anything.
2)The Motor City Machine Guns rule.
3)Flair was pretty good.
4)Every aspect of last week's show not mentioned in 1-3 above ranged somewhere between "pretty dull" and "horrific train wreck".
I'd have given it a D+ or so. With Impact oscillating in quality widely, let's see what we get tonight.
The Show: There's No Place Like Home
Tommy Dreamer comes out first to start the show. Tenay informs us that he's booked to face Raven this Sunday. To the best of my knowledge that's the first match officially booked. Dreamer calls out Raven, who appears on the ramp. He wants to know why. Raven knows what this means to him, and to everyone in the back. They've been the worst of enemies, but they've also been the best of friends. When Raven comes over Dreamer's kids call him Uncle Scotty. Raven points out that they've known each other for 30 years—did Dreamer really think he'd ever forgiven him for taking his woman? Dreamer's wife should be his (Raven's) wife. His kids should be his kids. So Raven waited for Dreamer to commit himself to something else, so that Raven could take it away from him. He smiled at his plans and laughed at his insipid jokes. Those kids shouldn't be calling him "Uncle Scotty", they should be calling him "daddy". After Raven cripples Dreamer at Hard Justice, he'll go find his ex, give her some Hard Justice of his own, and then she'll be the one calling him "daddy". Dreamer runs up to attack Raven, but Abyss attacks him from behind. Abyss is about to Choke Slam Dreamer off the ramp when RVD runs out with a chair to make the save. He plants Abyss in the head and chases him off. The damage has been done though, and Raven hits a Raven Effect DDT on Dreamer. Well, it was a DDT from Raven anyway—it didn't look like an Evenflow. Mick Foley comes out behind Raven and plants him with a barbed wire baseball bat. He grabs a mic and announces that it will be the final showdown between Dreamer and Raven, and there will be a winner, since they're looking at the Special Guest Referee who'll make it happen.
Tenay announces that Fourtune (sp?) have been banned from ringside for Flair's street fight with Lethal, that The Guns have made Match 4 of their series an Ultimate X Match (!), and Abyss & Raven will face Dreamer & RVD tonight. Neat.
Lacey Von Erich and Velvet Sky come out to defend their TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship.
(1)LACEY VON ERICH & VELVET SKY (c) vs. TAYLOR WILDE & HAMADA TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship Match
Von Erich shows off her boobs to start. No, really. Wilde gets a quick School Girl for two, but Sky pops her from the apron when she gets up. Wilde still connects with a leg sweep, but Von Erich comes back with a Fall Away Slam. Hamada tags in, and the crowd's behind her. She lays in with chops and what I believe was a Polish Hammer. Sky tries to interfere from the apron, but Hamada gets her with a Guillotine Drop. The distraction is enough for Lacey to nail a spinning strike with her knee. Sky tags in. Lacey holds Hamada while Sky lays in with chops. She connects with a Snapmare and a kick to the back for two. Von Erich tags back in and they nail a few double team yanks into the turnbuckle. Von Erich goes for a back-flip elbow drop, but Hamada rolls out of the way. Hamada connects with a head butt, then makes the tag to Wilde. Wilde ducks a clothesline and hits a German Suplex and a sort-of-bridge that Sky breaks up at two. Hamada comes in to help out. Sky and Von Erich try to whip Wilde and Hamada into each other, but they Do-Se-Do and come back swinging. Madison Rayne appears at the top of the ramp and the motorcycle woman comes in in a skintight suit. Hamada is left in the ring with Sky, and both go for hair yanks at the same time. Sky backs Hamada into the corner, but when she whiffs on a slap she nails referee Slick Johnson. Those two (Sky and Hamada, not Sky and Slick Johnson) fight to the outside as Wilde and Von Erich come back into the ring. Seeing the ref down, Motorcycle Lady hands Von Erich a chair, which Wilde promptly dropkicks back into her face. The ref, seemingly unconcerned by the chair in the middle of the ring, recovers in time to count the three.
WINNERS (and new champions): Taylor Wilde & Hamada in 5 minutes. That ending was telegraphed a mile away, but it was still the right one. Taz notes the ref's mysterious obliviousness to the chair.
(2)AJ STYLES (c) vs. ROB TERRY TV Championship Match
In case you missed it, the "TV Championship" is of course another name for the "Global Championship", which was itself a new name for the "Legends' Championship", which was in turn absolutely meaningless. If they want that TV Title to be worth something, they should really give RVD a 23 month reign. It worked once. Earl Hebner tells Kazarian to go to the back. While he argues the point Rob Terry clotheslines both him and AJ out of the ring. Terry follows them out and Press Slams AJ back in, but Kazarian is still there to make trouble. Terry chases him to the back, then turns around just in time to knock AJ off the top rope before he can springboard into a forearm. AJ tries to come off the ropes but just bounces off The Freak. Tenay goes over the history of WCW's TV title to explain how renaming the belt that was really a way to honor Ric Flair. Terry backs AJ into the corner with a double choke. He takes AJ up as if he's about to hit a Running Power Slam, but then just tosses AJ off backward. Terry chokes AJ on the top rope, then tosses him off. AJ gets up chopping, but Terry no sells. AJ pokes the eyes instead. AJ narrowly avoids contact with Hebner in the corner, and while Hebner's dodging AJ nails a low blow. He follows up with a Pele and a Spingboard 450 Splash for the win.
WINNER: AJ Styles in 3 minutes.
In the Reaction-Cam Kurt explains his quest to fight through the entire top 10. He's 41 years old, and done everything he can do, but he feels like he has to prove himself again. He sadly doesn't explain why he's stated why he'll quit if he loses, instead talking about how important wrestling is to him. Why are you threatening to quit then?
Lethal is talking about how excited he still is to have beaten Ric Flair with his own move. He was talking with Kurt Angle, and Kurt pointed out that right now he's a likeable young boy, but if he wants to deal with someone like Flair he'll need to develop some tricks. So tonight he'll be bringing the man.
We recap Abyss—RVD. Next Thursday's show is officially "The Whole F*N Show".
Security and Von Erich are trying to keep Sky and Rayne apart. Sky shoves Von Erich off, and she hits a crate and goes down hard. Sky flips out and asks for someone to call an ambulance. Rayne vanishes.
Before their match, Beer Money and the Guns meet in the ring for a summit. Roode says that there's no question that the two teams in the ring have redefined tag team wrestling over the last few weeks. But he and Storm since day one have striven to be not only the best in the company, but the best tag team in the world, and that means taking their titles. So tonight they'll beat The Guns at their own game. Sabin draws attention to the fact that they have the belts now, and that means that they are the best in the world. This structure around them is their world, and it's what they do, so the only way Beer Money will get the titles is if they pry it from their cold, dead, fingers. Roode suggests they stop talking and do it.
(3)THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS vs. BEER MONEY INC. Ultimate X Match 4 of 5 for the TNA Tag Team Championships
The bell rings as we come back. Roode and Storm take quick control, but The Guns sidestep charges in the corner and fire back with a couple of their own. They toss Storm and Roode from the ring, then hit Stereo Springboard Cross Body Blocks out to the floor. Holy shit. The crowd's already going nuts. Sabin starts to climb as Shelley stays on defense. Storm slips by Shelley and yanks Sabin down. Sabin runs right into a Poetry in Motion to Roode on the apron, then assists Shelley with a Drop Toe Hold. Shelley then drops Roode onto Storm and hits a simultaneous Crossface on Roode and Leg Bar on Storm. Wow. They fight out and yank Sabin down, then hit a Catapult/DDT on Shelley. Storm tells Roode that he'll have to climb, since he (Storm) has been drinking. Roode doesn't get far before The Guns yank him down. They Flatliner Storm in the corner, set Roode up in a Tree of Woe, then have Sabin hit a Hesitation Drop Kick into Roode into Storm. Again: wow. Shelley starts to climb, but Roode takes Sabin down with a Back Drop and then both he and Storm yank Shelley off the ropes. They go for the DWI on Shelley, who kicks them off. He tries for a Sliced Bread #2, but Roode tosses him off and right into a Back Stabber from Storm. They follow up with a Beer Money Suplex on Shelley. Sabin tries to sneak up, but Roode knocks him out to the floor. Roode is busted open. Storm sets up Shelley for a Frankensteiner in one corner as Roode climbs in the corner opposite, but Shelley blocks the move and hits an Inverted Atomic Drop. He runs across and yanks down Roode, then hits the single meanest Spike DDT I've ever seen. Shelley goes to the top rope. Storm charges, but Shelley leaps over him to nail a double stomp on Roode. Shelley rakes Storm's eyes and starts to climb, but Storm recovers in time to yank him down and nail what might have been a Catatonic. Sabin is back in and tries to climb. Storm goes to the top rope to pull him down, so Sabin comes off the suspended ropes with a giant twisting Hurricanrana. Wow. Roode is back up, and he floors Sabin with the Double-A Spine Buster. Roode goes to the ropes, and Storm helps carry him across the ropes. The Guns cut them off though, knock down Storm and then yank Roode onto him. Yet again: wow. The crowd expresses that this is awesome. Shelley and Storm get up on the apron—when Shelley sees where he is he hits a back kick and then a standing Sliced Bread #2 on the apron, falling to the floor for extra leverage. Roode has climbed above the ropes and is walking them (with help from the tress) while Sabin shimmies across from the opposite corner. Sabin gets to the middle first and kicks Roode's ropes, crotching Roode and then sending him down to the floor. Sabin grabs the X for the win.
WINNERS: MCMG in 11 minutes. ***3/4. This was a great redemption of Ultimate X after Kendrick vs. Williams. It would have been nice for it to go longer, but I don't know their bodies could have taken it anyway.
Bischoff, Tessmacher and Hogan are walking down to the ring.
Hogan & Co. are coming down to the ring. Bischoff takes the mic. Next week will be a PPV quality show for free, thanks to the folks at Spike TV (does that mean it's commercial free)? Abyss might have forced Bischoff to make his "Stairway to Janice Match" (ugh), but Hogan just told Bischoff that he'll be the special guest referee. But there will also be Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles, Jeff Hardy vs. someone in an open challenge, Matt Morgan vs. The Pope vs. Mr. Anderson, Madison Rayne vs. Angelina Love, and the final match in the series of The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Beer Money Inc. That does sound like an awesome show. Kevin Nash's music hits, and he comes down to the ring. Ms. Tessmacher makes herself scarce. Finally Nash is face to face with those two. He's had to listen to this crap in the back, and once again his name isn't mentioned. What's up with that? Hogan says that Nash needs to look around, since in case he hasn't noticed, everyone else is stepping back. He is and Jarrett is. It's time for people like The Guns and Jay Lethal and Beer Money. It's not about politics anymore. Nash is amazed that Hulk Hogan, of all people, is lecturing him about politics. Bischoff says that Nash's whole career has been nothing but politics. Nash points out that sometimes in life you meet people you just shouldn't have messed with—well that's him. He tosses Bischoff into the corner. Hogan connects with some right hands, but Nash nails a low bow and lays in with knee lifts and elbows in the corner. He gets a chair from ringside and lays it down in the ring. He sets up a Jackknife. Bischoff tries to intervene, but Nash shoves him back. Hogan slithers away, so Nash sets up to nail Hogan with the chair. Jarrett runs out to make the save, and is successful...till he gets taken out from behind by a Wolf-Pac-make-up-wearing Sting. Sting tosses Nash his bat and then plants Hogan in the face with the chair. In an awesome moment, the only noise you hear from the crowd is a "Hogan sucks!" chant.
Christy tries to get comments from Nash and Sting backstage, but they don't seem very chatty.
Orlando Jordan tries to get SoCal Val to take his lollipop on the way into the ring.
(4)"THE POPE" D'ANGELO DINERO vs. ORLANDO JORDAN
They have got to stop telling us that our votes inform the rankings, cause it just pisses me off every time. At best, our votes have the power to make sure that non-pre-ordained wrestlers go on a massive losing streak (see Wolfe, Desmond and Morgan, Matt). There's a chant in response to "Pope is Pimp'n" which I can't make out—it might be "overrated", but that would just be silly. Jordan spends some time sucking his own index figure, so Pope shoves him down. Jordan goes behind, but Pope reverses, and they jockey for position. Jordan backs Popes into the corner, then starts moving sensually to get Pope to break the hold. Pope unloads with some big slaps, but when the ref tries to pull him off in the corner Jordan gets in a cheap shot. He follows up with his trademark (read: kind of dull) knees and right hands. Eric Young runs down to the ramp to grab the "money" that falls from the ceiling during Pope's entrance. Jordan gets distracted, which gives Pope the chance to connect with a clothesline and a Back Body Drop. He pulls down the knee pads and nails an original DDE in the corner, then jumps onto the top rope and comes down with a sort of Inverted DDT for game.
WINNER: The Pope in 3 minutes. Someone remind me to take off points for this stupid EY gimmick.
As Pope celebrates in the ring Matt Morgan sneaks up behind him and clotheslines his head in. Mr. Anderson runs down with a chair before Morgan can do any more damage. Morgan points to his wrist as he leaves. Anderson turns around into a still annoyed Pope. TNA Security Murphy & Gunner run out and get in Anderson's face for no clear reason.
Christy is in the back with Ric Flair. She reminds him that if any of the members of Fourtune interfere tonight Ric Flair will be suspended for 90 days without pay. Does he think he can beat Jay Lethal one-on-one? He tells her never to ask such stupid questions, and points out that he's ready for a fight. Two men go down to a ring, but only one's coming back. He asks if his "little black brother" understands that--tonight Jay Lethal's going to die.
(5)JAY LETHAL vs. RIC FLAIR Street Fight
Flair is still sporting a suit when he comes down. He begs off to start, then pokes Lethal in the eye. He chops him all the way to the opposite corner, ripping off his (Lethal's) shirt. He connects with another low blow, then wrenches the right knee. I thought they always work the left leg? Flair gets a trashcan with some kendo sticks out from under the ring. Meanwhile, Lethal has crawled under the ring and comes up behind Flair. He connects with a Springboard Dropkick, then rips off Flair's shirt for some more chops. He whips him into the opposite corner, then hits a Back Body Drop off the rebound. He whacks Flair in the face with a kendo stick, busting him open, then gets ten mounted punches in the corner. We're treated to a Flair Flop as...Douglas Williams comes down? How odd. Lethal busts a cookie sheet on Flair's face, then, for no obvious reason, rips off much of Flair's pants. He then takes Flair's belt and beats him around the ring. Once again, Flair begs off, but Lethal keeps up the assault. He finishes taking Flair's pants and one of his socks off. Flair tries to kick his way out, but Lethal chops him. He tries to pick up a trashcan, but Lethal takes it from him and whacks him on the head. We get another Flair Flop. Flair rakes Lethal's eyes, then goes to the top rope. Lethal cuts him off with a couple more cookie sheet shots, then brings him down with a Superplex. He covers, but Williams pulls him out of the ring at two. Lethal shoves him down and gets a sunset flip off on Flair off the top rope, but he only succeeds in pulling down Flair's underwear. The ref goes to help out Flair, and Williams nails Lethal in the face with his belt. It's a street fight, so the ref could be looking, but that's alright. Flair crawls into the cover. Lethal gets his foot on the rope, but Williams shoves it off before the ref can see it.
WINNER: Ric Flair in six minutes. This was a bit of a waste of a rare Flair appearance for what was mostly a comedy match.
Raven, with a kendo stick, and Abyss, with Janice, are coming down to the ring.
Christy is in the back with RVD, and she's amazed by his schedule. He's in a tag match tonight, a match against a mystery opponent in the main event Sunday, and then a crazy match with Abyss next week. RVD says that when she spells it out like that he doesn't even want to be in his own boots. That's okay though, since the champ just takes things one day at a time. Tonight he gets to team with his old buddy Tommy Dreamer against Raven, who's hardcore, and Abyss, who's nuts. Now he's focused on tonight. After the match, he'll do a little celebrating, and then he'll get psyched up for Hardcore Justice. Jerry Lynn walks into the frame, and says that he's already excited by the prospect of tearing it down with RVD one more time. RVD looks momentarily shocked, then pleased.
(6)RVD & TOMMY DREAMER vs. ABYSS & RAVEN
All four men meet on the ramp-way to start brawling. Abyss tosses Dreamer into the ring. Dreamer tries to charge Abyss but runs right into a knee. Van Dam flies onto the screen and lunges into Abyss. Dreamer Suplexes RVD onto Abyss. As the ref escorts RVD from the ring Raven clips Dreamer's leg. Abyss takes him into the corner and crushes him. Raven tags in. He blows his nose, then shoves the handkerchief into Dreamer's face. Dreamer gets up firing, but Raven takes him down with a knee lift and wrenches his face. Taz on commentary tries to sell new fans on Dreamer—Raven. Dreamer gets up firing again, but Abyss takes him down with a Body Slam for two. Abyss charges again, but Dreamer sidesteps. Raven and RVD tag in. RVD comes in with a slingshot fist to Raven's face, then hits a series of clotheslines. He Superkicks Raven down, but when he takes a minute to kick Abyss off the apron Raven momentarily retakes control. RVD gets his leg up to block a shove into the corner, then kicks Raven down and nails Rolling Thunder. Abyss comes in, but Dreamer helps RVD clothesline him out of the ring. Dreamer takes Raven down with a DDT, and RVD polishes him off with a Five Star Frog Splash.
WINNERS: RVD & Tommy Dreamer in 4 minutes. Like the last match, this one had lots of wasted potential.
Abyss quickly breaks up the celebration, knocking down both men. He signals for a Choke Slam on RVD, then nails one. He then looks for a Choke Slam on Dreamer, but Stevie Richards runs out to make the save. He gets squished, but then Rhino comes out to save him and fares a bit better. Still, Abyss blocks an attempted Gore with a kick to Rhino's face. Team 3D run down to the ring and set up for a 3D on Abyss, but Raven comes in behind them and takes him both down with chairs. Suddenly the lights go dim. When they come back up...holy shit, that's Sandman! This is why I don't follow personnel moves, since that was an awesome moment. Though he was featured in all the commercials. He kills Abyss and Raven. Mick Foley comes out to celebrate with the faces.
We conclude with a package explaining the hardcore work ethic. Foley says that a lot of people didn't go out the way they wanted to, so this is their last chance to make a last impression. They then hype The Whole F'n Show.
Where We're Going: They've really set things up nicely so that it really feels like we have two separate PPVs over the next week, which is kind of cool. I'd be fairly confident that Bischoff has to turn heel next week, since it's the only thing that makes a lick of sense, but that would usually mean screwing RVD out of the title and I don't think any of us are ready for another Abyss title reign. Also, whoever thought that calling something a "Stairway to Janice Match" would be a good selling point should be fired instantly.
Star of the Night: The Motor City Machine Guns. Duh.
Overall: This show had some high highs and some low lows. The tag match was amazing, and the final brawl really built up a good energy that makes me excited for the PPV. Conversely, the Jordan shtick is old, Flair's match was a waste, and the tag match proceeding the main event brawl did not leave me with high hopes for what Raven and Dreamer can actually still bring. I actually really liked the Sting return, as I thought it was pretty exciting, but I'm guessing they'll get a lot of heat for pushing story-lines from two defunct brands at once. Overall I found the show pretty enjoyable, and a marked step up from last week, albeit with some extremely frustrating elements. B-
Daniel is a graduate instructor at The Ohio State University. He would rather be watching America's Got Talent now. Votes for that show, or comments about this one, can be sent to email@example.com.
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